Chit Chat

FI has a half sister he never knew about...

loveislouderloveislouder member
First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
edited August 2014 in Chit Chat
She friended him on Facebook yesterday, is 16, and wants to meet him and the rest of the brothers. He asked the brothers and they all want to meet her, but there's 4 of them and they're worried they're going to overwhelm her if they all meet at once, but she wants to meet them all at once. Do any of you Knotties have any experience with this? With people meeting a part of their family they never knew about?

Re: FI has a half sister he never knew about...

  • Yep. I was that sixteen year old girl. I have to say that at sixteen I wasn't prepared to meet my biological family, and I wish I had held off. What are the circumstances surrounding this? Was she adopted, parented by another person without your FIs knowledge? How'd she get information about your FIs family? It's really important to have the details on this, because it can help the initial meet up run smoothly. Please feel free to PM me if you have questions about reunification.
  • jenajjthrjenajjthr member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited August 2014
    As a minor, what do her parents say about this? I wouldn't meet her without one of them being present. 

    Which parent of his is the biological parent? Has he talked to them? How do they feel about it? This doesn't mean he can't meet her if they don't want to, but it will give him at least their side/version of events. 

    My mom has a half brother, somewhere in the world, that is 6 months younger than her. We don't know him. Grandpa cheated on Grandma while they were dating. Grandma got pregnant first, hence why they got married when she got pregnant (wedding date is not 9 months or more before mom's birthday....oooohhh the horror), but that was the '50's. The other woman, mom doesn't know what happened to her, Grandma wouldn't say. My mom would have liked to have known this man, but Grandma was too tight lipped. 

    Tread carefully since she is a minor. Make sure there is always an adult that knows her present in any meeting or plenty on your side of the family that is present. Respect the feelings of the parent on your side as well. Sometimes these meetings go well, sometimes they don't. It's okay when they don't, but we don't like to acknowledge that. If you end up having to keep her at arms length for a limited time, be gentle but firm. 
  • My coworker's wife found out she had a half sister that was older than her.  Her mother got pregnant at 13 and her parents told her to give the child up for adoption.  The woman reached out about 3 years ago to contact the mother and suddenly my coworker's wife has a new sister.  It's jarring for sure.  I don't think there's anything that makes it better, but I'm sure meeting everyone at once awkward...  I think one on one meetings are the way to go with the mother present as the common denominator...
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  • I've been your FI's brother - my half-brother contacted my brother on my 21st birthday. He would have been about 17 or so, and he acted like he wanted to meet us and build a relationship with us. I told him that I felt that building a relationship should come before a meeting.

    A few months later, my dad was in jail for back child support. 

    I know this is illogical and probably cruel and incorrect, but I won't ever meet with him. I feel like he got in contact with us solely to find out about him so that he could find out info about my dad for his mom/her lawyer/whatever. I want absolutely nothing to do with him, and - as this was now almost exactly five years ago - I suspect that will never change.

    I don't blame him for existing though. That is on my dad who thought it was okay to "bed" a woman while he was married, and the woman who felt it okay to "bed" a married man (which she did, in fact, know). I just want absolutely nothing to do with him.
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  • I found out I was adopted back in 2011 (I'm now 30, so I was going on 27 at the time).  My half sister contacted me on Facebook, I asked my mom if I was adopted...to make a long story short, she told me I was adopted.  It ended up not being a big deal (I mean, it was, but it wasn't jarring or anything like that).  

    I met my half sister in LA (I live in DC).  She really wanted to meet, so we met at a restaurant and got lunch.  It was easy, fun, and interesting-we are still in touch.  Her grandparents (well, my bio grandparents), uncle (my bio uncle) and his wife and kids wanted to meet me too, so we went over to their house for dinner-it was a little awkward but also fun.  It helped that FI was there with me.  They are great people and I'm glad I met them and got to know them.  Go for it-shes not too young to be connecting with new family.
  • My sister and I met our dad and all of his family on my sixteenth birthday. This included an older half-sister, dad's new wife (whom he was divorced from by the time I saw him again...he gets married a lot), grandma, aunt, uncle, and 3 cousins. It was super awkward, and kind of overwhelming for me.

    Also, none of them realized it was my birthday, which I may be a little bitter about. My father also did not recognize me at first. He thought he was just meeting my sister, so I can understand a little bit of confusion, but I am the spitting image of my mother.

    I would see them a few times a year for a while, all by invite of my aunt and uncle or half-sister. It was almost always awkward, but then I am uneasy around people I don't know very well. It's also hard because the family abandoned my sister and me when I was just a baby (my grandma on my mom's side has stated this multiple times...like I didn't know). I haven't seen them in a couple years. They just stopped inviting me to Christmas and family dinners and such. I finally got an invite for my grandma's 80th birthday, so I am going and hoping to rekindle the relationship again, but it is still very difficult.

    My (full) sister hasn't met them more than two or three times. She blames our father's issues on the whole family and hates them all.

    I will say it was definitely easier for me when I would go out to dinner with my aunt and uncle. I prefer small groups of people when I don't know them. However, it sounds like your FI's half-sister wants to try in a big group. Give her what she wants, and if she finds it overwhelming or it's awkward, plan it as small groups for a while until you do become comfortable.

    Do me a favor and don't abandon her (not saying you will but my family has for the second time and it stings), and try to include her in appropriate family events. I'm not sure how your family dynamics are, so double check with whichever parent she is not blood-related to and make sure they're comfortable too.

    Also, I met my dad without my mother's permission. She never would have allowed it. I told her after I turned 18, and there was nothing she could do about it then. She eventually got over it, and even asked me to invite the women to my sister's baby shower (though none could come). Please tread lightly in this though. You don't want to get her in trouble, but you also need to respect her guardian's wishes, and the law. Hopefully her guardians are on board as everything is much simpler that way.
  • This is always kind of weird. My half sister and I will meet soon, and although I like her, it's very difficult to resolve our different histories with our father. Just tread carefully.
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