Need help - budget hiccup already

geminimama16

Hi everyone! A bit of background: FI has been married once before, we've been together about a year and a half and have 3 kids between the 2 of us(he has 2 girls, I have 1 boy). We officially became engaged last weekend but picked out the ring together in June and have been talking marriage for almost a year. Now here's where I need some help/advice.

We've talked about plans for how we'd like a wedding to look and all that before. A lot. We both want a small intimate wedding with just our closest family and maybe* a few close friends. Our guest list is literally under 40 people, tentatively. However we never talked about an actual budget before, just said we would save what we could and most would probably come from our tax refunds (he typically gets around 6K and I get anywhere from 3-5K). Since this is his 2nd wedding he could care less if we just ran out to the courthouse and signed papers, but he has said over and over that he doesn't want me to regret or miss out on having the things I really want in our wedding. So I made an essential list - things I would regret not having. It includes: A white dress, bride's bouquet, Photographer, cake, a meal, and a 1st dance (it can be from our iPod even, I don't need a dj or all that jazz). I thought that was very practical and I really don't think it's too much. I really and truly believe that it is the marriage that matter most, not the "wedding" as much. I'm not interested in a huge shindig but I would like a special day to celebrate. He agrees that it's not too much... but - he said last night (as I was mentioning that the photographer I was looking at was only $1600 for the day, prints, and dvd of all the pics) that he wants the ENTIRE thing to cost under $1500. WHAAAAAAT?!?!?! I don't see that as feasible. And on top of that the first thing he said was that if I spent over $500 for a photographer that he would be really pissed... then he got up, went into the other room, and pulled up pics of his first wedding "to prove to me that a family member can do just fine with a nice camera". Ummm... I had mentioned before that I was curious about his wedding, and would love to see a pic of him, BUT I do not think that was a great time to show me 100 pictures of your first wedding  I cried. 

My other sticking point was that he sold one of his houses a few months ago and made about $6000 profit. He immediately went out and bought a 4 wheeler with $4500. I am floored that he wouldn't bat an eye at dropping that amount on a 4-wheeler and yet wont consider more than $1500 on our WEDDING. He says that a 4-wheeler is something we have for years to play and work with, a wedding is one day. Yes, but our memories of that day are forever... he doesn't get it. At this point I told him we were done talking about it for the night because I was upset and we both needed to talk about it when it wasn't 10pm and we could both be more open-minded. I'm done looking at wedding stuff and ideas until we nail down an appropriate budget. He apologized before we went to bed for making me upset but I feel hurt that this makes it seem like "toys" are a bigger financial priority than our wedding would be. 

This is obviously nowhere near a life or death crisis for us or our relationship but I am kinda upset that even though we agree on most other financial matters, this appears to be a big difference for us. Spending $ on material things vs spending on "memories" if you will, that leave you with no physical reminder necessarily. 

cafarrie

Could you do some research and put together a list/budget that you think is reasonable that includes everything you want?  I would lay out everything you mentioned here that were your "must haves" and see where you both are willing to compromise. 

 In regards to photography - there are definitely photographers out there for much cheaper that $1600 and in my experience, you really don't need them for the whole day.  I had mine for 8 hours and we were still sitting around with nothing for her to do for quite a while before the ceremony...

There are lots of budget conscious dresses out there and the girls on here have awesome suggestions on where to look and find them!

You can make your own cake, DJ your own wedding (we did this with iTunes and it was awesome), and do so much of this yourself!  

As for the "toys" issue - My response would depend on how you two handle money.  Do you share all expenses equally?  One bank account?  Two?  I ask because if everything is shared, it sounds like you both really just need to put together a budget and stick to it (one that includes individual spending money).  If your finances are separate, I think it's up to him to decide how to spend his money as long as you're family's bills are paid. 

emmyg65

Finances are one of the biggest issues in a relationship, along with religion and kids/no kids. It sounds like you two need to sit down and have a larger discussion about money and values. 

Are you a spender or a saver? What are your debts and assets? What are your larger financial goals (pay off debt, own a home, take a nice vacation every year, whatever)? Will you combine finances or keep them separate?

Then you can talk specifically about your wedding budget and priorities. When we were planning our wedding, we each separately listed our top three spending priorities for the wedding, and then we compared our lists. It's a good starting point for discussions. 

blabla89

emmyg65 said:

Finances are one of the biggest issues in a relationship, along with religion and kids/no kids. It sounds like you two need to sit down and have a larger discussion about money and values. 

Are you a spender or a saver? What are your debts and assets? What are your larger financial goals (pay off debt, own a home, take a nice vacation every year, whatever)? Will you combine finances or keep them separate?

Then you can talk specifically about your wedding budget and priorities. When we were planning our wedding, we each separately listed our top three spending priorities for the wedding, and then we compared our lists. It's a good starting point for discussions. 

All of this. Have this discussion before you go any farther into wedding stuff. Ultimately, the wedding cost needs to be what is reasonable based on your incomes and expenses, and so should his discretionary spending.

It sounds like you don't expect anything extravagant, so I feel like you should be able to meet in the middle with regard to the cost. You could find ways to minimize cost of the wedding, and save money on day-to-day expenses that you can put toward the wedding. He could be more open and flexible to spending a little more to have the parts of the wedding that are important to you. But no matter what you spend, your wedding will be wonderful. Remember that.

If you want specific tips on how to save money on things, hang around these boards and feel free to ask. The ladies here have great suggestions!

geminimama16

I was expecting closer to $500 or $1000 on a photographer but the last time I was looking was 5 years ago... I was reading up on other posts on this board. We live in Maine - it seems that $1600 is actually low end of the spectrum for New England photographers. I will keep looking but I was hoping for a total budget of $5000. That would be roughly HALF of what we get in tax refunds this year (we each claim less so we get bigger refunds and dont end up with a surprise to pay in for at year end). Also - right now our budgets are separate. We have lived together since March and decided who would pay which living expenses and such. Like I said, on day to day budget stuff we do really well. We agree on a lot and I don't mind the "toy" spending if there is extra - it's the fact that the toy spending is appearing to be a bigger priority than this huge day in our lives. I would rather wait an extra year to get married if I have to and pay for all of it with just my own taxes than to use family/friend photographer. I really do not want to worry about any hard feelings with someone close to us if I don't like the pics. KWIM?

badbnagdway

I agree that how you deal with finances is important. I think this could be a case of adjusting expectations. I think you can probably do close to what you want for that budget, but it would be hard to get a professional photographer shoe horned in there and do everything for $1,500. I have heard that some photogs will do much smaller packages of just a few hours to cover the ceremony and the usual bride and groom and family shots. Having a Sunday or Friday wedding might help a lot also. 

But ultimately I think you need to talk to your fiance about this. Ask him what his expectations are for the day and what is important to him. Talking and thinking about this changes your perspective. Figure out what a $1,500 wedding would look like for you guys, and talk to him about that. In New England I think it would be pretty much cake and punch, and those are not common up north (I'm from MA). 

He may have things that are important to him to do and realizing that would help him to understand why you think the $1,500 is not enough. For example, I suggested to my fiance to have a brunch wedding. He said no because he thinks we need to have dinner and drinks. He has kind of had to adjust to things costing more to do them the way he is used to seeing them done. And that's actually been very handy for me. I present him with the low cost option and most of the time he doesn't really like it. 

CMGragain

geminimama16 said:

Hi everyone! A bit of background: FI has been married once before, we've been together about a year and a half and have 3 kids between the 2 of us(he has 2 girls, I have 1 boy). We officially became engaged last weekend but picked out the ring together in June and have been talking marriage for almost a year. Now here's where I need some help/advice.

We've talked about plans for how we'd like a wedding to look and all that before. A lot. We both want a small intimate wedding with just our closest family and maybe* a few close friends. Our guest list is literally under 40 people, tentatively. However we never talked about an actual budget before, just said we would save what we could and most would probably come from our tax refunds (he typically gets around 6K and I get anywhere from 3-5K). Since this is his 2nd wedding he could care less if we just ran out to the courthouse and signed papers, but he has said over and over that he doesn't want me to regret or miss out on having the things I really want in our wedding. So I made an essential list - things I would regret not having. It includes: A white dress, bride's bouquet, Photographer, cake, a meal, and a 1st dance (it can be from our iPod even, I don't need a dj or all that jazz). I thought that was very practical and I really don't think it's too much. I really and truly believe that it is the marriage that matter most, not the "wedding" as much. I'm not interested in a huge shindig but I would like a special day to celebrate. He agrees that it's not too much... but - he said last night (as I was mentioning that the photographer I was looking at was only $1600 for the day, prints, and dvd of all the pics) that he wants the ENTIRE thing to cost under $1500. WHAAAAAAT?!?!?! I don't see that as feasible. And on top of that the first thing he said was that if I spent over $500 for a photographer that he would be really pissed... then he got up, went into the other room, and pulled up pics of his first wedding "to prove to me that a family member can do just fine with a nice camera". Ummm... I had mentioned before that I was curious about his wedding, and would love to see a pic of him, BUT I do not think that was a great time to show me 100 pictures of your first wedding  I cried. 

My other sticking point was that he sold one of his houses a few months ago and made about $6000 profit. He immediately went out and bought a 4 wheeler with $4500. I am floored that he wouldn't bat an eye at dropping that amount on a 4-wheeler and yet wont consider more than $1500 on our WEDDING. He says that a 4-wheeler is something we have for years to play and work with, a wedding is one day. Yes, but our memories of that day are forever... he doesn't get it. At this point I told him we were done talking about it for the night because I was upset and we both needed to talk about it when it wasn't 10pm and we could both be more open-minded. I'm done looking at wedding stuff and ideas until we nail down an appropriate budget. He apologized before we went to bed for making me upset but I feel hurt that this makes it seem like "toys" are a bigger financial priority than our wedding would be. 

This is obviously nowhere near a life or death crisis for us or our relationship but I am kinda upset that even though we agree on most other financial matters, this appears to be a big difference for us. Spending $ on material things vs spending on "memories" if you will, that leave you with no physical reminder necessarily. 

Honestly, I think the two of you need some pre-marital financial counseling before you go any further with your wedding plans.  Both of you are looking at the short-term goals that you want.  Have you ever discussed lifetime financial goals?  You have three children.  What about their college future?

My husband and I have never had a financial disagreement in our 38 years of marriage.  We both shared the same goals.  Home ownership and education for our children topped the priorities.  We never bought toys for ourselves, drove old cars for years, shopped garage sales.  We are completely debt free, and now have plenty of savings for the future.

It doesn't sound to me that the two of you are on the same page financially.  This can destroy a relationship.  You need to understand that your FI regards money spent on a wedding is frivolous.  He obviously doesn't understand that you think his 4 wheeler is a "toy".  This isn't about how much your photographer costs.  It is about values and priorities.  I think you should sit down together with a financial planner.

nicole4793

That stinks that your FI isn't being so nice about the photographer and things like that. This is a big day for you, and you deserve nothing but happiness and the best day ever!! To be able to splurge in other areas, I've heard of people going to grocery stores to put together their own flowers. If you just want a bridal bouquet, try somewhere like Wegmans and just put thick ribbon around them to hold them together. The Wegmans in my area has absolutely gorgeous flowers for a reasonable price. I know it might sound crazy, but it would work if you were willing! The tentative budget that the Knot has is extremely helpful after you put in how much you want to spend. In my opinion, photography definitely isn't a spot that you want to be chintzy on!! Best of luck to you. 

geminimama16

To clarify - We agree on almost all areas of finances. We own our home. We own our vehicles outright. We do not have $$$$ in debt. That is NOT what I am asking about. Also, I find it hard to believe that in 38 years there has NEVER been even one disagreement about spending or budgets. However, to the point...  I was in agreement if he wanted to purchase the 4-wheeler at that time. What is sticking at this point is that he was all for spending on that but comparatively, I see our wedding day as investing in memories and he seems to see spending that $ on pictures as frivolous if we could get family to take some for nothing. 

We plan to have a family member make our cake (she does them professionally and would charge only for ingredients), I am going to grow my own flowers for the bouquet and I have a friend who will help me to put it together for free, and I think I have found the dress I want and it is under $500. So basically, other than the dress - the only things we will be spending substantially for is the meal and the photographer. 

[Deleted User]

I think you need to find some venues that you both agree are interested in and go and find out prices. Your guest list isn't crazy. Keep your options on locations including resturants that will cater to private events. Check out some resturants to see if they have party rooms available for rent or if they would be able to reserve a section of their resturant for you. Since they aren't surviving on just private events, you may be able to get something more reasonable price wise then a traditional reception hall. Also check with your local park & cities to see what smaller venues may be avaialble for rent that you could bring in a caterer. Basically, price out the your dream budget wedding, invites, flowers, etc & see what it comes up to and then when you have the facts to show him the costs of things, you can better discuss the budget.

 

badbnagdway

geminimama16 said:

To clarify - We agree on almost all areas of finances. We own our home. We own our vehicles outright. We do not have $$$$ in debt. That is NOT what I am asking about. Also, I find it hard to believe that in 38 years there has NEVER been even one disagreement about spending or budgets. However, to the point...  I was in agreement if he wanted to purchase the 4-wheeler at that time. What is sticking at this point is that he was all for spending on that but comparatively, I see our wedding day as investing in memories and he seems to see spending that $ on pictures as frivolous if we could get family to take some for nothing. 

We plan to have a family member make our cake (she does them professionally and would charge only for ingredients), I am going to grow my own flowers for the bouquet and I have a friend who will help me to put it together for free, and I think I have found the dress I want and it is under $500. So basically, other than the dress - the only things we will be spending substantially for is the meal and the photographer. 

It's great that you guys are on the same page on most financial things. I would avoid the "tit for tat" of bringing up what he spent on one thing and what you spent on another. I really do think that you can be fiscally responsible and not question every financial decision your partner makes, and I think that kind of second-guessing happens a lot with couples I know but really isn't productive. 

Also, how do you handle finances now and how will you handle them in the future in terms of combining or not combining your money? Will you each keep separate bank accounts? Will you pool some of your money together? Will you pool it all together? 

I ask the above because it does sound like to him the wedding spending is frivolous, and he may disagree with even you saving up and spending money on it. If that's not the case, maybe wait for your tax refund to come in and put aside a little extra every month until then. When did you hope to have the wedding? 

tammym1001

How much research has your FI done on weddings? I only ask because my FI was a little taken back by the amount of photographers because it was one of the first vendors that we looked at. Once he realized how much a wedding can cost he let it go and didn't say anything else about how much we were spending. Could it just be shock on his part and he doesn't really understand how much wedding related items cost?

littlestmonkey

I think that people are assuming there may be other areas of financial disagreement because you bought up the cost of the 4-wheeler - it certainly gave me the impression that there might be other issues but from what you've said subsequently it sounds like that was maybe unfortunate wording. We got married abroad but MIL wants to throw an at-home-reception for everyone over here who wasn't able to travel. We're throwing a fully catered, open bar party for 80 for about $3,000 by choosing a non-traditional venue, which is also a newer venue so they are looking to make a good impression - something like this sounds like it would work for you, especially with your smaller guest list. And we're doing this in a major NE city so it is possible. I would definitely recommend coming up with alternative plans for the wedding - maybe research what a $1,500 wedding would look like in your area and what a $5,000 wedding would look like. Hopefully you'll be able to demonstrate that it is worth spending the extra money.

bahamabride2015

I think your photographer sounds like a steal... mine is $3000

Ultimately I think it comes down to how you divide/ co-mingle your assets.  If you keep things fairly separate, I think you are well within your rights to spend whatever you feel comfortable (and can afford) to spend on the wedding and tell him he can contribute if he wants to.  That said, I think you need to first sit down with him and go over a realistic budget for what things cost.  He may not have had any participation in planning his first and may have no idea what things actually cost.  

Your "must have" list sounds entirely reasonable and if as he says he doesn't want you to regret anything about the day then he will hopefully understand that some $ needs to be spent to achieve that.  

Also, I think there is an argument to be made that you should get to spend at least what he spent on his ATV... something for him, something for you! 

Knottie69225743

Obviously, he has NO idea how much a wedding costs, big or small. We are having a small wedding (40 guests). Our budget is $3000. I've worked SO hard to stretch every dollar. Here is the breakdown on costs...

Wedding gown from David's Bridal:$99 (I waited for their semi-annual clearance sale).

Alterations: $165

Accessories: $25 (I used websites like lightinthebox and amazon... and got a headpiece and jewelry for next to nothing)

Flower girl dress: $15.85 (I found it on clearance on Kohl's website, and it matches my dress perfectly)

Groom's attire:$100 (He's wearing a suit he already owns, but got a new shirt, tie and vest.

Ceremony & Reception Venue: $400

Photographer: $500 (I placed an ad on Thumbtack and got several responses. This photographer understands we have a budget and is giving us a tremendous break (his wedding packages usually start at $1500).

Officiant: $150

Flowers: $0  My aunt is growing all of the flowers we will be using in pots. Some will stay in pots for the wedding, some will go in vases.

Decor: $150- I am making EVERYTHING myself.

Food/Drink- $300 (We are not using a caterer. We are getting food from Costco and preparing it ourselves... Friends will help serve and clean-up).

Hair and make-up: $0 (I have a friend that is a stylist that is doing my hair and make-up as a gift.

Music: I have a friend that will be playing guitar and singing as a gift.

Invitations, etc.: $100 (We used e-vites for our save the dates, ordered our invitations online and used blank postcards we already had to make RSVPs).

Wedding week accomodations: $350 (We found a great place on airbnb to stay for four nights because or wedding is out of town).

geminimama16

Thanks! I agree, I think this was sticker shock to him. Also, maybe it wasn't a great idea to mention what may end up the most expensive part of the wedding first thing We haven't really talked about this further but I was hoping to have the wedding somewhere in the early fall next year so we have to start talking soon. I think he also thinks that I can plan a wedding overnight because he knows we won't have much extra $ to put down deposits on things until Feb -ish.