Wording for Groom Speech at Reception.

dragonavicious

So when my fiancee and I were talking about budget for our wedding we both talked to our parents to see how much they could contribute. My parents agreed to half the cost (and I wanted a really in expensive wedding) while we both knew his parents, who were divorced, couldn't really afford that much to contribute. He asked if they wanted to help out and how much they could because every little bit helps. (He is his father's only child, his mom was married previously).  His mom decided to contribute 100 every month and his dad agreed to 50. We told them both only agree to what they can afford because we just wanted to know how much money to budget for. 

Anyway, his dad ended up falling through. He freaked out at my fiancee and said he'd been been pressured into it or something. He was really rude to my fiancee and didn't answer his calls when all my fiancee wanted to do was tell him not to worry about it if it would tax him too much.  So they ended up having a big fight, not about the money (which would have just been extra anyway because we didn't expect his father to be able to help out) but about how poorly his father treated him. (It was really crazy.) 

So my question isn't about that but the groom is supposed to give a speech thanking guests at the wedding. My parents have contributed a lot and his mother has gone above and beyond. She ended up giving 200 because she was able to get a better job and really wanted to help out. I know how much it means to her to help and I don't think it would be fair to thank my parents and both of his parents for helping us put on the party.  His mom deserves the credit because she really helped, his dad doesn't even want to talk about wedding stuff with my fiancee. But at the same time, he loves his father and we don't want him to feel slighted when he gives the speech at the reception.  So what should we say? Thank my parents and his mom and then what? 

misshart00

I think just thank your parents period, since they're your parents. Your guests don't need to know who spent what.

Jen4948

He doesn't have to thank his parents in a speech. There is no rule that grooms give speeches at weddings. And I think most guests are not going to object if they don't, as long as they are personally greeted at the wedding and thanked for coming.

misshart00

Jen4948 said:

He doesn't have to thank his parents in a speech. There is no rule that grooms give speeches at weddings. And I think most guests are not going to object if they don't, as long as they are personally greeted at the wedding and thanked for coming.

Yeah, or this. Don't even worry about it.

dragonavicious

Oh, my sister did one at her wedding but they didn't have an issue with his parents. I thought it was just common ettiquette. 

And it's not like we would say. " Thank you to the Bride's parents for spending 4,000 dolllars and thank you to the Groom's mother for spending 1000. Everyone else just thanks for coming."  We wanted to just thank them for helping so much with the planning of the party and making it happen. 

MobKaz

Speeches are not given at receptions.  Someone can offer a welcome toast, and others may offer a toast to the bride and groom.  It is never appropriate to even suggest monetary contributions in front of a large gathering of friends and family.  You can thank all your parents for their love and (emotional) support.

For the record, it was wrong of you and your FI to even ask your parents about any monetary contribution to YOUR wedding.  You and your FI DID in fact place his father in a very awkward position.  If you wanted a really expensive wedding, you should have saved up for it yourself.

lyndausvi

I've never seen a groom speech.  

::shrugs::

His brother who was the BM did a speech and thanked my parents for hosting a beautiful wedding.   

If you want to give a speech just do it as a group thank you to all our parents for throwing a wonderful event.  No need to go into details of who gave more.

NYCMercedes

Yep, never ever seen a groom speech. Party on.

dragonavicious

"For the record, it was wrong of you and your FI to even ask your parents about any monetary contribution to YOUR wedding.  You and your FI DID in fact place his father in a very awkward position.  If you wanted a really expensive wedding, you should have saved up for it yourself."

Wrong of us? Excuse me. What the heck are you talking about? Tons of people talk to their parents to ask if they want to contribute or not. My wedding is going to be under 5000. We had multiple plans in place. Option one is no money from either parents. That would be a small wedding. Very intimate with the closest family members. Then we have my parents helping which is a bigger wedding to include extra cousins, etc. Then we have his parents to include extra things.  At no time did we ever beg, or make them do anything. We talked to them about our plans for our wedding and if they wanted to contribute they could. His father said he wanted to give us 50 each month. Then after he said he was going to give us that, and promised that he had sent it, he avoided my boyfriends calls to ask what was going on and tell him that if it's an issue he doesn't have to give us money but we'd still like his input if he wants. When he finally called back, he insulted my boyfriend for even getting married in the first place (we've been together for 10 years). We didn't need their money to get married. We asked if they wanted to be a part of the wedding and what they could contribute as well as if they had anything they wanted to help us plan. That is not a terrible thing at all. Nor is it selfish and your reply was kind of mean, especially considering that this isn't what I asked about. I just wanted to know about the speeches.

 Glad to know that my sister's wedding was the minority, my fiancee will be happy that he doesn't have to do that. 

southernbelle0915

dragonavicious said:

So when my fiancee and I were talking about budget for our wedding we both talked to our parents to see how much they could contribute. My parents agreed to half the cost (and I wanted a really in expensive wedding) while we both knew his parents, who were divorced, couldn't really afford that much to contribute. He asked if they wanted to help out and how much they could because every little bit helps. (He is his father's only child, his mom was married previously).  His mom decided to contribute 100 every month and his dad agreed to 50. We told them both only agree to what they can afford because we just wanted to know how much money to budget for. 

Anyway, his dad ended up falling through. He freaked out at my fiancee and said he'd been been pressured into it or something. He was really rude to my fiancee and didn't answer his calls when all my fiancee wanted to do was tell him not to worry about it if it would tax him too much.  So they ended up having a big fight, not about the money (which would have just been extra anyway because we didn't expect his father to be able to help out) but about how poorly his father treated him. (It was really crazy.) 

So my question isn't about that but the groom is supposed to give a speech thanking guests at the wedding. My parents have contributed a lot and his mother has gone above and beyond. She ended up giving 200 because she was able to get a better job and really wanted to help out. I know how much it means to her to help and I don't think it would be fair to thank my parents and both of his parents for helping us put on the party.  His mom deserves the credit because she really helped, his dad doesn't even want to talk about wedding stuff with my fiancee. But at the same time, he loves his father and we don't want him to feel slighted when he gives the speech at the reception.  So what should we say? Thank my parents and his mom and then what? 

dragonavicious said:

"For the record, it was wrong of you and your FI to even ask your parents about any monetary contribution to YOUR wedding.  You and your FI DID in fact place his father in a very awkward position.  If you wanted a really expensive wedding, you should have saved up for it yourself."

Wrong of us? Excuse me. What the heck are you talking about? Tons of people talk to their parents to ask if they want to contribute or not. My wedding is going to be under 5000. We had multiple plans in place. Option one is no money from either parents. That would be a small wedding. Very intimate with the closest family members. Then we have my parents helping which is a bigger wedding to include extra cousins, etc. Then we have his parents to include extra things.  At no time did we ever beg, or make them do anything. We talked to them about our plans for our wedding and if they wanted to contribute they could. His father said he wanted to give us 50 each month. Then after he said he was going to give us that, and promised that he had sent it, he avoided my boyfriends calls to ask what was going on and tell him that if it's an issue he doesn't have to give us money but we'd still like his input if he wants. When he finally called back, he insulted my boyfriend for even getting married in the first place (we've been together for 10 years). We didn't need their money to get married. We asked if they wanted to be a part of the wedding and what they could contribute as well as if they had anything they wanted to help us plan. That is not a terrible thing at all. Nor is it selfish and your reply was kind of mean, especially considering that this isn't what I asked about. I just wanted to know about the speeches.

 Glad to know that my sister's wedding was the minority, my fiancee will be happy that he doesn't have to do that. 

Its never OK to ask people for money or to say "just wondering what you might contribute". That ship has sailed but it was obviously the cause of some issues between your FI and his dad. If people offer and hand you cash, fantastic. If not, don't ask.

Why on earth would your GM thank anyone? YOU and your FI should be doing the thanking...privately. In the GM's TOAST (its not a speech), he'll congratulate you two and wish you well. That's it.

rsbloom

I've never heard of a groom speech, I've seen and heard of the hosts saying a quick thank you for coming and for all your love and support, which could be the bride and groom, or parents. But speeches are made at the rehearsal dinner. And they should NEVER imply monetary contribution. 

I remember my cousin's wedding where his MIL HAD to do a thank you speech, because she HAD to point out that she paid for the flowers using this AMAZING florist she knew, that she also got for SILs wedding. And that she was looking forward to the cake, because she paid for that and picked the BEST baker. Almost 5 years later and my family is STILL talking about that tacky speech. 

 Also, it is always rude to ask for contributions, even if you add "if you want to." It puts pressure on them to do something they may not be able to. You can tell them your plans and they can offer to cover something, but they should bring it up first. But, what's done is done.

Edited for stupid paragraphs

MobKaz

dragonavicious said:

"For the record, it was wrong of you and your FI to even ask your parents about any monetary contribution to YOUR wedding.  You and your FI DID in fact place his father in a very awkward position.  If you wanted a really expensive wedding, you should have saved up for it yourself."

Wrong of us? Excuse me. What the heck are you talking about? Tons of people talk to their parents to ask if they want to contribute or not. My wedding is going to be under 5000. We had multiple plans in place. Option one is no money from either parents. That would be a small wedding. Very intimate with the closest family members. Then we have my parents helping which is a bigger wedding to include extra cousins, etc. Then we have his parents to include extra things.  At no time did we ever beg, or make them do anything. We talked to them about our plans for our wedding and if they wanted to contribute they could. His father said he wanted to give us 50 each month. Then after he said he was going to give us that, and promised that he had sent it, he avoided my boyfriends calls to ask what was going on and tell him that if it's an issue he doesn't have to give us money but we'd still like his input if he wants. When he finally called back, he insulted my boyfriend for even getting married in the first place (we've been together for 10 years). We didn't need their money to get married. We asked if they wanted to be a part of the wedding and what they could contribute as well as if they had anything they wanted to help us plan. That is not a terrible thing at all. Nor is it selfish and your reply was kind of mean, especially considering that this isn't what I asked about. I just wanted to know about the speeches.

 Glad to know that my sister's wedding was the minority, my fiancee will be happy that he doesn't have to do that. 

I am talking about etiquette.  You posted on an etiquette board.  My response was not mean in any way.  I stated factually that what you did was wrong and rude.  That is an etiquette FACT.  It is NEVER appropriate to ask anyone for money.  You may know "tons" of people that ask for contributions (which is a word often used for charity causes....weddings are not charity causes), but that only means that you know tons of people that are equally wrong and rude. 

No one said that you begged people for money.  You may have not "made" them do anything, but you absolutely put family in an awkward and uncomfortable position.  You say you didn't NEED their money, so why did you ask them in the first place?  Asking for money is selfish. 

I did actually answer your question about the speeches as well.  You may have wanted responses limited to your speech question, but when you post on an etiquette board and mention that you made a very big etiquette faux pas, it will not go unnoticed or without comment.

huskypuppy14

Don't ask for money. If your parents want to help, they will tell you. My husband and I didn't ask our parents for any money. Both sets gave a number they were comfortable with, without us asking.

Also, you or your groom (or both) can do a thank you at the end of the night. I did a quick, "thanks everyone for coming, the after party is at XYZ, hope you can come."

The best man during his toast thanked both of our parents for having everyone at the wedding. It was a nice gesture, and our parents liked that, but it's not necessary.

 If you want to thank your parents for contributing, write them a nice thank you note (which you should do anyway) and maybe get them a gift. It shouldn't be done publicly at the wedding. 

themosthappy91

I respectfully disagree with PP's saying that there has been hard-and-fast etiquette rule violation here. Weddings are more often than not just as much about the families involved as the bride and groom. I don't think it's wrong, rude, or selfish to sit down with your parents and get an idea of what is important to them (such as including certain guests, which is most often the case) and if they are able to help you out financially when it comes to making their vision a reality. I can see how some families might be too formal for that kind of blunt conversation but by and large I believe that it's more considerate to all parties involved to openly communicate about big issues like these and avoid the stress and confusion of no one knowing what page anyone else is on.

That being said, since you knew going in it was going to be very unrealistic for your FFIL to contribute, I probably would not have raised the subject with him... it is probably true he felt pressured to contribute because you asked directly and therefore he made promises he couldn't keep. But then again, maybe he would have been offended if you didn't ask and word got back you'd been talking with all the other parents about this issue and left him out. I personally am always in favor of open communication with your nearest and dearest, so I don't fault you for trying to talk to him about this.

The idea that almost anything in etiquette is a "fact" is absurd to me. The heart of etiquette is making people feel respected and cared for, and that looks different from family to family with almost no universal norm. Particularly with regard to the most intimate relationships in our lives, ettiqutte is a nebulous concept.

lc07

themosthappy91 said:

I respectfully disagree with PP's saying that there has been hard-and-fast etiquette rule violation here. Weddings are more often than not just as much about the families involved as the bride and groom. I don't think it's wrong, rude, or selfish to sit down with your parents and get an idea of what is important to them (such as including certain guests, which is most often the case) and if they are able to help you out financially when it comes to making their vision a reality. I can see how some families might be too formal for that kind of blunt conversation but by and large I believe that it's more considerate to all parties involved to openly communicate about big issues like these and avoid the stress and confusion of no one knowing what page anyone else is on. That being said, since you knew going in it was going to be very unrealistic for your FFIL to contribute, I probably would not have raised the subject with him... it is probably true he felt pressured to contribute because you asked directly and therefore he made promises he couldn't keep. But then again, maybe he would have been offended if you didn't ask and word got back you'd been talking with all the other parents about this issue and left him out. I personally am always in favor of open communication with your nearest and dearest, so I don't fault you for trying to talk to him about this. The idea that almost anything in etiquette is a "fact" is absurd to me. The heart of etiquette is making people feel respected and cared for, and that looks different from family to family with almost no universal norm. Particularly with regard to the most intimate relationships in our lives, ettiqutte is a nebulous concept.

Wrong.

It's rude to ask people to contribute to a party you are throwing. Now, if the family members say they'd like to throw the party, it's game to talk about it.

If you're concerned about offending parents by not including their wishes, you are welcome to ask parents what their wishes regarding the event are without asking them for money to fulfill those wishes.

lc07

Also, OP, I don't mean to be nit-picky but when you refer to a man it's "fiancé". "Fiancée" is the feminine version.

levioosa

You don't have to do a toast, but if you want you can just thank everyone for coming and supporting you and FI as you start your new life together.

Also, I know you don't see it this way, but you did place both sets of parents in an awkward position by asking if they would like to contribute.  I really hope you didn't allude to the fact that your parents were already contributing when you asked his parents.  

dragonavicious

Okay so my parents and his parents both said  they wanted to contribute monetarily to the wedding (we didn't ask them to give us money they said they wanted to and then we asked follow up questions)and you think it's wrong of me, when we were all discussing budget, to ask them how much they wanted to contribute? That makes absolutely no sense. 

It is also not rude at all. It's actually good communication. If someone says they want to contribute then you ask how much so you can set your budget. The problem with his father was when he said he wanted to, told us he had sent 50, then got upset afterward, which I'm guessing is because he felt bad for moving away. It was bad communication on his part not us being rude. 

levioosa

dragonavicious said:

Okay so my parents and his parents both said  they wanted to contribute monetarily to the wedding (we didn't ask them to give us money they said they wanted to and then we asked follow up questions)and you think it's wrong of me, when we were all discussing budget, to ask them how much they wanted to contribute? That makes absolutely no sense. 

It is also not rude at all. It's actually good communication. If someone says they want to contribute then you ask how much so you can set your budget. The problem with his father was when he said he wanted to, told us he had sent 50, then got upset afterward, which I'm guessing is because he felt bad for moving away. It was bad communication on his part not us being rude. 

To the bolded:  This completely changes the situation.  PPs are upset because it seems like you cornered both parents and asked them on the spot what they were giving while explaining that you wanted a big wedding.  If your follow up post is true, and you're not trying to back peddle, then what you did was essentially fine.  Parents said they wanted to contribute.  You told them they should contribute whatever they were comfortable with and then you asked them what was important to them in the ceremony/reception.  This is totally fine.  

But asking straight out who is contributing what when no one has offered is rude and a totally different story. 

PPs have given you some great suggestions with the toast.  

dragonavicious

Im sorry but the PPs jumped on me before they even knew what I was talking about. Some gave some great advice and I'm so glad that we don't have to do a toast but some jumped down my throat and called me rude before they even knew what they were talking about. How can you say that it changes the situation when they didn't ask any follow-up questions before insulting me and calling me rude. 

I've gotten some great advice on these boards before but I seriously don't understand where the heck that came from. Also, not cool to say "if what you say is true" "not trying to back peddle" .... what the heck. Honestly, I am flabbergasted by these comments. 

dragonavicious

Also, I said I wanted a small wedding, not a big wedding. Not sure where people got that. 

Viczaesar

dragonavicious said:

Im sorry but the PPs jumped on me before they even knew what I was talking about. Some gave some great advice and I'm so glad that we don't have to do a toast but some jumped down my throat and called me rude before they even knew what they were talking about. How can you say that it changes the situation when they didn't ask any follow-up questions before insulting me and calling me rude. 

I've gotten some great advice on these boards before but I seriously don't understand where the heck that came from. Also, not cool to say "if what you say is true" "not trying to back peddle" .... what the heck. Honestly, I am flabbergasted by these comments. 

Nobody insulted you.  Have a margarita.  Your description of the conversation that you had with your parents - a description you related more than once - depicted you as sitting down and making the first move in asking your parents for money.  You are the one who failed to give an accurate representation of the conversation, more than once.  Asking someone for money is rude.  Clarifying how much they are comfortable giving after they offer, freely and of their own volition, is not rude.  Two completely different scenarios.

artbyallie

People can only respond based on what you are telling them. Your first post did make it sound like you came out of the blue and asked how much money you were getting. And frankly, given your future-father-in-law's reaction I have to think there was at least some presumption and, yes, pressure there. Especially if your fiancé's parents are not together (as seems to be the case) and you talked to them both at the same time, I can certainly see where he felt pressured to commit money since FMIL was.

MobKaz

dragonavicious said:

Im sorry but the PPs jumped on me before they even knew what I was talking about. Some gave some great advice and I'm so glad that we don't have to do a toast but some jumped down my throat and called me rude before they even knew what they were talking about. How can you say that it changes the situation when they didn't ask any follow-up questions before insulting me and calling me rude. 

I've gotten some great advice on these boards before but I seriously don't understand where the heck that came from. Also, not cool to say "if what you say is true" "not trying to back peddle" .... what the heck. Honestly, I am flabbergasted by these comments. 

Pointing out exhibited rude behavior is no where close to "jumping" down your throat.  YOU said in your OP, "So when my fiancee and I were talking about budget for our wedding we both talked to our parents to see how much they could contribute. My parents agreed to half the cost (and I wanted a really in expensive wedding) while we both knew his parents, who were divorced, couldn't really afford that much to contribute. He asked if they wanted to help out and how much they could because every little bit helps."

This sounds like you sat parents down and broached the subject with them.  What I find more upsetting is that you both KNEW money was tight for both in-laws, and still had no problem ASKING IF THEY WANTED TO HELP OUT.  You are the one that used the word, "asking", OP.  We can only respond with the information you give.  You also make it sound as if you did this as a group.  How embarrassing for all people.  How can you not see how rude and wrong that was?

It is not our job to ask follow up questions.  Responses are given based on the information you provide. 

[Deleted User]

dragonavicious said:

Also, I said I wanted a small wedding, not a big wedding. Not sure where people got that. 

It's because in your original post, you spelled inexpensive as two words.  Everyone skipped over 'in' and just read that you wanted a really expensive wedding.  Go up to your original post, first paragraph and re-read. "(and I wanted a really in expensive wedding)"

southernbelle0915

You said in your OP that you asked your parents how much they wanted to contribute. You DIDN'T say that they came to you FIRST and said "we want to contribute" and you said "ok, how much". In one scenario, you are asking for money (which is against etiquette) and in the other, you are being offered money (not against etiquette). Obviously if you word something that makes it sound like you asked people for money, people are going to point out that it's rude - you are on an etiquette board. I don't really understand how that is surprising...

badbnagdway

My brother-in-law gave the welcome toast, or whatever you want to call it, at his and my sister's wedding. I think this is frequently something that the bride's father does as the "host" of the event.  My sister and her husband did not want my dad to do the welcome toast because my dad was an impediment rather than a help. They never asked anyone for money, although my mom and I contributed what we could, but they also were somewhat upset that my dad repeatedly pressured them into inviting 30 of his family members (which they did, and which cause my sister unending anxiety) and did not give them even $1 or offer to help in other ways with the wedding. 

My dad did get to do a toast, just not the welcome one. I can't remember if my brother-in-law thanked anyone specifically, I think he just thanked everyone for being part of their day. 

banana468

I'm not going to comment on the parental involvement but I will say that I have never seen the B or G give any speech at the reception.   

bmydesigner

In regards to your speech question, I say do whatever you want. I've seen groom speeches before and they do turn out very nice. I guess speech is a bad word too, it's more like a toast. Just something simple thanking everyone for coming. If your groom is not comfortable doing this, he doesn't have to. You two could also do something together. I think when it comes to toast at weddings, the phrase "it's my wedding and I'll do what I want" can apply. As long as you don't have like ten toasts and they're all like ten minutes long. Then, yeah that'd be annoying. Just be mindful of how many toasts you have and their length and you should be good

PrettyGirlLost

rsbloom said:

I've never heard of a groom speech, I've seen and heard of the hosts saying a quick thank you for coming and for all your love and support, which could be the bride and groom, or parents. But speeches are made at the rehearsal dinner. And they should NEVER imply monetary contribution. 

I remember my cousin's wedding where his MIL HAD to do a thank you speech, because she HAD to point out that she paid for the flowers using this AMAZING florist she knew, that she also got for SILs wedding. And that she was looking forward to the cake, because she paid for that and picked the BEST baker. Almost 5 years later and my family is STILL talking about that tacky speech. 

 Also, it is always rude to ask for contributions, even if you add "if you want to." It puts pressure on them to do something they may not be able to. You can tell them your plans and they can offer to cover something, but they should bring it up first. But, what's done is done.

Edited for stupid paragraphs

Speeches are never appropriate at wedding related functions- RDs or receptions.

People may opt to give a brief toast, but no one should be giving a speech. . . it's a wedding not an awards banquet.

PrettyGirlLost

banana468 said:

I'm not going to comment on the parental involvement but I will say that I have never seen the B or G give any speech at the reception.   

I've seen the Bride and Groom thank everyone for coming, hope you had a great night, yadda yadda at the end of the evening as the reception was wrapping up.