Wedding Etiquette Forum

No bridesmaid SOs invited to Rehearsal Dinner?

2

Re: No bridesmaid SOs invited to Rehearsal Dinner?

  • This is basically how my boss reacted when she found out that people thought she was rude for excluding SOs from her wedding. To her, we were all SOOOO RUDE for not wanting to attend without our boyfriends, and to another co-worker (who's very close to our boss and whose husband was invited), it was "a huge slap in the face to our boss and it should be about supporting her, not having date night with our boyfriends."

    For some reason, people just REALLY hate hearing the truth about themselves and they dont respond well to criticisms of their actions. Also, I don't give a shit what you think my role at your wedding should be; it's a wedding, not a court hearing, you don't need support from anyone but your fiance.

    Stand your ground, OP! Obviously, this bride is your friend and so I imagine you can speak with her a little more candidly than I could with my boss. I would tell her "I'm sorry that you feel the way you do about this, I dont mean to make you feel unsupported on your wedding day, but I just don't want to attend dinner without my FI. It sounds like you'll be plenty surrounded by friends and family at the RD, so I know youll have an awesome evening with them."
  • lc07lc07 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited August 2014
    You are disappointed. And you respectfully understand. Instead of throwing a hissy-fit and telling the bride what a bitch she is being, you are simply not attending. 
  • Well, I am standing my ground but I am unsure now as more information unfolds. A couple more of the bridesmaids, including the MOH jumped on me over my reason. It turns out that the bride was not in charge of the RD plans- the payment and arrangements were being handled by her fiance's parents and it was THEM who made the call of not allowing the bridal party to bring their SOs. She is starting to say that she had no control over inviting Significant Others of the bridal party because of this. 

    The MOH (who is also a bridesmaid in my wedding party) is also telling me to suck it up because "It is her wedding and she has every right to make this decision without question" and that "there is no disrespect here, it's just a difficult decision based on # of attendants and costs."
  • I understand the costs issue. That's fine. If they can truly only cover the costs of the people in the actual rehearsal, then ok. However, that means no one's SO should be allowed to come if it's really about costs. It's all or nothing, otherwise it IS disrespectful those whose SO were not allowed to come.
  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited August 2014
    JBee85 said:
    Well, I am standing my ground but I am unsure now as more information unfolds. A couple more of the bridesmaids, including the MOH jumped on me over my reason. It turns out that the bride was not in charge of the RD plans- the payment and arrangements were being handled by her fiance's parents and it was THEM who made the call of not allowing the bridal party to bring their SOs. She is starting to say that she had no control over inviting Significant Others of the bridal party because of this. 

    The MOH (who is also a bridesmaid in my wedding party) is also telling me to suck it up because "It is her wedding and she has every right to make this decision without question" and that "there is no disrespect here, it's just a difficult decision based on # of attendants and costs."
    Actions have consequences.  They have every right not invite the SO's.  The consequences mean someone might decline.  

    That is okay.  It's just a dinner.  i've been a BM many times and barely get to hang with the bride at the RD.    

    Time with my DH is precious.  Tomorrow I'm going to be spending most of the day without him.  I'm not going to be made to feel bad for wanting to hang out with him the night before.



    ETA - I will say I would not hold it against you if you want to cave just to keep the peace.  I  might cave myself. I would show face and then leave as quickly as I could.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • Stay strong! It's fine (well not really but whatever) if whoever is hosting decided to not invite ALL SO's due to cost... but that doesn't mean it isn't also fine for you to decline a social event in favor of spending time with your husband who specifically took off work for the evening. And the reality is, even if the bride really didn't have a say in the guest list for this event, you mentioned she didn't even allow two other BMs to bring their boyfriends to the actual wedding... so obviously she is struggling with the concept that it's very rude to not invite couples as a single social units to events herself.
  • MGPMGP member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited August 2014
    JBee85 said:
    Well, I am standing my ground but I am unsure now as more information unfolds. A couple more of the bridesmaids, including the MOH jumped on me over my reason. It turns out that the bride was not in charge of the RD plans- the payment and arrangements were being handled by her fiance's parents and it was THEM who made the call of not allowing the bridal party to bring their SOs. She is starting to say that she had no control over inviting Significant Others of the bridal party because of this. 

    The MOH (who is also a bridesmaid in my wedding party) is also telling me to suck it up because "It is her wedding and she has every right to make this decision without question" and that "there is no disrespect here, it's just a difficult decision based on # of attendants and costs."
    LURKERS TAKE NOTE - these are the kind of peripheral issues you run into by selecting a large wedding party. Sure, you may be fine with taking on the expense of the bouquets and gifts, but if someone else hosts the rehearsal dinner this is the kind of crap that happens. 

    If these people were properly hosting they would at minimum pay for everyone involved in the rehearsal plus their SO's. Assuming the sides are even to some point in the OP's situation that's the potential for 7 BM's + SO's, 7 GM's + SO's, readers + SO's, any child attendants + their parents, then parents on both sides, officiant, bride, and groom.  Then many hosts want to invite out of town guests or other family members on top of that. 

    It can end up being a lot of people.  So guess what happens?  The bad/cheap hosts say "What???  We don't want to pay for dinner for 40 people we don't know" and the SO's are cut to make room for Aunt Sally and Uncle Bob who the family hasn't talked to in five years. It's terrible. 

    OP it's quite possibly true that the future in laws are the ones making the decision to not host SO's. However the bride DOES have more control than she realizes and instead of rolling over and taking it should either 1) stand up to them and insist SO's are included, 2) insist they THEY make cuts from their list to accommodate SO's (if "extra" people are on the guest list), 3) pay herself to include them, or 4) cancel the rehearsal which eliminates the need for a rehearsal dinner.

    This bad decision is making everyone look bad and it's best all around if they fix the situation and try and save some face.  As the bride I would be concerned what other type of crap these people would pull after I was married. 

    ETA - is the same thing happening on the groom's side where the SO's of the guys are being snubbed too?

    Sorry this is long and that the format sucks.

    ***** sorry to sound somewhat stereotypical in my estimate. I know sides aren't always even, and there can be blended families, step parents, same sex couples, etc. was just trying to show how things add up quickly.
  • zitiqueen said:
    JBee85 said:
    Well, I am standing my ground but I am unsure now as more information unfolds. A couple more of the bridesmaids, including the MOH jumped on me over my reason. It turns out that the bride was not in charge of the RD plans- the payment and arrangements were being handled by her fiance's parents and it was THEM who made the call of not allowing the bridal party to bring their SOs. She is starting to say that she had no control over inviting Significant Others of the bridal party because of this. 

    The MOH (who is also a bridesmaid in my wedding party) is also telling me to suck it up because "It is her wedding and she has every right to make this decision without question" and that "there is no disrespect here, it's just a difficult decision based on # of attendants and costs."
    What a load of crap. Once the bride found out her FILs weren't properly hosting her guests, they should have declined their offer to pay for the RD and said she her FI would do it themselves, or forgone the entire rehearsal and RD altogether. Everybody knows how to walk down an aisle.
    This.   Then your response can be, "I'm still supporting her.   I'm just not supporting the poor decisions of her FILs."  
  • Your friend is completely out of line and being rude. With that said I would probably suck it up and still
    Attend if it was a good friend. And only because H would probably skip the RD anyway. He's skipping my sisters this Saturday, which is totally fine, but he as invited.

    But I'd still be pissed. A few years ago a really
    Good friend didn't invite an SOs to her RD. She said they didn't need to be there and she told me "well you H (boyfriend at the time) never goes to this stuff anyway." My response was that I was upset he wasn't welcome and given the option to make his own decision of whether or not go.
    I still went but I was pleased.


    I'm glad your standing your ground. There is no excuse for this rudeness
  • edited August 2014
    JBee85 said:
    Well, I am standing my ground but I am unsure now as more information unfolds. A couple more of the bridesmaids, including the MOH jumped on me over my reason. It turns out that the bride was not in charge of the RD plans- the payment and arrangements were being handled by her fiance's parents and it was THEM who made the call of not allowing the bridal party to bring their SOs. She is starting to say that she had no control over inviting Significant Others of the bridal party because of this. 

    The MOH (who is also a bridesmaid in my wedding party) is also telling me to suck it up because "It is her wedding and she has every right to make this decision without question" and that "there is no disrespect here, it's just a difficult decision based on # of attendants and costs."
    If she didn't agree with not inviting SOs, she should have declined her FIL's offer to host and hosted it herself. Obviously she CHOSE to move forward with letting them host (probably because she wanted to save money). Well, sorry toots, choices have consequences. 

    Why does the MOH even know about this and why does she think it's her place to talk to you about it at all? Because the bride is gossiping about your RSVP? These people are a hot mess. They're being overly dramatic about something that's not really a big deal.

    ETA: I would still stick with your "decline" RSVP.
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  • JBee85 said:
    Well, I am standing my ground but I am unsure now as more information unfolds. Nope, don't give in to peer pressure.  You shouldn't give a flying rat's ass what these other ladies' opinions are.  A couple more of the bridesmaids, including the MOH jumped on me over my reason.   They need to be reminded that they need to mind their own damn business.  It turns out that the bride was not in charge of the RD plans- the payment and arrangements were being handled by her fiance's parents and it was THEM who made the call of not allowing the bridal party to bring their SOs.  Uh huh.  The Bide is trying to shirk responsibility for this mess and to defelct blame.  It was the Bride's responsibility to give her FILs her RD guest list and it was her responsibility that ppl on her guest list were treated properly, or else decline the money and RD from her FILs and host it herself.   She is starting to say that she had no control over inviting Significant Others of the bridal party because of this.   Uh huh, of course she is.  Too damn bad.  When you tacitly condone bade behavior you are also implicated in that bad behavior.

    The MOH (who is also a bridesmaid in my wedding party) is also telling me to suck it up because "It is her wedding and she has every right to make this decision without question" and that "there is no disrespect here, it's just a difficult decision based on # of attendants and costs."  "Sure, MOH, think whatever the hell you want to think and do whatever the hell you want to do.  I'm not going to the RD, but feel free to do so and enjoy!  I will not discuss this any further with you or anyone else."


    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • MGP said:
    JBee85 said:
    Well, I am standing my ground but I am unsure now as more information unfolds. A couple more of the bridesmaids, including the MOH jumped on me over my reason. It turns out that the bride was not in charge of the RD plans- the payment and arrangements were being handled by her fiance's parents and it was THEM who made the call of not allowing the bridal party to bring their SOs. She is starting to say that she had no control over inviting Significant Others of the bridal party because of this. 

    The MOH (who is also a bridesmaid in my wedding party) is also telling me to suck it up because "It is her wedding and she has every right to make this decision without question" and that "there is no disrespect here, it's just a difficult decision based on # of attendants and costs."
    LURKERS TAKE NOTE - these are the kind of peripheral issues you run into by selecting a large wedding party. Sure, you may be fine with taking on the expense of the bouquets and gifts, but if someone else hosts the rehearsal dinner this is the kind of crap that happens. 

    If these people were properly hosting they would at minimum pay for everyone involved in the rehearsal plus their SO's. Assuming the sides are even to some point in the OP's situation that's the potential for 7 BM's + SO's, 7 GM's + SO's, readers + SO's, any child attendants + their parents, then parents on both sides, officiant, bride, and groom.  Then many hosts want to invite out of town guests or other family members on top of that. 

    It can end up being a lot of people.  So guess what happens?  The bad/cheap hosts say "What???  We don't want to pay for dinner for 40 people we don't know" and the SO's are cut to make room for Aunt Sally and Uncle Bob who the family hasn't talked to in five years. It's terrible. 

    OP it's quite possibly true that the future in laws are the ones making the decision to not host SO's. However the bride DOES have more control than she realizes and instead of rolling over and taking it should either 1) stand up to them and insist SO's are included, 2) insist they THEY make cuts from their list to accommodate SO's (if "extra" people are on the guest list), 3) pay herself to include them, or 4) cancel the rehearsal which eliminates the need for a rehearsal dinner.

    This bad decision is making everyone look bad and it's best all around if they fix the situation and try and save some face.  As the bride I would be concerned what other type of crap these people would pull after I was married. 

    ETA - is the same thing happening on the groom's side where the SO's of the guys are being snubbed too?

    Sorry this is long and that the format sucks.

    ***** sorry to sound somewhat stereotypical in my estimate. I know sides aren't always even, and there can be blended families, step parents, same sex couples, etc. was just trying to show how things add up quickly.
    No, these are the issues you run into when ppl choose to be cheap assholes.

    We aren't having any of these issues and we have 21ppl in the WP including ourselves.  Our RD will have about 50ppl in attendance, and we were fully prepared to host all of them ourselves.  If it was a pizza party with beer and wine, so be it!  It still would have been fun and everyone would have been hosted.

    You don't have to have your RD at a fancy restaurant.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • edited August 2014
    MGP said:
    JBee85 said:
    Well, I am standing my ground but I am unsure now as more information unfolds. A couple more of the bridesmaids, including the MOH jumped on me over my reason. It turns out that the bride was not in charge of the RD plans- the payment and arrangements were being handled by her fiance's parents and it was THEM who made the call of not allowing the bridal party to bring their SOs. She is starting to say that she had no control over inviting Significant Others of the bridal party because of this. 

    The MOH (who is also a bridesmaid in my wedding party) is also telling me to suck it up because "It is her wedding and she has every right to make this decision without question" and that "there is no disrespect here, it's just a difficult decision based on # of attendants and costs."
    LURKERS TAKE NOTE - these are the kind of peripheral issues you run into by selecting a large wedding party. Sure, you may be fine with taking on the expense of the bouquets and gifts, but if someone else hosts the rehearsal dinner this is the kind of crap that happens. 

    If these people were properly hosting they would at minimum pay for everyone involved in the rehearsal plus their SO's. Assuming the sides are even to some point in the OP's situation that's the potential for 7 BM's + SO's, 7 GM's + SO's, readers + SO's, any child attendants + their parents, then parents on both sides, officiant, bride, and groom.  Then many hosts want to invite out of town guests or other family members on top of that. 

    It can end up being a lot of people.  So guess what happens?  The bad/cheap hosts say "What???  We don't want to pay for dinner for 40 people we don't know" and the SO's are cut to make room for Aunt Sally and Uncle Bob who the family hasn't talked to in five years. It's terrible. 

    OP it's quite possibly true that the future in laws are the ones making the decision to not host SO's. However the bride DOES have more control than she realizes and instead of rolling over and taking it should either 1) stand up to them and insist SO's are included, 2) insist they THEY make cuts from their list to accommodate SO's (if "extra" people are on the guest list), 3) pay herself to include them, or 4) cancel the rehearsal which eliminates the need for a rehearsal dinner.

    This bad decision is making everyone look bad and it's best all around if they fix the situation and try and save some face.  As the bride I would be concerned what other type of crap these people would pull after I was married. 

    ETA - is the same thing happening on the groom's side where the SO's of the guys are being snubbed too?

    Sorry this is long and that the format sucks.

    ***** sorry to sound somewhat stereotypical in my estimate. I know sides aren't always even, and there can be blended families, step parents, same sex couples, etc. was just trying to show how things add up quickly.
    No, these are the issues you run into when ppl choose to be cheap assholes.

    We aren't having any of these issues and we have 21ppl in the WP including ourselves. Our RD will have about 50ppl in attendance, and we were fully prepared to host all of them ourselves.  If it was a pizza party with beer and wine, so be it!  It still would have been fun and everyone would have been hosted.

    You don't have to have your RD at a fancy restaurant.

    Edit because TK glitched.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • MGP said:
    JBee85 said:
    Well, I am standing my ground but I am unsure now as more information unfolds. A couple more of the bridesmaids, including the MOH jumped on me over my reason. It turns out that the bride was not in charge of the RD plans- the payment and arrangements were being handled by her fiance's parents and it was THEM who made the call of not allowing the bridal party to bring their SOs. She is starting to say that she had no control over inviting Significant Others of the bridal party because of this. 

    The MOH (who is also a bridesmaid in my wedding party) is also telling me to suck it up because "It is her wedding and she has every right to make this decision without question" and that "there is no disrespect here, it's just a difficult decision based on # of attendants and costs."
    LURKERS TAKE NOTE - these are the kind of peripheral issues you run into by selecting a large wedding party. Sure, you may be fine with taking on the expense of the bouquets and gifts, but if someone else hosts the rehearsal dinner this is the kind of crap that happens. 

    If these people were properly hosting they would at minimum pay for everyone involved in the rehearsal plus their SO's. Assuming the sides are even to some point in the OP's situation that's the potential for 7 BM's + SO's, 7 GM's + SO's, readers + SO's, any child attendants + their parents, then parents on both sides, officiant, bride, and groom.  Then many hosts want to invite out of town guests or other family members on top of that. 

    It can end up being a lot of people.  So guess what happens?  The bad/cheap hosts say "What???  We don't want to pay for dinner for 40 people we don't know" and the SO's are cut to make room for Aunt Sally and Uncle Bob who the family hasn't talked to in five years. It's terrible. 

    OP it's quite possibly true that the future in laws are the ones making the decision to not host SO's. However the bride DOES have more control than she realizes and instead of rolling over and taking it should either 1) stand up to them and insist SO's are included, 2) insist they THEY make cuts from their list to accommodate SO's (if "extra" people are on the guest list), 3) pay herself to include them, or 4) cancel the rehearsal which eliminates the need for a rehearsal dinner.

    This bad decision is making everyone look bad and it's best all around if they fix the situation and try and save some face.  As the bride I would be concerned what other type of crap these people would pull after I was married. 

    ETA - is the same thing happening on the groom's side where the SO's of the guys are being snubbed too?

    Sorry this is long and that the format sucks.

    ***** sorry to sound somewhat stereotypical in my estimate. I know sides aren't always even, and there can be blended families, step parents, same sex couples, etc. was just trying to show how things add up quickly.
    No, these are the issues you run into when ppl choose to be cheap assholes.

    We aren't having any of these issues and we have 21ppl in the WP including ourselves. Our RD will have about 50ppl in attendance, and we were fully prepared to host all of them ourselves.  If it was a pizza party with beer and wine, so be it!  It still would have been fun and everyone would have been hosted.

    You don't have to have your RD at a fancy restaurant.

    Edit because TK glitched.
    and do not know how to  plan.

    I  had a large WP, I had an welcome reception with over 100 people in attendance.   It cost us about $1k.    We had an open house, full bar and food.  It started after 8pm so a lot of people already ate dinner.  There was enough food for those who just got to town and had not eaten yet.     The bar was partially stocked with items from my parent's liquor cabinet.   The rest we bought.   Plates, napkins, sodas and water were bought on sale from Cost-co. 

    It might take a little more planning, but you can host people on a budget.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • MGPMGP member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    MGP said:
    LURKERS TAKE NOTE - these are the kind of peripheral issues you run into by selecting a large wedding party. Sure, you may be fine with taking on the expense of the bouquets and gifts, but if someone else hosts the rehearsal dinner this is the kind of crap that happens. 
    No, these are the issues you run into when ppl choose to be cheap assholes.

    We aren't having any of these issues and we have 21ppl in the WP including ourselves.  Our RD will have about 50ppl in attendance, and we were fully prepared to host all of them ourselves.  If it was a pizza party with beer and wine, so be it!  It still would have been fun and everyone would have been hosted.

    You don't have to have your RD at a fancy restaurant.
    What I meant was that by choosing a large wedding party you are by default creating a large guest list for the RD.  Which is fine if you are willing to fund it yourself, or if someone else is hosting make it very clear from the get go that these people must be invited or you will decline the offer and/or be OK if the host withdraws the offer after setting those expectations. 

    Sometimes I don't think brides have that foresight and when you add cheap assholes into the mix you get the OP's situation. 
  • Another update: I couldn't say anything else to the bride until I got approval to take off from my 2 grad classes that were on Thursday. I got the approval very late and had to go to bed right after class (I work full time and have two night classes back to back for 4 hours). I had to work full time today and called the bride to confirm the Rehearsal. When I asked about the dinner she admitted to B listing me. She was like well if you change your mind I cannot have you come because I had to tell the restaurant how many people were coming. Then she had the nerve to call me "selfish" and "immature" for not coming to the dinner.

    My friendship is on the rocks. I'm not even if she will want to be in my wedding after all this. So disappointed. I'm not even sure if I did the right thing here.
  • You did the right thing. You stood up for something that you believed in, and your friend showed her true colors.
  • edited August 2014
    Send her an e-mail/facebook message with a link to this thread :).

    Well... maybe not if you really don't want to end the friendship, but that's what I'd do.  It kills me that she does not realize how tacky and in the wrong she is here.

    You did the right thing 100%.
  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited August 2014
    Wait, are you not invited to the rehearsal dinner now? I wouldn't show up for the rehearsal either, that is ridiculous.

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  • JBee85JBee85 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited August 2014
    @Time2strtliving: so since another bridesmaid and I dropped out of the wedding, I think she told the other bridesmaids who couldn't bring their SOs to bring them as "replacements." I am not sure, but she mentioned that my space was "filled," meaning I got B listed.
    @themosthappy91 I was SOOOO tempted to show this thread to her and the other bridesmaids. However I don't think it would change a thing. Plus I want to stay anonymous. But if she finds this thread, it's at a moot point.

    I am unsure about my friendship. I don't have a lot of friends either because I keep moving around from state to state over a year due to unstable employment. The bride and I have been friends for 12 years. It's why I came here to see if I was overreacting or if I truly needed to stand my ground no matter who thought who was being a bitch. I just want to get this shit over with. My mom thinks I'm the one being the bitch because I am placing unnecessary drama on the bride a week before her wedding and that I'm not being a good friend either. IDC though...
  • MobKaz said:
    JBee85 said:
    @Time2strtliving: so since another bridesmaid and I dropped out of the wedding, I think she told the other bridesmaids who couldn't bring their SOs to bring them as "replacements." I am not sure, but she mentioned that my space was "filled," meaning I got B listed.
    @themosthappy91 I was SOOOO tempted to show this thread to her and the other bridesmaids. However I don't think it would change a thing. Plus I want to stay anonymous. But if she finds this thread, it's at a moot point.

    I am unsure about my friendship. I don't have a lot of friends either because I keep moving around from state to state over a year due to unstable employment. The bride and I have been friends for 12 years. It's why I came here to see if I was overreacting or if I truly needed to stand my ground no matter who thought who was being a bitch. I just want to get this shit over with. My mom thinks I'm the one being the bitch because I am placing unnecessary drama on the bride a week before her wedding and that I'm not being a good friend either. IDC though...
    Your friend placed the value of your 12 year friendship on par with the cost of one dinner.  I have known others who have lost "friendships" over less.  Your friend had choices as well.  You need to see that.  This was not a one way road.
    Weddings tend to bring out the worst in people, or cause people to show their true colours. My sister destroyed our relationship over BM attire that was way beyond my budget and comfort level. She wanted her perfect Pinterest pictures no matter what so I was forced out of the WP. 

    Anniversary
  • I agree with another PP. Weddings bring out the crazies.  I had lost so many people over my wedding, but it's better to know who your friends are, and who are the phonies.
        I had no idea about wedding etiquette for the RD, regarding SOs (Wasn't sure if it was an exclusive WP event.... wasn't very wedding savvy).  I came here and asked. I didn't know if anyone, besides us, was paying for the RD, and if that would change anything about the guest list. If you don't know about etiquette, you ask. If someone else hosts your RD and disregards etiquette, you decline their help, and pay for the RD yourself to properly host your WP. I agree with everyone else. Why must others celebrate this couple's union when they are being disrespectful to the relationships of their dearest friends? Baffling. 
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