Wedding Party

Groomsman Drama

This post is mainly to vent, but I'm also interested to see if anyone out there has any constructive ideas about what to do.

One of our groomsmen, J, has been my FI's friend since early childhood.  J is basically my FI's little brother-- they grew up across the street from each other and played sports together through high school.  Since then, they've grown apart somewhat, but I know the relationship is really important to my FI.  So, J was asked to be a groomsmen.  The FI and I decided to have our bachelor/bachelorette parties together, as a big pre-wedding bash, since a lot of our friends are mutual, and since we had just finished a challenging long-distance time period in the relationship.  Most of our friends totally got that this was a mixed-company kind of deal and not a straight-up bachelor or bachelorette party.  Unfortunately, we did not set clear expectations with J about this.  He proceeded to act like it was a bachelor party the entire weekend, attempting to force the FI to chug alcohol constantly, start never-ending drinking games, and find a microphone broadcast system (this was an event with about 15 people) to broadcast his voice loudly the entire weekend.  Oh, there were also certain expectations he had about the women cooking and cleaning for him.  Charming.  When the FI tried to intervene, he would yell, "you're the bachelor, you don't get a say!  you do what we say!"  It was absurd.  I made it clear that this was not how I wanted to spend my weekend, and my friends and I just found other space to occupy and enjoy ourselves (we were on a farm with lots of space, so luckily this was possible).  

It's a few weeks after the party, which, while frustrating mainly due to J's behavior, ended up being a good time overall.  The FI calls J up to debrief the bach weekend with him, share his feelings, and set some expectations about wedding behavior (this is the guy that ruined his older sister's wedding by giving a seriously offensive speech where he suggested she get an abortion).  J accuses my FI of being "whipped," says he did nothing wrong, and also says he is seriously worried that he's not going to have fun at our wedding.  The FI, to his credit, stays super calm the whole time, and says that it's more important that we celebrate our marriage without J's disruption than for J to have fun.  He also asked J to email me and apologize for acting like the farm weekend was a bachelor party.  Yeah, we'll see about that.

So, that was my vent.  I guess my questions are, what the heck do I do?  How do I not punch this guy in the face on my wedding day?  I don't want to ask my fiance to kick him out of the wedding party.  I mean, I wouldn't mind, but that should be his decision, not mine.  But how do I cope with him being in our wedding party?  Thanks for your insights!

Re: Groomsman Drama

  • Everything that flantastic said, plus, you have a really great FI!!!! Enjoy your life and hats off to you for not allowing one immature fool to ruin your wedding events.
  • Echoing the PPs, plus:

    Warn your bartenders and security about J so that he can't get drunk on your dime and that he is to be removed if necessary from the reception.
  • Constructive advice: do not have an open mic for toasts. Like at all. Ignore him on your wedding day. You found a way to do this at the Bach, find a way to do it at the wedding.

    He sounds young and immature.
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  • That's so annoying. Sorry it happened. I agree with the PPs advice 100%. It's not your job to babysit him on your wedding day. However, give the right people a heads up about him and let them keep an eye out (like the bartender as one PP mentioned) 
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  • PP's covered it all, but I just want to say this guy sounds like a real asshole. It's one thing to want to party and act like a frat boy at a party, but why in the world would he think it would be okay to joke about the bride getting an abortion during his toast?! That's a whole other level of innapropriate.
                                 Anniversary
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  • This guy sounds very immature and at a very different point in his life vs. your FI's point in life.  Hopefully he will mature and this will be something you can laugh about in the future. 

    Ditto PP, don't let him near a microphone! 

  • Echoing PPs, definitely let the DJ and the bartender know about his potential bad behavior. Your story reminds me of my FBIL's childhood friend who he and my FI used to be close with, and my FBIL wanted him in his wedding, regardless of the fact that they weren't close as adults. He was an awful GM, caused drama along with his date at the wedding, and actually ended up leaving the reception very early (not sure if he was asked or if it was his own decision, but it was strange and awkward regardless). My FBIL hasn't seen him since! It was pretty easy for my FI to decide not to ask him in our wedding.

    Good luck with everything!
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers


  • Everyone, thank you SO much for all of the advice and support.  It's a relief to know other people have gone through similar things and have gotten through it.  I will definitely be giving a heads up to our day-of coordinator, the DJ, the bartender, and other members of the wedding party about J's behavior.  Thank you!!!  And keep it coming, I love hearing the stories.
  • edited August 2014
    Everyone, thank you SO much for all of the advice and support.  It's a relief to know other people have gone through similar things and have gotten through it.  I will definitely be giving a heads up to our day-of coordinator, the DJ, the bartender, and other members of the wedding party about J's behavior.  Thank you!!!  And keep it coming, I love hearing the stories.
    No, don't do this.

    You don't need to air J's dirty laundry to the WP.  If they were at the bach party, they have already seen him in action.  PLus, it's not their responsibility to police him on your wedding day- that's a job for your DoC, bartender, and security.


    Here's a story about an OC bridesmaid: 
    - got super drunk and sloppy at the RD and hit on all the GMs whether they were married or not.
    - also at RD, strapless dress fell down a bit too low and there was a nip slip
    - made the toast at the wedding: drunk/slurred words, 20 minutes long, read monotone from her iPhone the whole time, stupid inside jokes, made comments about how the couple were living together (bride's family super religious and didn't know), made comments about bride's ex-bfs, how the bride was messy...

    I could go on, but needless to say, after she was done talking, everyone's drinks were gone and everyone's face was like this:
    image
    WTF is wrong with ppl?!

    How does stuff like this even go on for more than 5 minutes?!  The DJ didn't think to turn the mic off, or get it?  No one else thought to create a diversion and get the mic away from her?

    Wow.  Poor Bride and Groom >< 

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • southernbelle0915 said: Here's a story about an OC bridesmaid: - got super drunk and sloppy at the RD and hit on all the GMs whether they were married or not.- also at RD, strapless dress fell down a bit too low and there was a nip slip- made the toast at the wedding: drunk/slurred words, 20 minutes long, read monotone from her iPhone the whole time, stupid inside jokes, made comments about how the couple were living together (bride's family super religious and didn't know), made comments about bride's ex-bfs, how the bride was messy...
    I could go on, but needless to say, after she was done talking, everyone's drinks were gone and everyone's face was like this:image
    Why do
    I never get invited to these train wrecks??  I want some entertainment, too!

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    Anniversary

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  • @PrettyGirlLost, yeah, I hear that.  However, not all of them were at the bach party (a few folks couldn't make it), so I could see a scenario where one of them has the mic and then J walks up to take it and they unknowingly give it to him.  So, maybe instead of telling the whole story, it'll just be a heads up that he should never have the mic.  
  • edited August 2014

    J needs to know that his good time is ruining everyone else's good time.

    You should tell the DJ not to give J the mic and warn the other professionals you're paying about J's idea of fun. This sounds like an alcohol problem. The bartender could cut him off and the wedding coordinator could possibly keep an eye on him. A man who would suggest his sister have an abortion in his wedding toast isn't dealing with a full deck. That's appalling.

    He's going to be single for a very long time.

     

                       
  • pinkcow13 said:
    PP's covered it all, but I just want to say this guy sounds like a real asshole. It's one thing to want to party and act like a frat boy at a party, but why in the world would he think it would be okay to joke about the bride getting an abortion during his toast?! That's a whole other level of innapropriate.
    That floored me too. That and the "women in the kitchen" shit would have gotten him quite the crane-kick to his bits from me.
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