Suprise Wedding--does anyone do this?

ilovecake84

My cousin had a surprise wedding. Just immediate family, siblings and parents.

They had told their family they had won a 50/50 draw and therefore wanted to take everyone out for lunch at a very upscale restaurant. It was arranged about a month in advance and since there were so few people, very unlikely the family wouldn't show up. Although the bride's dad was late...

Normally our entire family is invited to big events like this, but I thought this was very nice for them. They had a large party a month later to celebrate with everyone else. It was very informal, definitely not a PPD and very well hosted. I had a lot of fun at the party

futuremrsr2015

aurianna said:

samanthab90 said:

I was talking to someone a few weeks ago about her daughter's wedding. She said that the stress had gotten to her and so they were turning their Stag and Doe into a wedding but weren't going to tell anyone about it. Now don't get me wrong I have no issue with a Stag and Doe but I would be pretty miffed if I went and it turned out to be your wedding that I just had to buy a ticket for. Has anyone heard of this before?

I don't get it.
Your friend should cancel the stag & doe (cuz yuck!) and then just do one of the following:

1. Hire a wedding planner to take care of the rest of the wedding so there will be no "stress" on her.

2. Elope / cancel wedding and just have private event with immediate family. Send out notices that the wedding will not be taking place as planned. Cancel all pre-wedding events (err.. cancel the stag & doe regardless). Return gifts sent by those not invited to the wedding. Cancel everything else. Done.

3. Just live with it for a few extra weeks and get married as planned. I really don't see how getting married at the Stag & Doe (yuck) will be much less stressful. And so tacky.

  I later found out that everything was cancelled and they are no longer together.  

beethery

samanthab90 said:

aurianna said:

samanthab90 said:

I was talking to someone a few weeks ago about her daughter's wedding. She said that the stress had gotten to her and so they were turning their Stag and Doe into a wedding but weren't going to tell anyone about it. Now don't get me wrong I have no issue with a Stag and Doe but I would be pretty miffed if I went and it turned out to be your wedding that I just had to buy a ticket for. Has anyone heard of this before?

I don't get it.
Your friend should cancel the stag & doe (cuz yuck!) and then just do one of the following:

1. Hire a wedding planner to take care of the rest of the wedding so there will be no "stress" on her.

2. Elope / cancel wedding and just have private event with immediate family. Send out notices that the wedding will not be taking place as planned. Cancel all pre-wedding events (err.. cancel the stag & doe regardless). Return gifts sent by those not invited to the wedding. Cancel everything else. Done.

3. Just live with it for a few extra weeks and get married as planned. I really don't see how getting married at the Stag & Doe (yuck) will be much less stressful. And so tacky.

  I later found out that everything was cancelled and they are no longer together.  

WOW. Well damn!

slothiegal

samanthab90 said:

aurianna said:

samanthab90 said:

I was talking to someone a few weeks ago about her daughter's wedding. She said that the stress had gotten to her and so they were turning their Stag and Doe into a wedding but weren't going to tell anyone about it. Now don't get me wrong I have no issue with a Stag and Doe but I would be pretty miffed if I went and it turned out to be your wedding that I just had to buy a ticket for. Has anyone heard of this before?

I don't get it.
Your friend should cancel the stag & doe (cuz yuck!) and then just do one of the following:

1. Hire a wedding planner to take care of the rest of the wedding so there will be no "stress" on her.

2. Elope / cancel wedding and just have private event with immediate family. Send out notices that the wedding will not be taking place as planned. Cancel all pre-wedding events (err.. cancel the stag & doe regardless). Return gifts sent by those not invited to the wedding. Cancel everything else. Done.

3. Just live with it for a few extra weeks and get married as planned. I really don't see how getting married at the Stag & Doe (yuck) will be much less stressful. And so tacky.

  I later found out that everything was cancelled and they are no longer together.  

....oh.  Well then.

banana468

Well, it sounds like they had a lot of issues!

The only way I can see a surprise wedding working is if it's a well-planned event and all the invited guests would be just as excited to attend regardless.   I'd be really upset if I declined a Labor Day BBQ and found out that it was actually a wedding. 

short+sassy

I saw something on tv, maybe the news (my details are hazy), where a returning soldier planned a surprise wedding for his...wait for it...FIANCE!  Of course, all the guests were in on it.  The bride showed up to a park with her mom and there were all the guests and deocrations and an altar with him standing at it.  The woman had already purchased her wedding dress and the mom had secretly put it in her car.  The bride and her mom then briefly left for the bride to change into her dress and then they showed back up for the ceremony.

REALLY not my cup of tea...but the bride seemed really excited and was insanely crying out of joy the whole time.  So I guess all's well that ends well. 

beethery

@short+sassy I can not get into the surprise wedding where one person of the couple is being surprised by the wedding.

They did something like on GMA or the Today show or something a while back and it just disturbed my spirit because the bride had very little input and had all of it thrown at her in one day. It was kinda nuts.

thisismynickname2

Stag and Doe: Nope.

To the question about surprise weddings in general:  it's incredibly unpopular here on TK. However, I know one person who did it, a coworker. They planned an all-out engagement party at an upscale hotel and 100 people attended. Surprise! She changed into a dress and had a ceremony! (They turned the engagement party into the wedding in part because of all the extended family pressure to have a massive shindig they didn't want, at all. Only the couple's parents were in on the plan.) 

Apparently it went over well, frankly.  I don't see it as much different than eloping, to be honest, meaning that you risk people not being there and ticking them off. My opinion is in the minority.   

luckysnorkel

What about just a surprise reception?  My aunt & uncle had a small ceremony with immediate family only, and later that night they threw a big party at their house during which they announced their marriage.  It was a total blast, and there was no element of "aw shit, I thought this was just a BBQ but Jane's in a wedding dress..."

theartistformerlyknownas

short+sassy said:

I saw something on tv, maybe the news (my details are hazy), where a returning soldier planned a surprise wedding for his...wait for it...FIANCE!  Of course, all the guests were in on it.  The bride showed up to a park with her mom and there were all the guests and deocrations and an altar with him standing at it.  The woman had already purchased her wedding dress and the mom had secretly put it in her car.  The bride and her mom then briefly left for the bride to change into her dress and then they showed back up for the ceremony.

REALLY not my cup of tea...but the bride seemed really excited and was insanely crying out of joy the whole time.  So I guess all's well that ends well. 

Oh HELL no. If my FI tried to spring a surprise wedding on me in place of what I've been putting so much thought into, it would quickly turn into a surprise funeral.

slothiegal

thisismynickname said: Stag and Doe: Nope.To the question about surprise weddings in general:  it's incredibly unpopular here on TK. However, I know one person who did it, a coworker. They planned an all-out engagement party at an upscale hotel and 100 people attended. Surprise! She changed into a dress and had a ceremony! (They turned the engagement party into the wedding in part because of all the extended family pressure to have a massive shindig they didn't want, at all. Only the couple's parents were in on the plan.)  Apparently it went over well, frankly.  I don't see it as much different than eloping, to be honest, meaning that you risk people not being there and ticking them off. My opinion is in the minority.   
SIB
I guess my problem with it is that it's incredibly unfair to your guests and your loved ones.  For my best friend, I would move heaven and earth to be at her wedding, even though we're thousands of miles apart.  An engagement party?  Yeah, not so much.  To find out that I missed her wedding (which had already been announced as public event aka NOT an elopment) because I couldn't come to a party? 

I would be devastated.  And pissed.

ETA boxes why?

katiebelle2882

I'm new to this but what is wrong with a Stag and Doe party? We aren't doing either bc I have more than made up for partying in my life so a bachelorette would be basically just another night out for me except I will have to play dumb games and wear a pink sash but I always thought it was a good idea if you were a girl with more guy friends. The thought of being only around a bunch of girls for an entire weekend makes my skin crawl so I could understand why people would want to do this. I didn't realize it was bad etiquette though.

theartistformerlyknownas

katiebelle2882 said:

I'm new to this but what is wrong with a Stag and Doe party? We aren't doing either bc I have more than made up for partying in my life so a bachelorette would be basically just another night out for me except I will have to play dumb games and wear a pink sash but I always thought it was a good idea if you were a girl with more guy friends. The thought of being only around a bunch of girls for an entire weekend makes my skin crawl so I could understand why people would want to do this. I didn't realize it was bad etiquette though.

A Stag and Doe is not the same as a bachelor/bachelorette party. A Stag and Doe is where the couple sells tickets to a cash bar party in order to raise funds for their wedding.

slothiegal

katiebelle2882 said:

I'm new to this but what is wrong with a Stag and Doe party? We aren't doing either bc I have more than made up for partying in my life so a bachelorette would be basically just another night out for me except I will have to play dumb games and wear a pink sash but I always thought it was a good idea if you were a girl with more guy friends. The thought of being only around a bunch of girls for an entire weekend makes my skin crawl so I could understand why people would want to do this. I didn't realize it was bad etiquette though.

jesus h christ why can't i get out of the box

A Stag and Doe is not just a bachelorette or bachelor party; rather, guests purchase tickets for said event to help fund the wedding.  And asking for money ain't cute.

Jen4948

luckysnorkel said:

What about just a surprise reception?  My aunt & uncle had a small ceremony with immediate family only, and later that night they threw a big party at their house during which they announced their marriage.  It was a total blast, and there was no element of "aw shit, I thought this was just a BBQ but Jane's in a wedding dress..."

I still wouldn't.  The idea that you're getting together to celebrate someone's wedding should not be a surprise.

Also, the word "reception" means that the couple are "receiving" their guests after their ceremony.  It needs to take place immediately after the ceremony and anyone attending the ceremony must be invited. So a "surprise reception" is not appropriate.

In all honesty, "surprise weddings" themselves just aren't a good idea for the reasons mentioned above in this thread.

doeydo

Well I wouldn't even be there cause I'm not "buying a ticket" to a party to give money to people to pay for their wedding.  I just really dislike surprise weddings all around.  

sophhabobopha

ahyatt87

My MIL did this (minus the stag and doe). It was her and her husband's second wedding. They only told a handful of people (her children, and her sister, myself, and his parents) that it was actually a wedding. They even kept their engagement a secret. For her guests, the 'party' was supposed to be going away party for now DH who was starting university that fall, for his guests, I believe they were told it was family reunion.

It was supposed to be outside, but it was raining, so they held it in their church hall. They had cheesy backyard bbq type games before hand and then he 'proposed'. They had a pre-planned speech stating that since it was their second marriage and they had everything they needed, she would only say 'yes' to his proposal if no one gave them gifts. Then they said since everyone they wanted was already there they would go get changed and get married then and there.

It is still the strangest wedding I have ever been to, but yes, was a surprise wedding IRL.

Oh, I also want to say that even though they changed it was still fairly causal (LWD and suits). Her children (who were 19 and 15 at the time) were the WP attendants (BM and GM).

lovedryn

My cousin and her husband did this (minus the whole buying a ticket thing). I was definitely a little peeved. We were all supposed to be going to a family reunion to hike the Rockies. Most of the family had agreed to meet at one central location and carpool. Cousin arrived a day and a half late (due to supposed car troubles despite only living 30-45 minutes away, declining offers to pick them up).

Upon arrival, they apologize for the delay and suggest that they take us all out to lunch to make up for it. Only instead of lunch, we ended up at a chapel with a tacky "Surprise! We are getting hitched!" sign out front. No reception or refreshments followed, unless the church water fountain counts.

So I got to waste two precious days of unpaid vacation time for a tacky surprise wedding. I will never understand why people would think such things are ok...

slothiegal

lovedryn said: My cousin and her husband did this (minus the whole buying a ticket thing). I was definitely a little peeved. We were all supposed to be going to a family reunion to hike the Rockies. Most of the family had agreed to meet at one central location and carpool. Cousin arrived a day and a half late (due to supposed car troubles despite only living 30-45 minutes away, declining offers to pick them up). Upon arrival, they apologize for the delay and suggest that they take us all out to lunch to make up for it. Only instead of lunch, we ended up at a chapel with a tacky "Surprise! We are getting hitched!" sign out front. No reception or refreshments followed, unless the church water fountain counts. So I got to waste two precious days of unpaid vacation time for a tacky surprise wedding. I will never understand why people would think such things are ok...
Aw hell naw.  I'd be so PISSED.
ETA I literally can not with these boxes.

ohannabelle

My first wedding was a surprise wedding. Everybody (only immediate family) thought they were coming to a birthday party. 

I honestly don't see why it would miff or upset anyone. Obviously, if you've been invited to a backyard barbecue or birthday party or whatever, nobody would expect the guests to be wedding ready and all dressed up with gifts in hand. If a couple cared about that sort of thing, they wouldn't have an uber casual surprise wedding, or expect or want gifts. 

(My surprise wedding was groovy. Very groovy. Cosmic. I had a Victorian chemise and purple peasant skirt, cannot remember if I even wore shoes. The groom wore a particularly stylish 1920s tuxedo jacket, a little frayed and moth eaten, and his favorite jeans. They were appliquéd with moons and stars in various denim fades. He braided his hair and had his aura cleansed for the occasion. Yes, I had a wreath of flowers on my head. Yes, a friend played guitar. Yes, there was wine and marijuana and enough pita bread and sprouts and sandwiches on home baked whole grain bread for all. We splurged on a bakery cake. The officiant was a large red haired woman named Reverend Zadie. Lilacs everywhere, and trilliums from the forest. And lots of love. Namaste and all that.)

As long as your guests are properly hosted, who cares?

ohannabelle

Those were the days. We old hippies knew how to host a party.

short+sassy

lovedryn said:

My cousin and her husband did this (minus the whole buying a ticket thing). I was definitely a little peeved. We were all supposed to be going to a family reunion to hike the Rockies. Most of the family had agreed to meet at one central location and carpool. Cousin arrived a day and a half late (due to supposed car troubles despite only living 30-45 minutes away, declining offers to pick them up). Upon arrival, they apologize for the delay and suggest that they take us all out to lunch to make up for it. Only instead of lunch, we ended up at a chapel with a tacky "Surprise! We are getting hitched!" sign out front. No reception or refreshments followed, unless the church water fountain counts. So I got to waste two precious days of unpaid vacation time for a tacky surprise wedding. I will never understand why people would think such things are ok...

Hey lovedryn, to satisfy my curiousity, I'm looking for some clarification on this. You said it ruined your two days of unpaid vacation, but why did their wedding ruin the hiking?  I mean, yeah, definitely super lame...especially when they specifically said they were taking everyone out to lunch and then got married instead and STILL didn't feed anyone.  But wouldn't this have taken like an hour tops and then the trip would have continued on like originally planned?  Not at all being snarky, just curious if something about this surprise wedding ruined the whole original plan.

Also, if I'd been there, I think I would have walked over to the bride or groom after the ceremony and said something like, "Oh, congratulations!  I'm so happy for you!  But earlier, you all said something about lunchhh....." 

lovedryn

The vacation days got wasted because the B&G held us up in Texas with a good 14 hour drive or so ahead of us yet after their surprise wedding delaying the trip. If they had waited til we got to our destination it wouldn't have been a big deal. But because the several families had agreed to carpool (B&G being one of the group) we got stuck waiting for them to arrive so we could all finally leave for the vacation. We still got to enjoy hiking, just a few days past the planned arrival.

I just found it rude / inconsiderate that they would expect people to waste two days of their vacation (whether paid or unpaid) just so they could throw their ill hosted surprise wedding.

[Deleted User]

I personally wouldn't be able to do this. My fiance has a HUGE family and they are all really close so there would be a lot of feelings hurt when people didn't get invited. Not to mention the "stress" from planning the wedding isn't bad stress. This will be our one big day, I want all of the big and little details I am planning to be a part of it. 

moonpowder

I don't understand why everyone is so negative about this.

It's your wedding you do whatever you want to do. 

I think it's it's a perfect way to skim people that are not 100% enthusiast. 

I would NEVER do this and think it's CRAZY, however if you want to do a surprise wedding. Do a surprise wedding. If you want to do a cash bar. Do a cash bar. 

But deal with it afterward because it's clear that granny won't be happy.

JellyBean52513

moonpowder said:

I don't understand why everyone is so negative about this.

It's your wedding you do whatever you want to do. 

I think it's it's a perfect way to skim people that are not 100% enthusiast. 

I would NEVER do this and think it's CRAZY, however if you want to do a surprise wedding. Do a surprise wedding. If you want to do a cash bar. Do a cash bar. 

But deal with it afterward because it's clear that granny won't be happy.

aaaaaand on a final note, please don't post completely terrible advice, full of nothing but rude ideas, on a board about Etiquette.

misshart00

Who votes that this thread will be in the newsletter?

Jen4948

moonpowder said:

I don't understand why everyone is so negative about this.

It's your wedding you do whatever you want to do. 

I think it's it's a perfect way to skim people that are not 100% enthusiast. 

I would NEVER do this and think it's CRAZY, however if you want to do a surprise wedding. Do a surprise wedding. If you want to do a cash bar. Do a cash bar. 

But deal with it afterward because it's clear that granny won't be happy.

Really bad advice. First of all, you clearly didn't lurk because if you had, you would have found out that "it's your wedding, do whatever you want to do" doesn't fly around here. It is also your FI's wedding, and once you involve a single other person, the day is NOT "your day." Every other person's needs have to be taken into account. It is not polite to "do whatever you want to do" if it is rude to anyone else-even for your wedding. If you can't, don't, or won't understand that, grow up and get over yourself. Second, cash bars are rude. No guest should be expected to open their wallet at a wedding. Weddings are hosted events, meaning that the hosts, NOT the guests, are responsible for all costs, including alcohol. It doesn't matter if cash bars are common or expected where you're from or where you're getting married. No one is entitled to alcohol. But, if you're going to provide it, everyone is entitled to free alcohol. You have no right to provide and expect your guests to pay for it. And third, if you of all people have to advise "But deal with it afterward because it's clear that [fill in the blank] won't be happy," then you should already know 1) everyone else will feel the same and you WILL have to deal with it afterward, 2) if you have to deal with it afterward, it's a bad course of action to begin with, and 3) it's hypocritical to even suggest it in the first place.

Viczaesar

moonpowder said:

I don't understand why everyone is so negative about this.

It's your wedding you do whatever you want to do. 

I think it's it's a perfect way to skim people that are not 100% enthusiast. 

I would NEVER do this and think it's CRAZY, however if you want to do a surprise wedding. Do a surprise wedding. If you want to do a cash bar. Do a cash bar. 

But deal with it afterward because it's clear that granny won't be happy.

Please explain, because as it stands that sentence does not make sense.  Also, "it's your wedding you do whatever you want to do" is a shitty motto.