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April 2012 Weddings

Family Drama-Siblings in the Wedding

Remember my situation with my stepmom? *sigh* Vent, fair warning. 

Ok, so my dad is the most indecisive person on the planet in general. It takes him days and weeks to make decisions. His wife is part of the reason. 

Now, figure this into me wanting my 10 year old brother to be an usher and my 3 year old sister to be a flower girl. Technically they are half siblings, as my stepmom is their mother, so I guess she gets a say in the decision. I can tell from conversations I had with my dad that she is not thrilled about the idea of them being in the wedding. My dad asked me not to mention the idea at a family dinner recently because she flipped out about it just prior. My brother says he doesn't care what she says about it, he will be in it (lol).

I cannot, for the life of me, understand what justifiable reason she has to not allow them to be in it, other than our lack of a relationship and she knows it will hurt me. I have offered to cover all expenses. She is invited to the wedding. Hell, I will give her a damn mother flower if she will let them do this. As far as I know, she is not saying they cannot attend, just not participate. How dumb. 

All men and boys in the wedding need to be fitted and pay a $20 deposit by June 30 or we lose our discount at Savvi that I won at a bridal show. Obviously my brother will grow before then, but its just a formality really. I told my dad about the deadline and he said he'd take care of it. 

I know I really don't have to know about either of them this far out, and my brother could still get a tux later on, just not at the discounted price. We can get my sister a dress any time a few months before the wedding, which would probably be best anyway to be sure it fits. 

I guess I am just really frustrated in my dad's inability to stand up to his wife and say "They are her siblings, they will be in the wedding because there is no reason for them not to be." This is all I asked of him related to the wedding. I expect no money or gift from him because she is unemployed and he works 2 jobs.  I've made up my mind, that if my dad cannot make this one thing, all I asked for,  happen for me, then I will be walking myself down the aisle. He will have chosen his wife over me for the last time because I will never ask him to again. Ever. 

Ok sorry dramatic rant over. lol 
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Re: Family Drama-Siblings in the Wedding

  • Oh I'm sorry to hear about that!

    That really is ridiculous. There isn't really a reason not to let them - it's not like they probably won't be at the wedding anyway.

    As for walking yourself down. I am not even inviting my dad to my wedding. We haven't spoken in something like 5 years. I'm instead having my grandfather and step mom walk me. :)

    I hope the situation gets better and he does stand up to her. It's not like you're asking them to do something bad...
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  • Your stepmom is being a total.... word I can't use in these forums. I can see how frustrating that would be.

    I would suggest if nothing is done by mid-may, bring it up to your dad (or even your stepmom directly) again. I think it is very thoughtful of you to include them in your wedding.
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  • I hear you on your frustration.  You've still got several weeks until June 30th so try not to sweat it too much!  Agree with pp that if your father still seems to be hemming and hawing towards the end of next month, mention it to him and let him know how important it is to you.  Of course you would like them to be able to take advantage of the discount, and I know how you hate to see a guy you care about lose out by being indecisive (my fiance is like this, ugh) but like you said yourself, it will be their loss if the discount expires before they get fitted.  So if you always wanted your father to walk you down the aisle, it's not worth holding a grudge against him for losing out on something that would have benefitted him and your brother.
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  • mdphdmdphd member
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    Well, first, breathe and try to remember that you have about a year for people to change their minds either way... that's a lot of time to start repairing relationships.  he worst thing that happens if you miss the June 30th deadline for your brother is that you pay full price for the 10yo's tux... that's not so bad, so don't rush into anything.

    You are totally right that it's your dad's place to talk to his wife and stand up to her, not yours.  I think I would calmly tell him that this is important to you and its important to you that he takes your side on this one.  Also, say you are willing to repair the relationship with stepmom, and that this would be a good first step. 

    If he doesn't stand up for you and you can't have your stepbrother/sister in the wedding, get boutonnieres/corsages/pomanders made for them anyway by your florist so they feel included - their mom can't stop you from recognizing them in that way (or in your ceremony program).  And remember that even if they dont have a role in your wedding, they know how much they mean to you and that's what's important.
  • Ok why don't you ask your dad to list out your stepmom's reasons as to WHY they cannot participate?

    I doubt she has any valid reasons, so once this stupidity is put into writting he will realize she is being dumb. BUT at the same time you seem as if you are the concerned stepdaughter.

    "Dad, I would really love for them to participate and I understand (insert jerk's name here) has a couple of hesitations. So since she is nervous and a little hesitant could you ask her to list her concerns? You and I can work in tackling these issues together. I can give her two weeks to think about everything and prepare a list so she can do it on her own time."
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  • Speaking from the perspective of someone who is also going through a massive amount of family drama myself--- in the end, if you can look yourself in the mirror at the end of the day, then that's the most important thing. I def. agree with PP that you should honor your siblings either way (because they certainly didnt ask for this!!) but in the end, the only person who looks bad in this is your stepmom (and your dad for not sticking up for you in this, but mostly your stepmom). I also agree with Mari that you ask your dad to come up with a list of her reasons.

    Best of luck--- and remember that you're not alone with the drama (how does one save the drama for their mama when their mama is causing it, I wonder???)!!


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  • Thanks ladies for all of your replies. 

    Since we have about 2 months, I'm trying not to fret over this. There isn't anything I can do til closer to the time. And even if they miss the 30th, they just lose the discount. My bro could still be an usher. 

    As for repairing the relationship, it will never happen. We haven't spoken in years, since before I moved out when I was 17. Even when I lived there, we never had a relationship. It was us always fighting and her always yelling at me. And no I wasn't that kid that wanted to stay out til 2am...I could write for days about all of her dumb rules and all of the things I got grounded for. 

    That is a great idea about honoring them if they cannot participate. I will definitely get them some flowers to designate them as family. 

    I talked to my dad earlier today and he assures me everything will be ok...but I've heard that before! lol 
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  • Im so sorry to hear you have to go through all of this for your wedding. That being said I think she is out of line. I mean really keeping sibblings be them half or full out of each others weddings is past the line IMO. I have 2 step brothers and couldnt imagine them not being a part of my wedding. I think you have plenty of time to breathe and try to work out solutions. As you get closer to the day I suggest talking to her directly. I know you dont have the best relationship so maybe have your dad and brother their maybe hearing your brother say he wants to be there and be in it would help. Good luck and keep us updated. I hope everything works out!
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  • I am so sorry to hear about your stepmom drama!! I also would like to know her reasoning for not wanting YOUR siblings to be in the wedding! The girls are right, you have time until June 30th. I would try to figure out why she doesn't want your siblings in the wedding and go from there. Again, i'm sorry you have to deal with such a controlling person! That is stressful!
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