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October 2014 Weddings

Invites out! Guests adding plus ones :(

We sent invites out last week, yay! We've started getting our RSVP's back which is super exciting. FI's Great Aunt (grandma's sister) a while back had asked if she was getting a plus one, we said we would consider it. After looking at the budget, we decided any truly single guests (no significant other) would not get a plus one. She is older (70s), and divorced and widowed (second marriage). She will certainly know people, FIs grandmother is her sister. I'm not sure how to tell this woman, who I've met once that no she cannot have a plus one. Clearly we would seat her with her family and not with some stranger! I know FI will agree with me, but he's not one for confrontation either. To add more to it, his grandmother likes to think she is in control of everything and she is the one that is more or less pushing this. What do I do?
October 2014 Brides - July Siggy Challenge: Cakes
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Re: Invites out! Guests adding plus ones :(

  • We just got one back yesterday where we invited a friend and his girlfriend. 
    They sent back the rsvp with both of them AND her 2 kids. 

    I think we need to call them and politely explain that the invitation was for the two of them only.  FI just wants to let it go and let the kids come.  It's FI's friend, so I feel like he should make the call, but he just wants to allow it. 
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  • I did give a single aunt in her 70's a plus one because she is older and doesn't drive regularly, so my mom said to include a guest for her.  Could that be the possible issue for your family member, @jennyp37?  Otherwise, I just don't know what gives people the idea that they are able to dictate such things when they are a guest!!!!
    jules3964
  • Dignity100Dignity100 Northeastern Ohio member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    Honestly - if I was invited to a wedding and not given a +1, even if I was going to be seated with family/friends; I probably would not attend.  I would assume all my family/friends would have a date and I would just be a 3rd wheel.


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    Anniversary
  • I'm having issues with this sort of thing as well, with adding children, and +1s. I'm extremely annoyed by it, but my parents are letting it slide. I'm just going to have a hard time in the future not considering these people to be rude...
  • I've gone to weddings by myself.  To me it's not a date night, it's a time to socialize, so people who are there aren't out on a date and you're their third wheel.  As long as I know people there, I don't see the problem going alone.
  • I just always assumed that invitations for unmarried but dating or whatever people included their partner. Girl in my office asked me the other week about it, as she had gotten an invitation and it didn't specify. I told her she better check with that specific couple, but that my invites don't specify one way or the other.
  • I had parents ask if their teenage children could bring their girlfriends/boyfriends... So suddenly a family of 6 would be a family of 8! 
    I couldn't believe they would even ask that!

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  • We set a rule for only engaged and live-in couples to get a plus one.  All of our friends were understanding, considering our price per plate is up there. We did have a few people record a filet mignon dinner choice for their 6 year old (WHAT?), to which I had to explain a children's dish is provided for them.  We wrote specific names or "and guest" on the inside envelope for our invites, so we haven't had anyone assume they could add.  If we do, we plan to just say that due to budget constraints, we cannot accommodate the plus one. We aren't making exceptions, just because if person X hears that person Y got a plus one, all hell would break loose! We did have one great aunt get mad because her two sons (who I've never met!) weren't invited. Oh well. I'm not worried about it.  You're damned if you do and damned if you don't!
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    ~Melissa
  • Thanks everyone for the great feedback. FI and I discussed it some more and thankfully he's making the call and we aren't going to give into the plus one. Knock on wood this is our only one!
    October 2014 Brides - July Siggy Challenge: Cakes
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    Pepperally
  • des9724 said:

    We set a rule for only engaged and live-in couples to get a plus one.  All of our friends were understanding, considering our price per plate is up there. We did have a few people record a filet mignon dinner choice for their 6 year old (WHAT?), to which I had to explain a children's dish is provided for them.  We wrote specific names or "and guest" on the inside envelope for our invites, so we haven't had anyone assume they could add.  If we do, we plan to just say that due to budget constraints, we cannot accommodate the plus one. We aren't making exceptions, just because if person X hears that person Y got a plus one, all hell would break loose! We did have one great aunt get mad because her two sons (who I've never met!) weren't invited. Oh well. I'm not worried about it.  You're damned if you do and damned if you don't!

    All couples should be invited as a unit. It's rude not to invite someone's partner just because they don't live together. A partner is not a plus 1. A plus 1 is when a truly single person gets to bring a guest.
    beachyone15jules3964PineapplePopsicles
  • jerkyanne said:
    We set a rule for only engaged and live-in couples to get a plus one.  All of our friends were understanding, considering our price per plate is up there. We did have a few people record a filet mignon dinner choice for their 6 year old (WHAT?), to which I had to explain a children's dish is provided for them.  We wrote specific names or "and guest" on the inside envelope for our invites, so we haven't had anyone assume they could add.  If we do, we plan to just say that due to budget constraints, we cannot accommodate the plus one. We aren't making exceptions, just because if person X hears that person Y got a plus one, all hell would break loose! We did have one great aunt get mad because her two sons (who I've never met!) weren't invited. Oh well. I'm not worried about it.  You're damned if you do and damned if you don't!
    All couples should be invited as a unit. It's rude not to invite someone's partner just because they don't live together. A partner is not a plus 1. A plus 1 is when a truly single person gets to bring a guest.

    Our rule was you had to be dating before we sent invitations. BUT our invitations went out & a week later my fiance's cousin started dating a guy. She didnt ask or anything just wrote 2 will be attending. I didnt want to give her the plus one but after an argument with FH and talking to my MIL were just letting him come. But now my FH needs to contact her since she didnt even write his name on the RSVP...

     

  • Dignity100Dignity100 Northeastern Ohio member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    des9724 said:
    We set a rule for only engaged and live-in couples to get a plus one.  All of our friends were understanding, considering our price per plate is up there. We did have a few people record a filet mignon dinner choice for their 6 year old (WHAT?), to which I had to explain a children's dish is provided for them.  We wrote specific names or "and guest" on the inside envelope for our invites, so we haven't had anyone assume they could add.  If we do, we plan to just say that due to budget constraints, we cannot accommodate the plus one. We aren't making exceptions, just because if person X hears that person Y got a plus one, all hell would break loose! We did have one great aunt get mad because her two sons (who I've never met!) weren't invited. Oh well. I'm not worried about it.  You're damned if you do and damned if you don't!
    My FI and I started dating late Nov 2007.  We got engaged Nov 2013.  We do not live together.  My brother started dating his now wife in fall 2008 and married in summer 2009; they lived together after a few months of knowing each other. 

    Relationships move at different speeds; FI and I both already owned our own homes when we met plus there was a little thing that we worked together and had to keep our relationship on the DL while we were employed by the same employer.


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    Anniversary
  • iI just always assumed if your an adult you get a plus 1.  iI have never been invited to a wedding and not got a plus one. even when iI had no boyfriend and iI took someone iI knew. plus, do you really know all of the people that your inviting and know the entire personal life? what do you call people and ask does cousin sally have a serious boyfriend? that seems like a lot of work.
  • I have always been under the assumption that if you are being invited, you get a +1. For our wedding we gave everyone over 18 a +1 and a few people have opted to come alone, while others are bringing a date. I think it's only fair to allow people to bring someone they're comfortable with, as opposed to expecting someone to come and risk not knowing anyone. Just my opinion.
  • rsbloomrsbloom member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited August 2014
    Truly single people do not need a plus 1. However it is polite, if they are not going to know many other people, like inviting one coworker from an old job, to give them a plus 1 so they at least know one other person. If they are family or friends, who will know a lot of people, they don't need to bring a random friend that will cost you $ and space. 

     It's also polite to give the WP and immediate family plus 1s if they are single, like we gave FIs brother a plus 1, but again, not mandatory. 

    We were going to give our single guests plus 1s, but our family guest list was bigger than anticipated, and we heard some college acquaintances we do NOT want at our wedding, we're hassling our friends to be their plus 1s. 

     Also, children, 17 and under, are invited as part of their family unit and not with their SOs. So no, teenagers should not be trying to invite their SOs.
  • We've had several friends get into serious relationships in the past few months. I'm talking about moving in together and all that. Plus, my step-siblings both have new relationships. We had to add them. Now our guest list is above what we wanted. We are crossing fingers for more 'no' RSVP's, otherwise we thankfully have room at the venue to add another table.  
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  • Dignity100Dignity100 Northeastern Ohio member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    edited August 2014
    So my situation might be creeping up that sounds quite odd in my book. So my brother is starting a new job and doesn't know if he'll get enough time to take off for my wedding. Both he and his wife (SIL) have made comments that SIL would still come and bring her mother if he cannot make it?!?! My wedding is immediate family only - the only people that are not related by blood that are coming are SIL and FI's brother's long time GF. Hopefully my brother will be able to get the time off, because I'm sure he'll just call me selfish and accuse me of not liking SIL if I tell him 'I would feel uncomfortable having SIL and her mom at my wedding'. YAY - Family Drama . Because of how small my wedding is; I am not sending invites so it isn't a even a scenario of a 'named invitation'. EDIT: Paragraphs TK, I had paragraphs!


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  • @Dignity100 - I hope it works out that your brother can go so you don't have to deal with that situation.  I totally see SIL going and accepting that, I mean, she is married to your brother and she would be sort of representing him if he can't go.  But having her MOTHER go too?  That would be where I'd want to draw the line for sure.

  • Dignity100Dignity100 Northeastern Ohio member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    @Pepperally - I'm fine with SIL going if my bro cannot make it - but I'm not fine with her mother.  If her mother wants to come to our destination with SIL, that's fine, they can enjoy the parks together and all of that.  I just kind of feel they're taking advantage of the 'princess treatment' I'm going to be giving my guests (fancy dinner, dessert party & private transportation).  My brother has made comments about 'I've never seen Epcot's Illuminations Show so I'm glad I get to - we never stay because we don't like waiting for the buses, but since you're providing transportation, it works out perfect for us!' (is it just me - or does it come out like it's all about him??).  A little more background - they did get vacation insurance and my parents paid for their trip; so in my mind if my brother cannot go I would somewhat expect them to use the vacation insurance and pay my parents back the $$.  The whole situation is a bit odd in my opinion.


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    Anniversary
  • We have gotten back so many unexpected plus ones, and I've been updating my mom (my parents are footing the bill) and she has said we'll just deal with it. That being said, I really do think it's pretty rude. We were careful to include any serious couples (people who have been dating a year or more, or live together, etc) and I am disappointed at the number of write-ins that have come back. Now, one of those is from a friend who moved out of state and doesn't want to fly in to the wedding without bringing her boyfriend, who actually moved in with her after we sent out the invites. For that? Sure, I get it. But -- my college-aged cousin who will know half the family there and doesn't even have a NAME for his plus one? The close friend who started dating a guy a couple months ago and hasn't introduced him to our group of friends yet? Our wedding is NOT the place for those people. God bless my generous parents.
  • Yep, we have a few of these.  My cousin texted me "I have a plus one" last week.  She was single when invitations went out, but I had told her that if she started dating anyone I'd be happy to accommodate them.  The kicker is, after I said "oh, you're seeing someone?!," she said he was just a friend and she'd have to check with him on his last name.  Needless to say, I had to tell her that it was not going to happen.  Pretty sure she's pissed at me since she didn't respond to my very polite text, but she'll get over it...she's young and fickle.

    My mom's cousin responded with "and guest" and when I asked his mom if she knew her name, she said "I told him not to write her name down because she's flakey and I wouldn't count on her until she's at the door."  I nearly lost my mind...we have to pay per person, people!!!
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  • We had a sort of random "plus 2" happen this past week. One of fiance's good friends is apparently having his granddaughters the weekend of our wedding. So we're having his two teenage granddaughters attend our wedding. It's not a huge deal, I've met the girls before and they're a lot less annoying than most teenage girls I've spent any time with, it was just random.
  • Coming from a greek family i honestly never got invited to any event with a +1 until I was engaged... most being family events so I really didn't mind since I knew most the guests at these parties, therefore I didn't think it was such a big deal or how sensitive people get about +1. Originally young (college age and below) and single family members were invited as a family unit but that did not go over so well with fmil so we just increased the list even though it strains the budget. We did invite children as well... some parents are bringing their children and some are not its up to them but regardless I still think having children in my family at the wedding is far more important than a mysterious +1 ... my big fear is people replying with a guest that may not show and now we are stuck paying for a person we never met
  • We have gotten back so many unexpected plus ones, and I've been updating my mom (my parents are footing the bill) and she has said we'll just deal with it. That being said, I really do think it's pretty rude. We were careful to include any serious couples (people who have been dating a year or more, or live together, etc) and I am disappointed at the number of write-ins that have come back. Now, one of those is from a friend who moved out of state and doesn't want to fly in to the wedding without bringing her boyfriend, who actually moved in with her after we sent out the invites. For that? Sure, I get it. But -- my college-aged cousin who will know half the family there and doesn't even have a NAME for his plus one? The close friend who started dating a guy a couple months ago and hasn't introduced him to our group of friends yet? Our wedding is NOT the place for those people. God bless my generous parents.
    This isn't right.  It isn't your place or job to judge the seriousness of someone else's relationship - living together, timeframes, etc.  Who cares if you've met them?  I went to a wedding with my boyfriend of 9 days once and we are getting married in 37 days.  So who could have judged that relationship?  
    labrojerkyanne
  • hkda2003hkda2003 member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    edited August 2014
    Pineapplepopsicles... Many brides need to set guidelines based on their budget, and that's one way to do it. I have heard of many people doing this. I'm not one of them, but I don't think it's wrong...
    bekt14caroleeena
  • PepperallyPepperally member
    250 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited August 2014

    @Pineapplepopsicles - You are right, you can't judge a relationship, but you have to draw the line, many brides do...so really, if you never even met that person it's not a priority to have them there...doesn't matter if the relationship lasts in the long-run, you have to base it off the present situation.  To others it may not be a decision they have to worry about, but to others they have to draw the line. 

    This situation is why I'm so glad I'm having a much more intimate wedding where I really know everyone who's coming.  My friends/guests who are single understand why I'm not giving them a plus one...because I only want the people who matter the most to me there.

  • @Pineapplepopsicles - You are right, you can't judge a relationship, but you have to draw the line, many brides do...so really, if you never even met that person it's not a priority to have them there...doesn't matter if the relationship lasts in the long-run, you have to base it off the present situation.  To others it may not be a decision they have to worry about, but to others they have to draw the line. 

    This situation is why I'm so glad I'm having a much more intimate wedding where I really know everyone who's coming.  My friends/guests who are single understand why I'm not giving them a plus one...because I only want the people who matter the most to me there.

    But that is the thing.. you're inviting someone you love and care about to your wedding. If they have a girlfriend/boyfriend, it shouldn't matter if you've met them or not.  They love/care about them, so that deserves some respect from you.  Nobody is saying you have to give SINGLES a PLUS 1, that is totally different.  But if someone puts limits like "living together" or "engaged" or "less than a year" on a relationship, that is bs.  If your loved one (that is making the cut to your intimate wedding) considers themselves to be in a relationship, whether it meets your ridiculous requirements or not, should be invited with their significant other.  The ONLY exception to this is if the invites have already gone out by the time they START dating this person, and even then, you should try to accommodate them.  
    beachyone15
  • hkda2003 said:

    Pineapplepopsicles... Many brides need to set guidelines based on their budget, and that's one way to do it. I have heard of many people doing this. I'm not one of them, but I don't think it's wrong...

    @Pineapplepopsicles - You are right, you can't judge a relationship, but you have to draw the line, many brides do...so really, if you never even met that person it's not a priority to have them there...doesn't matter if the relationship lasts in the long-run, you have to base it off the present situation.  To others it may not be a decision they have to worry about, but to others they have to draw the line. 

    This situation is why I'm so glad I'm having a much more intimate wedding where I really know everyone who's coming.  My friends/guests who are single understand why I'm not giving them a plus one...because I only want the people who matter the most to me there.

    Yes, and your line should be everyone in any relationship. Truly single guests don't need a plus one. But someone's significant other is not a plus one, they are invited as a social unit. Anything less is rude.
    PineapplePopsiclesbeachyone15
  • I consider a relationship to be more than just having started dating. If you asked me to pinpoint a specific amount of time of being in an actual relationship, I would have to say I would need to consider the couple in question, rather than just make a solid rule that I must follow. I do believe that you should base it on each individual situation and not a solid line that doesn't allow for individual circumstances as they arise. I totally get why people have to sometimes draw a line.
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