NWR: maybe I'm just reading too much into this...

tammym1001

So I got a lot of grief for having a small wedding and not inviting extended family. To the point that I had aunts threatening to crash my ceremony because it was "just so important for them to see me get married". So I know there are some hard feelings about my wedding, but it is what it is. So my wedding passed, no crashers, and these aunts that "just had to see me get married" never even so much as said congratulations on Facebook. Not a word, nothing. I don't really care, but that background information was needed for the rest of my post: 

A male cousin and his girlfriend are having a baby. I received an invitation to the baby shower yesterday. The return address on it was my aunt's address so I'm assuming it came from her. She knows I got married and yet she addressed the invitation to me with my maiden name. That coupled with them completely ignoring the fact that my wedding even happened (and some other family drama that I won't get into) makes me feel like they are being spiteful and trying to pretend like I never got married because they weren't there. 

 I know this is trivial, but it annoys the hell out of me. I may have also already been slightly annoyed because this is cousin's 3rd baby and 3rd baby shower.

Maggie0829

The only thing I can think of is that maybe they don't know that you changed your last name.  Also, it sometimes takes people a while to get used to automatically using your married name.  I know for a while I even used my maiden name when I signed things or in emails because I just wasn't used to my new name yet.  When you have been writing out one name for years it becomes a habit that takes some time to break.

But in the end she is probably doing it on purpose.  If you do decide to go I would make sure you write out your new last name in big bold letters.

I may have also already been slightly annoyed because this is cousin's 3rd baby and 3rd baby shower.

And tacky!

tammym1001

I'm actually not going anyways. Somehow they sent out invitations 2 months in advance and it's the one Saturday night in October that I already have something planned. The RSVP is to someone in the girl's family, but I'm RSVPing with my correct name and I'm guessing she won't know who I am, but that's not my problem.

I know they know I changed my name because I changed it on Facebook and they're on there all the time and have commented on other stuff I put on there under my new name. Plus there was a whole discussion with my grandma about our thank you card that she has sitting out that says "Mr. and Mrs. new last name". Basically, they say a bunch of crap behind my back and they think nobody tells me which makes me think they are being spiteful. I love family drama!

I tried to look the other way on the 3rd baby shower thing because it is the girl's first baby, but I think they should have been at least a little aware of the fact that we've all already given cousin multiple baby presents.

Maggie0829

Two months in advance for a baby shower?  Crazy!

And it seems like you made the right decision not inviting them to your wedding because they sound like crappy people.

afox007

tammym1001 said:

I'm actually not going anyways. Somehow they sent out invitations 2 months in advance and it's the one Saturday night in October that I already have something planned. The RSVP is to someone in the girl's family, but I'm RSVPing with my correct name and I'm guessing she won't know who I am, but that's not my problem.

I know they know I changed my name because I changed it on Facebook and they're on there all the time and have commented on other stuff I put on there under my new name. Plus there was a whole discussion with my grandma about our thank you card that she has sitting out that says "Mr. and Mrs. new last name". Basically, they say a bunch of crap behind my back and they think nobody tells me which makes me think they are being spiteful. I love family drama!

I tried to look the other way on the 3rd baby shower thing because it is the girl's first baby, but I think they should have been at least a little aware of the fact that we've all already given cousin multiple baby presents.

I thought the 3rd shower was tacky before seeing this new information. If it is her first baby I don't think it's as bad for her to have a shower. 

goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826

Sounds passive aggressive to me.  

And 3rd baby shower?  Wow.

My friend fell pregnant with her third child a month after she donated all the old baby clothes and sold the crib because she had an IUD put in and she said she wasn't having any more kids.  Ooops.  I wonder if that's the same scenario?

STARMOON44

goldchocobo said:

Sounds passive aggressive to me.  

And 3rd baby shower?  Wow.

My friend fell pregnant with her third child a month after she donated all the old baby clothes and sold the crib because she had an IUD put in and she said she wasn't having any more kids.  Ooops.  I wonder if that's the same scenario?

Nope. This is the mother's first baby and first shower. The father has 2 other children with different mothers. Which is a bad idea on many levels but I don't see the shower as a problem.

goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826

STARMOON44 said:

Sounds passive aggressive to me.  

And 3rd baby shower?  Wow.

My friend fell pregnant with her third child a month after she donated all the old baby clothes and sold the crib because she had an IUD put in and she said she wasn't having any more kids.  Ooops.  I wonder if that's the same scenario?

Nope. This is the mother's first baby and first shower. The father has 2 other children with different mothers. Which is a bad idea on many levels but I don't see the shower as a problem.

Ahhh, I get it.  Cool.

short+sassy

@goldchocobo...I don't know why, but your term "fell pregnant" really tickled my funny bone .

goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826

short+sassy said:

@goldchocobo...I don't know why, but your term "fell pregnant" really tickled my funny bone .

LOL I was reading some old school advice column a while back and that phrase has never left me :P

Fairyjen1

    I don't think it's tacky if it's her first baby. What is she supposed to do? Contact the ex-wife/baby momma for baby stuff from his first two kids? The point of the shower is to set her up with stuff she might need for a baby and a lot of ex partners aren't so keen on the new partner and probably won't cooperate. 

      I have a friend in this same situation who is having her first, but her husband has two teenagers from a previous marriage. I hear that they all get along fine with the ex-wife but I doubt she saved any baby stuff (the step kids are 13 and 17).

    Maybe in this case you are only supposed to invite her side to a baby shower?

    Then again, my family has a shower for every child regardless of the number. Granted after the first it's a small, family only excuse to eat cake and gossip. So maybe my opinion shouldn't count. 

     I agree, though, they should have used your married name on the invite. 

tammym1001

fdjlka

Sounds really rude and deliberate and passive aggressive.  It's amazing how some adult older ladies still act like mean girls in HS... I would politely decline with my new last name and then send a congratulations card to the couple.  If they knew you were getting married--to the point of throwing a fit that you were keeping it small--and still did not say so much of a congrats or send a card, then I wouldn't bother with a gift.  Also, it is very tacky/poor etiquette to be having a shower for the 3rd child, regardless of the gender.