Having doubts, is this normal?

blabla89

Lately I’ve found myself questioning whether I’m really ready to get married. Don’t get me wrong, I know that my FI is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. He’s amazing in every way and I don’t want anyone else. But the more I think about what a huge commitment it is to love, support, and put another person before myself every single day for the rest of our lives…I find myself wondering, can I really do this? What if I’m just not good at being a wife?  I wonder if I’m too selfish, too impatient, too immature to be a good partner.  This is compounded by the huge changes that are going to come with living together (we currently don’t) and by the fact that I’ve basically been on my own since I was 16, so the idea of having another person so completely entwined into every aspect of my life is foreign to me. FI got really upset when I opened up to him about this. He insists that he’s totally confident, doesn’t have any doubts or fears or concerns. It makes me wonder if there’s something wrong with me, because I’m the only one who feels this way.

Did anyone else go through this? Is it normal to have some doubts or is there really something wrong here? Have any of you ladies gone through this?

I guess I'm mostly just venting but I would appreciate any wisdom or advice you ladies can share.

JennyColada

I'm nearly 30 days out and going through similar concerns. It's a huge decision to get married, and I feel like if you're not the least bit concerned then THAT would worry me since I'd feel like you're blatantly ignoring certain risks of your decision.

beethery

Watch your FI get some jitters or something closer to the day of. Or, he'll get them, and then won't say anything about it because he already got upset with YOU about it.

You're probably in the clear. Just make sure you address anything that might make you feel like running.

climbingsingle

I think it's all very normal to have concerns like this, especially when you'll be living together for the first time. What's great is that you're not having concerns about your FI. If you're confident he's the person you want to be with, I think it's all good.

FutureMrsN3312

ClimbingBrideNY said:

I think it's all very normal to have concerns like this, especially when you'll be living together for the first time. What's great is that you're not having concerns about your FI. If you're confident he's the person you want to be with, I think it's all good.

Totally agree!  I went thru this.  H and I didn't live together until 3 months before the wedding.  I think major life changes make the wheels start turning.  

I've never been pregnant but I'd assume an almost mom would have the same worries.  "Am I going to be a good enough mom?"  "Can I do this?" etc.

birdybride2014

On my drive to work this morning (which is roughly 40 miles from where I live, so I always have time to think) I was listening to the radio and some song got me to thinking about how I'll never have a crush again or those new relationship feelings and I immediately felt guilty and weird that I was having those feelings. But then I thought about how happy I am that I WONT have to go through the dating** stuff again and how much I love my fiance and I was brought back down to earth.


I think it is natural as you are about to make one of the biggest changes in your life ever to have feelings of hesitation. Don't they say that the biggest stress-causing experiences in life are things like death, buying a house (or something equally large), having kids, AND getting married? I think it is okay to have some hesitant feelings. Although, I betcha, my fiance would claim that he has no nerves whatsoever and would probably act somewhat upset if I said that I did.

Now, if I were having second guesses about HIM then I'd maybe be a little more nervous lol.

**this is not a reason to get married though! So that's not what I mean haha

JennyColada

FutureMrsN3312 said:

I've never been pregnant but I'd assume an almost mom would have the same worries.  "Am I going to be a good enough mom?"  "Can I do this?" etc.

Way to hit close to home. Fi and I were discussing this literally one hour ago.

wandajune6

We live together and I still have these worries. FI's been married before and is a lot less anxious.

The way I look at it, this is a sign that we take the commitment seriously. I think that anxiety means that we understand how big of a deal this is and that it truly means something to us. If you took it lightly, like something that you can get out of easily, you probably wouldn't be anxious.

It's a good sign.

Bubblegum5586

A few times during the wedding planning I would stop and it would all hit me what a big deal all this was. I think it's good that you are thinking that way and are really considering what you are doing vs just getting married because that is what people do.

What made it so easy for me to push past it was, that H and I had already lived together for almost 4 years by the time our wedding came, and I would realize that I loved how everything was and I didn't want it to change.

Living with someone is an adjustment, but it sounds like your serious thoughts are preparing you and making you realistic, and that will make a big difference then people who don't think about it. The unknown can be unnerving....

wrigleyville

H and I felt the same way, so we didn't get engaged for five years, and people harassed us CONSTANTLY. Apparently, waiting until it feels right isn't okay anymore, and I got a lot of comments that it was probably due to my weight, or the fact I let him move in with me, or that he was cheating, etc.

None of those people were invited to the wedding.

Anyway, once we were engaged, we still had some issues, so we postponed the wedding for a year and went to counseling. It helped a LOT. I'm so grateful we did that, and I'd be open to doing it again if any other issues arise.

So, you are not the first person to feel this way. Trust me. It doesn't mean you aren't in love. Marriage is a huge step. HUGE. Once you push past the "yay pretty dress yay reception yay invitations" fluff and get down to the nitty gritty, it can be pretty overwhelming and terrifying.

Do you think he'd be open to something like that?

sarahufl

I had no doubts. Oddly, I wasn't remotely nervous. But I don't think it is out of the ordinary. You SHOULD be thinking about what a massive commitment it is.

FWIW, we didn't live together either. H moved in on Friday and we left for the wedding the next morning. The transition has been pretty seamless. I am kind of surprised, actually, about how simple it was.

If you are questioning certain things, I would be concerned. But the stuff you mentioned seems pretty normal.

jenna8984

I think it's normally and best to talk through it like you did.

Last weekend we rented The Other Woman and right in the first 10 minutes of the movie it shows him out on fancy dinner dates with Cameron Diaz and life looks all exciting and fun. Then it shows him go home to his wife and she's in a robe harping on him about high blood pressure, and using the toilet while talking to him. You just see how "unsexy" everyday life is. I cried on the spot and was just like "Tell me you're never going to get sick of me! That's me- I'm the naggy, ugly, boring wife, and what if you get too bored of that?!"

I have NEVER had insecurity issues before and I trust him a million percent, but it just hit me that in 3 weeks that's going to be my life and he better never break my heart. He of course reassured me that it would never happen, but it's good to get these feelings out there.

blabla89

Thanks everyone, this is really making me feel better. FI and I are planning to do pre-marital counseling with a professional counselor starting this fall, as soon as our work schedules settle down. FI thought a couple of visits with our pastor would be sufficient, but I insisted on professional counseling because I do think we have some issues we need to work through.

jynxiie

I think it's normal to get 'cold feet' but if you are thinking of reasons why it wont work - then I think it's a great idea to go to counselling first. Positive thoughts!

arrippa

wrigleyville said:

H and I felt the same way, so we didn't get engaged for five years, and people harassed us CONSTANTLY. Apparently, waiting until it feels right isn't okay anymore, and I got a lot of comments that it was probably due to my weight, or the fact I let him move in with me, or that he was cheating, etc.

None of those people were invited to the wedding.

Anyway, once we were engaged, we still had some issues, so we postponed the wedding for a year and went to counseling. It helped a LOT. I'm so grateful we did that, and I'd be open to doing it again if any other issues arise.

So, you are not the first person to feel this way. Trust me. It doesn't mean you aren't in love. Marriage is a huge step. HUGE. Once you push past the "yay pretty dress yay reception yay invitations" fluff and get down to the nitty gritty, it can be pretty overwhelming and terrifying.

Do you think he'd be open to something like that?

That's terrible. I am so sorry.

 

I have these thoughts as well. I have lived on my own for years so it'll be weird to live with someone again. But as soon as I remind myself that's FI, then I feel much better about it.

MairePoppy

I had doubts. Been married for over 35 years.

holyguacamole79

I had doubts. Most of mine stemmed from the fact that I was with a guy for a year and we had been talking marriage when he cheated on me. DH and I got engaged after 3 months of dating, so I didn't doubt him as much as I doubted my ability to trust my instincts. Like you, OP, we didn't live together before marriage, and it had been 8 years since I had a roommate. Marriage prep helps, and time does too.

steph861

It's a life-changing decision, and more often than not such decisions come with feelings of self-doubt. Doesn't matter what it is - moving out, changing career paths, getting married, having a kid, starting over in a new city, whatever - you're very likely going to feel some anxiety. 

Now if you were worried that he wasn't the right person, that might be concerning. But "what if I'm not good enough?" seems like a pretty common, and ultimately harmless, worry to have before making a life-changing decision. If it's getting in the way of concentrating on important tasks, it might be a good idea to talk to a counselor, and that's completely okay.

Countless people have been in your shoes and gone on to have happy and fulfilling marriages. You will too.

raissyrais

I think it's totally normal to go through that Blabla. Like pps have said, it is a huge commitment and takes a lot of work. But I think it's doable. I feel the same sometimes, and for me it's double the doubts since I have to leave my beloved Montreal, and everything else behind to be with FI. What if I don't like it? What if the culture shock is too much for me to handle? What if I don't make friends? At the end of the day it's healthy to ask yourself these questions and eventually things work out when you know you're doing the right choice

BreMR

!I think it's great that you can be honest with yourself about your feelings, and I think you should continue to do that! I'm very early into my planning so it's still all of the initial exciting stuff and the actual marriage biz hasn't hit me.. but I will tell you... my FI and I have been together for 3883483 years (well really, 12 1/2) and there was a period in our relationship that I had ALL of the doubts... so marriage or not, I think when you're with someone you question what forever looks like with them.

You're in good company, @blabla89!

ohmrs2014

FutureMrsN3312 said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

I think it's all very normal to have concerns like this, especially when you'll be living together for the first time. What's great is that you're not having concerns about your FI. If you're confident he's the person you want to be with, I think it's all good.

Totally agree!  I went thru this.  H and I didn't live together until 3 months before the wedding.  I think major life changes make the wheels start turning.  

I've never been pregnant but I'd assume an almost mom would have the same worries.  "Am I going to be a good enough mom?"  "Can I do this?" etc.

This is exactly me as well.  We moved in together 2 months before the wedding.  And we had a long distance relationship where we only saw each other on the weekends.  While I never doubted wanting to spend the rest of my life wit DH, I found myself becoming very overwhelmed with all the life changes happening at once.  There was a point where I was so stressed about everything, the move and organizing the apartment, the wedding and finalizing all the details, dealing with my loving yet overwhelming and demanding parents, and a new job that I had started that September, that I broke down and DH said "screw it, lets go to the courthouse."  We obviously didn't, but when things happen all at once, your emotions can go nuts. 

Jells2dot0

I'm a little late, but I definitely had doubts. Not so much about the person, but about the institution. Why change something that's working just fine (aka just being together)? Plus, I've had a failed marriage already. I was afraid to legally commit. My divorce was easy and not messy, but I do not want to ever have to deal with that again. I didn't want the label to change what we had. Thankfully, it hasn't. I was letting my past and my fears get the best of me. It's totally normal to do that, though!