Wedding Etiquette Forum

FMIL is threatening not to come to the wedding over a feud.

Hey knotties! First time poster here, but I've been lurking for a bit. Hope you all can help me think clearly about this situation, and possibly help my FI and I out with some advice.

Background: FBIL and FMIL had a huge falling out around Christmas. Both of them behaved immaturely, and the end result is that FBIL won’t return FMIL’s calls, etc, and hasn’t for months. This isn’t likely to change anytime soon. She’s been hounding him non-stop since Christmas, and has come close to driving cross-country to surprise/confront him. She doesn’t think she was wrong about anything she did or said during the drama (she was), and is NOT looking to apologize, but rather to demand apologies.

FI and FBIL have a decent relationship. FMIL has been seriously upset/hurt that FBIL will still talk to FI and not to her. FI’s relationship with FMIL has always been a bit strained.

Recently, FI and FMIL had dinner. She asked him if he would be inviting FBIL to the wedding, and he replied “of course I will”. She then said that if she and FBIL hadn’t resolved their issues by then, that she just might not come. FI stared at her in disbelief. She then said “would you hold that against me?” FI said “Are you crazy? Of course I would.” She dug in her heels, and indicated that because FI eloped a decade ago (when he was in college, tumbling into a foolish marriage that didn’t last a year) that she felt like she had every right to ditch our wedding with impunity.

He’s furious, and honestly hurt. I’m appalled.  Not sure how exactly to move forward. (There's zero chance of FI *not* inviting his brother, don't worry - that's not on the table.)

There's a part of us (FI and I) that feels like 'if you're going to behave this atrociously, this far out from the event in question, then maybe you just don't need to be invited'. But I realize that's nuclear. 

How would you respond?

Re: FMIL is threatening not to come to the wedding over a feud.

  • Just invite them both and let them decide whether to come or not. Don't engage in any further discussion of whether FBIL is attending. Your FMIL needs to realize (and hopefully will, without any prompting from your FI) that she would not only be hurting both of her sons, but making a fool of herself in front of all the rest of the family who would notice her absence.
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  • Invite them both if they decide to be adults and both show up great if she stays away that is her choice and will dig herself a bigger ditch. 


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  • Agreed. Invite them both. And call her bluff. How well do you think it's going to turn out for her if she refuses to go to her son's wedding because she has an argument with the other son? Good job mom, piss them both off.

    They're all adults and if they don't resolve their issue bu then, seat them at different tables. Otherwise, don't get in the middle of their issues.
  • I can be spiteful, so I understand wanting to not invite her, but PPs are correct. Invite them both and let them decide. If they do both RSVP, I would probably hire security and let them know (if they bring up any sort of confrontation) that you will have them removed at the first sign of any issue.

    Out of curiosity, have you mentioned this to FBIL? What are his thoughts?
  • I'd probably be a bitch and ask if she was willing to let her anger with one son outweigh her love of the other. But PPs probably have better advice. :)

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  • Hey knotties! First time poster here, but I've been lurking for a bit. Hope you all can help me think clearly about this situation, and possibly help my FI and I out with some advice.

    Background: FBIL and FMIL had a huge falling out around Christmas. Both of them behaved immaturely, and the end result is that FBIL won’t return FMIL’s calls, etc, and hasn’t for months. This isn’t likely to change anytime soon. She’s been hounding him non-stop since Christmas, and has come close to driving cross-country to surprise/confront him. She doesn’t think she was wrong about anything she did or said during the drama (she was), and is NOT looking to apologize, but rather to demand apologies.

    FI and FBIL have a decent relationship. FMIL has been seriously upset/hurt that FBIL will still talk to FI and not to her. FI’s relationship with FMIL has always been a bit strained.

    Recently, FI and FMIL had dinner. She asked him if he would be inviting FBIL to the wedding, and he replied “of course I will”. She then said that if she and FBIL hadn’t resolved their issues by then, that she just might not come. FI stared at her in disbelief. She then said “would you hold that against me?” FI said “Are you crazy? Of course I would.” She dug in her heels, and indicated that because FI eloped a decade ago (when he was in college, tumbling into a foolish marriage that didn’t last a year) that she felt like she had every right to ditch our wedding with impunity.

    He’s furious, and honestly hurt. I’m appalled.  Not sure how exactly to move forward. (There's zero chance of FI *not* inviting his brother, don't worry - that's not on the table.)

    There's a part of us (FI and I) that feels like 'if you're going to behave this atrociously, this far out from the event in question, then maybe you just don't need to be invited'. But I realize that's nuclear. 

    How would you respond?

    Invite them both.  If FMIL brings it up again, then your FI should have something ready to tell her.  Call her bluff.

    I would warn your photographer about FBIL and FMIL.  Make sure that in any family photos they are not posed near each other.  Also make sure they are seated far away from each other at the reception.  
  • Thanks for all the advice. I know you all are right: just invite them both and let her do what she'll do. FI and I are just so pissed at how selfish and petty she's being right now. I can't believe she's still holding his elopement a billion years ago over his head. I can't believe she's willing to drop a bomb on her relationship with one son because of a fight she's having with another. She gets upset that she's not more "included" in FI's life, but things like this make us not want to include her at all. I'm amazed that she can't understand how this behavior ultimately undermines the things she claims she wants.

    While I sort of love the idea of hiring security, we're planning on a pretty small wedding - maybe 30-40 people, so hiring security would be painfully obvious and a bit awkward. The probable size also makes it a lot harder to insulate them from one another. FI will likely only have 4-5 family members in attendance (3 of which would be FMIL, FFIL, and FBIL), and that makes it even more sticky.
    <snip>
    Out of curiosity, have you mentioned this to FBIL? What are his thoughts?
    Yeah, FI called FBIL later that same night. He apparently just sounded exhausted and not that surprised. FBIL says he'll be there, and their mother can do whatever she likes. I don't expect him to boycott or cause a scene - he tends toward conflict avoidance regardless.

    If they both come, and they *haven't* resolved anything, I fully expect her to be unable to prevent herself from making a lot of catty, passive aggressive comments, but she won't start a Jerry Springer style meltdown.

    It will just be vaguely unpleasant. Sigh.
  • So, she's mad at one son for eloping, but she's willing to miss her other son's wedding as revenge? What?

    I'd call her bluff. Proceed as planned, invite both of them, and ignore her when she whines and cries about FBIL.
  • So, she's mad at one son for eloping, but she's willing to miss her other son's wedding as revenge? What?

    I'd call her bluff. Proceed as planned, invite both of them, and ignore her when she whines and cries about FBIL.
    Oh, sorry, I may not have been clear. She's still holding it over FI's head that *he* eloped a billion years ago, when he was really young, in a doomed relationship, and just figuring himself out. She's mad at FI's brother for much more recent, completely unrelated issues.

    So, same irony, but slightly different layout. 1) She's mad at one son for cutting her off, so she's going to damage her relationship with the remaining son and 2) she's mad at FI for once-upon-a-time not including her (or anyone) in a wedding, so now she'll refuse to be included in a wedding.

    I figure boycotting our wedding is a way to punish both sons with one stone. I don't know if/when she'll realize that she's punishing herself way more than either of them....
  • Let her be the drama queen. Just continue with your plan.
  • Sounds like she's always made about something.  I hope she changes her mind, but if she doesn't, it's on her.
  • I would invite both and tell her "he is coming, the choice is yours.  If you do come please do not bring up your issues with him on our day, it isn't the time or place to hash it out.  Come to enjoy the wedding or don't come at all"
  • Invite both. Don't bring up the subject with FMIL, but if she asks, say "yes brother is invited."

    If she says "then I am not sure I will be coming." Say "I hope the 2 of you come, and I wish this animosity were not extending into my wedding day. FI doesn't like it, and I don't either."

    Then refuse to discuss anything more. What happens, happens.

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