Wedding Guest Pay for Their Own Dinner?

Maggie0829

KBrodbeck8 said:

I am not expecting gifts at the wedding. We hav elived in our house for 2 years.  I would rather have my loved ones there than a wedding present.  Them being there is more than enough.  The guests know this.  We are having a really simple party back home in a few weeks where we are cooking a simple meal.  

Look it is great that you don't expect or want gifts.  But you are inviting people to attend your OOT wedding which means they will spend time and money to get there for you and your FI.  So you need to host them properly.

holyguacamole79

KBrodbeck8 said:

I am not expecting gifts at the wedding. We hav elived in our house for 2 years.  I would rather have my loved ones there than a wedding present.  Them being there is more than enough.  The guests know this.  We are having a really simple party back home in a few weeks where we are cooking a simple meal.  

I realize this ship has sailed, but why even bother with the wedding at the resort to begin with? Why not just have a backyard wedding at home?

cafarrie

I don't know how correct this is, etiquette wise but since you can't change a lot at this point because of contracts could you host a cake a punch reception immediately following your ceremony for about an hour, ideally in the same space - then somehow get word out that the bride and groom will be having dinner/going to the piano bar after the reception if anyone would like to join them?  

To me, it seems like if you did SOMETHING for your guests immediately following - you could treat the dinner and bar celebration as an after party, which you are not required to host because it's not part of the formal wedding celebration.  I know at some after party's the B&G get the first round of drinks, maybe something like that would work?  

I don't want you to seem attacked!!  I think all PP's have given you good advice, and you've made it clear that there's not a ton you can do to change plans - I'm just trying to come up with some sort of compromise so your guests don't feel slighted. 

KBrodbeck8

I've already looked into the backyard wedding.  Long story short, I fought a long battle with my fiance, and lost.  His family is not interested in anything to do with that. With being at the resort and not breaking the bank, this is not only way I get what I always wanted (1) small wedding (2) Big Cedar (It's my favorite place to be.) and (3) Christmas. 

Maggie0829

KBrodbeck8 said:

I've already looked into the backyard wedding.  Long story short, I fought a long battle with my fiance, and lost.  His family is not interested in anything to do with that. With being at the resort and not breaking the bank, this is not only way I get what I always wanted (1) small wedding (2) Big Cedar (It's my favorite place to be.) and (3) Christmas. 

I'm sorry but I don't get any of this. So his family is not interested in a small backyard wedding but they are interested in going to some resort and watching you get married?

And also what does Christmas have to do with anything?

You really need to give some more detail here for us to understand.  We are trying to help you figure out the best route possible on a limited budget so that your invited guests don't go unhosted.

chicky1988

Maybe you should give more information.  I am confused, so I am sure others are.  

You are inviting 20-25 ppl to your ceremony.  How many people will be traveling for your wedding but are not invited to the ceremony?  Just the Aunts BF and the 5 kids?  

I agree with PP.  Aunts BF should be included.

holyguacamole79

KBrodbeck8 said:

I've already looked into the backyard wedding.  Long story short, I fought a long battle with my fiance, and lost.  His family is not interested in anything to do with that. With being at the resort and not breaking the bank, this is not only way I get what I always wanted (1) small wedding (2) Big Cedar (It's my favorite place to be.) and (3) Christmas. 

What does his family want? Are they financially contributing to the wedding?

misshart00

If inlaws aren't paying, they don't get a say in your wedding.

VulgarGirl

Alright, so here is what I would, if it were me.

At 3pm day of you get hitched (you did say 3 right? whatever time it is get hitched). 

Right afterwards take everyone out for a meal at a place you can afford. If this is chuck e cheese so be it. Resort restaurants are usually fairly pricey. But I'm sure there's something more cost effective in town.

Later on go back to the resort and the two of you can enjoy the dinner/cake/whatever together as part of your package.

You do need to invite your aunt's boyfriend. That's her boyfriend, you don't split up social units. You don't have to serve your guests steak. You do have the serve them SOMETHING.

doeydo

KBrodbeck8 said:

I've already looked into the backyard wedding.  Long story short, I fought a long battle with my fiance, and lost.  His family is not interested in anything to do with that. With being at the resort and not breaking the bank, this is not only way I get what I always wanted (1) small wedding (2) Big Cedar (It's my favorite place to be.) and (3) Christmas. 

Pfft, I would have called their bluff and planned a backyard wedding.  Let's just see them not show up to their son's the wedding since it is in a backyard *the horror*/sarcasm.

KBrodbeck8

I love Christmas and always wanted a wedding in December for the decorations.  

My hair dresser is going to dinner.  She was going down there the same time and said she would do my hair (for a very good price) and meet for dinner and the bar later.  

My in-laws are not contributing at all.  They wanted a huge wedding (like 300 just for them) and to be paid at my parents expense.  My parents cannot afford that.  They are barely afford this (meaning the elopement package.)  We are picking up a lot of the expenses (everything back home-the guys my fiance works with are cooking, photographer, rentals, decorations, our travel, hotel, and meals, etc.

southernbelle0915

Girl, this wedding is a hot mess. It can be cleaned up, for sure. But right now, it's a mess. In general:

- If you invite people to witness your wedding ceremony, you need to host them afterwards. If it's meal time, you host a meal. If it's not meal time, you can host cake/punch/apps/refreshments. The caveat to this is that if you ask people to travel, stay at hotel over night, etc. you really should host a meal.

- If you invite people to witness your ceremony, you need to provide chairs for that ceremony.

- It's rude to invite some people to the ceremony and some to the reception with a group your size. Invite them to ceremony AND reception. 

- People should be invited as social units. So your aunt gets invited WITH her boyfriend. You do not have to invite children to weddings at all, so feel free to exclude them all together.

- If you register, keep in mind honeymoon/gift card registries are asking for money and considered really rude. If you want cash, just don't register at all. People will ask you "what do you want, you're not registered anywhere?" and you can say "oh we're saving up for ______" People will get it.

To clean this up, I would suggest one of the following:

1) Truly elope with just you and your FI at Big Cedar. Just the two of you. Then carry on with the reception style party you plan to have in your hometown. If you invite anyone to attend, you need to host them. You relieve yourself of all hosting responsibilities if you don't invite people.

2) Invite people to witness your ceremony at Big Cedar. For the reception, either host your guests at the restaurant where your meal is included, OR find a different restaurant (one where you can afford to host the people you invite). It sounds like you don't have enough money to pay for your guests' dinner and do the big party at home, so you would need to cancel the hometown reception.

ETA: spelling

MairePoppy

Ditto Southernbelle, except, if your parents are paying for the elopement, I'm sure they expected to be included. You may invite the parents and pay for their dinner. If his parents decline your invitation, that's their loss.

princessleia22

 

chicky1988 said:

KBrodbeck8 said:

We can't change anything really.  We already have sent in the contract and paid.  

To the bolded part, what is in your contract?  If the link above was correct, then the only thing you really couldn't change is the time.  I would think that a 3pm 30 min wedding with cake and punch afterward then expecting guests to be released by 4:30/5 would be better than having them pay for their own meals.  Just my opinion, others may disagree.

It doesn't hurt to ask though if you can move it up  An option for cake and punch, if you can't afford to pay the resorts pricing would be to see how much it would be to rent a conference room or meeting room to have the cake and punch.  Get a cake from a local store and have fruit punch with sierra mist, ginger ale, and pinapple juice (always a winner).

$$ seems to be the biggest intimidation for you at this point.  Get creative  I agree w/ PPs ideas about canceling cable, eat ramen, sell some stuff on craigslist or a local FB site, heck, even refinance your car if you can.  I know going into debt for a wedding isn't the answer BUT its all about priorities

I think something like @chicky1988 suggested is your best option. Have wedding ceremony at 3-3:30pm and cake & punch reception 3:30-5:00pm.  And you would actually word it as "cake & punch reception" on the invites, so people know it doesn't include full meal. 

Then at the reception, you could also informally let guests know that you & DH will be having dinner at the restaurant that evening and they are welcome to join you if they wish.

 

holyguacamole79

KBrodbeck8 said:

I love Christmas and always wanted a wedding in December for the decorations.  

My hair dresser is going to dinner.  She was going down there the same time and said she would do my hair (for a very good price) and meet for dinner and the bar later.  

My in-laws are not contributing at all.  They wanted a huge wedding (like 300 just for them) and to be paid at my parents expense.  My parents cannot afford that.  They are barely afford this (meaning the elopement package.)  We are picking up a lot of the expenses (everything back home-the guys my fiance works with are cooking, photographer, rentals, decorations, our travel, hotel, and meals, etc.

Sorry to be blunt, but if your future in laws are not paying for the wedding, they need to keep their mouths shut about where it is held and how much it costs. This has to be something that you & your FI are united on.

I don't get what your hair dresser has to do with this.

I agree 100% with @southernbelle0915‌ 's 2 options. I also have a 3rd idea (if Big Cedar will let you). You could apply the $ you put down for the elopement package towards a honeymoon there. It honestly sounds like the Big Cedar wedding is going to have a lot of issues and will be a financial strain.

misshart00

nicoann said:

 

chicky1988 said:

KBrodbeck8 said:

We can't change anything really.  We already have sent in the contract and paid.  

To the bolded part, what is in your contract?  If the link above was correct, then the only thing you really couldn't change is the time.  I would think that a 3pm 30 min wedding with cake and punch afterward then expecting guests to be released by 4:30/5 would be better than having them pay for their own meals.  Just my opinion, others may disagree.

It doesn't hurt to ask though if you can move it up  An option for cake and punch, if you can't afford to pay the resorts pricing would be to see how much it would be to rent a conference room or meeting room to have the cake and punch.  Get a cake from a local store and have fruit punch with sierra mist, ginger ale, and pinapple juice (always a winner).

$$ seems to be the biggest intimidation for you at this point.  Get creative  I agree w/ PPs ideas about canceling cable, eat ramen, sell some stuff on craigslist or a local FB site, heck, even refinance your car if you can.  I know going into debt for a wedding isn't the answer BUT its all about priorities

I think something like @chicky1988 suggested is your best option. Have wedding ceremony at 3-3:30pm and cake & punch reception 3:30-5:00pm.  And you would actually word it as "cake & punch reception" on the invites, so people know it doesn't include full meal. 

Then at the reception, you could also informally let guests know that you & DH will be having dinner at the restaurant that evening and they are welcome to join you if they wish.

 

This is probably your best option.

Maggie0829

KBrodbeck8 said:

I love Christmas and always wanted a wedding in December for the decorations.  

My hair dresser is going to dinner.  She was going down there the same time and said she would do my hair (for a very good price) and meet for dinner and the bar later.  

My in-laws are not contributing at all.  They wanted a huge wedding (like 300 just for them) and to be paid at my parents expense.  My parents cannot afford that.  They are barely afford this (meaning the elopement package.)  We are picking up a lot of the expenses (everything back home-the guys my fiance works with are cooking, photographer, rentals, decorations, our travel, hotel, and meals, etc.

Time out. From what the package entails, you will be getting married outside. In December. In Missouri? Is that correct? That alone is probably not the best idea.

So your parents and you and your FI are paying for this.  So that means your FILs have zero say in anything.  And if your parents cannot afford to host all of the guests properly then you and your FI need to pick up the slack, meaning you need to cancel your at home party, possibly reschedule it for your first anniversary, and use whatever money you were putting toward that toward this wedding.  Also, if you are getting married in December and live in Missouri I really don't think having a backyard party a few weeks later (meaning January) is all that smart.

Since you asked for invite wording I am assuming that no invites have gone out.  And please tell me that you didn't do save the dates.  If you did not do save the dates then cut your guest list back so that you can more easily afford to host everyone that you do invite.

emanon321

I'm a big fan of the cake and punch idea. With a 3 o'clock wedding I think you can get away with it quite easily. Though it seems the venue may have issues as I'm looking at the brochure.

 Food and Beverage may not be brought into the resort and served for public 

consumption in any of our banquet rooms, hospitality suites or public areas.

chicky1988

emanon321 said:

I'm a big fan of the cake and punch idea. With a 3 o'clock wedding I think you can get away with it quite easily. Though it seems the venue may have issues as I'm looking at the brochure.

 Food and Beverage may not be brought into the resort and served for public 

consumption in any of our banquet rooms, hospitality suites or public areas.

Email and get a quote on a half sheet and punch.  Even at resort prices it shouldn't be as expensive as paying for $20 per family.  I suppose you could always do what you want and ask for forgiveness later but that can get messy.

chicky1988

chicky1988 said:

emanon321 said:

I'm a big fan of the cake and punch idea. With a 3 o'clock wedding I think you can get away with it quite easily. Though it seems the venue may have issues as I'm looking at the brochure.

 Food and Beverage may not be brought into the resort and served for public 

consumption in any of our banquet rooms, hospitality suites or public areas.

Email and get a quote on a half sheet and punch.  Even at resort prices it shouldn't be as expensive as paying for $20 per family.  I suppose you could always do what you want and ask for forgiveness later but that can get messy. Clarification: This was meant in context of the outside food at the resort/meeting room.  Please don't misconstrue it to mean you can do what you want, piss off your guests, and ask for forgiveness later. That would be taking steps backwards

manateehugger

ACK! I missed that this place is in MO. In December, you'll be lucky if you get a high of mid-40's. MO weather can be all over the place. Make sure your ceremony is quick - for your sake as well as your guests. 

I agree with asking to see what the resort can do you for you as an afternoon snack. 

KBrodbeck8

The ceremony will not be outside.  It will be inside at a separate lobby on the resort.  You're right a wedding in December outside would just be dumb. 

lurkergirl

KBrodbeck8 said:

The ceremony will not be outside.  It will be inside at a separate lobby on the resort.  You're right a wedding in December outside would just be dumb. 

Right.  Because your guests would be miserable.  Just like they will be if you don't host a meal.

ETA: Or at least food appropriate to the time of day.

misshart00

KBrodbeck8 said:

The ceremony will not be outside.  It will be inside at a separate lobby on the resort.  You're right a wedding in December outside would just be dumb. 

Good to know it won't be outside. Could you host cake and punch in the same lobby area?

manateehugger

misshart00 said:

The ceremony will not be outside.  It will be inside at a separate lobby on the resort.  You're right a wedding in December outside would just be dumb. 

Good to know it won't be outside. Could you host cake and punch in the same lobby area?

Cocktails and light apps could be super snazy in a fancy lobby.

lyndausvi

Ugh, I wish you came to us first.   

I suggest you figure out a way to have the cake and punch reception in the lobby after the ceremony.   Then let everyone know via word of mouth they are welcome to join you afterwards at 'x' restaurant if they so choose.     

On the invite just say "cake reception to follow".  It will be clear no meal will be had.  Guests can do what they want.   Most likely most will just have dinner with you.  

Contact the restaurant BEFORE letting people know your dinner plans..   Restaurants are not keen on 25+ people just showing up for dinner.  Some even require you to go through the catering department.  Many do not allow tabs to be split by that many people.    

Good luck.

KBrodbeck8

We do have reservations made there already for 30 people.

emanon321

I'm just brainstorming here. (Other Knotties will have to let me know about the etiquette on this one, I'm learning myself)

You could move the wedding up a little earlier, reserve a private area in the restaurant, and have a dessert reception from the restaurant's dessert menu with coffee/tea/hot chocolate/etc (Warm desserts and drinks sounds like a wonderful finish to a coooold December wedding!), and pay for their food and drink.

Dessert menu (if this is the correct restaurant. (it won't let me link the website)

http://www.bpswms.com/BPS/Userfiles/23/file/DPDessert spring 2014(1).pdf

holyguacamole79

KBrodbeck8 said:

We do have reservations made there already for 30 people.

What are the terms of the reservations? When do you need to provide a final head count?

chicky1988

KBrodbeck8 said:

We do have reservations made there already for 30 people.

Awesome!  At this point the best thing you can do is contact the resort and see what they can do for you.  From there you will either know how to word the invites or at least have more info about whats possible or not.