Should SHE get invited?

stephisawes0me

Should my old best friend get invited to the wedding even though we currently aren't speaking?

The backstory:
My best friend from high school - we'll call her Marie - and I always had a very... tumultuous relationship. I went away for college and she did not, and remained friends and would hang out when I would come home, but we grew apart. In the last few years, she has made some disappointing life choices and we've grown further apart, although I've tried to remain in touch. We've seen each other just a few times a year - birthdays, Christmas, etc.

When I got engaged in January, it had been several months since I had heard from her last and I tried to get in touch to let her know. Turns out she had changed her number and not told me (got rid of her personal phone and just used a work phone). Reason could be chalked up to aforementioned poor life choices. I got her new number from her sister and texted her to tell her and I got a "Congratulations!" via text but not much else. A few months later I found out that she unfriended me on Facebook because I invited 2 friends over and didn't invite her (her and these other friends have a longstanding beef).

After this, it was clear to me that I could not ask her to be a bridesmaid, but because of our decade-long friendship I decided to ask her to be a reader at the wedding. When she received my nice card asking her, she contacted me on Facebook and admitted to unfriending me and apologized for being a bad friend due to personal issues, depression, etc (for which I do sympathize). She did not give me an answer to my "reader" request at that time. A few weeks later, my parents hosted an engagement party to which we only invited family and the wedding party and, upon realizing she wasn't invited, Marie once again unfriended me on Facebook and sent me a message saying that she could not "be a part" of my wedding.

I ran into her at a mutual friend's wedding in June and told her that I would be disappointed if she wasn't part of my wedding, to which she, totally baked (see *life choices*) asked me "why?" I tried to explain that even though we're no longer "BFFs" her friendship is still important to me. We hugged and parted our ways that night and she made no further moves to try to be friends.

TLDR: Old best friend has distanced herself from me and declined to be a reader at my wedding.

I'm getting ready to send my Save the Dates. Does she get one? Should I just give up?

BrandNewJ

If you don't invite her the friendship will more than likely be done forever. If you don't mind that then don't invite her. Just don't make a production out of not inviting her by telling her specifically she isn't invited and why. On a different note, she seems like she may actually need help. This behavior seems really unbalanced. Have you tried talking to her about her life, do you care to talk to her about her life? Might be a good idea. Good luck!

stephisawes0me

@BrandNewJ thanks for the advice. I know that if I don't invite her, that's probably it for us. Would be really sad, but I feel like I keep trying to reach out and nothing...

About talking to her... I tried for a while and tried to advise her to get out of bad situations, but she doesn't listen to me. I think she has just pushed everyone away... it's really sad and that's a lot of the reason we drifted apart because it was so hard to watch her spiral . I could probably try again to reconnect...

afox007

It seems like she feels a little left out and like you have left her behind, especially since she unfriends you every time she isn't invited to something. Maybe invite her for just some quality time with just the two of you? You don't need to send a STD to everyone so depending on how things go between the two of you from now until your invites go out revisit if you still want her their. Like PP said if you don't invite her that will most likely be the final end of the friendship.

On an unrelated note I love your I Love Lucy siggy pics! I had the one of them kissing on my wall in high school!

steph861

I'd invite her, knowing that she probably won't come. At least then you've made it known that you don't want the friendship to end.

I second @BrandNewJ's concerns about your friend's well-being. People deal with depression in all sorts of ways, some of which are unhealthy and self-destructive. To an outsider, those coping mechanisms could look like "poor life choices."

If you're comfortable doing so, it might be a good idea to reach out to her and offer support.

penguin44

I would wait to decide until invites go out. You still have 8 months to go. A lot could change. 

I know what you mean about your friendship. I have had some friendships that have ended similar to what you describe. 

zitiqueen

stephisawes0me said:

Should my old best friend get invited to the wedding even though we currently aren't speaking?

The backstory:
My best friend from high school - we'll call her Marie - and I always had a very... tumultuous relationship. I went away for college and she did not, and remained friends and would hang out when I would come home, but we grew apart. In the last few years, she has made some disappointing life choices and we've grown further apart, although I've tried to remain in touch. We've seen each other just a few times a year - birthdays, Christmas, etc.

When I got engaged in January, it had been several months since I had heard from her last and I tried to get in touch to let her know. Turns out she had changed her number and not told me (got rid of her personal phone and just used a work phone). Reason could be chalked up to aforementioned poor life choices. I got her new number from her sister and texted her to tell her and I got a "Congratulations!" via text but not much else. A few months later I found out that she unfriended me on Facebook because I invited 2 friends over and didn't invite her (her and these other friends have a longstanding beef).

After this, it was clear to me that I could not ask her to be a bridesmaid, but because of our decade-long friendship I decided to ask her to be a reader at the wedding. When she received my nice card asking her, she contacted me on Facebook and admitted to unfriending me and apologized for being a bad friend due to personal issues, depression, etc (for which I do sympathize). She did not give me an answer to my "reader" request at that time. A few weeks later, my parents hosted an engagement party to which we only invited family and the wedding party and, upon realizing she wasn't invited, Marie once again unfriended me on Facebook and sent me a message saying that she could not "be a part" of my wedding.

I ran into her at a mutual friend's wedding in June and told her that I would be disappointed if she wasn't part of my wedding, to which she, totally baked (see *life choices*) asked me "why?" I tried to explain that even though we're no longer "BFFs" her friendship is still important to me. We hugged and parted our ways that night and she made no further moves to try to be friends.

TLDR: Old best friend has distanced herself from me and declined to be a reader at my wedding.

I'm getting ready to send my Save the Dates. Does she get one? Should I just give up?

Why didn't you flat-out ask her when she acknowledged receiving your invitation to be a part of the wedding whether or not she was going to be a reader? That would have saved a lot of unnecessary  drama. Plus, it was kind of a douche move on your part to not invite her to the engagement party; being a reader makes her part of the wedding.

BrandNewJ

If she's ignoring you, not listening and pushing you out, I would say that's your answer. She has decided to end the friendship and not inviting her would be perfectly fine. You just may have to deal with crazy repercussions once she finds out she's not invited. Then again, you have have to deal with some crazy repercussions once she finds out she is invited! Lol. I wonder why she hasn't responded to your request to be a reader though.

wandajune6

I agree with the PPs. I would be the bigger person and invite her. Put the ball in her court.

stephisawes0me

zitiqueen said:

Why didn't you flat-out ask her when she acknowledged receiving your invitation to be a part of the wedding whether or not she was going to be a reader? That would have saved a lot of unnecessary drama. Plus, it was kind of a douche move on your part to not invite her to the engagement party; being a reader makes her part of the wedding.

I didn't ask her when she contacted me because there were so many other things we were talking about - like misunderstandings of the past - that it didn't really occur to me until later. I actually had wanted to invite her to the engagement party, but considering how she has treated me in the past, my parents and fiance urged me not to.

stephisawes0me

@afox007 Thanks about the Lucy pics! Love her

I know she did feel left out... I feel like in the past I tried to put myself out there and reach out to her only to be disappointed so I probably did stop including her.

@steph11814@afox007 You're right that I probably should try to reach out to see her one on one and see how that goes. I feel like I may get a lot of shade from my parents and FI though because at this point they think I need to move on.

stephisawes0me

penguin44 Sometimes I just don't know when it's time to cut your losses when it comes to friends. It's hard to see a friendship end, especially when it's gone on so long.

stephisawes0me

BrandNewJ said:

If she's ignoring you, not listening and pushing you out, I would say that's your answer. She has decided to end the friendship and not inviting her would be perfectly fine. You just may have to deal with crazy repercussions once she finds out she's not invited. Then again, you have have to deal with some crazy repercussions once she finds out she is invited! Lol. I wonder why she hasn't responded to your request to be a reader though.

Yeah, there's definitely going to be crazy either way. I think it's unavoidable when it comes to Marie. Ha! She did eventually respond to my reader request - when she found out she wasn't invited to the engagement party. "Hey I just wanted to let you know I won't be able to be a part of your wedding, good luck Steph!"

bethsmiles

I think it depends on how much more energy you are willing to pour into this relationship. Sometimes we grow apart from people we were close to and friendships fade. It honestly sounds like this is one that should have faded awhile ago but you are still trying to hang on to it.

From your post it sounds like you are doing all the reaching out, all the apologizing, all of the trying to make amends. That's not friendship.

You have awhile before your wedding so you have time to make a decision. Don't send her a STD (you should only send those to people you 100% want there) but don't rule anything out, the friendship could reignite between now and when invites go out, but if it's still like this I wouldn't send an invite and I wouldn't keep making an effort.

The only hesitation I have with this advice is that by asking her to be a reader, you have extended a verbal invitation to her so it could be rude to not send her an invite.

huskypuppy14

bethsmiles said:

I think it depends on how much more energy you are willing to pour into this relationship. Sometimes we grow apart from people we were close to and friendships fade. It honestly sounds like this is one that should have faded awhile ago but you are still trying to hang on to it.

From your post it sounds like you are doing all the reaching out, all the apologizing, all of the trying to make amends. That's not friendship.

You have awhile before your wedding so you have time to make a decision. Don't send her a STD (you should only send those to people you 100% want there) but don't rule anything out, the friendship could reignite between now and when invites go out, but if it's still like this I wouldn't send an invite and I wouldn't keep making an effort.

The only hesitation I have with this advice is that by asking her to be a reader, you have extended a verbal invitation to her so it could be rude to not send her an invite.

Yes to the bolded.

CMGragain

You didn't ask if you should invite her to the wedding.  You asked if you should send her an STD.

The answer is "No."  STDs are optional.  Once you send her one, you must invite her.  If you decide that you do want to invite her to your wedding, you can make that decision later, UNLESS you send her an STD now.  Then you must invite her.

I do not understand why it is important to you to have her involved in your ceremony if she ios no longer actively part of your life.

zitiqueen

stephisawes0me said:

zitiqueen said:

Why didn't you flat-out ask her when she acknowledged receiving your invitation to be a part of the wedding whether or not she was going to be a reader? That would have saved a lot of unnecessary drama. Plus, it was kind of a douche move on your part to not invite her to the engagement party; being a reader makes her part of the wedding.

I didn't ask her when she contacted me because there were so many other things we were talking about - like misunderstandings of the past - that it didn't really occur to me until later. I actually had wanted to invite her to the engagement party, but considering how she has treated me in the past, my parents and fiance urged me not to.

Okay, then why didn't you pick up the phone "later" when you realized she hadn't answered to ask her if she was going to be a reader? Did your parents and FI urge you not to do that too? Sounds like they do a lot of your thinking and decision-making for you. Honestly, half of the responsibility for this drama rests squarely on your shoulders. Just pick up the damn phone and ask her.

larrygaga

You gotta put the wedding on the backburner and find out if your friend is okay. Maybe she don't wanna talk to you because all you talk/care about is your wedding? Maybe she wouldn't be "honored" by a job at your wedding? Just invite her and maybe even ask her about herself and her life. 

It sounds like you are more successful than her, so giving her advice (aka telling her what to do) might come off as condescending and obnoxious. 

emmaaa

I would just put this on hold for now. As some have pointed out, an STD is not required. You can just wait until invitations go out to make this decision.

It seems like neither of you are very committed to the friendship and it may be that your just grew apart. Not inviting her will possibly put the final nail in the coffin and end that friendship. If that is okay with you, then you don't have to invited her.