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jmarabella

ifeelgoodifeelgreatifeelwonderful

You can't demote her without causing a rift and hurt feelings (especially if any of these cousins are sisters?). I think if your BM want to be overly involved that's nice but really you just need them to get the dress and show up, anything else is an extra bonus. It sounds like you expect she might not buy the dress and then that would solve things for you as she would essentially remove herself. You can ask your best friend to be a BM, the sides don't have to be even.

If you go to look at dresses in April she doesn't have to be there. She can just order the dress the rest of you select. I would just brush off her comments and enjoy the months leading up until your wedding

southernbelle0915

First ask each BM their budget is for a dress. Then go with the lowest budget . Sounds like that will be your cousin's.

She doesnt need to do anything for your wedding.

On the flip side, you can do things in April, like shopping, if you want. If she decides not to come, oh well. I do think if your wedding is in June you will want to go BM dress shopping prior to April anyway. But if your shower is in April and she decides she's too busy to attend a shower for a couple hours, oh well.

MairePoppy

This must be a very exciting time for your family. Three weddings in one year.

Un-asking a bridesmaid is actually one of the rudest things you can do. Telling your cousin that you'll understand if she would like to step down doesn't make it better.

  It's nice of your sister to offer to cover your cousin's dress. You should ask each bm, privately, about her dress budget. Shop in the lowest range. If you go over that amount you should cover the difference.

Your cousin was wrong to tell you that the whole month of April is off limits for your wedding related activities. You should avoid her wedding weekend for your shower, if you're having one. If she will be having a bp and rd that month, ask hosts to coordinate dates, if possible, since your guest list might overlap.

You can have uneven sides in your wedding party. Don't ditch your cousin in order to include your bf as a bm. ***TK didn't allow me to separate into paragraphs.***

lmcooper86

Asking someone to leave your wedding party is a relationship-ending move, which would be pretty awkward since she's your cousin.

Your BMs shouldn't be expected to do anything other than buy the dress that you select (within the lowest budget put forward, make sure you talk to each BM separately) and show up for your wedding in that dress, preferably not drunk, and smile for pictures. It's great that the rest of your BMs want to be involved beyond that, and if one of them doesn't then that's her choice. If she choses not to order the dress, then she will be choosing to remove herself from your wedding party.

If this cousin/BM is treating her own wedding planning like a chore, then she might not be much fun to have around when you're doing other wedding stuff! Enjoy the time that you'll get to spend with your other BMs if they want to be involved, and if she misses out on some fun times together then that's on her.

Also, she gets a wedding day, not a wedding month. She can't ban you from planning anything in April. Once you know her wedding date then obviously try to avoid that date for showers that might be offered for you or anything like that, but there's no reason that you can't both have events during that month.

PrettyGirlLost

jmarabella said:

When I got engaged my fiancé and I decided to do an all family wedding party.  I have a sister and 3 cousins that I love and he has 3 brothers and my brother.  However, after I asked my cousins to be in the wedding, 2 of the 3 got engaged and plan to have their weddings in April and September when my wedding has been planned for June.  Not a big deal, I'm really happy for them and thought that it would be great to bonce ideas off each other!  I have a problem, though, my one cousin (who is engaged) is 7 years older than me has told me that I can't plan anything in April because that's her wedding month and that she probably won't come to anything including bridesmaid dress shopping because she's too busy with her own stuff.  Hahahaha, she's funny.  She gets one day, not an entire month.  I'll give it to her that the week leading up to her wedding will likely be busy, but if she is completely swamped the entire month then she's doing it wrong.  However, she doesn't really need to show up to anything related to your wedding in April, when you are getting married in June.  Once you have all discussed the budget and you have picked out the dress based on that budget, your BMs can go out on their own, individually and get their dresses.  Dress shopping for the BMs doesn't need to be a group thing.   Showers and bach parties are optional events as well.  It hurts my feelings that she is so quick to reject things I want to do.  Like what?  Are you planning a lot of wedding crap for April?  What makes it even worse is that she isn't even excited for her own wedding, she acts like it's such a chore to get married and she is bringing that into my wedding planning too.  I mean, not every woman loves and squees about planning weddings.  She also keeps telling me how she doesn't have any money and my sister (my MOH) has had to step up and say if you love a bridesmaid dress I will buy it for her because we know she won't buy it.  I wanted to have her in my wedding but at this point my best friend is way more involved that she is and I really would like to relieve her of the burden of being in my wedding (or at least that's how it seems to me).  What should I do!?  You should have asked your best friend to be in your wedding from the get-go.  You can ask her now, but it has to be in addition to having your cousin in the wedding.  You can't kick your cousin out, it's hurtful and stupid, frankly.  You ask ppl to be in your WP because you love them to pieces, not because of how involved in planning your wedding they are.  You are your FI are responsible for planning your wedding, no one else.  Can I be blunt and say you can back out or just pretend like it doesn't bother me how she wants nothing to do with my wedding? No, you say and do nothing except you get over yourself and stop feeling badly that your cousin doesn't squee about your wedding.  She has her own wedding to plan, and naturally she will be more focused on that wedding as it is more important to her. . . because it's her wedding.  However, she may not be the type of person who gets all excited about wedding planning to begin with, so if she isn't excited about planning her own wedding then she surely won't be excited about helping you plan your wedding.

Short Answer- Yes, it's rude and very hurtful to kick a person out of your wedding party.  Don't do it.

[Deleted User]

You can't unask her but the next time she complains about the costs and stuff I don't see why you couldn't ask her "With planning our wedding I totally get that the cost of a wedding gets expensive so quickly, and how things can get tight. Are you still comfortable with being a bridesmaid? I would love for you to be a BM for me but I don't want to cause any financial stress for you with my wedding being so close after your wedding." Then this way you aren't demoting her but giving her an way to step down if she wishes with no feelings hurt on either side. If she says "It's ok, I'll be fine" then just limit how much stuff you include her in with the planning and try to be respectful of her time since she is going through all the same things you are, just two months sooner.

MyNameIsNot

Unless you have managed to invent a time machine or some way to erase her memory, it is impossible to unask her.

Stop trying to dress it up.  You're asking about kicking her out.  That's one of the nastiest things you can do to a person and will ruin your relationship.  I'm sure you know how nasty it is if you're looking for a way to avoid even saying it.  It will also make you look like a complete jerk to the rest of your family.

She's doing nothing wrong.  She doesn't have to be involved in your wedding planning or care about it.  Ask her for a dress budget and select a dress within the budget she gives you.

Leave your friend alone.  If you really wanted her, you would have asked her in the first place.  Asking her now as a runner up will make her feel like an after thought or a pity bridesmaid.

Jen4948

Aside from getting the dress, what exactly do you expect her to do?

Kicking her out is, as you suspect, extremely rude and potentially friendship ending.  There is nothing a bridesmaid has to do besides get the dress and show up in it on time, sober, and in good spirits.  She does not have to go shopping with you, attend parties, or do DIY projects with you.

artbyallie

Erikan73 said:

You can't unask her but the next time she complains about the costs and stuff I don't see why you couldn't ask her "With planning our wedding I totally get that the cost of a wedding gets expensive so quickly, and how things can get tight. Are you still comfortable with being a bridesmaid? I would love for you to be a BM for me but I don't want to cause any financial stress for you with my wedding being so close after your wedding." Then this way you aren't demoting her but giving her an way to step down if she wishes with no feelings hurt on either side. If she says "It's ok, I'll be fine" then just limit how much stuff you include her in with the planning and try to be respectful of her time since she is going through all the same things you are, just two months sooner.

I would not use this wording because it's going to come across as prompting her to step down, which will feel like getting kicked out.

climbingsingle

OP, it's really rude to delete your post. And you've already been quoted.

southernbelle0915

Changing the title of the post only draws attention to it. This is a fine question, OP. Your cousin is in the wrong, so I don't really get why you'd delete.

But this is for you:

ei34

Just came for the delete. 

PPs have given you great advice.

levioosa

I also came for the delete.  Listen to PPs.

[Deleted User]

YOU RANG?