Wedding etiquette rules your family regularly breaks with no remorse

larrygaga

It is 100% expected that you help set up and clean up the reception/ceremony. Because of this, I have helped put together every sibling, cousin and aunt wedding that has ever happened in my family. Also because of this, I will have a personal army to assist me with my wedding. It's actually kind of awesome to have this much help and all I have to do is help a teeny bit at every other wedding. I will have to do literally nothing on my wedding day to pay back all the work I did for everyone else. I will provide decorations and pictures, and the family will have it all done and I won't need to lift a finger. They would shoo me away and tell me to go get ready to marry FI. If you don't help at a wedding, you suck and everyone hates your for it. 

If you mention the words "dry wedding" or "cash bar" they will set your eyebrows on fire and disown you. No free booze=no happy gagas.I know because I saw it happen. The disowning part, not the eyebrow part. The eyebrow part was an exaggeration, if you didn't realize. 

I'm sure some of you guys will be all cute and not have psycho families that are polite. 

holyguacamole79

larrygaga said:

If you mention the words "dry wedding" or "cash bar" they will set your eyebrows on fire and disown you. No free booze=no happy gagas.

My family is the same on this.  A family friend became super Evangelical and the wedding was 100% dry.  Her dad even paid the country club where the reception was held to make up for the fact that there were going to be no booze sales (apaprently).  My dad bought a cell phone flask for the occasion.  We'd be sitting at dinner and he'd go "rinng, riiiiiing.  It's for YOUUUUUU" as he poured vodka from the flask into my punch.

larrygaga

sarahbear31 said:

larrygaga said:

If you mention the words "dry wedding" or "cash bar" they will set your eyebrows on fire and disown you. No free booze=no happy gagas.

My family is the same on this.  A family friend became super Evangelical and the wedding was 100% dry.  Her dad even paid the country club where the reception was held to make up for the fact that there were going to be no booze sales (apaprently).  My dad bought a cell phone flask for the occasion.  We'd be sitting at dinner and he'd go "rinng, riiiiiing.  It's for YOUUUUUU" as he poured vodka from the flask into my punch.

Ha! Yep, that sounds like us

RebeccaFlower

 Cash bars are totally normal. Someone actually called us snobs because we had open beer & wine, but everyone else thought we were awesome.

lurkergirl

Not really any actual faux pas, but we are generally loud; probably bordering on obnoxious.  We really amuse ourselves

HeatherKat

Partially hosted bars. Hosted beer and wine, and cash bar for everything else is totally normal and expected. I'm still trying to convince my FI that it's rude, but it's hard when thats the only thing he's known. Same thing for SOless head tables. It's all he's ever seen at a wedding, and I can't for the life of me convince him otherwise. *sigh*

wrigleyville

- Dollar Dance - we're Polish, but it's time to let that die. Luckily, fewer people are doing it.

- Head tables without SOs are the norm. I had never heard about SOs sitting at a head table until I joined TK. I've never even seen a king's table or sweetheart table.

- People will not attend if they hear it's a dry wedding. If they show up and find out it's dry, they leave. It's so horrible.

- People always come to the hall to help set up the night before, but it's voluntary and we have fun with it. Someone always orders pizzas, the guys show up with beer and soda, and we tell stories and catch up for hours. The B&G usually ask people to come help, which is against etiquette, but it's such a tradition that we don't feel put-upon. It's honestly an honor in my family if the bride trusts you with her Precious Centerpieces.

- Gaps. Ohhhhh god so many gaps. My family is Catholic, so it's common to have a 10:00 wedding with a 5:00 cocktail hour and then dinner at 6:00. Even with that insane gap, the B&G are almost always late because they and the WP were pre-gaming on the party bus.

jenna8984

I'm a little jealous of your crazy, loud, fun, helpful families. My family has never had a wedding. Literally. My aunts and uncles all got married before I was born. My cousins are all younger than me (in their early 20's) and none are married. My brother got married last year but all the cousins were away at college and did not come, and their parents all left promptly after dinner. None of them are invited to mine (it's only 23 guests). I don't expect to be invited to any of theirs when they get married, as we don't speak on a regular basis. 

Liatris2010

My mom is usually 100% etiquette approved, but she thinks it is okay to only invite the SOs of those in "serious" relationships, but also thinks all of her favorite people should get +1s. We invited everyone's SO and didn't give singles +1s. She got over it, mostly because I didn't tell her I didn't give +1s to the people she wanted to give them to. Sorry mom.

jenijoyk

Not my family, but FI's family... we've already had four people on his side ask if they can bring people. Not SOs, those are invited. Just people. Kids. Friends. A casual date. They ask over text. They ask on facebook. It's fascinating. I would like to point out that not a single person on my side has done this.

We finally stopped bitching about them when we realized there has been only ONE formal wedding in his family in the past 15+ years. All his cousins and aunts and uncles that have married in FI's adulthood either eloped, or had a backyard, grab your piece of pizza out of the box weddings. So I guess they all have absolutely zero clue that no, we don't want kids there. And no, we don't want to fork over an extra $100 in food and booze for your random platonic friend to escort you.

MairePoppy

My side of the family lives in central MA, where cash bars are the norm. I have lived in CT most of my life, where open bar is the law. My family thought we were showing off when my daughter got married and had a full open bar. After a few drinks, they thought it was a great idea.

jerkyanne

No one from my family knows wtf an rsvp is. Seriously that must be the excuse sine they don't for anything. Baby showers, bday parties, weddings etc. I swear I think come time I'm going to have to call every single one of them. Lol

superblackcat

RebeccaFlower said:

 Cash bars are totally normal. Someone actually called us snobs because we had open beer & wine, but everyone else thought we were awesome.

Same! My family weddings have only ever had hosted cocktail hour, cash bar the rest of the time. A few family members are implying that we're snobs/"wasting" our money. My mom is actually upset we're having an open bar. 

SP29

Stag and Does/ Buck N' Does/ Jack and Jills are REALLY big in the area I grew up in. "Everyone" goes to "everyone" else's, often without even knowing the B or G, and it's all cool. 

When I told my family that we were having a head table with SOs, they responded with, "why? that's not how it's usually done!". 

Gaps. Nothing crazy, but I've been to a few weddings where the ceremony was at ~2pm, with cocktail hour starting at 4 or 5 pm. Never thought anything of it until TK! 

iloveotters2014

my MIL told me that etiquette says to invite anyone unmarried as + Guest to avoid confusion with breakups. I was just like ummmm not so sure about that. Other than that on my side of the fam, bars are typically always beer/wine hosted and liquor cash. We did beer and wine and 2 signature drinks, and my family was very very confused. (ETA - I had 2 paragraphs. boo)

moutonrouge

My family doesn't realize it is rude to invite people to pre-wedding events but not the wedding itself. We've had several family members get married who purposefully threw huge engagement parties so they 'wouldn't have to' invite all those people to the actual wedding. 

They also don't mind a PPD (and in fact asked me to please have one). 

larrygaga

We must pick and choose our etiquette battles, ladies.

Ndelible

Bringing people to weddings they are invited to, as in "wanna go to this wedding with me?".  

My niece's husband is from Nigeria and are notorious for showing up late (everyone in my family does that too) and bring loads of (uninvited) people with them, so forget the headcount.

JellyBean52513

iloveotters2014 said:

my MIL told me that etiquette says to invite anyone unmarried as + Guest to avoid confusion with breakups. I was just like ummmm not so sure about that. Other than that on my side of the fam, bars are typically always beer/wine hosted and liquor cash. We did beer and wine and 2 signature drinks, and my family was very very confused. (ETA - I had 2 paragraphs. boo)

...because married people don't break up, right?

lightningsnow

-Jack and Jills. I have never liked this idea even when I have attended them. So tacky and not needed.

-Cash bars. Recently I was discussing the thought that we have an open bar at our wedding in the future. Everyone in my family was like 'don't do it... people get sloshed... blah blah blah.' We never carry cash and I would hate to have my own friends and family pay for their drinks.

-And guest when it is an established couple. Or and family if children are invited.

-Showers are always a bit of a potluck. Everyone brings something, though that is how all of our family parties are.

-My family likes to drink so having a dry wedding would result in riots most likely and trips to the liquor store.

lovesclimbing

Registry cards.  Both my sisters did it.  I don't mind though. That's something I just don't really care about, and it does make it easier for me.

Also, family helps set up and break down.  My family did it for me, I did it for my sisters. And people just say "Oh, hey, we're decorating at x time at the church."  And people just naturally stay behind to help clean up.  It's not rude to me.  It's just something you do to help your family out.

theartistformerlyknownas

Everyone keeps telling me to just assign someone to set up my centerpieces and pack everything back up. I keep insisting "I can't ask them! They have to volunteer!" and they retort "how will they know you need help if you don't tell them?!" And... I don't really have a good answer for that. 

They were also all pretty stunned that the WP will be sitting with their SOs. 

daria24

There's only been three weddings in my family in my lifetime, so not much to go on. But in general, my family often puts "no gifts please" on party invitations.

My family would never dream of doing potluck/cash bars/etc, but the general mindset is that close family will pitch in and do anything you need-for the last wedding they had a dessert spread and we were all asked to make something. We made the cookie table for my cousin's wedding. My aunts will make food for any showers, even if they aren't the hosts, etc.

saacjw

moutonrouge said:

My family doesn't realize it is rude to invite people to pre-wedding events but not the wedding itself. We've had several family members get married who purposefully threw huge engagement parties so they 'wouldn't have to' invite all those people to the actual wedding. 

They also don't mind a PPD (and in fact asked me to please have one). 

My husband's family is the same damn way. It ended up being a hill I was unwilling to die on, because his grandmother and aunts insisted on throwing me a bridal shower with all of his grandmother's friends (who I had never ever met before) and I got seriously pressured into it. Lurkers- do not let people convince you to do this. Seriously, I strongly regret it. There were a couple of people offended that they hadn't been invited and were passive aggressive about it. I felt bad because of not inviting people and then them giving me very thoughtful gifts and my feelings were kind of brushed off by husband's family saying "oh they wouldn't have come anyway," since the wedding was out of state. Have more of a spine than me and turn that shit down!

A giant engagement party was my aunt's way of getting my grandmother off of her back. My aunt got married for the first time in her 40s. Her husband, also in his 40s. They wanted a smallish, family and close friends only wedding and when my grandmother kept insisting that they invite everyone she (my grandmother, not my aunt) had ever met. So, my aunt declined my grandparents' offer to pay for things, she and her husband did it on their own, and my grandmother had a FIT, so to make peace, my aunt let her throw a big engagement party. 

Question for those who know- are these large engagement parties/showers for people who aren't invited acceptable in certain circles/cultures? My grandmother and my husband's family are the same age and have very similar cultural heritage and now I'm curious. 

RebeccaFlower

lolo883 said:

Everyone keeps telling me to just assign someone to set up my centerpieces and pack everything back up. I keep insisting "I can't ask them! They have to volunteer!" and they retort "how will they know you need help if you don't tell them?!" And... I don't really have a good answer for that. 

They were also all pretty stunned that the WP will be sitting with their SOs. 

I'm just going to throw this out there (non E approved). If you have a close friend/family, I think it's fine to ask. Have a clear, easy to do plan. 

What is NOT COOL and happened to me, is couple flew off to the Bahamas at like 9am the day after the wedding and there was no fucking plan!Mom & I picked up everything/dropped off rentals. I am still pissy about it. I only helped because if I didn't it would have been left to my momma.

larrygaga

lovesclimbing said:

Registry cards.  Both my sisters did it.  I don't mind though. That's something I just don't really care about, and it does make it easier for me.

Also, family helps set up and break down.  My family did it for me, I did it for my sisters. And people just say "Oh, hey, we're decorating at x time at the church."  And people just naturally stay behind to help clean up.  It's not rude to me.  It's just something you do to help your family out.

Yes. Whenever I see people on the knot whining about how their family isn't helping decorate or whatever, I feel pretty weird about it. It's one thing to demand they become your wedding slaves, but another for family to be completely unhelpful. I would be really annoyed (and so would everyone else) if I put a ton of work to help into my sister's wedding, and she just showed up and partied all night. We don't do that crap. My entire family views weddings as family events. It's not just a party thrown by the couple, it's a big shindig to celebrate them. As long as the B+G pays! Every couple in the family gets their chance. I would feel terrible if the B+G of any wedding had to spend all day working to decorate and didn't get to spend all day preparing themselves! Family or not, I usually try and do something at every wedding, because I know how much work even the simplest ones can be.

I do understand that the reception is to thank guests for coming. 

I have never looked at a family member and felt that I wouldn't help them move, throw their party, bring a dish to pass or anything like that. It's just weird to us. Hosting a party only by a few people is weird and doesn't happen. 

If you have a big life event in my family, you get calls and texts all like WHAT U NEED

I'm bragging at this point. I never realized there are so many families that don't act like this? 

holyguacamole79

@larrygaga‌, I agree with that last point. My sister lives 4 hours away and my husband couldn't take off work the day before her wedding (we both took the Friday afternoon). Everyone else in our family was there helping to set up for the wedding and I showed up half way through the rehearsal. I felt so badly even though I knew it was out of my hands.

cupcait927

jenna8984 said:

I'm a little jealous of your crazy, loud, fun, helpful families. My family has never had a wedding. Literally. My aunts and uncles all got married before I was born. My cousins are all younger than me (in their early 20's) and none are married. My brother got married last year but all the cousins were away at college and did not come, and their parents all left promptly after dinner. None of them are invited to mine (it's only 23 guests). I don't expect to be invited to any of theirs when they get married, as we don't speak on a regular basis. 

This is my family as well. I've been to all of 3 weddings in my life and they were all for friends. I have cousins that are either 15-20 years older than me or 25 years younger than me. FI has a bunch of cousins around his age that haven't gotten married yet so hopefully we'll have more family weddings to go to in the future.

larrygaga

sarahbear31 said:

@larrygaga‌, I agree with that last point. My sister lives 4 hours away and my husband couldn't take off work the day before her wedding (we both took the Friday afternoon). Everyone else in our family was there helping to set up for the wedding and I showed up half way through the rehearsal. I felt so badly even though I knew it was out of my hands.

Obviously there is forgiveness if there is a legit excuse to not be there. If it's just laziness then you get into trouble.

holyguacamole79

jenna8984 said:

I'm a little jealous of your crazy, loud, fun, helpful families. My family has never had a wedding. Literally. My aunts and uncles all got married before I was born. My cousins are all younger than me (in their early 20's) and none are married. My brother got married last year but all the cousins were away at college and did not come, and their parents all left promptly after dinner. None of them are invited to mine (it's only 23 guests). I don't expect to be invited to any of theirs when they get married, as we don't speak on a regular basis. 

My family is crazy and helpful, but our cousins on my mom's side got married before we did (and they all live in AZ, so we aren't close to them). We don't have any cousins on my dad's side. And, only one of my uncles on dad's side ever married (dad has 5 siblings). So, I can relate to you, @jenna8984‌.

twitterbird

- Cash bars are the norm where I live. In other parts of the the province BYOB is even more normal.
- Gaps
- Potluck showers. Usually immediate family like aunts will bring cookies/sandwiches without being asked