I QUIT BEING THE ADULT CHILD!!!!!!!

afox007

chasseuse

I'm sorry. The whole situation is terrible. I have no advice, but I'll pray for you and your family. Hang in there.

LDay2014

ugh, that's terrible..what a horrible thing to burden your child with!!!!!

I have to admit though, it's admirable that your dad wants to shield kids that aren't his.  That he doesn't want to disrupt their lives and give them stability is a very sweet gesture - even if it's at his own expense.  But it's not healthy for anyone in that household to be living in that situation so I'm with you that he needs to GET OUT.

Sigh, I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.  Hopefully your therapist will have some suggestions on how to deal with it moving forward.

I can't imagine as a parent how it would feel to have my kids hate me and have no respect for me.  UGH.  It's just so STUPID!

RebeccaFlower

Does she act like the younger two are his? Wow. I am so sad for your family. Good for you for doing what you can to be a rock for your other siblings.

ShellD13

Oh I'm sorry that you are facing this with your family. I don't have any advice but I will be praying for you all.

climbingsingle

I'm so sorry. What a terrible situation. 

blabla89

I'm so sorry. That is an awful situation. Sending lots of hugs and prayers for you and your family.

emmaaa

Gosh, this is a terrible situation and so sad that you were put in the middle of it to begin wtih, 

Senecaf

Oh that is terrible. I'm sorry

JCbride2015

Wow, that sounds really awful to deal with.  I'm sorry!  

afox007

Does she act like the younger two are his? Wow. I am so sad for your family. Good for you for doing what you can to be a rock for your other siblings.

afox007

bethsmiles

Oh wow. I have no advice, that is just horrible.

levioosa

afox007 said:

Just talked to one of my sisters who decided to corner my mom about all of this. My mom actually admited she has cheated and its all OUR fault. If we actually wanted her around and loved her she wouldn't ever have done it. The problem is she wasn't really around to want even before the cheating. I spent almost every night babysitting since I was 9 or 10.

Wow, that is so messed up.  I know it sucks to be the "adult" but at least you can be a rock and voice of reason for your younger siblings.  Hearing something like that from a parent can really mess you up, so it's a good thing you are there for them.  You know better, and you will be able to be there (in a way you always have) in ways that your mother never will.  

afox007

 

afox007

.

hellosweetie1015

afox007 said:

Update-My sister is texting me that our 17 year old sister took off because she couldn't be in the house with my mom for 5 more minutes. My mom is currently begging the sister that stayed home to just drop it and give her a second chance to be the wife and mother she should be. Lil sis told her that you don't get second chances for destroying a family. Both girls are still debating if we should tell dad. The only thing that has been decided is if we do it should come from me. I guess now I kind of need advice. He always finds out anyways so should we tell him? I know it's going to be a shit show either way. The girls already plan to pack up everyone and camp out at my place for a few days when the fighting starts.

When I was 21, my dad called me from a courthouse in another state. He was in child support court for about 10-12 years of back child support for my (younger) half-brother, and he wasn't sure what the outcome would be. He told me that if it went "bad" I needed to go home, get the keys to his truck, and have someone drive his truck home. It was a four hour trip one-way. I called everyone I knew to call to see if I could find someone who could drive his stick-shift, and wound up calling the ex I had JUST broken up with. We left about 6:30 PM, got to my parents' house at 8:30 - approximately thirty minute before my mom got home from my brother's baseball game - and turned around and headed back out. We found his truck, discovered his ass was in jail, that it would take over 16K to get him out, and turned back around. I got to my parents' house with my dad's truck at about 1:30 AM. 

She had no idea where he'd gone and had been frantically calling his cell phone, which was in the jail's impound. He did not tell her, and had no intentions to. With my ex downstairs, entertaining my then-15 and 12 year old sisters, I explained to my 18-year-old brother why his dad had missed his baseball game, which had literally never happened before. I told my mom everything I had found out.

Granted, my mom knew about the half-brother's existence, but she thought that part of their relationship was over and done with.

With that in mind, I think you should tell him - but I also think you should be VERY cautious with the timing. (1:30 AM on a work night? Not the best plan if you have another option.)

And to the bolded: That is the single best thing possible, I think. Is the little one coming as well? What about school? If I could have taken my siblings back with me when my dad finally came home, I would have. 

ETF time period. I mixed up round-trip and one-way. Dummkopf.

afox007

theartistformerlyknownas

What a fucked up situation. Your siblings are so lucky to have you.

hellosweetie1015

afox007 said:

@CaitTDid23‌ I definitely agree about the timing. As far as the kids coming it would be all 4 girls, most likely just for a night or two. Luckily the 17 year old has her own car and I'm only half an hour from their school. The older two girls asked if it was ok to come to me because my parents fighting always gets scary. When I lived at home I used to drag all the kids into my room, pile them into bed, lock the door, and blare music to drown out the screaming. They pointed out unlike then they have somewhere to run to.

For which they will always be thankful. Hell, I'm thankful for them. Parents fighting is always scary. It's absolutely wonderful that they have you there for them, and close enough that school is a non-issue, at least short term. A couple nights away will do wonders for them.

In your talk, I might consider raising the point that - if he wants - he could probably get custody of all the minor children, whether or not they're his, in a divorce proceeding. If they're married, typically paternity is considered "established" rather than having to be adjudicated (although adultery being alleged may cause the Court to order a paternity test, so I dunno. DISCLAIMER I AM NOT A LAWYER DISCLAIMER). I know that divorce sucks and it's awful, but - with your parents and mine, too, frankly - sometimes even though it's awful it's in the kids' best interest to end it if it can be ended semi-amicably. (I.E. not in a fight that drags on for years on years on years on end.)

afox007

levioosa

I am so sorry you are dealing with this.  I think it best that the girls come stay with you for a few days.  It will be much better for them mentally, emotionally and physically to be with someone who is stable than to be in a tumultuous household where they may overhear things that they shouldn't.  It's obvious your Dad loves them as his own children, but what if the point comes up that they're not his?  Talk about some damage.  I wouldn't be surprised that since the cat is now out of the bag he demands a divorce.  

Just take things one day at a time, be there for your sisters, and provide the stability they need.  I'd say a girls movie night with pizza is in order.  Let your parents scream it out from a distance.  If you need to vent, come here or talk to a good friend.  Being the only adult "adult" sucks.  Even though your sisters will be looking at how your parents are acting, they will also be taking cues from how you respond as well.  Since you are the one that practically raised them, loves them unconditionally, and are stable, how you act carries way more weight than your crazy mother.  

afox007

.

hellosweetie1015

This is just awful all around. 

The way I would do it (not saying this is how you should necessarily) would be to have the girls come over Friday night, since this weekend is a long weekend (in the US), and arrange a time sometime Friday to sit down with your dad without any of them there. Then, keep them all weekend and send them back to school on Tuesday. 

I would also ask the oldest (the 17yo?) if she would mind being your "eyes" - if your parents get too intense, or if the little girls are upset, ask her to let you know that they're coming to your house for the night. If you're able to provide even a little stability and a safe place, then it will make everything easier.

I would also let your dad know that you will support him in whatever choice he makes re: your mom. If he's a step-dad, he may feel like you might side with your mother - blood over water, you know - and be afraid to lose his relationship with you. Not saying that IS the case, but it is a POSSIBLE case.

Hugs and love to you and your sisters. 

afox007

 

steph861

I have no advice, just hugs.

afox007

NYCMercedes

Good luck and God bless you all.

raissyrais

awww I'm so sorry with all you're going through! I hope you feel better soon and good luck with everything

theartistformerlyknownas

Well, if he's really clueless and not in denial, he'll be better of hearing from someone who loves him. Know how my dad found out? He had a nightmare that my mom was cheating on him. Woke up in a cold sweat, crying and shaking. Mom, startled awake, asked what was wrong. Still half asleep, Dad asked "how could you do it? How could you leave me?!" Mom replied "well how did you find out?"

That woke him up. He was outta there the next day.

hellosweetie1015

lolo883 said:

Well, if he's really clueless and not in denial, he'll be better of hearing from someone who loves him. Know how my dad found out? He had a nightmare that my mom was cheating on him. Woke up in a cold sweat, crying and shaking. Mom, startled awake, asked what was wrong. Still half asleep, Dad asked "how could you do it? How could you leave me?!" Mom replied "well how did you find out?" That woke him up. He was outta there the next day.

This. X10000000000000000000000000000000000000 this. 

Would going on the camping trip help? Like, if you ALL went, and Mommy Dearest stayed well away?

Also - I saw where you quoted me. I am SO glad knowing that he knows you won't stick with mom just cus she's blood. (I mean, I figured as much from your PPs, but I though it would be worth mentioning JIC.)