Wedding Etiquette Forum

STD/Guest List

OnionBreathOnionBreath member
First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
edited November 2014 in Wedding Etiquette Forum

I think I might despise my Future Mother In Law at this point.  She's still sore that we aren't up for a double wedding with my Future sister in law. Whatever, we are ignoring it.

She's inviting around 200 people total to her daughter's wedding. Good for her. 

Our wedding is on Feb 22nd. We sent out our STDs already. Her daughter wanted hers to be in March for barrel tasting. Future Mother In Law started freaking out because if her family has to choose between our wedding or her daughter's, she wants them to choose hers. So despite her daughter wanting a March Barrel-Tasting weekend wedding,  she tried to set the wedding date to be before ours (like...the day before ours). She claimed it was so those travelling would already be in town.

We told her then that we had a short guest list and it was unlikely that we would have much overlap. Luckily, her future son in law's parents had conflicts for that weekend... So the wedding is in March and confirmed with deposits and contracts. Great.

This weekend, she presented us with "her guests" so we could save them STDs too. She knows many didn't receive one.  My fiancé told her we already made our guest list and we are all set. She told us that we need to invite these people because they will feel left out if they are invited to one child's and not the other's. She said that most probably won't go anyway since they will go to her daughter's a few weeks later, but that we should invite them anyway because they will appreciate it and they will send us a gift. He left the list with her because we already have our list.

She then e-mailed it to my mother!  My mother called me all upset that she can't invite the 20 people she wants me to invite and his family wants over 100.

We are paying, we don't have to invite anyone our parents demand, right?  I feel all strong and confident one day, and then I feel bullied and shamed the next from her.  I try not to talk about the wedding to her. I think I need to try not seeing her.


Re: STD/Guest List

  • Since you are paying you don't have to invite anyone you don't want to.

    However, though not required, it is nice to give your parents a number of guests that they can invite.

  • Our total guest list is 50 max. So far, we've sent STD to about 35 of them.

    There's really no room to give them any extra slots. We are inviting close friends and family.

    holyguacamole79[Deleted User]
  • If those parents want to invite guests to your party, then they need to come up with the money. If your vision is a small wedding, then the parents are SOL.
  • Your money, your wedding. You don't have to invite any one you don't want to (barring SOs of invited guests, but you already know that).
  • Some moms get psycho over weddings. This sounds like one of those cases.

     I hope after things calm down you can work something out to tolerate your FMIL, but for now I think you should just tell her your guest list is closed to additions and try to keep her out of your planning.
  • Agree with PPs. Your money, your list. And FWIW, my brother got married 3 months before I did. He had several guests that were not at our wedding, and vice versa.
  • I think your FI needs to tell him mom how she is overstepping her bounds by contacting your parents about the guest list. That was uncalled for.  You should tell your mom, that FMIL is trying to manipulate you and FI into inviting her guest list.  Tell your mom, that only you and FI have decided on the guest list and to not listen to FMIL.

  • Seriously.  Be confident and don't let anyone bully you into having a wedding/guest list that isn't what you want.  If you're paying for it, it's completely up to you how you do it.  In my experience, there is absolutely no way to make everyone happy when it comes to your wedding.  It's a pain in the ass dealing with everyone's different wants and likes/dislikes.  Ultimately, you and your FI just need to stand tall and be firm about what you want.
  • I think your FI has to have a word with his mother.


  • Stand strong and firm. If you and your FI are paying, then you're entitled to a small wedding without all these extra guests. Your FMIL is not entitled to make your wedding into her reunion for her family and friends. If she wants to entertain all these people, it has to be on her dime and her time-not yours. The facts that you are not having a double wedding with her daughter or inviting all the people she wants you to are things she needs to get over.
  • Thanks. This really is one of those crazy mother creators. I don't understand it at all. We were fairly close the past few years. She's killing all the fun and making me want to elope.

    I told my mother that his mother is crazy and isn't going to get what she wants.

    [Deleted User]
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