MONSTER IN LAW

bab725

My soon to be mother in law is driving me crazy, she is inviting 100 people to the wedding, just on her list but wants to give NO MONEY, (she has no daughters) she also doesn't want alcohol at the rehearsal dinner and purchased a HOT PINK dress with rhinestones all over it. She has told my fiancé behind my back that my mom is controlling the whole wedding and doesn't care about him at all..HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO HANDLE THIS LADY!?!

Maggie0829

bab725 said:

My soon to be mother in law is driving me crazy, she is inviting 100 people to the wedding, just on her list but wants to give NO MONEY, (she has no daughters) she also doesn't want alcohol at the rehearsal dinner and purchased a HOT PINK dress with rhinestones all over it. She has told my fiancé behind my back that my mom is controlling the whole wedding and doesn't care about him at all..HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO HANDLE THIS LADY!?!

Whoever is paying for the wedding has control over the guest list.  Just because she says she wants to invite 100 people does not mean that she will be able to.  You need to give her a number of people she can invite and let her make the necessary cuts.  If she doesn't then the cuts should be made by you and your FI until you reach the number that was determined.

Is your FMIL paying for the RD?  If so, then whether or not there is alcohol is her decision.

Her attire to your wedding is completely up to her.

Hopefully your FI stood up for himself and you and your Mom when his Mom spoke poorly of yours. Does your FI feel like his feelings on the wedding aren't being taken into account?  If not, then his Mom talking shit about you or your Mom just makes her look like a brat.  As long as you and your FI are on the same page and have each others back then that is all that matters.

And finally, to the bolded.  You don't handle her.  She is your FI Mom so he should be the one to deal with her.

zitiqueen

bab725 said:

My soon to be mother in law is driving me crazy, she is inviting 100 people to the wedding, just on her list but wants to give NO MONEY, (she has no daughters) she also doesn't want alcohol at the rehearsal dinner and purchased a HOT PINK dress with rhinestones all over it. She has told my fiancé behind my back that my mom is controlling the whole wedding and doesn't care about him at all..HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO HANDLE THIS LADY!?!

What is your FI's reaction to his mother when she pulls this kind of stuff?

southernbelle0915

If she's not paying for any of the wedding, she doesn't get any say in the guest list. You're perfectly within your rights to tell her she has ## slots and she can fill them however she wants. You aren't obligated to give her any at all, so giving her a few is a nice gesture. Figure out what you can afford and keep in mind your venue restrictions. Remember you aren't bargaining with her here - you're telling her that this is how it's going to be. You are paying, so there's not negotiating here.

If she's paying for the RD, she can host/not host whatever she wants. If you don't like how she wants to host, pay for it yourself and do whatever you want.

Keep your comments about her dress to yourself. You don't get to pick her outfit and you will make yourself look bad by talking shit about it.

I hope your FI shuts her down when she talks shit about your family/you...

MairePoppy

bab725 said:

My soon to be mother in law is driving me crazy, she is inviting 100 people to the wedding, just on her list but wants to give NO MONEY,

 

Whoever is paying for the wedding gets to determine the number of guests to be invited. If they allow your FMIL a certain number of guests, she should be thankful that someone else is paying to entertain her loved ones.

 

 (she has no daughters) she also doesn't want alcohol at the rehearsal dinner

 

Whoever is paying for and hosting the RD gets to decide on what is served, including whether or not alcohol is served.

 

 and purchased a HOT PINK dress with rhinestones all over it.

 

Adults, including the mothers, get to wear whatever they like. Be grateful she's not wearing a long, white dress and veil.

 

 

 She has told my fiancé behind my back that my mom is controlling the whole wedding and doesn't care about him at all. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO HANDLE THIS LADY!?

 

Your fi shouldn't be telling you what his mom is saying behind your back. He should be handling his mother by telling her that her behavior is rude and embarrassing to him and that he expects her to treat his future wife, and her family, with respect. He shouldn't let her become your problem.

Jen4948

bab725 said:

My soon to be mother in law is driving me crazy, she is inviting 100 people to the wedding, just on her list but wants to give NO MONEY, (she has no daughters) she also doesn't want alcohol at the rehearsal dinner and purchased a HOT PINK dress with rhinestones all over it. She has told my fiancé behind my back that my mom is controlling the whole wedding and doesn't care about him at all..HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO HANDLE THIS LADY!?!

Well, your FI can tell her that she can invite up to a given amount of people and who they are is up to her, but none beyond that, since she's not paying for any of the costs of the wedding. 

If she's hosting the rehearsal dinner, it's up to her whether or not there is alcohol.  If you want there to be alcohol or anything else at the dinner that she's not willing to provide, your FI will need to decline the dinner for both of you and the two of you will have to host it yourselves.

I'd let the dress go.  It's really not gracious to specify to an adult what to wear.  If it makes her look bad, I'd just ignore it.  Anyone who tries to hold you guilty by association is being rude.  If your issue is photos, you don't have to hang them.

As for her negative comments about your mother, your FI should have your back and tell his mother that the two of you will not tolerate mean-spirited comments about her and that she has to cease and desist from making them any more.

AddieCake

What does her not having daughters have to do with anything? Is that your way of saying she should contribute since she has no daughters to dole out the traditional wedding funds for?

Jen4948

AddieCake said:

What does her not having daughters have to do with anything? Is that your way of saying she should contribute since she has no daughters to dole out the traditional wedding funds for?

Unless I'm wrong, it probably means that because the FMIL has no daughters, she hasn't had as much opportunity to witness close-up how weddings are supposed to be planned as she might if she were the mother of a bride.  I don't think it means that the OP thinks that her FMIL is supposed to contribute any money.

bab725

thank you for all your answers and about the rehearsal dinner, we offered to pay for it and she doesn't want alcohol no matter who pays just because she doesn't drink and feels we shouldn't be drinking days before wedding or at wedding. 

She is very stern on her guest list, this is also why I believe she should be offering more money, she feels she should be able to invite whoever she wants and its not he fault we picked an expensive venue. She wanted us to have it at the local fire hall. 

MegEn1

bab725 said:

thank you for all your answers and about the rehearsal dinner, we offered to pay for it and she doesn't want alcohol no matter who pays just because she doesn't drink and feels we shouldn't be drinking days before wedding or at wedding. 

She is very stern on her guest list, this is also why I believe she should be offering more money, she feels she should be able to invite whoever she wants and its not he fault we picked an expensive venue. She wanted us to have it at the local fire hall. 

Sucks to be her, then.

southernbelle0915

bab725 said:

thank you for all your answers and about the rehearsal dinner, we offered to pay for it and she doesn't want alcohol no matter who pays just because she doesn't drink and feels we shouldn't be drinking days before wedding or at wedding. 

She is very stern on her guest list, this is also why I believe she should be offering more money, she feels she should be able to invite whoever she wants and its not he fault we picked an expensive venue. She wanted us to have it at the local fire hall. 

If you pay for it, whether or not you have alcohol is simply not her business. When she goes over to someone's house for a hosted dinner does she throw a fit that there's wine on the table and demand that no one drinks? Probably not. If she does, it's probably the last time she ever gets invited anywhere. This is the same thing - it's inappropriate for her to say anything about whether you serve alcohol. Please - stop sharing details with her. If she asks, tell her you have it taken care of and change the subject. Wash and repeat as necessary.

If she isn't paying for the wedding, you need to TELL her how many guest slots she has - not let her tell you how many people she's inviting. No. That's not how it works. You inform her of how many slots she has and that's the end of it. She will throw a fit. A tantrum perhaps. Get a glass of wine, weather the storm and stand your ground. She might offer to pay for extra guests. You can decide if you want to accept or not. You don't have to.

Overall, OP, it sounds like you are scared of this woman and allowing her to treat you like a child. You're an adult...you're getting married for pete's sake. Your FI needs to be on the same page and needs to stand up to her. 

OliveOilsMom

Ditto Southerbelle. Don't let FMIL try to steam roll you over. She will continue this well into your marriage. So start setting the tone now, unless you want FMIL in the delivery room or telling you how to raise your future kids. Because she will insert her nose into everything if you don't start standing up to her now. _______________________________________________________________________________________________________ FMIL is not paying for the wedding, so she needs to cut her guest list. FI should tell his mom, "Mom, I know that you want these 100 guests invited. But we cannot accomodate your list in its entirety. Please cut your guest list to X amount of people. If you cannot cut your list, I will do it for you."

MairePoppy

Ditto OliveOilsMom - to be safe, don't give her invitations to address for her guests. You should get the completed guest list from her and do it yourself. Edit her list if she has more than the allotted number of guests.

You and fi really need to firm on the guest list. We've had more than a few couples that have had moms that wouldn't take no for an answer. A few of those MOBs, MOGs had taken invitations from the couple to address and added in extra guests, printed up their own invitations (!!!!), invited people verbally or have just been plain mean about the guest list. Don't give in.

 

djfivenine

My FMIL keeps verbally inviting people, despite our express request for her not to.  She isn't contributing to the wedding and she asked for about 15 seats about 10 months ago when we were setting our guest list.  We gave her them, because it was reasonable and certainly something we could accommodate. 

We sent invitations out almost a month ago, and she keeps calling Fi and saying "I need you to give me more invitations, I forgot to invite this cousin and that daughter-of-a-friend."  Fi and I both have told her that 1) we have no more physical invitations to give her 2) we have no more seats at our wedding to give her and 3) if they were SO important (she keeps insisting "they are family you HAVE to invite them," even though they aren't really family and my Fi has never met them) she should have thought of them 10 months ago when we asked her for her guest list.  She even switched up her tactic to calling Fi and saying "So-and-so didn't receive her invitation, can you please send another one?" even though she darn well knows that person wasn't on our list. 

She even tried doing a b-list, saying "well, this one person I invited can't come, so I am replacing them with this other person, I need to give them an invitation."  We have told her that's NOT how it works and those seats are not hers to give away to a new round of invitees.

What FINALLY got through to her was that we told her that if her friends show up at our wedding thinking they were invited, they won't have a seat.  Wouldn't that just make her look incredibly bad? 

OP,  You HAVE to stand your ground, especially if they aren't paying.  If she refuses to cut down her guest list, have your Fi go over it and select the people HE would want there.  This is your wedding, the people there should be your guests and your nearest & dearest.  Some parents take weddings as an opportunity to show off (or for the more optimistic, celebrate with) their friends and colleagues, and if they are ponying up the cash, you don't have much say in telling them they can't do that.  But if they aren't contributing financially to the wedding, it's completely inappropriate for them to think they can invite whoever they want - regardless of whom the bride and groom might actually want there.

[Deleted User]

bab725 said:

thank you for all your answers and about the rehearsal dinner, we offered to pay for it and she doesn't want alcohol no matter who pays just because she doesn't drink and feels we shouldn't be drinking days before wedding or at wedding. 

She is very stern on her guest list, this is also why I believe she should be offering more money, she feels she should be able to invite whoever she wants and its not he fault we picked an expensive venue. She wanted us to have it at the local fire hall. 

And those are great ideas for when she gets married. Oh wait.