Altar servers

decembergrl2014

I teach 7th grade religion at my church, and am planning on asking one of my students and her brother to be the altar servers at my ceremony. With that in mind, would I be obligated to invite them and their parents to the reception as well? I don't see them outside of church and class, but I wouldn't want to offend them either.

photokitty

I would. Otherwise I would ask the priest to select from the list of alter servers who serve at weddings. If these two are on that list he could specifically ask them. If you do not ask them as a favor/honor then they would be vendors, bc you pay alter servers for their time and services, and you would not be obligated invite them to the reception.

RebeccaFlower

I think you should. 

OliveOilsMom

And don't forget to tip whoever ends up serving!

MNVegas

Since you are asking them to serve your ceremony, I would invite them.

daria24

Yes you should invite them. I had friends that were often asked, by the priest, to serve at weddings/funerals, and they did not expect to be invited to the reception/luncheon. But if the bride & groom are asking? You should invite. 

indianaalum

This is where I will "caution" you on this. This is a little tricky. In theory, if you invite someone to participate in your ceremony, they should be invited to the wedding. HOWEVER, these are your STUDENTS, so inviting them to your wedding would be unprofessional and crossing a professional working line boundary. Also, keep this in mind, if you are asking them personally, it could also appear as favoritism among your students with whom you do not ask which could set up some issues for you later as their teacher. I think you are better of either a) just letting the priest choose or b) being discreet and letting priest know you are interested in them doing it, but your name should never be attached as "asking" for them by name (which in some ways is a sneaky so not the best)

APDSS22

I have served as an altar server for a wedding before and was not invited to the reception afterwards.  It didn't bother me because I was asked to cover that part of the rotation as if it were any other mass.  I think it would've been different if it was someone who specifically asked for me. 

Personally, I would just let the priest or the altar server coordinator pick out which ones will serve so you're not playing favorites and don't feel obligated to invite them to the reception.

decembergrl2014

@indianaalum‌ ...I didn't really think of it like that. She is the only one in my class who is an altar server, which is why I was going to ask her. I told my class that they are all invited to the ceremony. I definitely don't want to come across as playing favorites, and I would feel kind of weird inviting them to the wedding. They're a nice family, but they wouldn't know anyone. Maybe I will just let the priest assign someone. If he happens to assign her and her brother, then so be it, and I'll consider them vendors, as @photokitty said.

holyguacamole79

decembergrl2014 said:

@indianaalum‌ ...I didn't really think of it like that. She is the only one in my class who is an altar server, which is why I was going to ask her. I told my class that they are all invited to the ceremony. I definitely don't want to come across as playing favorites, and I would feel kind of weird inviting them to the wedding. They're a nice family, but they wouldn't know anyone. Maybe I will just let the priest assign someone. If he happens to assign her and her brother, then so be it, and I'll consider them vendors, as @photokitty said.

I'd caution you from inviting people to the ceremony only. It's considered to be rude.

Maggie0829

decembergrl2014 said:

@indianaalum‌ ...I didn't really think of it like that. She is the only one in my class who is an altar server, which is why I was going to ask her. I told my class that they are all invited to the ceremony. I definitely don't want to come across as playing favorites, and I would feel kind of weird inviting them to the wedding. They're a nice family, but they wouldn't know anyone. Maybe I will just let the priest assign someone. If he happens to assign her and her brother, then so be it, and I'll consider them vendors, as @photokitty said.

This is also crossing the line of professionalism.  These children are your students, not friends.  I know that teachers can get close to all of their students but you still need to maintain a professional line.  Inviting them to come to your wedding ceremony is pretty much erasing that line and could potentially remove the respect they have for you as a teacher because they will now see you more as friend rather then a superior.

photokitty

sarahbear31 said:

decembergrl2014 said:

@indianaalum‌ ...I didn't really think of it like that. She is the only one in my class who is an altar server, which is why I was going to ask her. I told my class that they are all invited to the ceremony. I definitely don't want to come across as playing favorites, and I would feel kind of weird inviting them to the wedding. They're a nice family, but they wouldn't know anyone. Maybe I will just let the priest assign someone. If he happens to assign her and her brother, then so be it, and I'll consider them vendors, as @photokitty said.

I'd caution you from inviting people to the ceremony only. It's considered to be rude.

To me this is borderline - like the pastor announcing "next Saturday Susie CongregationMember is getting married at 2pm." 

I don't see if as erasing the professionalism line, but it could stem from me attending a small Catholic school. When you grow up attending mass and sacraments with your teachers  think you assume that that will be at your life events in the church, like first communion, reconciliation and confirmation, and if they were to receive a sacrament - marriage - that you could celebrate int he sacrament as well. 

I still think if you ask them to be alters revers this an honor and to not invite them to the ceremony would be rude. Also most wedding servers are the high schoolers as it requires knowing a doing a little more than the standard mass. 

MairePoppy

I'm going to look at this from a different angle.

In the Catholic Church, marriage is a sacrament. Any member of the church may attend the ceremony. Since your students are in 7th grade,  you are probably helping them  prep for confirmation or have just celebrated their confirmations.  If @decembergrl2014 issues a general invitation, announcement to her students to attend her ceremony, rather than handing them individually addressed invitations, I don't think they or their parents will expect to be invited to the reception. My (former) church still practices the tradition of publishing bans in the weekly bulletin. If that's the case in decembergrl's church, she doesn't even have to issue a personal announce, because the church will do it for her.

Also, OP if are you a volunteer religious ed instructor at your church. I think that's very different from a paid public school teacher. 

I agree with the others that it would be best to have the priest ask the brother and sister serve at your wedding. It doesn't put them on the spot, if they don't want to do it. And you should tip them. When my daughter was an altar server, she was frequently asked to serve at weddings. When couples didn't tip, the priest took $20 out of his own pocket for each server.

OliveOilsMom

When I was in 3rd grade at Catholic school, our teacher was getting married.  She did invite us to the ceremony so that we could witness the sacrament of marriage.  They did have cake & punch in the church basement afterwards.  I'm not sure if they had a bigger reception later or not.  So in the same vein as photokitty and Mariepoppy said, I don't think there is a problem inviting the kids to the ceremony while crossing professional boundaries.  Things are just different when you attend small private schools, I guess. 

decembergrl2014

@MariePoppy...that's exactly what it is for me. I am a volunteer religion teacher at my church one night a week, and yes, they do publish the Banns of Marriage in the bulletins. (There are 2 other weddings taking place there before mine.) Yes, they are preparing for their Confirmation, which will take place at the end of January. I already told my class that they could come to the ceremony if they want to. As for one of my students being an altar server, I'll talk to my priest about it, and whomever does it will receive a tip.

JBee85

decembergrl2014 said:

I teach 7th grade religion at my church, and am planning on asking one of my students and her brother to be the altar servers at my ceremony. With that in mind, would I be obligated to invite them and their parents to the reception as well? I don't see them outside of church and class, but I wouldn't want to offend them either.

I will say this as a teacher... anytime you invite a minor ANYWHERE outside of school, then you MUST invite parents. A reception that serves alcohol and with an unaccompanied minor attending will place you under serious liability. You are going to be busy attending to your own affairs and cannot chaperon a child. 

You don't need altar servers for a Catholic wedding. They are optional. Also, are you THAT comfortable sharing your personal life with a student and their parents? I would be afraid of someone from either your family or friends getting a little too drunk and saying/doing something that may offend the parent and it reflects back on you professionally AND personally. Since you don't know this parent well... I don't think it's wise to bring students to your wedding (and if you disagree because it's a private school... I was a catholic school teacher and I still wouldn't do it).

JBee85

indianaalum said:

This is where I will "caution" you on this. This is a little tricky. In theory, if you invite someone to participate in your ceremony, they should be invited to the wedding. HOWEVER, these are your STUDENTS, so inviting them to your wedding would be unprofessional and crossing a professional working line boundary. Also, keep this in mind, if you are asking them personally, it could also appear as favoritism among your students with whom you do not ask which could set up some issues for you later as their teacher.

I cannot agree with this anymore. Please don't do it, OP.

ohmrs2014

I don't look at like crossing the line of professionalism. My sister and I attended Catholic School. When she was in the 3rd grade, her teacher was married. I remember my sister and her classmates after school being so excited for their teacher, that she actually invited them to the ceremony. The parents, including mine, thought it was sweet and thought it was an experience that they should witness, another sacrament. That being said, I would let the priest select the altar servers. I agree with the posts about it showing favoritism.

rsbloom

I was an altar server at my k-8 catholic school, I was a volunteer in the youth ministry at my church, and I am a teacher now.

I don't think this crosses the line of professionalism at all.  This is a religious class and a religious event.  My 5th grade teacher invited us all to her ceremony, because she was getting married at the church the school was attached to.  No one expected us to be invited to the reception, and no parents had a problem with this.

Also, this sounds more like a catechism class, not a private school or public school classroom class.  Catechism teachers are more like mentors than teachers.  They have a more personal relationship with the students, like a counselor, not a classroom teacher.   I, being a classroom teacher, would NOT invite my current students to my wedding, because I have a professional relationship with them, but if I were still volunteering with the Youth Ministry at my church, I would have no qualms about inviting those kids to the ceremony.

However, I would go through the priest to set up your student as the altar server.   They aren't regularly scheduled events, so your student wouldn't find out if they were requested or not by you. In fact, the priest might even suggest her anyway, because she IS your student.  Personally inviting someone to partake in your ceremony, would mean an invite is necessary.

ohmrs2014

rsbloom said:

I was an altar server at my k-8 catholic school, I was a volunteer in the youth ministry at my church, and I am a teacher now.

I don't think this crosses the line of professionalism at all.  This is a religious class and a religious event.  My 5th grade teacher invited us all to her ceremony, because she was getting married at the church the school was attached to.  No one expected us to be invited to the reception, and no parents had a problem with this.

Also, this sounds more like a catechism class, not a private school or public school classroom class.  Catechism teachers are more like mentors than teachers.  They have a more personal relationship with the students, like a counselor, not a classroom teacher.   I, being a classroom teacher, would NOT invite my current students to my wedding, because I have a professional relationship with them, but if I were still volunteering with the Youth Ministry at my church, I would have no qualms about inviting those kids to the ceremony.

However, I would go through the priest to set up your student as the altar server.   They aren't regularly scheduled events, so your student wouldn't find out if they were requested or not by you. In fact, the priest might even suggest her anyway, because she IS your student.  Personally inviting someone to partake in your ceremony, would mean an invite is necessary.

To the bolded, my sister's 3rd grade teacher was also married the school's church, hence the reason they were invited.  It was in the neighborhood so it wasn't a stretch to invite her students.  

IrishPirate60

One more reason to love my parish where babies are baptized, children receive First Communion, teens are confirmed, and couples get married at the regular Sunday Mass. Coffee and cake from Our Lady of Costco provided for everyone afterwards. Wedding parties often have a smaller, more private reception afterwards, off-site, but sacraments, all of them, are celebrated in the midst of the community.

holyguacamole79

@JBee85 said:

decembergrl2014 said:

I teach 7th grade religion at my church, and am planning on asking one of my students and her brother to be the altar servers at my ceremony. With that in mind, would I be obligated to invite them and their parents to the reception as well? I don't see them outside of church and class, but I wouldn't want to offend them either.

I will say this as a teacher... anytime you invite a minor ANYWHERE outside of school, then you MUST invite parents. A reception that serves alcohol and with an unaccompanied minor attending will place you under serious liability. You are going to be busy attending to your own affairs and cannot chaperon a child. 

You don't need altar servers for a Catholic wedding. They are optional. Also, are you THAT comfortable sharing your personal life with a student and their parents? I would be afraid of someone from either your family or friends getting a little too drunk and saying/doing something that may offend the parent and it reflects back on you professionally AND personally. Since you don't know this parent well... I don't think it's wise to bring students to your wedding (and if you disagree because it's a private school... I was a catholic school teacher and I still wouldn't do it).

She is not a teacher, she is a volunteer catechist. There is a huge difference. I taught high school in this capacity at my church for 8 years. If I had been teaching while I got married, there would have been zero issue with inviting the student(s) to the wedding. Our parish also publishes banns in the bulletin, but it doesn't indicate the exact time and date of the wedding.

Also, the necessity of altar servers depends on the parish.  We had 2 altar servers at out wedding.

JBee85

sarahbear31 said:

@JBee85 said:

decembergrl2014 said:

I teach 7th grade religion at my church, and am planning on asking one of my students and her brother to be the altar servers at my ceremony. With that in mind, would I be obligated to invite them and their parents to the reception as well? I don't see them outside of church and class, but I wouldn't want to offend them either.

I will say this as a teacher... anytime you invite a minor ANYWHERE outside of school, then you MUST invite parents. A reception that serves alcohol and with an unaccompanied minor attending will place you under serious liability. You are going to be busy attending to your own affairs and cannot chaperon a child. 

You don't need altar servers for a Catholic wedding. They are optional. Also, are you THAT comfortable sharing your personal life with a student and their parents? I would be afraid of someone from either your family or friends getting a little too drunk and saying/doing something that may offend the parent and it reflects back on you professionally AND personally. Since you don't know this parent well... I don't think it's wise to bring students to your wedding (and if you disagree because it's a private school... I was a catholic school teacher and I still wouldn't do it).

She is not a teacher, she is a volunteer catechist. There is a huge difference. I taught high school in this capacity at my church for 8 years. If I had been teaching while I got married, there would have been zero issue with inviting the student(s) to the wedding. Our parish also publishes banns in the bulletin, but it doesn't indicate the exact time and date of the wedding.

Also, the necessity of altar servers depends on the parish.  We had 2 altar servers at out wedding.

Sorry I disagree. Even as a volunteer, all archdioceses requires attending a child abuse training session because of sexual abuse allegations made against religious officials. I Know because I was there several months ago and met with similar volunteers that held the same position as the OP. Their  training class outright warned us about inviting children you mentor/teach to events or outings outside of youth programs because you are still placed under liability.

A wedding isn't a classroom or a teachable moment. If you want to teach them the sacrament, the church will provide the materials to cover it. There are also youtube videos that record catholic ceremonies. But If you are that comfortable sharing your personal life with a student, then make sure their parents are invited so that you aren't held responsible or liable for any mishaps- especially if the reception is serving alcohol and guests will be intoxicated.

holyguacamole79

JBee85 said:

sarahbear31 said:

@JBee85 said:

decembergrl2014 said:

I teach 7th grade religion at my church, and am planning on asking one of my students and her brother to be the altar servers at my ceremony. With that in mind, would I be obligated to invite them and their parents to the reception as well? I don't see them outside of church and class, but I wouldn't want to offend them either.

I will say this as a teacher... anytime you invite a minor ANYWHERE outside of school, then you MUST invite parents. A reception that serves alcohol and with an unaccompanied minor attending will place you under serious liability. You are going to be busy attending to your own affairs and cannot chaperon a child. 

You don't need altar servers for a Catholic wedding. They are optional. Also, are you THAT comfortable sharing your personal life with a student and their parents? I would be afraid of someone from either your family or friends getting a little too drunk and saying/doing something that may offend the parent and it reflects back on you professionally AND personally. Since you don't know this parent well... I don't think it's wise to bring students to your wedding (and if you disagree because it's a private school... I was a catholic school teacher and I still wouldn't do it).

She is not a teacher, she is a volunteer catechist. There is a huge difference. I taught high school in this capacity at my church for 8 years. If I had been teaching while I got married, there would have been zero issue with inviting the student(s) to the wedding. Our parish also publishes banns in the bulletin, but it doesn't indicate the exact time and date of the wedding.

Also, the necessity of altar servers depends on the parish.  We had 2 altar servers at out wedding.

Sorry I disagree. Even as a volunteer, all archdioceses requires attend a child abuse training session because of sexual abuse allegations made against religious officials. I was there several months ago and met with similar volunteers, and their training classes outright state about not inviting children you mentor/teach to events or outings outside of youth programs because you are still placed under liability.

A wedding isn't a classroom or a lesson teachable moment. If you are that comfortable sharing your personal life with a student, then make sure their parents are invited so that you aren't held responsible for any mishaps- especially if the reception is serving alcohol.

Yep.  I just took the refresher of that course.  The wedding is at the church and the parents would have to be involved since they can't drive at 8th grade.  I would have run it by the youth minister first to make sure the proper parties were notified.  I would not invite my students to the reception, though, mostly because I wouldn't want to pay for it.  But nothing happened at our reception that I would think would reflect poorly on me as a catechist.  Heck, our priest stayed for a decent portion of the reception.

There is a HUGE difference between telling students that your wedding is at the church at x time on y date vs taking them to go see a movie.  

But I have taught Theology if the Body to high schoolers.  I think attending a wedding, especially in conjunction with ToB would be a great teaching opportunity.