I don't want to raise my dying sister's child

thejucheidea

larrygaga said:

I am of the opinion that children should come before adults. Even if that is not your child, their needs are more important than yours. I would say that she should take in this child and leave the foster and adoption slots for kids who really don't have anyone.  Just because she doesn't want a kid, doesn't mean she shouldn't care for one if it needs her. It's so silly and selfish. 

However, the way she blamed her sister for dying of breast cancer makes me think she would be an unfit parent, so good luck for that kid going through the system. How sad.

I disagree completely. No child should be raised by someone who doesn't want them or know how to care for them, and considering that this woman is entirely childfree by choice, she should not be forced to take her sister's kid. It's not selfish at all -- it's not like one of my friends whose ex-husband, in their divorce wanted to avoid paying child support because he claimed he never wanted the kid when he was was the one who insisted they do IVF after natural wasn't working -- this woman had NOTHING to do with her sister's choice to have a kid. It's unfair to her for her sister to expect her to take the child graciously and it's not even VAGUELY selfish.

mrsconn23

larrygaga said:

I am of the opinion that children should come before adults. Even if that is not your child, their needs are more important than yours. I would say that she should take in this child and leave the foster and adoption slots for kids who really don't have anyone.  Just because she doesn't want a kid, doesn't mean she shouldn't care for one if it needs her. It's so silly and selfish. 

However, the way she blamed her sister for dying of breast cancer makes me think she would be an unfit parent, so good luck for that kid going through the system. How sad.

What?  I've been trying to come up with a reply to that statement for 5 min now. 

Just no.  This lady did not decide to have a kid.  Her sister did.  Of course her sister could not predict that after she had a kid, she would end up with a disease that has turned out to be fatal.  But, that does not mean that this lady should take a child she does not want.  Honestly, if I were her sister...I would be afraid that my daughter would grow up with someone who at best, was casually indifferent, and at worse, actively neglectful, unloving, and bitter/resentful toward her. 

NOLABridesmaid

I just feel in life there will be at least one time where you are confronted with a major decision that will question how self less you are willing to be. I'm not saying every thing you are asked to do you do or you are a walking doormat to every favor or request. I'm talking about that life defining event where you will have to make the choice to do something that you never planned or wanted to do or when you really have to put another human being above yourself. That's what this decision is. Sometimes in making those hard life defining decisions we grow in ways we never thought we would. Is it easy, no? Is it challenging, heck yeah. Will there be tears, more than likely. Those decisions always are. I really think that's where faith plays a huge role. Getting strength and dealing with situations that you never would have thought you could ever handle. I honestly think that little girl might add more to her life then she takes away.

VarunaTT

You assume that she will undertake a huge, defining, life changing role..and be fundamentally changed in a manner that is healthy to the child.  The possibility of that not happening is rather large from the way this woman is writing and will have lasting influences on the child.  

Selflessness is a goal for some people, not for others, and forcing them into it is an incredibly bad idea.

NOLABridesmaid

What's the point of this life journey if you're only going to do things you want to do? How do you ever grow or learn that you're stronger than you give yourself credit for? How do you ever have that natural good feeling you get when you truly step outside of your wants and put another person's needs before your own? Writing a check just doesn't cut it. That's what she wants to do, and my brain can't compute that's the only thing she wants to do for her niece. I can see her side of coin, but I don't agree.

VarunaTT

Because you're not required to put another's needs before your own.  I don't even agree that doing so, makes  you a better person.  Doing so, doesn't mean you're doing it well.  This isn't, "I don't want to eat sushi", this is "I don't want to be a mother".  That's HUGE and actually involves another person, that if she's a crappy, uninvolved mother, will possibly ruin that child.

There's an argument to be made that she's actually being more selfless by recognizing her failings and refusing to try and take on something she knows she'll fail at.

This totally reminds me of the people who are like, "Oh, if you have a baby Varuna, you'll love it and change your mind."  Really?  I'm going to play a game like that with another person's life?  I don't think so.

Heffalump

NOLA, I agree with a lot of what you say.  It's just this specific woman...I mean, she basically said it was her sister's fault for getting breast cancer.  She sounds self-absorbed and completely without empathy.  Maybe if she took on this kid, she would learn to be an actual human being, but the odds of that not happening and her messing up this poor kid (who will have already lost her bio mom) seem to high to risk it, IMO.

NOLABridesmaid

Heffa, what you are saying is probably true. I guess it's hard for me to process her point of view in this situation. I'm selfish like the next person, but there are times where you have to think of another persons needs before your own.

pegasuskat

I'm there with you Nola, but some people are selfish.  And yes I think its selfish, sometimes you should want to do what is best for another person, but a lot of people don't feel that way.  I think it will be a lonely life for her when she is no longer able to live that life style, but its what she is chosing. I would worry about the child if she did take it, some people aren't capable of changing or doing selfless things....

GBCK

I do also think there's the rewriting that we all do.

I was thinking about that this weekend, because of something--there are choices I've made in my life to which I'd say 'that was hard and it was choosing the better of 2 bad choices.  so so hard.  But if I had it to do again, I'd do the same thing and take option A'
But, realistically, if I'd have chosen option B, I'd probably be saying *exactly* the same thing.

(I will say the Mr. was more reluctant to agree to be guardians for his sister's kids than I was--not because he doesn't like them, but just because he's always been a lot more "What if I mess them up?" about the whole parenting thing.  He still would prefer we weren't the guardians, and I hope it never comes to that.  We'd do right by them, as best we could but, still.)

kerbohl

If my sister and her husband died, I would be raising my three nephews. However, I am child-free by choice. My sister already asked me if I was okay with doing this should she die, but she didn't push it on me, and said she wouldn't judge me if I said "no". In my case, if I had said no, there are other family members she could ask. It is just so hard in this woman's situation that there seems to be no one else to raise this child. She's dealing with the guilt knowing that her "no" means that her niece will go into the system. It would be so much easier if her refusal just meant the child going to a friend of the mother or another sibling. I have no idea in this case what is the better scenario - the child being in the home of someone who doesn't want her but is family, or being in the home of someone who is paid for taking care of unwanted children. I still think she's a jerk for blaming her sister for getting breast cancer.