Being told to not invite my Aunt

cambryn

I was told to not invite my aunt to the wedding the other day.

My mom and grandmother said 'your uncle does not want her there, so you can't invite her!'

She is my aunt by marriage, but has always been very sweet and thoughtful with me- sending me little notes on facebook, remembering birthdays, sending christmas gifts- and this is 8 years after she and my uncle divorced.

My uncle, on the other hand, has done some jerkish things to me in the past, and only seems to remember me on christmas, kind of, because I always show up.

I already included her in a save-the-date, so feel it would be incredibly rude to leave her out- plus, I want her there.

My uncle's two daughters are bridesmaids, his youngest (from new marriage) is a flowergirl, and I love his new wife.

Apparently he threw a hissy fit over my aunt being invited- and I just don't know what to do.

I would like her there- and DEFINITELY don't want to be rude- but I know I'll get a ton of flack for inviting her- and the drama will be epically horrible.

Advice, please!

JCbride2015

Seems like since you already sent her an StD, you can't back out now.  And you want her there, so you shouldn't.

Just seat her away from your uncle.  They're all adults and if your uncle makes a scene, it's on him.

charlottesmom0626

I think if your uncle has moved on enough to get remarried, he should be able to be an adult and tolerate being around your aunt for ONE day/afternoon/evening. Invite her, you want her there and you sent a STD

RebeccaFlower

Yup, this is a non-issue since you already sent her a save the date. I would be ready for some drama, from the sounds of your post though. 

beethery

If anyone has anything to say about it, inform them, "Don't start none, won't be none."

Your wedding is not the time, nor place, for any bullshit about their family drama. All that shit is between them, and if they really feel like scores need to be settled they can all start a long chain of sassy fb comments on one of their own walls.

AddieCake

Tell them to put on their big boy and girl pants and get the fuck over it.

zitiqueen

cambryn said:

I was told to not invite my aunt to the wedding the other day.

My mom and grandmother said 'your uncle does not want her there, so you can't invite her!'

She is my aunt by marriage, but has always been very sweet and thoughtful with me- sending me little notes on facebook, remembering birthdays, sending christmas gifts- and this is 8 years after she and my uncle divorced.

My uncle, on the other hand, has done some jerkish things to me in the past, and only seems to remember me on christmas, kind of, because I always show up.

I already included her in a save-the-date, so feel it would be incredibly rude to leave her out- plus, I want her there.

My uncle's two daughters are bridesmaids, his youngest (from new marriage) is a flowergirl, and I love his new wife.

Apparently he threw a hissy fit over my aunt being invited- and I just don't know what to do.

I would like her there- and DEFINITELY don't want to be rude- but I know I'll get a ton of flack for inviting her- and the drama will be epically horrible.

Advice, please!

You already sent the STD, so you have to invite her. Out of curiosity, who is paying for your wedding?

goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826

Ugh, do you and my FI have the same uncle?

You can just tell them that they are adults and they will effin' DEAL.  You sent a Save the Date, so you wanted her there.  I wouldn't back down.

I am having the same problem.  My FI's Uncle bullied his way onto our guest list and now my FMIL is wondering if he should be uninvited after the invites were sent and the reply card is back.  Are people afraid they will just turn into raving monsters at a wedding?  I work with people I don't like on a daily basis.  That doesn't mean I punch them in the face when I see them.  I'm an ADULT and jail is not in my 5 year plan.  Gawd, it's one night, just DEAL.

Sorry, it's just I feel you and your dilemma that shouldn't be a dilemma.  It's bullshit.

Edited because clarity isn't my strong point on a few glasses of wine.

Jen4948

Just tell all involved, "If you want to attend my wedding, you need to grow up, act like an adult, and put your personal issues on the shelf for one day, regardless of who else is or isn't invited or in attendance or whatever other decisions I make.  If you can't do that, then by all means decline the invitation. My wedding is not about your divorce."

melbenso

Aside from everything PP have said about committing through Save the Dates, it sounds like you would like your Aunt to be at your wedding.  So invite her.  If your Uncle doesn't like it, that's his problem.

rsbloom

I was in the same position, I like my aunt by marriage, but they divorced and he remarried. I invited both of them and they can work it out by themselves. On my mock up seating chart, they are definitely at different tables though.

cambryn

zitiqueen said:

You already sent the STD, so you have to invite her. Out of curiosity, who is paying for your wedding?

My dad and my fi's parents. My grandmother and uncle are not contributing monetarily, but my mom is doing the catering (she's a prefessional caterer, or else she would not be doing this! )

Jen4948 said:

Just tell all involved, "If you want to attend my wedding, you need to grow up, act like an adult, and put your personal issues on the shelf for one day, regardless of who else is or isn't invited or in attendance or whatever other decisions I make.  If you can't do that, then by all means decline the invitation. My wedding is not about your divorce."

That is exactly the thing to say, if they try to discuss it with me again.

goldchocobo said: Are people afraid they will just turn into raving monsters at a wedding?  

My mom and grandmother (who are super intimidated and want my uncle's approval at all times for some reason)  said 'well then, he might not come to your wedding!'

My attitude, after some resplection, is if he's going to throw a fit like that, then fine, I don't want him there. If he truly can't be there for me one day in my lifetime, because of his exwife (who is there for every single one of their kid's big moments post their divorce- and he's been just fine!) then I truly don't want him there. I don't care if he's present or not, given his attitude. This is up to him. 

For now I've decided to just not mention it, send the official invite anyways- and if they make a kerfluffle just say 'whoops- i forgot to edit her off the spreadsheet- and Fi sent invite to her. Oh well!' Makes for way less drama. 

My family are drama mongers in the best of times- this wedding is turning them into drama monsters of the nth degree. 

THANK YOU TO EVERYONE FOR YOUR THOUGHTFUL REPLIES!!

Nymeru

I'd be careful about acting like you invited her by mistake just to save on the drama.  That actually might cause more drama, or at the very least hurt feelings on her side if she were to hear about it.  If someone took it upon themselves to inform her that you forgot to "edit her off the spreadsheet" (which it sounds like a few people would be tempted to do) because you didn't really want her, she might decide to quietly remove herself from the situation and not go to your wedding after all.  I know that's what I'd want to do if it seemed like my presence was not only going to ruin everything, but wasn't even wanted to begin with.  No one wants to be the mistake.  And maybe it's just me, but I would find that very hard to shake if it happened to me.

If you want your aunt, then own that choice.  It's absolutely fine to just say nothing about it to your family, invite her, and continue on your way to spare yourself some drama, but don't lie about it when people realize what's going on.  If you care about her and want her at your wedding, then honor her by being honest.

traditionallyuntraditional

They should have made the request before the STD's went out. You want her there and you've already sent the Save the date. Own it tell them you want her there, you sent her an STD already, and it's your wedding and you will not throw etiquette and your guest list out the window because your uncle is acting like a 13 year old girl!

twitterbird

AddieCake said:

Tell them to put on their big boy and girl pants and get the fuck over it.

So much this. I don't get why adults can't just do this!

wrigleyville

Please don't make up a reason. I would feel so hurt if that got back to me.

Own your decision and explain that she is your aunt, you love her, and you're inviting her. Period. If your uncle and others can't get over it, too bad. Say, "I am not discussing this again," and change the subject. If they refuse to change the subject, either say, "I'm ending the call now," or, "I have to go. Bye!"

I do this with my parents all the time, and it's made life so much easier. I don't have time for that BS anymore.

abbyj700

Super interesting how often this happens to families.

FI is still friends with his uncle's two ex-wives. One is the mother of all 3 of said Uncle's children - and all the children are adults and our close friends.  So said ex is often at birthday parties and the like. We have grown to have a relationship with her.

Original ex wife is still "Aunt Jamie" to my FI. She is a friend to us both - we often spend time at she and her boyfriends home.

Uncle probably doesn't know both his ex's are invited - and if he cares - he can keep it to himself. I'm sure his fiance won't be happy - but guess what? She can be an adult and keep it quiet.

We are inviting the people we love - and others need to be grownups about it.