Wedding Etiquette Forum

NWR: Need to vent / someone to talk me down

auriannaaurianna member
First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
edited August 2014 in Wedding Etiquette Forum
I'm full aware that I'm overreacting and I need to get over it but this really ticked me off for some reason.

My father and his wife live 5 hours away. I have not seen them since Christmas (apparently we did not get an invite to their yearly garden-party this year).
They have invited me, my husband, my cousin, her husband and their 4 year-old son up to their country house for Labor Day.

5 hour drive for us (we were planning at leaving at 7am tomorrow morning) and 8 hour drive for my cousin (they are leaving today).
We get this email last night from my step-mother:

Hi - We should have plenty of food and snacks for the weekend, but if you have any special things you like, please bring it. Also, we only have milk, tap water and Bud light so if you want anything else to drink (juice, soda, specialty beer or drink, etc.), bring that too. The fridge will be stuffed but we can rotate in soda/water/beer/whatever. There is nowhere close to our house to grocery shop, so  you may either want to buy MO local and transport, or expect a ~15min drive to a 'real' store (vs. gas station). See ya soon!

And it just rubbed me the wrong way.

It's one thing to let it slip your mind and not think about getting beverages until it's too late. And heck, if she only wants to offer to host milk and tap water then I know I shouldn't complain. And we were going to bring a pack of soda for the trip anyway.

But I get this email and I read it as "I am stating that I've had an active thought that you might not like the drinks we have. But rather than asking you what you would like and spending a half hour of my time to go get it, I'm telling you that you need to find time to hit the store before your 5-8 hour trip and cart it halfway across the country because I don't feel like doing it. And then you will have no where to put it once you get here. Welcome to our home!"


Sorry. I know I'm being petty. But I get this kind of thing from her all the time and it just drives me nuts.

Re: NWR: Need to vent / someone to talk me down

  • That's pretty annoying. If the fridge is going to be packed, as a host, I'd try to make sure it was packed with things the majority of people liked, rather than packed with random stuff people picked up at gas stations along the way.
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  • I agree that would bug me, too.  I hope the trip goes well!
  • Simky906Simky906 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment Name Dropper
    edited August 2014

    Yeah, that would bug me. In my family we all go a big grocery run once we get there and make sure we're all set with what everyone wants. 

    I suggest lots of speciality beers or drinks to make sure you survive the weekend! And possibly a personal mini fridge.

    .
  • I get being kind of annoyed, but I don't see it as that big a deal. But I also expect labor day type weekends to be pot luck ish. Or all make a grocery run together when you get there.
  • Are you mad they didn't buy you your drinks? I wouldnt have even side eyed it. Maybe they thought since you have a family and others are coming with families to get everything in stock that everyone loves it may be way to much so they are leaving it up to you. My family always brings their own drinks when we go to someone elses house just because we drink diet pepsi and my mom loves 7up most dont have it so we just bring our own. Not a big deal plus I'd be ok with just budlight :) 
  • Eh this is pretty standard in my family. "Hey we have milk, soda, and water, if you want wine/coffee/OJ grab it on your way here." I always have to remember to pack coffee for H, because no one in my family ever has it on hand. Now if I have someone coming to stay with me that isn't my mother or sister, I will usually say "hey normally we only have milk and water in the house, what do you like to drink" and I'll buy it. My sister/mother can get their own damn drinks though ;)
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  • I still think it's weird that the offerings are milk and Bud Light. (Tap water, IMO does not count.) But what I find the oddest is that they're just telling OP of this the day before the drive up. I think it would be different if this had been an original part of the invite.

     

  • Eh, that doesn't really bother me. FI's parents never drink/keep soda so I always know it won't be available when we go to visit.

    Honestly, I would actually be glad to receive that email because I would feel more prepared and know that I won't be able to just "run over to the store" while I'm there.


    Daisypath Anniversary tickers



  • I think this would just depend on the family involved and how they view "hosting". I never go to my parents or my FILs expecting them to provide me with the beer I will be drinking that weekend. But we are also more of a "pot luck" type family, too.
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  • I don't think there's anything wrong with it myself. I think it was considerate they thought to email it ahead of time. I do similar things when I host people/parties. If you ask everyone preferences, you'll end up with so much extra stuff, with an already full fridge of goodies.

    Hope you enjoy the weekend!
  • It's not that I'm mad that they aren't buying drinks... it's something about the tone of the email.
    Like if I were to get an invite to a wedding and I got there and found out it was a dry wedding, like maybe I'd be disappointed. But it is what it is. But if I got an invite to a wedding and there was a note in there that said, "And btw we are only giving you milk or water so if you want something else, buy it yourself," I'd be put off.

    And I don't know. I guess it's just a personal difference in hosting philosophy? I know when I have house guests coming for a few days, I try to find out what they like to eat and drink and have it ready. As does my mother. As do my in-laws. So I found this surprising maybe more so than annoying? It just seems like common sense to me to have things ready for a 4-year old that's just taken an 8 hour car trip.

    lyndausvi but you are perceptive. I have a lot of beef with them and am used to them being very inconsiderate in many instances so maybe I've started projecting.

    Thanks all for helping to talk me down. :)
  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited August 2014
    aurianna said:
    It's not that I'm mad that they aren't buying drinks... it's something about the tone of the email.
    Like if I were to get an invite to a wedding and I got there and found out it was a dry wedding, like maybe I'd be disappointed. But it is what it is. But if I got an invite to a wedding and there was a note in there that said, "And btw we are only giving you milk or water so if you want something else, buy it yourself," I'd be put off.

    And I don't know. I guess it's just a personal difference in hosting philosophy? I know when I have house guests coming for a few days, I try to find out what they like to eat and drink and have it ready. As does my mother. As do my in-laws. So I found this surprising maybe more so than annoying? It just seems like common sense to me to have things ready for a 4-year old that's just taken an 8 hour car trip.

    lyndausvi but you are perceptive. I have a lot of beef with them and am used to them being very inconsiderate in many instances so maybe I've started projecting.

    Thanks all for helping to talk me down. :)
    I try and be a good host.  I try and have preferences available.  I personally go out of my way to be a good one.

     At the same time I also expect a parent to already have their kids likes with them.  They are going on a 8 hour car ride x 2.  They should have snacks in the car anyway.   What's a few more? 

     She didn't say ," I expect you to bring food for all your meals because they are not providing any food."   She clearly says there is plenty of food.    It's just the drinks are lacking, here is what I have if you want something different bring you own.     

     If I'm staying at someone's country house for an entire weekend I do not expect them to provide my drinks the entire time.     I fee like a party for a few hours is different than staying at someone's vacation home for a long weekend.     

    Most people can just grab the items from their own home.   But if not it's not hard to run in a grab a case of whatever and throw it in the car.   One person can be pumping gas while someone else runs in the store.  It's not really all that time consuming.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • The tone to it sounded like "if you want something other than milk or Bud Light, then you're SOL."

    But then again, whenever my parents have us up for a holiday weekend, I call ahead as I'm passing the nearby grocery store to see if they need anything else.  They know what we like and keep the fridge stocked, and usually DH & I will pay when we make a run to the store. 
  • auriannaaurianna member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited August 2014
    I say their "country home" but really it's their weekend house in the outer suburbs but that doesn't really matter.

    No, it won't be difficult for us to pick up our own and we will and most likely would have anyway. But it is more difficult for us to do it than for them to have offered.

    I'm driving 5 hours each way, spending $100 in gas (and my cousins even more so), we are bringing our own bed, our own pillows and baked goods. She works at home and and they each make six figures, and they aren't going to offer to buy us a 12-pack of soda for the weekend? (disclaimer: their own business what they spend money on. I'm not entitled to anything. They can host what they want and I should be grateful. Yes. I know I know. I'm gonna be a bitter baby about it anyway but at least I'm doing it here instead of in front of them. Our issues are way bigger than this so I'm needlessly fixating. Hopefully I'll be over it in an hour).

    If nothing else though, it's made me want to be an even more accommodating host the next time the occasion arises.
  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited August 2014
    I think you have other issues with your dad.   Really,

    My parent's have a [beach[ home with 6 bedrooms, 5 bathrooms and still not enough room  if all of us come at the same time.   Some of us bring blow up beds, others sleeping bags.  Cars are stuffed with extra towels, pillows, whatever. 

    The closest one to them are 2.5 hours away.  The next set is 5 hours away.  Myself and brother are a plane ride away + 2.5 hour drive.  Yep the closet airport is over 2 hours away.     

    For the most part my parents have the place stocked.   But we ALWAYS have to stop by the store for something on our way down.  I've never once thought it was odd.   

    Once we are there we all help with the cooking and cleaning.  We strip the beds and at least start to wash them before we leave.  We do all this stuff because it's the right thing to do.    


    ETA -   I just occurred to me I grew with a lot of family and friends having weekend homes.   It's just the norm to show up with your beverage of choice, possibly needing a blow up bed and/or bedding.      It's just what everyone does.

    When I've visited their primary homes when I'm in town I'm usually hosted completely in the house. That said often we are not exclusively hanging out at the house like we tend to do a weekend homes.







    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • This isn't a wedding though. They've invited you to their country house. I get that you have other issues with your dad, but usually when you are a house guest, you thank your host. Its the host that is going out of their way. That's why you give hostess presents and not house guest presents. Their present is getting to stay there for free. From an objective standpoint, there is nothing at all wrong with that email or the tone. But I totally get when you have had it up to here and its the little thing that puts you over the edge. http://www.someecards.com/usercards/viewcard/MjAxMS05YjFkMzUwNDEwNjE1ZjQ4

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  • auriannaaurianna member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited August 2014
    Yup. I do have issues with my dad. Big ones. Agree.
    My having to get my own soda is not a big deal. Agree.
    This is not a big deal. Agree.

    However this is another instance where my parents could have chosen to take an extra step to be considerate and chose not to. There's been a string of such things lately.

    Heh. Sorry for using the Knot as a therapy and whining session!


    Fran1985

    OMG! I hate how step-mom eats crackers! How did you know??????????? :)
  • I can feel your pain and it's good that you are venting here instead of there. Get it out of your system so your weekend can go reasonably well. It is kind of sucky that the only beverages provided by the hosts with kids coming are water, milk, and beer. That's very limited for the kids. So as the parent you are kind of forced to make an extra stop or find space in the a probably full car to make sure they have at least one extra option. Add that to a rocky relationship and boom, not a happy mommy. 

    Like PP's have said, this isn't really a formal hosted event so you kind of have to suck it up, but it sounds like you are doing that anyway. My mom is a big Coke or coffee drinker and I like Dr. Pepper or Mt. Dew, so I know to always bring what I want to drink. She will provide some juice/Kool-Aid for the kids, but most of the time I will run to the store for it. We tend to find a 50/50 split on stuff like this made our life easier. Good luck this weekend. Big deep breaths and try to have some fun. 
  • I think this is one of those times that if you didn't have issues with the people, you wouldn't bat an eyelash at this.   

    BUT, when people are irritating you, the little things that they do become these mounting things that start to get on your nerves.

    My MIL is anti anyone drinking more than what she deems is "the right amount".    FIL often exceeds that amount but it's her perception and not a case of FIL being a staggering, speech-slurring drunk.   DH picked up on her line about a year or so ago that despite there always being a supply of beer and wine in the house, MIL says, "I have water out and there's Coke Zero in the fridge!"    He knows that it's her way of saying, "It may be 5 o'clock here but I don't want you drinking it until I think it's smart."   DH knows that FIL is offering it to him and as a grown adult, he'll decide what he wants to consume.   We now just laugh at it because if you get upset over stuff like this it's going to start to eat at you.
  • This is your dad right? My parents took care of me for 18 years and now when they are hosting me, I go out of my way to take care of them when I can and if that means I have to stop and get my own special drinks or even their special drinks I am more than happy to do so.
    Glad you realize there is an underlying cause to this that has nothing to do with drinks. Is it mainly the stepmom? I didn't read all the posts that came after...
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  • It sounds like you are hurt with your Dad and his wife in general.  This is a petty issue that is bringing other emotions to the top.

    I personally don't see it as an insult.  I have drinks I like and I'm snobby with my tea.  Also, it feels so pretentious to tell someone "Well, I want vodka, but it has to be this specific kind of vodka, so please don't buy it if it's not the one I want."  I also pack my own snacks that I would like to have on a trip and wouldn't expect anyone to run out and get my favorite things.  If she had given you guys a list of ingredients to bring for meals, that would be a different story, but she really just said if you have any preferences, you should bring them.  It sounds more like an informal family get together, not a fully hosted weekend.  Not really bad, IMO.  Plus, if it was so much of a financial burden, you could have declined the weekend.  Is $40 of drinks and snacks going to break you?  If anything, I would be offering to bring anything the host needs, and I would give them a bottle of wine or something as a thank you.    How much they make is irrelevant.  They are opening up their home for a weekend to spend with the family.  

    I think you are bringing other emotions to the email and are consequently reading into it.  Don't let it ruin your weekend.  


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  • auriannaaurianna member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited August 2014
    Thanks all. I feel better about life in general now. :)

    Don't sweat the petty things, don't pet the sweaty things!

    Have a great weekend, everyone!
  • My mom always make a point to pick up things she knows I like before I come to visit. But they're retired and live full time in the house I visit. I can see how if you work and are only at the house on weekends, you might not have lots of drink options on hand.

    But I also understand how something like this could get under your skin if there are underlying issues. Either way, I hope you have a good trip.
  • I think this part of the letter sounds off to me:

    Also, we only have milk, tap water and Bud light so if you want anything else to drink (juice, soda, specialty beer or drink, etc.), bring that too. The fridge will be stuffed but we can rotate in soda/water/beer/whatever.

    There is nothing wrong with having to bring your own specialty drinks, but it doesn't sound like they really bought any drinks except bud light. (Tap water doesn't count, and I'm assuming most people have milk on hand).

    The other part is the "you can bring something but there isn't any room for it". I would be put off too, by that.  It just doesn't sound very welcoming.



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