"That won't happen to me" re:invites: YES IT WILL

classyduck

So, prior to my sending out invites, I read a LOT on these boards about that whole nightmare. People showing up with their uninvited children, their uninvited but assumed +1s, etc. I'm like, wow, these posters know some really rude people. Glad I won't have to deal with that.

I WAS SO NAIVE.

1. Coworker: My Husband has to work that night, so can I bring my daughter instead? I thought it could be a fun "Mommy daughter" night out.

My internal response: Not on my dime.

My external response: We decided to invite all our relatives regardless of age, so children of family are invited. Unfortunately, we weren't able to invite the children of coworkers or friends, and we don't wish to show favoritism or insult our guests. So no.

2. Friend: Can I bring my babies? (twin girls, about 16 months) We decided to invite all our relatives regardless of age, so children of family are invited. Unfortunately, we weren't able to invite the children of coworkers or friends, and we don't wish to show favoritism or insult our guests. So no.

Friend: But you already have shown favoritism, and you will insult people.

Me: *silence, brooding, and anger* We look forward to you and your husband attending our wedding! *grins through clenched teeth*

3. Good guy friend: Hey -- I got your invite today! So excited. Also, I have some really great news.... call me!

Me: Ooh! Is it what I think?! Shall I send out an invite to a certain someone *wink*?

(Ok, this was admittedly a STUPID response. I assumed. Dumb. But everytime he contacted me it was about this girl. But... not this time.)

Good guy friend: Um... well no. But I got that promotion! [details about promotion]. But hey, maybe I can find a +1 to bring.

4. My venue will prepare a child's meal which is infinitely cheaper than the adult meal choices, which are all $20+, and I know a young child will not eat or even enjoy. Unfortunately, the RSVPs were not sent out according to my specifications, so guests are indicating adult meal choices for their toddlers. I would like to call and clarify with them that we wish to provide a kid-friendly meal for their young ones, instead of a $20+ meal that they will most likely just pick at, but I don't know how to do this tactfully! Of course I wouldn't cite cost, but how on earth do I do this?

chibiyui

I kinda feel like instead of saying the whole "We're inviting family regardless of age, so children of family are invited. Unfortunately, we weren't able to invite the child of coworkers or friends, would wish to show favoritisim." thing you should just say "We aren't able to accommodate everyone we'd like too." If anyone wants to pester about 3 year old cousin Braydon, then they can look like assholes. 

Your friend was crazy out of line for that response though. 

......Can you just switch the majority of kids under the age of say, 5-8 to the childrens meal anyway? If you're worried about fall out, I'd just call them up and say, "Oh, I'm sorry about the rsvp, does little Jaxon want a kids meal?"

classyduck

The problem is, the RSVP only asks for the number of each meal, not WHOM prefers each meal. So  now I have to follow  up with everyone about who wants what. It's really dumb. I greatly regret the way this RSVP was formatted, to say the least.

I do plan to encourage child meals though... but the first person I confronted seemed insulted. Really? You think your picky kids are going to enjoy pecan crusted chicken and green beans almondine? NO.

classyduck

And by picky kids, I mean 4  year olds that really are pretty picky.

STARMOON44

It sounds like you just don't want to spend the money on kids. I'd drop it. Don't make your guests feel awkward because of a mistake on your end. It's chicken and green beans not raw brains.

AddieCake

If you are going to call, I would just laughing say you meant to offer a child's meal option and you were just calling to see if the child would prefer that. Don't try to encourage or push it on them; simply cheerfully let it be known it's a choice.

indianaalum

classyduck said:

The problem is, the RSVP only asks for the number of each meal, not WHOM prefers each meal. So  now I have to follow  up with everyone about who wants what. It's really dumb. I greatly regret the way this RSVP was formatted, to say the least.

I do plan to encourage child meals though... but the first person I confronted seemed insulted. Really? You think your picky kids are going to enjoy pecan crusted chicken and green beans almondine? NO.

Maybe I am wrong, but if they are in the "kid" range, I would automatically give them the kids meal. The only time I actually gave a choice was to someone right at the age cutoff (like teens)

MobKaz

indianaalum said:

classyduck said:

The problem is, the RSVP only asks for the number of each meal, not WHOM prefers each meal. So  now I have to follow  up with everyone about who wants what. It's really dumb. I greatly regret the way this RSVP was formatted, to say the least.

I do plan to encourage child meals though... but the first person I confronted seemed insulted. Really? You think your picky kids are going to enjoy pecan crusted chicken and green beans almondine? NO.

Maybe I am wrong, but if they are in the "kid" range, I would automatically give them the kids meal. The only time I actually gave a choice was to someone right at the age cutoff (like teens)

I would disagree with this.  My 8 year old nephew downed his "adult" plate of filet.  My 14 year old niece actually preferred options on the children's menu.  For the few children it impacted in our situation, we let them select their preferences.  The RSVP cards indicated the adult and children selections.  If a child selected an adult entree, we were fine with it.  Just as there was more than one adult choice, there was more than one child choice.

photokitty

MobKaz said:

indianaalum said:

classyduck said:

The problem is, the RSVP only asks for the number of each meal, not WHOM prefers each meal. So  now I have to follow  up with everyone about who wants what. It's really dumb. I greatly regret the way this RSVP was formatted, to say the least.

I do plan to encourage child meals though... but the first person I confronted seemed insulted. Really? You think your picky kids are going to enjoy pecan crusted chicken and green beans almondine? NO.

Maybe I am wrong, but if they are in the "kid" range, I would automatically give them the kids meal. The only time I actually gave a choice was to someone right at the age cutoff (like teens)

I would disagree with this.  My 8 year old nephew downed his "adult" plate of filet.  My 14 year old niece actually preferred options on the children's menu.  For the few children it impacted in our situation, we let them select their preferences.  The RSVP cards indicated the adult and children selections.  If a child selected an adult entree, we were fine with it.  Just as there was more than one adult choice, there was more than one child choice.


One more example of why had a buffet. The kids were all given plated kids meals, but they were allowed to go up and get something off the buffet if they wished and it didn't change our costs. The real cost difference was still not having to pay for the alcohol port head on the kids.

hanjoy

If it makes you feel any better we gave every single person on our guest list a plus one and we are STILL having issues  

jerkyanne

I had the opposite problem.  A few members of my FH's family (who are ridiculously picky eaters as adults) called to ask if they were allowed to have the kid's option which is chicken fingers.  haha.  If I could have allowed them to get it I would have, but the venue only allowed the kid's option for kids under 12.

Though OP, I would not try to convince your friends to make their kids change their food option.  You can offer if you really think they didn't know.  But while it's clear on my RSVP that there is a kid's option and says 12 and under next to it, I have some kid's who want the regular meal.  I am paying for it for them.  Because those 4 year olds are my guests too.  Just as it is not my place to call Uncle Bob and say "I think you would like the roast beef more than the pork, you should change your choice" it is also not my place to tell the kids what they would prefer.  My 20 month old loved the Cajun pork with bleu cheese sauce at the tasting.  So you don't know. 

classyduck

Well, I'm not going to make an issue of it, to be sure. If they really want their kids to have the adult meal option, fine. I'm just annoyed the wedding planner changed "adult meal choices:" to "meal choices:", yet she insists that it will be more appropriate to give kids a child's meal. I can't believe she didn't understand the can of worms she was going to be opening -- I knew before they were ever sent this was going to be a problem. Cursing myself for not speaking up/insisting otherwise. I think she was just trying to avoid anything that sounded like "adults only unless your kids are invited" on the invite... but the result is a confusing meal selection.

Sigh. She's been great about everything else, just not super happy with the invite wording. Anyway, I'm sure I'll work it out.

MyNameIsNot

classyduck said:

The problem is, the RSVP only asks for the number of each meal, not WHOM prefers each meal. So  now I have to follow  up with everyone about who wants what. It's really dumb. I greatly regret the way this RSVP was formatted, to say the least.

I do plan to encourage child meals though... but the first person I confronted seemed insulted. Really? You think your picky kids are going to enjoy pecan crusted chicken and green beans almondine? NO.

Actually, yeah.  Pecan crusted chicken is really just a dressed up version of a chicken finger. 

Call the families with children and let them know that the children's menu is available, and ask if they want to switch.  Don't pressure them.  I get that there was a mistake with the RSVP cards, but it isn't the guests' fault.

Also, stop telling people about your cut off for children and the guest list.  That's just inviting trouble.  

huskypuppy14

I didn't have any of these problems, but I guess it's rare.

 I don't understand your issue with #3. You opened the door so it's sounds like your friend was trying to make it less awkward. Not all children eat off the children's menu. I never did. Also some parents want their children to eat "adult food". 

 I agree with that. Now I understand you don't want to pay extra for children, and paying adult prices for a 2 year old sounds ridiculous. However, you will just have to call people and ask them if their child would prefer the children's meal. 

I had stations and everyone had the same food but I got to pay less for under 12.

melbenso

classyduck said:

The problem is, the RSVP only asks for the number of each meal, not WHOM prefers each meal. So  now I have to follow  up with everyone about who wants what. It's really dumb. I greatly regret the way this RSVP was formatted, to say the least.

I do plan to encourage child meals though... but the first person I confronted seemed insulted. Really? You think your picky kids are going to enjoy pecan crusted chicken and green beans almondine? NO.

My RSVP asked for guests to initial their meal choice, and I still got half of them back with check marks instead.  You will have to make some calls.  It's a pain, but it's not the end of the world.  For the ones we weren't able to get a hold of, we just made sure that the couple got one of meal X and one of meal Y and figured they could switch plates if they wanted.

And regarding the children's meals - was it clear that there was a kids meal option?  If so, and a parent selected an adult meal for their child, then that's what they want for their child to eat.  It would be against etiquette to force a guest - even a young guest - to have a meal other than the one they chose because it costs you less money.  However, if it wasn't clear from the invite, I don't see anything wrong with calling and saying, "I was just wondering if you would prefer the kids meal of X for little Billy."  If they say no, though, little Billy gets his grown up meal.

ElcaB

There are many instances during wedding planning where I read things on TK and thought, "MWAHAHAHAA, that would never happen in my family/friends group," only to find out I was so, so, so, SO wrong. Welcome to the dark side. 

Fortunately it hasn't happened yet with RSVPs, but I'm fairly certain that's only because we've gotten less than 20 back so far. I've already heard that our friend, who did not receive a plus one (due to his impending singledom and the fact that there is NO ONE romantic on his radar combined with the other fact that he will know tons of people at the wedding), is on the hunt for a lady to bring as his date. Sigh. We'll cross that bridge when we get to it. 

As for the kids meals, I'd call up your pals and say, "I just wanted to let you know we have a children's menu for the wedding. Would little Johnny prefer chicken fingers and fries over the adult meals?"

princessleia22

classyduck said:

The problem is, the RSVP only asks for the number of each meal, not WHOM prefers each meal. So  now I have to follow  up with everyone about who wants what. It's really dumb. I greatly regret the way this RSVP was formatted, to say the least.

I do plan to encourage child meals though... but the first person I confronted seemed insulted. Really? You think your picky kids are going to enjoy pecan crusted chicken and green beans almondine? NO.

When you contact them, I would present it as an option for the kids, not a requirement. Just say, "Oh, so our RVSP's mistakenly failed to mention that we have a kids meal available. I know that some kids prefer familiar foods and not all of them would appreciate the adult choices, so I just wanted to check and see if Little Bobby would prefer Chicken Nuggets & French Fries instead of the Pecan Crusted Chicken and Green Beams Almondine?...  Oh, he'd rather have the Filet Minon and Asparagus... great, I'll let the caterer know."  Most families probably will choose to have the kids choice, but maybe not all of them.  But, if they say they prefer the adult choice, I'd let them get it.  It's kind of hard to remove that choice after it was offered.  But, I don't see anything rude in presenting the kids meal as an alternative choice.

AprilH81

jerkyanne said:

I had the opposite problem.  A few members of my FH's family (who are ridiculously picky eaters as adults) called to ask if they were allowed to have the kid's option which is chicken fingers.  haha.  If I could have allowed them to get it I would have, but the venue only allowed the kid's option for kids under 12.

Though OP, I would not try to convince your friends to make their kids change their food option.  You can offer if you really think they didn't know.  But while it's clear on my RSVP that there is a kid's option and says 12 and under next to it, I have some kid's who want the regular meal.  I am paying for it for them.  Because those 4 year olds are my guests too.  Just as it is not my place to call Uncle Bob and say "I think you would like the roast beef more than the pork, you should change your choice" it is also not my place to tell the kids what they would prefer.  My 20 month old loved the Cajun pork with bleu cheese sauce at the tasting.  So you don't know. 

That happened to me too!  We put an insert into the invitations for those with kids saying that there was an option for a kids meal but they could eat of the regular menu, just let us know what the kid(s) wanted.  Two adults asked for the kids meal and our food was "comfort food" of meatloaf, pork chops, and chicken.  Nothing fancy at all.

acaton5

We just received an RSVP card that included not only the couple we explicitly invited, but also their 2 adult children (definitely not mentioned on the invite and NOT invited) and a freaking grandkid. WTF.

Fran1985

We received one from an aunt with her name on the line, and the number 3. I am pretty sure she is responding for 2 out of her 3 kids (who live with her but did get their own invite) but no names on it.

classyduck

I'm sorry this reply is so late, and I don't mean to resurrect this thread, but I do want to thank all the posters for their great advice. I've been VERY busy these last weeks and have not been able to stay on top of any of my usual social media outlets.

Anyway, couple of responses:

It was never my intention to exclude children from receiving an adult meal if that is what was their wish, but, it DOES seem that this was the intention of my wedding planner. Worse, she made this whole selection process very opaque to guests, which really is my main gripe. But, I will not fight my guests! If they want their kids to have an adult meal, I will gladly pay for it.

I definitely invited trouble with response #3, I recognize that, even as I made this post, sorry if I didn't convey that. My difficulty is, though, that I've encountered a similar problem with individuals where I know I did NOT invite such controversy...

And thanks to everyone for commiserating! Truly, though, I'm just glad for every RSVP I get that indicates acceptance of invitation. I can't wait to see all these people.