White Dress

itsrandiyo

I said I would never start a thread again; but I needed to vent a little because I am freaking out. 
My FMIL had a dress bought, it was black and had silver accents, it was great! At the beggining of her dress shopping I said that I was fine with whatever color she wanted, and whatever style as long as it wasn't white (obviously, I thought).
 
Saturday she was talking to me, and said that she had bought a different dress. She told me it was cream, I then told her that cream was pretty close to white and she assured me that it was more brownish. So, me and FI went over to her house on Sunday for lunch and she showed me the dress. It is DEFINATELY WHITE, it is barely off white. It's honestly whiter then my dress, since my dress is Ivory. My FI even said, right when she walked out, mom thats white. He thank goodness talked to her about it and how you can't wear white to a wedding and I didn't have to. When they were discussing I said I could come with and help her pick one out because she said she was having a really hard time because shes never dresses up.  However, she was still upset and went to her room the rest of the time we were there.  I am a big pushover and would say she could wear it so as not to start drama or have her hurt, so I'm really happy my FI stepped in. 

I feel bad that she's hurt but, seriously, isn't that common sense?

AddieCake

You should never tell people what they can and cannot wear to your wedding unless it's black tie or the venue has restrictions or a dress code. Who cares if she wears a white dress?

manateehugger

"Common sense" says a bride is the bride at her own wedding and no one can really upstage her. I think you and your FI should have let this one go. If it truly was a white gown, people would have given her the side-eye and moved along. It wouldn't have mattered. But what's done is done. I think you should find it within yourself to call FMIL up and say, "Hey, this dress drama is silly. I just want you to wear what you feel beautiful in. I'm sorry FI and I made a big stink about it."

holyguacamole79

itsrandiyo said:

I said I would never start a thread again; but I needed to vent a little because I am freaking out. 
My FMIL had a dress bought, it was black and had silver accents, it was great! At the beggining of her dress shopping I said that I was fine with whatever color she wanted, and whatever style as long as it wasn't white (obviously, I thought).
 
Saturday she was talking to me, and said that she had bought a different dress. She told me it was cream, I then told her that cream was pretty close to white and she assured me that it was more brownish. So, me and FI went over to her house on Sunday for lunch and she showed me the dress. It is DEFINATELY WHITE, it is barely off white. It's honestly whiter then my dress, since my dress is Ivory. My FI even said, right when she walked out, mom thats white. He thank goodness talked to her about it and how you can't wear white to a wedding and I didn't have to. When they were discussing I said I could come with and help her pick one out because she said she was having a really hard time because shes never dresses up.  However, she was still upset and went to her room the rest of the time we were there.  I am a big pushover and would say she could wear it so as not to start drama or have her hurt, so I'm really happy my FI stepped in. 

I feel bad that she's hurt but, seriously, isn't that common sense?

Sounds like your FI owes his mom an apology.  You can't dictate what your parents wear.  If she wears a white dress, she wears a white dress.  Nobody will confuse her for the bride, and at the end of the day, you will still be married.  That was nice that you offered to go shopping with her, but if she has a dress and wants to wear if, then you just have to let it be.

slothiegal

What Addie said. She found a dress that makes her feel good, it happens to be white. I'd be upset too, if I was told I couldn't wear what made me feel beautiful. No one will mistake her for the bride.

levioosa

You can't tell her what to wear.  And if she does wear white, she'll be the one getting side-eyed, not you.  It sounds like she just honestly doesn't know what to do, instead of being a giant drama queen who wants all eyes on her.  You need to apologize and tell her that she needs to wear whatever she feels the most beautiful in.  No one is going to mistake her for the bride.  

loveislouder

I don't think you should freak out about this.  No one is going to confuse you and her just because her dress is white.   Plus if she's changed her mind once, she'll probably change it again.

southernbelle0915

You can't tell her what to wear without looking like a controlling bridezilla. Your FI should apologize to his mom for acting like a groomzilla.

TBH, if I went a wedding and the MOG was wearing a white dress, I would side-eye the shit out of it. Other guests will too. They might even say something to you about it. You will look great if you keep your mouth shut and don't talk shit. If you do talk shit, you're going to look insecure, disrespectful and gossipy. 

Understand that you can't control her wardrobe and decide which way you want to be perceived by your guests.

itsrandiyo

I'm sorry I'm not trying to be a Drama Queen, and I did apologize and say that she can wear it. I just thought it was common sense not to wear a white dress. Also, my colors are royal blue and black. There are a TON of black dresses....

MadHops21

While I agree that you shouldn't dictate what a guest wears, especially if she loves it, I have confused a guest wearing a white dress for the bride. 

I was brought as a guest, so I didn't know the couple, but it honestly surprised me that the guest was wearing a white dress. I felt so bad I confused her for the bride, but luckily I was corrected before I said anything. 

birdybride2014

I'll be honest, I would be irritated before the wedding knowing that a mother or mother-in-law was planning on wear white. But at the end of the day you will not care in the slightest and it is far better the be the bigger person and turn your cheek than to dictate what she wears. It seems as though she was having a hard time finding something she felt nice in, so let her where what she is comfortable in.

raissyrais

Trust me, nobody will even notice that she wears white! You'll be the bride and there'll be no confusion on that! Also, yes you can't really tell anyone what to wear at your wedding. Just let it be and be happy

slothiegal

itsrandiyo said:

I'm sorry I'm not trying to be a Drama Queen, and I did apologize and say that she can wear it. I just thought it was common sense not to wear a white dress. Also, my colors are royal blue and black. There are a TON of black dresses....

She doesn't have to match your colors.  And not everyone likes wearing black.  (Not me, I'll take any opportunity to try and make this constant food baby of mine look smaller.)

itsrandiyo

slothiegal Yes, true.

manateehugger

I mean, yes, I think it's an odd choice to wear a formal white gown to a wedding. But she may have just found a dress she loves and wanted to look good at your wedding. 

And really, the white is the bride's color idea is so silly. I loveeeee all the little white sundresses that came out this summer and have two I wear frequently. No one ever comes running up to me to say congratulations, because it's pretty damn obvious I'm just a chick in a white dress. 

thisismynickname2

OP, don't stress over this. It'll be totally ok.  Everyone else is right that no one will mistake these women for the bride.

I was at a wonderful wedding this past weekend where the bride wore this amazing sparkly gown. Two women wore white dresses (very structured dresses, like they could have popped a blazer over the dresses and gone to work... like an Ann Taylor style).  I noticed it, but they looked nice, and in no way did they hold a candle to the bride. They looked corporate and the bride looked like a movie star on Oscar night. It's all good.  Have a drink  

JennyColada

manateehugger said:

I mean, yes, I think it's an odd choice to wear a formal white gown to a wedding. But she may have just found a dress she loves and wanted to look good at your wedding. 

And really, the white is the bride's color idea is so silly. I loveeeee all the little white sundresses that came out this summer and have two I wear frequently. No one ever comes running up to me to say congratulations, because it's pretty damn obvious I'm just a chick in a white dress. 

Congratulations!

climbingsingle

southernbelle0915 said:

You can't tell her what to wear without looking like a controlling bridezilla. Your FI should apologize to his mom for acting like a groomzilla.

TBH, if I went a wedding and the MOG was wearing a white dress, I would side-eye the shit out of it. Other guests will too. They might even say something to you about it. You will look great if you keep your mouth shut and don't talk shit. If you do talk shit, you're going to look insecure, disrespectful and gossipy. 

Understand that you can't control her wardrobe and decide which way you want to be perceived by your guests.

This. 

theartistformerlyknownas

My FSIL wore a white dress to FI's cousin's wedding a few weeks ago. Like straight up, no bones about it, solid white linen dress. 

What did happen:

Lots of guests talking about it and how gauche it was of her. (And how ugly her shoes were.)

What did not happen:

The bride getting upstaged.

People confusing her for the bride.

The bride looking any less magnificent.

Anyone paying any less attention to the happy couple.

The bride talking about it.

AddieCake

Most here know that my dad's wife wore a long, ivory, sparkly gown to my wedding. The same dress she married my father in a few months before. Did anyone care? I have no idea. Nobody said a word to me. That's how much of an effect it had on me or my wedding day.

SmileDamnit

My MIL wore a white dress. I helped her pick it out. She looked lovely with her summer wrap & beautiful native american jewelry. And that's about the extent of thought I gave it. 

Let it go. It really is the last thing you need to worry about on the day you will wed your husband.

Bubblegum5586

lolo883 said:

My FSIL wore a white dress to FI's cousin's wedding a few weeks ago. Like straight up, no bones about it, solid white linen dress. 

What did happen:

Lots of guests talking about it and how gauche it was of her. (And how ugly her shoes were.)

What did not happen:

The bride getting upstaged.

People confusing her for the bride.

The bride looking any less magnificent.

Anyone paying any less attention to the happy couple.

The bride talking about it.

I have realized that many people that wear white to weddings do not do it to be rude or to upstage the bride, but that they don't realize that it can be considered rude or tacky... and will have no idea that people will side eye it and snark at it behind her back.

If she really didn't know, maybe it was good the groom told her to avoid embarrassment IF some one said something to her OR if she overheard something....

I say this because at my best friends backyard wedding, a guest wore a sexy, lacy white dress. Yes, bride didn't notice but a lot of guests did, and H really snarked on it. We some how ended up chatting with this girl on the dance floor later that night and she went on and on about how this was the first wedding she had gone to and how excited she was to get dressed up, and that she even got her hair professionally done etc etc etc. Clearly she had no idea at all. 

SBmini

lolo883 said:

My FSIL wore a white dress to FI's cousin's wedding a few weeks ago. Like straight up, no bones about it, solid white linen dress. 

What did happen:

Lots of guests talking about it and how gauche it was of her. (And how ugly her shoes were.)

What did not happen:

The bride getting upstaged.

People confusing her for the bride.

The bride looking any less magnificent.

Anyone paying any less attention to the happy couple.

The bride talking about it.

This, IMO is the one reason to bring up to the FMIL and let her decide if she still wants to wear it. Hey, I don't care what you wear... but others might because of that old 'don't wear white at a wedding' rule. If you don't care, then I don't care. 

birdybride2014

SBmini said:

lolo883 said:

My FSIL wore a white dress to FI's cousin's wedding a few weeks ago. Like straight up, no bones about it, solid white linen dress. 

What did happen:

Lots of guests talking about it and how gauche it was of her. (And how ugly her shoes were.)

What did not happen:

The bride getting upstaged.

People confusing her for the bride.

The bride looking any less magnificent.

Anyone paying any less attention to the happy couple.

The bride talking about it.

This, IMO is the one reason to bring up to the FMIL and let her decide if she still wants to wear it. Hey, I don't care what you wear... but others might because of that old 'don't wear white at a wedding' rule. If you don't care, then I don't care. 

@SBmini I completely agree. Sometimes my mom isn't always aware of certain faux pas and when she showed me an outfit that she wanted me to order her for my wedding it was white. *I* DID NOT care that it was white, but I was worried that people who do not know my mother would unintentially side eye her, when in reality she does not know any better. I didn't want others thinking badly of her, because that thought makes me sad

theartistformerlyknownas

bubblegum1309 said:

lolo883 said:

My FSIL wore a white dress to FI's cousin's wedding a few weeks ago. Like straight up, no bones about it, solid white linen dress. 

What did happen:

Lots of guests talking about it and how gauche it was of her. (And how ugly her shoes were.)

What did not happen:

The bride getting upstaged.

People confusing her for the bride.

The bride looking any less magnificent.

Anyone paying any less attention to the happy couple.

The bride talking about it.

I have realized that many people that wear white to weddings do not do it to be rude or to upstage the bride, but that they don't realize that it can be considered rude or tacky... and will have no idea that people will side eye it and snark at it behind her back.

If she really didn't know, maybe it was good the groom told her to avoid embarrassment IF some one said something to her OR if she overheard something....

I say this because at my best friends backyard wedding, a guest wore a sexy, lacy white dress. Yes, bride didn't notice but a lot of guests did, and H really snarked on it. We some how ended up chatting with this girl on the dance floor later that night and she went on and on about how this was the first wedding she had gone to and how excited she was to get dressed up, and that she even got her hair professionally done etc etc etc. Clearly she had no idea at all. 

That's an entirely different tactic though than the one the OP employed. There's a big difference between "you can't wear white to a wedding" and "some people might criticize your choice."