Moms and Maids

How to prevent mom from ruining the day..

bizzy592bizzy592 member
250 Love Its Third Anniversary 100 Comments Name Dropper
edited September 2014 in Moms and Maids
I'm hoping that I can get advice from you all on something which is leaving me anxious about the big day.  I hate drama. I don't ever want a scene. This is supposed to be a celebration of the love that I share with a wonderful man, and the life that we've chosen to spend together. Unfortunately, my strained relationship with my mother has me nervous that she'll make the day all about her drama, and her negativity.

My mother is a difficult person, at best. She's got some mental health issues (bi-polar and narcissism). What that means, in terms of her behavior, is that it's next to impossible for her to put other people ahead of herself. She thinks it's funny to belch in public places, to call out from the audience in shows, and to make light of that which is precious to others. She thinks it's fine to talk politics/religion/money, even when it makes others uncomfortable. Despite all that, she takes offense at the smallest perceived slight (and has no problem making a scene - in fact, she enjoys being the center of attention). Frankly, I would prefer not to have her present on my wedding day - I've seen her ruin special events for too many people to expect better results this time around. However, that would lead to more drama, for countless years. How can I keep her on mute? Do I hire a babysitter for her? Do I give her a 'talking-to' in advance? On the one hand, I feel that it's necessary to do something to keep her from ruining our day, but on the other, she might fly off the handle if she feels insulted (and would likely bring this up on my wedding day, in front of others, making me look like the bad guy).

Please help!

Re: How to prevent mom from ruining the day..

  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I'm hoping that I can get advice from you all on something which is leaving me anxious about the big day.  I hate drama. I don't ever want a scene. This is supposed to be a celebration of the love that I share with a wonderful man, and the life that we've chosen to spend together. Unfortunately, my strained relationship with my mother has me nervous that she'll make the day all about her drama, and her negativity.

    My mother is a difficult person, at best. She's got some mental health issues (bi-polar and narcissism). What that means, in terms of her behavior, is that it's next to impossible for her to put other people ahead of herself. She thinks it's funny to belch in public places, to call out from the audience in shows, and to make light of that which is precious to others. She thinks it's fine to talk politics/religion/money, even when it makes others uncomfortable. Despite all that, she takes offense at the smallest perceived slight (and has no problem making a scene - in fact, she enjoys being the center of attention). Frankly, I would prefer not to have her present on my wedding day - I've seen her ruin special events for too many people to expect better results this time around. However, that would lead to more drama, for countless years. How can I keep her on mute? Do I hire a babysitter for her? Do I give her a 'talking-to' in advance? On the one hand, I feel that it's necessary to do something to keep her from ruining our day, but on the other, she might fly off the handle if she feels insulted (and would likely bring this up on my wedding day, in front of others, making me look like the bad guy).

    Please help!
    First thing I would do is have someone at the ready, security, wedding planner, day of coordinator to be ready to escort your mother out of your wedding, since she has a history of acting out at big events. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Know that if you do not invite your mother to your wedding, you could be permanently ruining the relationship, if any, you have with your mom. If you are ok with that, then do not invite her. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Is there anyone who your mom actually respects and is on her "best" behavior for? If yes, then see if that person can accompany your mom to the wedding, sit next to her during the ceremony and at her table at the reception. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Lastly, and I know you didn't ask this, but have you had counseling over your mother? It could be beneficial to you. You cannot control how your mother acts, but you can control how you react to your mother. Speaking with a counselor could help you develop techniques in how to deal with her. And I think that @CMGragain could help too.
    MairePoppy
  • Thanks OliveOil, I appreciate that.

    I have spent a long time working through methods for coping with her behavior, and on ways to deal with her, with and without the help of a counselor. Her reaction to a direct response is typically escalation, so I usually try to remove myself from the situation.. Not really an option for my wedding day. But you're right - having someone there to sit by her might help. I hadn't thought of hiring security, but perhaps I can discuss with the coordinator how to have someone there discretely (or I can just feel like Kimye, surrounded by bouncers haha). Thanks again.


  • I agree if you don't invite her, she will use this to play the victim and make a ton of drama. Personally, I wouldn't go down that road, unless you plan to sever your relationship with her or deal with the repercussions for YEARS. She'll play this up to YOUR grandkids if she's still alive. 

    I would probably just go about the wedding as normal. Inevitably, she will try to cause some sort of drama - whether she picks out a wedding dress/something super slutty to wear, tells you your wedding will be ruined by XYZ, etc. She'll do something to stir the pot, so I'd just be prepared to deal with that and let it roll off you. Give your DJ the heads up that she's not to have the mic at any time. She controls and has influence over others by soliciting negative attention and stirring up trouble. Don't buy it.

    If she's narcissistic, she will try to take attention away from you. It'll be hard, but don't let this bother you. Everyone knows the bride and groom are the stars of the show and anyone trying to outshine them just looks like an idiot. Let her look like an idiot.

    Presumably, your family knows her and they know what she's like. If she makes a scene, I'm guessing the only people who will be surprised are your FI's family and your friends who don't know your mom. I agree with @OliveOilsMom to have security there to escort her out and a cab company on speed dial (in case she drinks), if she becomes disruptive or violent since she won't be getting the attention she thinks she deserves.
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  • We have a knottie here who has given much great advice about narcisstic mothers. @CMGragain - batsignal to @CMGragain can you offer some words of wisdom here for this young bride?
    MairePoppyMobKazspglsp
  • As the newly engaged daughter of a narc mother, I feel your pain. From the day i announced my engagement, she's been on overdrive. Is she still with your dad? Maybe he can reign her in on the day so to speak? I think if you mention your fears to her, she will just play on them. I think you just have to be prepared and have a plan ready for it/when it occurs.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker}
    JeeGooDowster
  • I have a Narc mother and a Narc sister.  I am not in contact with my mother anymore, but my sister will be at my wedding in May.  My brother and I have a thing we call The Crazy Cancellation Factor (CCF).  What this means is that whenever we have a gathering that includes my sister, we also invite someone whose presence makes my sister want to hide her nutty behavior.  In the case of my wedding, this person is her bff, a woman who I like and enjoy...so everyone wins.  Her BFF does know the role she is playing, but still giving my sister the CCF she needs has relieved a lot of my anxiety. 
  • At my wedding, I  went with the flow.  Narc Mom was totally uninterested until we went shopping for the dress - HER dress, that is.  She found a gown she loved, and I told her how beautiful she looked in it.  She could hardly wait to wear it.  After that, the negativity about my wedding stopped.  As long as she was focused on her appearance, she was happy.  She only got upset once, when I told her the ex-husbands couldn't be invited, at least not without their current wives!  As if.
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    bizzy592
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