Advice for dealing with negative comments concerning a Second Wedding

candace219

I was wondering if anyone had any good advice for me as a I plan a second wedding on 2nd wedding etiquette, and how to deal and/or talk with those family members who have "old school" perceptions of 2nd weddings?

Just a little background: I have been married before about 8 years ago and have been divorced now for nearly 3 years.  My fiance' and I have been together for 2 years and were engaged last weekend!  He is the sweetest guy ever, a wonderful partner in life, and treats me so much better than I ever thought was possible.  My fiance' has never been married before, neither of us have any children (but we both want children), and we are both in our early 30's.  We plan to have a medium sized wedding (100-125 ppl max) in a nice, reasonably priced location that we can afford and not go into debt over.  I don't plan to make any hoopla about it with parties and showers or anything.  I just want a personalized, memorable, nice ceremony and reception to express the amazing relationship we have. My mom pretty much planned my first wedding, as I was living in another city and pretty much uninterested at the time (should have been among the many blaring red flags).  I also don't want the only wedding experience I had to be the one that ended in a divorce. So now that I have found the right person, we want to plan (and pay for) the wedding we want and is best for us. 

His family is very about us getting married and my family is also very happy for us and they love and accept my fiance'; however, I feel that I am getting some negative comments mostly from my mom about the decision to actually have a nice wedding. She has already made some comments about why I view my first wedding in a negative light, why I would consider buying a nice bridal gown that is around $1000, why I want to "waste money". etc.  I honestly don't think she means to upset me or offend me, maybe she just doesn't understand my situation or how I feel because she (and pretty much no one else in my family) has ever had to go through a situation like mine.

I get the impression from reading this board as well as other sites that the taboo's once associated with 2nd weddings are little less pronounced as they have become more common.  I also get the impression that it is accepted to have the wedding you and your fiance want, without most restrictions, as long as you and your fiance can reasonably afford it.  We certainly don't expect any help from anyone in either of our families unless they choose to help, so I was hoping to avoid negative responses.  However her comments are beginning to weigh down on me and make me less excited about planning our wedding.  So any advice on what to say to her or how to approach this would be greatly appreciated.

Jells2dot0

Congrats on your engagement! I think what you are planning so far sounds awesome. You are correct in that you are free to plan the type of wedding you envision, especially if you are paying for it yourselves and can afford to do so! A great resource for etiquette is also idotaketwo.com. *****************************As for your mom, I think you can approach this two ways. It depends on the type of relationship you have with her. You can either be direct or bean dip her. So, next time she mentions something about wasting money, you can say "I know it seems like a lot, but we're really excited about it!" You can just change the subject (the bean dip part) without even trying to discuss anything. I know it's disheartening, but I really would not let the comments get to you. It's hard to do that, but it sounds like she is supportive regardless and she isn't paying, so it's really none of her business to know any of the financials or plans.

edited b/c TK does not believe in paragraphs

NYCMercedes

Um, not talk to her about it?

Lizzieyounce

First of all, yay!!! You're getting married!

I married for the second time last March, to a wonderful man who had never been married.  Like y'all we paid for it all ourselves, and it was a medium sized wedding where we did away with some of the more traditional aspects (bouquet/garter toss being one of them).

If you're close to your mom, I would begin with gently letting her know that, even though it might not be her intention, some of the things she is saying is hurtful.  If she has some concerns listen to her when she expresses them and take them into consideration.  

Maybe she's concerned that the wedding will tap into your savings, or will cost more than she thinks you can afford, you know things like that.  If this is the case, put her mind at ease however you see fit.  

She might be concerned that this marriage will end in divorce based on your first marriage or something along those lines.

Just be open and honest with your mom and let her know how you're feeling.  

In my case, I considered a tea length dress and a less formal wedding.  My then fiancé wanted to marry in the church...the whole nine yards.  Initially I went along with his plan because I love him and wanted him to be happy, and honestly it wasn't a huge deal to me either way.  Just as long as we were married at the end of it all.  

As we got closer to the date, I got more and more excited about it all.  When it came time to pick my dress I found that I WANTED a bridal gown because I felt like, and was a bride!  HIS bride.  It's hard to explain, really, but he's made me so happy and my life is so much better with him in it that I felt shiny and new.  I wanted to express that in some tangible way, I wanted to be a traditional bride in that bridal gown.

That's what I told my mom when she questioned my choice of attire. She understood where I was coming from after that, and we even went gown shopping together.   She even cried when I found "The Dress".

Sorry for the long reply.  You rock that gown, enjoy the planning and have a great wedding and marriage!

But talk to your mom. I appreciate it when my kids let me know when I am hurtful because that's the last thing I want to do to my children.  No matter how old they are.

sandrafunk88

What I would suggest you is that is that this point what matters is your happiness if you know you are with the right guy and you are making the right choice then nothing should bother  or hurt you  as you should consider yourself lucky because you got such a nice husband with whom you are going to spend your life with, There is no such thing like taboo because in the end you are doing that is right in front of my eyes and that is what you should do because it helps us in planning our better future with our loved one. So just forget about the negative comments as it is life and if you are getting affected by other’s then you are not living your life in your terms and ways.

vegasbride2015

I think if you love the dress, it's "the one", you are happy, that is all that should matter. As for your mom, you can be gentle with her, but firmly explain that this is your wedding. It is your day! Enjoy it!

People think a "second wedding" is taboo, that is their own opinion. Yeah, sometimes I wonder about it myself for my own wedding, like do I deserve a nice wedding because this is the second time, etc. But then I think, this is my wedding, to a man I love and want to spend the rest of my life with. It didn't pan out that way the first time, and that is what happens sometimes. Whatever reason the first marriage didn't work out doesn't mean you can't have a nice wedding the second time around!

arvidceej

My mom has made a couple of remarks regarding my purchase of a gown for our wedding. I simply said it was what I wanted and we are paying for everything ourselves. Just because it's your second wedding doesn't 't make it less worthy of the celebration you would like to have and share with others.

[Deleted User]

You sound just like me         I'd just tell her how you feel. Sometimes I think we need to remember our feelings are valid as well and sometimes people do not know how they come across if you just nicely tell them they realize it and stop. Also remind her that it's the FI's first wedding and it's not fair to him not to have a normal type wedding just because you've been married before.  My mother also planned my first one maybe sh'es a little sad she isn't as involved so lashing out a bit?

KimCagle

My older sister and my dad have made comments so i decided to let our children play their roles in our wedding. My son who is supportive will walk me down the aisle and our daughters will be the bridesmaids. They will just be guests (non-paying) this time around. It isn't meant to be vindictive but if they can't support our belief in a small wedding (instead of their idea of just the immediate family) then i will have only the people, who are most supportive, involved. In this case, its our children and they are so excited! That's what i call a win. Congrats and enjoy your day, your way!