Firing Bridesmaids

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I want this bride to show up somewhere on TK and share her side of the story.... anyone seen a similar post lately?  

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Edited to Copy & Paste actual text for anyone who can't click the link:

Earlier this year a college friend I’d recently reconnected with asked me to be in her wedding party. I live in Chicago, but the wedding is in a different part of the country over Memorial Day weekend, 2015. I happily said “yes!” as long as she was okay with me possibly not making it to the rehearsal dinner. My work has a weird policy where we aren’t normally allowed to take a day off before or after a three-day weekend. My friend said she would be totally fine with me letting her know later. Then she mailed me a Pinterest-inspired welcoming package complete with a tight pink tank top with “Bridesmaid” bedazzled on it. It was offical.I got another phone call a few days later asking me to go buy my bridesmaid dress that week, to insure we all were able to get the same one. No problem, I went out the next day and purchased my obligatory satin gown.A week later she texted me to see if I had found anything out yet about getting the day before her wedding off. Her wedding that was over a year away. I told her that I couldn’t request permission until the 2014-15 school year actually began, but that I’d let her know as soon as I heard anything!In July, she emailed out a very detailed itinerary for her wedding weekend coming up in a quick 11 months. This included times for hair, makeup, nail and lash extension appointments, which were optional. I nicely opted out of the appointments because I always like styling myself, but I told her that I’d love to hang out with the girls while they got styled. In this email, she again wanted to know my travel arrangements for the big weekend. I responded that I still didn’t know, but that I’d let her know as soon as I heard from my boss. I also casually reminded her that I just found out that I’m pregnant with my first child and would need to figure out newborn arrangements. What does one even do with a baby at an out-of-town wedding when you’re still breast-feeding?I then received another note asking me about her bridal shower in March. I told her I didn’t think I’d be able to make it because of cost and because I’d still be on (unpaid) maternity leave and a little strapped for cash.I then received ANOTHER email suggesting a bachelorette weekend in Chicago a month before the wedding. She thought it would be fun to go out in a big city, but she said she and her friends would stay in a hotel and not with us. I responded by saying how fun it would be to go out in Chicago together. I also mentioned that they’d definitely want to stay in a hotel downtown because I just bought a house outside of the city. It would be way more fun to stay closer to the action. I said I’d be more than happy to give a bunch of fun planning suggestions to her maid of honor. She never responded. Was I supposed to host and plan the weekend?Then today I got an extremely long text and don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to do now. She basically said that she had been wondering since our last set of emails if I thought that with a baby and work it would be too much to be in the bridal party. She said she’d, of course, love to have me, but that, if the stress of traveling and so forth was too much, she would totally understand if I would rather be a guest in the wedding and not a bridesmaid.

Is this a nice request to drop out of the wedding? Am I getting booted? I thought I was doing what was expected from an out-of-town bridesmaid. So what am I expected to do now? Drop out and try to sell the dress I had to purchase? I’m attending all I can and am acting VERY excited about all the pink-purple-flowerly weddingness that’s being sent my way! Is this text asking me to do more? Am I supposed to host a bachelorette weekend? I think even that, if I weren’t pregnant, I’d be doing the same amount. Even though I’ve planned my own wedding, it was a while ago and I don’t think I fully understand what’s expected of anyone involved. — Booted Bridesmaid?

beethery

Obligatory

theartistformerlyknownas

Only about every 3 or 4 days on Etiquette and/or WPs.

sarawifenow

I can't see it because my work blocks EVERYTHING! Anyone care to c/p or summarize for me? I'll bring:

hellohkb

Aw man! I feel bad for the bridesmaid. I have a BM who has 3 young babies and can never find sitters. If SHE feels that she is unable to be a BM for whatever reason, she can talk to me about it. She doesn't need me to breathe down her back wondering if she can or cannot make it. She's an adult, for God's sake.

smalfrie19

I think the only thing the bride did wrong was hound her friend. But she did recognize her friend ( the BM) has a lot of other things going on in her life and realizes that she may not be as comfortable being a BM as before. I think the BM is taking things out of hand. 

wandajune6

One of my good friends is due with twins any day now (technically 9/13 but realistically about to pop). She already has twin toddlers. I was meeting up to ask her to be a BM the same she was about to tell me about the second pregnancy.

She's started freaking out about being a BM-- worrying about babysitters (she knows the whole family is invited), finding a dress that will fit her, etc. I told her that she could show up in a tarp and I'd be happy but I don't want her to feel any pressure about anything. That's worked pretty well.

I'd be so hurt if someone sent me that email!

steph861

SaraBrideSoon said:

I can't see it because my work blocks EVERYTHING! Anyone care to c/p or summarize for me? I'll bring:

The bride asked an out-of-town friend to be a bridesmaid well over a year before the wedding and made her buy the dress right away. The bride keeps pressuring the BM (who I'm assuming is a teacher) to finalize her travel plans. The BM keeps telling the bride that she can't even request leave until the school year starts, but that she'll let her know as soon as she finds out. 

The BM then finds out that she's pregnant (the baby is due before the wedding). The BM isn't able to attend wedding events, so the bride suggested having the bachelorette party in the BM's hometown. The BM said sure, but got radio silence. 

Then the BM got a text from the bride saying that, while she'd love for her to be in the WP, she would completely understand if the BM would rather attend as a guest (due to being out of town and, by the time of the wedding, a new mother). The BM is scared that this is code for "please remove yourself from my WP" and doesn't know what to do.

levioosa

wandajune6 said:

One of my good friends is due with twins any day now (technically 9/13 but realistically about to pop). She already has twin toddlers. I was meeting up to ask her to be a BM the same she was about to tell me about the second pregnancy.

She's started freaking out about being a BM-- worrying about babysitters (she knows the whole family is invited), finding a dress that will fit her, etc. I told her that she could show up in a tarp and I'd be happy but I don't want her to feel any pressure about anything. That's worked pretty well.

I'd be so hurt if someone sent me that email!

Omg, twin infants AND twin toddlers?  She's never going to sleep again.  lol

sarawifenow

@steph11814--Oh that's juicy! Thank you!

Inkdancer

I think everybody in this whole situation needs to take a chill pill. Seriously, stop hounding your bridesmaids a year before the wedding, and stop taking everything the bride says with a helping of "OMG".

emmaaa

smalfrie19 said:

I think the only thing the bride did wrong was hound her friend. But she did recognize her friend ( the BM) has a lot of other things going on in her life and realizes that she may not be as comfortable being a BM as before. I think the BM is taking things out of hand.

I disagree with that. Having a baby is not really worth offering her a chance to back out. Maybe if a family member died or something traumatic happened? If someone if close enough to you to be a BM then they should be close enough to you to say they didn't feel like they could be a bridesmaid because of x,y,z. I noticed in the article the bride mentioned "duties." There aren't any duties.

I think both parties are kind of over reacting. 

theycallmelinz

Off-topic, but how in the hell does the bride already have an itinerary 11 months out? I'm under 8 months now and all I've got is that I need to be standing at the altar at 6 pm.

manateehugger

lulu411 said:

Off-topic, but how in the hell does the bride already have an itinerary 11 months out? I'm under 8 months now and all I've got is that I need to be standing at the altar at 6 pm.

Eh, I knew our general timeline about 12 months out except for the hair and makeup start time because I hadn't asked my bridesmaids about it yet. 

I was in grad school while wedding planning, so I smashed all planning into the less busy summer before our wedding. I think I had every vendor booked 11 months out. 

Granted I was sending anyone itineraries 11 months out; it was just for my planning purposes.

birdybride2014

lulu411 said:

Off-topic, but how in the hell does the bride already have an itinerary 11 months out? I'm under 8 months now and all I've got is that I need to be standing at the altar at 6 pm.

seriously. I'm less than three months out and people are asking for small itineraries and I'm like "I got...nothin" lol

SBmini

Honestly, if I was being hounded this much 11 months out I'd take the parachute being offered and sail far, far away from that wedding party. This wedding has drama written all over it. 

LakeR2014

manateehugger said:

lulu411 said:

Off-topic, but how in the hell does the bride already have an itinerary 11 months out? I'm under 8 months now and all I've got is that I need to be standing at the altar at 6 pm.

Eh, I knew our general timeline about 12 months out except for the hair and makeup start time because I hadn't asked my bridesmaids about it yet. 

I was in grad school while wedding planning, so I smashed all planning into the less busy summer before our wedding. I think I had every vendor booked 11 months out. 

Granted I was sending anyone itineraries 11 months out; it was just for my planning purposes.

Ditto.  I'm organized and need to have things planned.  Plus the year before my wedding I was in a wedding that was disorganized to the point where I was sending my FI to the store to buy us some food gosh darn it because we hadn't had a chance to eat in 7 HOURS!!  Plus there wasn't a time line or schedule so no one knew when to be where.

My wedding came up and was organized with a timeline for important things (hair, makeup, photos, ceremony, etc) and everyone really appreciated it.

Fast forward...many people in our wedding were in another family wedding 5 weeks later where there was NO timeline or communication as when people had to be where and when...that was a SH*T show and everyone compared it to ours.   I felt bad but not really.

The bride was way out of line telling people that far in advance and requesting that, but it definitely helps to have that information...and then ya know you give it to your VIPs maybe a month before the wedding not a YEAR!