Update to "am I wrong" (PPD)

jeng507

I posted the other day about my cousins PPD and out of town reception (that was supposedly "immediate family only") that I was not invited to, but invited to the shower and in town reception next week. So the "real wedding" aka out of town renewal of vows (since she's been secretly married for 1.5 yrs) was this past weekend and it most definitely was NOT immediate family only.....it wasn't even FAMILY only! I saw multiple Facebook posts tagging the bride from friends of hers and her "new" husband. The bride has 2 sisters and the groom has 1 brother....so the number of family members had to top out at 10(including +1). Yet there were over 40 people in attendance. 

I don't know why this bothers me so much but it really does!! I get that its her day and she can really invite whoever she wants but I think it is totally disrespectful to lie and say its an "intimate immediate family only" ceremony when that clearly wasn't the case. To me, its a complete slap in the face saying "my friends mean way more to me than you and any other family member do". BTW I'm 6 months pregnant so maybe its the hormones but I seriously want to say something!! I was very close to posting on the one FB picture "Congrats! Wish we were there." But I refrained. I don't want to start a family argument but I really want her to know that I think it is so incredibly rude how she did this and that I KNOW it wasn't family only, and so does everyone else! We aren't dumb. Sorry I guess this is more of a vent than anything 

MandyMost

It sounds like the only family invited was immediate family, and then they also invited friends. 

Honestly, I think there are about a million rude things they did here involving the PPD and inviting people to a shower not invited to the ceremony....but they are not obligated to invite you to their wedding just because you are family. It sounds as if it's accurate that their friends mean more to them than their extended family. That's the case for many people. I think it would have been better for her to tell you and others that the ceremony was for their closest friends and family, as they are trying to keep it very small, they are not inviting all of the aunts/uncles/cousins, as opposed to simply stating "Immediate family only"...but really, just because you have a relative in common does not mean you should get a wedding invite. Especially instead of a friend she is very close to. 

jeng507

Right but then why should I be invited to her shower and be expected to buy her a gift (oh sorry, gift card only)? And the in town reception is next weekend so I get to shell out more money for a gift for that too. All while she has been married for a year and a half, but no one is supposed to know that. If I had more balls, I should have declined the shower AND in town reception and saved my money. But of course I feel obligated to not rock the boat. 

Liatris2010

jeng507 said:

Right but then why should I be invited to her shower and be expected to buy her a gift (oh sorry, gift card only)? And the in town reception is next weekend so I get to shell out more money for a gift for that too. All while she has been married for a year and a half, but no one is supposed to know that. If I had more balls, I should have declined the shower AND in town reception and saved my money. But of course I feel obligated to not rock the boat. 

Yes you should have. Everything she is doing is rude and I would be offended too. But you chose to attend the shower and committed to going to the AHR, so the only person to blame is yourself. In the future remember that you can decline an invitation without giving an excuse. That should keep the boat from rocking.

RebeccaFlower

jeng507 said:

Right but then why should I be invited to her shower and be expected to buy her a gift (oh sorry, gift card only)? And the in town reception is next weekend so I get to shell out more money for a gift for that too. All while she has been married for a year and a half, but no one is supposed to know that. If I had more balls, I should have declined the shower AND in town reception and saved my money. But of course I feel obligated to not rock the boat. 

See but this is why 'brides' think they can get away with this crap. No one says anything and they keep it moving.  

While I don't think you should say anything, I would not feel bad at all about not bringing a gift. 

OliveOilsMom

If you feel this way, then decline the AHR or attend and don't give a gift.  Gifts aren't a necessity. 

photokitty

I'd give a nice card full of well wishes and that's it. This "bride" sucks and you have every right to be offended and hurt.

KatieinBkln

It's not too late to bow out of the AHR. Save yourself the grief! 

MairePoppy

I agree with you. There are so many etiquette rules being broken, it's hard to decide where to start. The bride is no longer a bride and shouldn't be having a shower, at all, since she's already married. Only those who are invited to an actual, real wedding ceremony should be invited to a shower. Requesting gift cards for a shower or even a wedding is the same as asking for cash. Very rude. I would decline the shower, say something has come up and will not be able to attend.

  This shower and 2! PPDs are shameless bids for gifts and attention. If for some reason you want to attend the at home reception, you aren't required to bring a gift. I'm sure you won't be the only guest who shows up empty handed. TBH, I'd decline all invitations related to this fiasco.

mrs4everhart

I don't understand AHR's as gift giving occasions firstly. So go if you want to, just don't bring a gift.

Not sure what to say about the shower thing - seems rude to invite someone to a shower who isn't invited to the wedding.

I'd let the whole thing go though. You now know she has friends more important to her than you are. Ok. I'm sure you can live with that. Just remember that as you allow this to have sway over and ultimately hurt your feelings.

SP29

Well, I will say I have a close group of friends who are more important to me than some of my family members, so being family alone doesn't get you an invite to the wedding.

However, everything else this bride is doing is wrong from the get go. 

You don't have to attend the AHR, or if you do decide to go, then you are also not obligated to bring a gift. A gift should never be expected. 

MyNameIsNot

I would attend the AHR with a card only.

And I would get a little tipsy and "let it slip" that the couple had been married for over a year already to anyone I happened to talk to.  

Nymeru

I wouldn't bother with a gift of any sort for her at all. At best, bring a card, but even then you don't have to do that either. If you do want to give her a gift, maybe do one of those Etsy things where it says "first day, yes day, best day" for the first date, engagement and wedding days, BUT...you label it "real day, fake day, all about the presents day" with "happy almost 2nd wedding anniversary" at the bottom. Don't bother wrapping it. Just display it proudly on top of the rest of her gifts.

badbnagdway

If I invite all of my cousins, aunts, uncles and their requisite spouses/partners/whatnot that would add 35 people to my guest list. These are mostly people I haven't seen in forever, who I don't care if they come to my wedding, some of whom actually make me uncomfortable. If I do not invite anyone from the larger (30 person) side of the family I will use the excuse of "we're having a small wedding" and "we can't afford to invite everyone". 

In reality our invite list will probably be 98 people, which by some standards isn't that small. 

I feel like despite generally rude behavior your cousin was trying to cut off the guest list to a number she felt comfortable with in a way that was as polite as she could manage. 

I do agree that you should not have been invited to a shower though, other than work showers I don't think people should be invited to showers who are not invited to the wedding.