Feeling like a maternal failure

themuffinman16

Today, I watched my niece and my nephew, while my sister was at an appt.  I stayed later to help her, as back evaluation appts tend to be unbearable. I just feel so overwhelmed, right now.  My niece did not burp when I tried to burp her, resulting in a very angry, gassy baby.  Then, later on, I went to put my nephew to sleep, and he acted like he hated me. (he is almost 2 years old).  He was punching me, kicking me, biting me, scratching me, and pinching me. He started crying for "mum" like he was a british dude. I read him 3 books and sang him 4 songs, all the while he was acting like we were in a cage match.   He finally went to sleep to the sound of my crying.

   H and I are supposed to have kids, and I feel like it's a big mistake. Every time I take care of a baby, I don't do it right. I eff something up, and I don't know what the hell I am doing.  The children know it, they can sense it, and they react to it. Every time I watch kids, I feel like I have no business having any of my own.  Is this normal?  I am just in tears, right now, thinking I will screw up my future children... worried I will be my mother. My twin sister is so maternal, it shines a spotlight on my inadequacy as a future mother. Feeling really down, tonight.

lovesclimbing

Well, for one, those kids know you're not their mom so bein without their mom at a young age can lead to tantrums and tears etc. Your baby will know you're their mom. Baby's learn your voice while they're still in the womb!

Two, I think everyone feels that way at least a little that they'll be a bad/inadequate parent. I know I do sometimes and kids are atill a few years out for us.

When you get pregnant, take some classes. They'll help you learn how to hold the baby and get more comfortable. Also, when you had a kid, you will be holding it and taking care of it all day, not just a couple hours here and there. You'll get used to them and be more comfortable pretty quickly!

themuffinman16

Thank you.  I am around these kids all of the time, but the two year old has been having violent outbursts, because he has serious jealousy issues to the new baby. My sis is a SAHM, so my nephew doesn't usually have anyone beside her put him to bed. I have put him to bed many times before, but it has never been this bad. When he was crying for his mom, I felt absolutely awful.  He acted like I was really mean to him, and wanted his mom to save him.  It really broke my heart.

  Anyway, I can't wait to have to explain these bruises, I see coming in on my neck and arms. Thank you so much for the solutions (ie parenting classes.)  I'm the type of person that needs to know a problem can be fixed. Coming from a less than favorable home situation, I wouldn't want to do what was done to me. I am scared if I have any of the negative qualities my parents had.

levioosa

I don't have any kids yet, but I want them now (I didn't want kids when I was younger).  However, I'm not nearly as good as my friends are with connecting and taking care of kids, especially little kids.  Sometimes I feel bad about it, like I will be some kind of a failure as a parent, and then I realize that my child is going to be different then other children in that I will be fully invested and in love with them.  And I second Lovesclimbing, your kid won't be in your life for small snippets at a time, they're there for good.  You will learn very quickly how to hold them, what they like, and how to be comfortable with your baby.   

Every new parent feels like they have absolutely no idea what they are doing.  The first kid is a guinea pig.  All parents make mistakes.  All parents wish there were things they had done differently.  If you ask your sister and she's honest, there's probably some things she already wishes she had done differently.  At the very least, she would be able to tell you of numerous times she tried disciplining or sleep schedules, what have you, and of how many times it took her to "figure it out."  

Don't worry about being the "perfect parent" and conversely don't worry about making the same mistakes your parents did.  You are not them.  You are a completely different person who has the ability to analyze why the treatment your parents gave you was hurtful and how to recognize and stop those same behaviors (if you even have them to begin with).  

Becoming a parent is terrifying for everyone.  Don't get discouraged, OP.

FYI, there's a reason they're called the "Terrible Two's."

wandajune6

I don't have kids but I have a twin sister with a toddler too!

Z's 2.5 and has just recently turned into a holy terror. I adore the girl but even my sister warns me about bedtime. She's calling it a phase....

In terms of the bruises, I'd ask your sister how she handles the violence. That shit won't work with me (as FI's nephews can attest, I have 0 tolerance for violence). Find out how your sister handles discipline and use that. When you have your own kids, you'll find what works for you and your kids.

I want a baby but babysitting Z at every age has scared me shitless. I think we all just figure out what works.

banana468

Even parents go through this!   I can tell you that I knew my husband since we were 18.   This was a relationship that started as friends, through NCAA championships, attending major sporting events and we have been married for 7 years now.   It wasn't until DD was 2 years old that his voice reached decibel levels that I didn't think were possible.

The toddler phase is TOUGH.   It's a LOT of testing boundaries and limits and I still question my approach after DD smacks me, uses bad words or just ceases using her "listening ears".   Reading up on parenting techniques helps but you need to know that a 2 yo is going to be testing you because you're not his mommy and he wants to know if the rules are still applying even when she's not there.   My lovely, wonderful, perfect-in-every-way DD does that and just yesterday I picked her up from daycare to be told that she woke up from nap telling her friend that he was a poop and she just took toys from kids rather than wait her turn.    Her daycare teacher's last day was yesterday and with a baby due any day now, I know she's in a state of "my life is upside down".     

My point - the 2 yo is going to be rough and it's no reflection on you or your sister being "better."

As for the little one, getting the burps out and figuring out what makes her "work" is just practice.    I am freaking out about how I'm going to handle the next one and I've done this before!   You ultimately figure it out in between sleepless nights and lots of tears.   It's totally normal to feel like you're far too smart to not have a clue but you get over it and get through it.    Lots of coffee and wine help.

hellosweetie1015

Oh, dear. 

The good news is that PPs are right in that it won't be your sister's kids, it'll be your kids, and they will know you as Mommy, not as Aunt Muffin. They will want and need you there, just like your nephew wants and needs his mommy. 

As for the Terrible Twos... definitely find out how Mom handles that. I know she isn't putting up with it. My reaction would be exactly this: "Nephew Muffin, we do not hit people. I'm going to go into the playroom and will be sitting quietly. When you're ready for your story, you can come tell me you're sorry for hitting me and I'll read it to you."  Of course, my reaction may not work for every kid, but I do think that two is old enough to start with that.

Also, PPs are saying that the first child gets all the mistakes. FI and I were both first-children (although technically FI is an only child) and we both turned out fine. My parents even went on to make three more. 

misshart00

You will not be a failure. I think worrying about being a good mom is one of the signs of being a good mom, if that makes sense.

My awful mom moment that I've been thinking about lately is when my DD went to the hospital at 6 months old. The day she went, I told H not to call the doctor because she would be fine (she had been throwing up for weeks, we had been to the doctor). I'm very glad he didn't listen to me because there were a couple times in the hospital where we didn't know if we would leave with her.

theartistformerlyknownas

PPs are totally right. 2 year olds can be assholes, and kids behave differently for their parents than anyone else.

My foolproof baby burping method is to sit baby sidesaddle on my knee, supporting them with one hand on their chest. Then thump the middle of their back with the heel of your other hand. Works way better than the over the shoulder method and if they spit up it doesn't go down your back.

levioosa

CaitTDid23 said:

Oh, dear. 

The good news is that PPs are right in that it won't be your sister's kids, it'll be your kids, and they will know you as Mommy, not as Aunt Muffin. They will want and need you there, just like your nephew wants and needs his mommy. 

As for the Terrible Twos... definitely find out how Mom handles that. I know she isn't putting up with it. My reaction would be exactly this: "Nephew Muffin, we do not hit people. I'm going to go into the playroom and will be sitting quietly. When you're ready for your story, you can come tell me you're sorry for hitting me and I'll read it to you."  Of course, my reaction may not work for every kid, but I do think that two is old enough to start with that.

Also, PPs are saying that the first child gets all the mistakes. FI and I were both first-children (although technically FI is an only child) and we both turned out fine. My parents even went on to make three more. 



SITB:

Freaking TK formatting....anyways.

I didn't mean that mistakes for the first kid = you turn out terrible.  I just meant that no one is perfect, and the first kid experiences a little more trial and error than subsequent kids and routine things get easier (ex. first kid you might need some time to get used to changing diapers, by the third kid it's like a timed rodeo showdown and it's done in less than a minute). Of course, every kid is different.  My parents were super strict with me, and my brother got the more relaxed parenting style.  They definitely should have switched the styles, but I turned out fine.