This post is mainly to vent, but I'm also interested to see if anyone out there has any constructive ideas about what to do.
One of our groomsmen, J, has been my FI's friend since early childhood. J is basically my FI's little brother-- they grew up across the street from each other and played sports together through high school. Since then, they've grown apart somewhat, but I know the relationship is really important to my FI. So, J was asked to be a groomsmen. The FI and I decided to have our bachelor/bachelorette parties together, as a big pre-wedding bash, since a lot of our friends are mutual, and since we had just finished a challenging long-distance time period in the relationship. Most of our friends totally got that this was a mixed-company kind of deal and not a straight-up bachelor or bachelorette party. Unfortunately, we did not set clear expectations with J about this. He proceeded to act like it was a bachelor party the entire weekend, attempting to force the FI to chug alcohol constantly, start never-ending drinking games, and find a microphone broadcast system (this was an event with about 15 people) to broadcast his voice loudly the entire weekend. Oh, there were also certain expectations he had about the women cooking and cleaning for him. Charming. When the FI tried to intervene, he would yell, "you're the bachelor, you don't get a say! you do what we say!" It was absurd. I made it clear that this was not how I wanted to spend my weekend, and my friends and I just found other space to occupy and enjoy ourselves (we were on a farm with lots of space, so luckily this was possible).
It's a few weeks after the party, which, while frustrating mainly due to J's behavior, ended up being a good time overall. The FI calls J up to debrief the bach weekend with him, share his feelings, and set some expectations about wedding behavior (this is the guy that ruined his older sister's wedding by giving a seriously offensive speech where he suggested she get an abortion). J accuses my FI of being "whipped," says he did nothing wrong, and also says he is seriously worried that he's not going to have fun at our wedding. The FI, to his credit, stays super calm the whole time, and says that it's more important that we celebrate our marriage without J's disruption than for J to have fun. He also asked J to email me and apologize for acting like the farm weekend was a bachelor party. Yeah, we'll see about that.
So, that was my vent. I guess my questions are, what the heck do I do? How do I not punch this guy in the face on my wedding day? I don't want to ask my fiance to kick him out of the wedding party. I mean, I wouldn't mind, but that should be his decision, not mine. But how do I cope with him being in our wedding party? Thanks for your insights!