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My FI's sister called dibs on our venue!


Re: My FI's sister called dibs on our venue!

  • smalfrie19smalfrie19 Home of SB XLVIII Champs member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary Name Dropper
    Pretty sure my cousin had an anniversary party for his parents at the same venue I am getting married. I gave none fucks... none... because I don't own rights to a venue... its a gorgeous venue!! oh.. and my mom and step dad got married there too.  
  • Ok, say you give up the venue for FSIL and have a lovely wedding elsewhere.  Then she goes and finds herself a man who wants to marry her... in Ireland.  Now, she's not using the venue, and you "gave it up" for nothing.  That's dumb.  Have your wedding where you want.  
    Knottie5251623 lc07maryemoomediagringa
  • OMG!!! Let me first say, although I am sorry you even needed to be worried about something like this; I am having a BLAST reading through the replies! You have been given replies all across the board from subtle to the "I got your back, swing & duck" type. Yet they ALL  agree that this should not be an issue on any level!
  • Yikes. Interestingly enough my fiancee likes to deal with his family by himself. His sisters wouldn't even call back my wedding planner. Seriously. Its like, dude, really? I don't even have their phone numbers. Like, what the heck? Anyways I'd talk it out with him first, how sensitive does he think she really is/do you think this will ruin the relationship/etc. maybe even have him talk to her and say, "Hey we really wanted to book X place for our wedding. I heard this was a dream of yours. Is it okay if we share that dream?" Idk. I just know that hurting your new family's feelings is super dangerous.

    Good luck! 
  • It's not even an issue, it will happen eventually. If you really need to talk to her take her to a public place like a starbucks or something. Sit her down and say like an adult, "Hey I know you have this hope of using this specific venue but it isn't private and my fiancé and I are going to use it. Our date is set and our deposit is down, but think of it this way you'll have more information about what's really worth the money." I doubt she will make a scene and the parents don't have to baby her. It's an absolute waste of time, just to say "well she called dibs." this isn't elementary school. I'm sure it won't start a huge problem. I mean it's not like a new venue can materialize from faith, trust, and pixie dust. Two of the three places I looked at had been used by my aunt and uncle for birthday parties.
  • It also sounds like you didn't know about her "dibs" on this venue.  Don't get me wrong, the "dibs" is completely ridiculous for something like this, but you also have the added advantage of her not telling you about it.  Play it off as an "honest mistake", tell her that she didn't make her intentions about this venue known in time and unfortunately for her your deposit is already down.  If she was really that serious about this venue, she would have been a jerk and told you the second you were engaged not to book it.  She didn't, so methinks she isn't that serious about it.  She'll probably play that irrevocably hurt card, but she should get over this in a short amount of time. 
  • I would probably laugh and change the subject, then proceed to put down a deposit asap.

    The only time you can say for certain you are getting married there, is when you and your fiance have gone venue shopping and its the place that you both absolutely want, and works with your budget.

    I would sit my FFIL down with my fiance and tell him we don't appreciate how he handled the FSIL, that he should realize that its our wedding, not his sisters and plenty of people get married in the same place. Family traddition can be a great thing for a family.

  • There is absolutely nothing wrong with more than one person in a family getting married at the same venue. I bet it happens all the time. Put your deposit down and if FSIL or anyone else in FI's family is hostile about it, that's a reflection on them, not you. 

    Besides, like @adk19 said, your FSIL could completely change her mind about where she wants to get married if and when she gets engaged. Plenty of brides (myself included) change their minds about the kind of wedding they want and where they want to have it once they're actually planning. You can't plan around someone else's hypothetical wedding.
  • lovesclimbinglovesclimbing Alaska member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited October 2014
    My sister and I got married at the same venue. My cousin is getting married their there next May.

    ETA: can not BELIEVE I used the wrong form of "there."

    [Deleted User]lc07weddingcactuskaitlynmichelle
  • Who is looking at wedding reception venues when they are single? I understand thinking "oh this place would be a cool place for a reception if/when i get married" but going "omg this is THE spot for my reception" while single is really out there in my book. Plus what if her future fiance hates that venue...then what?

    This was my first thought. How much can you really plan without an actual FI? Silly me to think it might be something they would decide on together and right now, he doesn't exist.

    Anyway, I say put the deposit down. If she does use it later on down the line, that's fine too but no way should you give it up.

  • My friend got married at the same venue as 2 of her siblings.  It's coincidentally also where we had our prom and I had my Bat Mitzvah.  Not a big deal.

    Sounds like your FI sister will just have to put her big girl panties on for this one.  You can't call "dibs" on a venue, especially not if you're single and not actively looking for somewhere to get married.  That's just ridiculous.  Can you not use roses either because she wants to have roses at her imaginary wedding one day?  What about a white dress?    See what I mean?  It's ridiculous.

  • HA!!  This is where your FI needs to step in and handle the situation and tell his family NO.  I chose the venue that my sister had her wedding shower at.  I doubt anyone cared.  She can still use the venue when (and if) she gets married if she wants to after *gasp* you did.
  • Wow, she's damn crazy! She must be the type to always get what she wants.  You MUST end this now.  Put the deposit down and tell her you totally won't be offended when she uses the same venue. Funny thing is- I had my heart set on a venue for a few years now- it was my dream venue, and I chose a totally different place.  How the hell does she know her future fiance will even want to get married there? There's no telling who she will meet and what their deal will be. 
  • edited October 2014
    Totally agree with charlieyankee's comment up there. His sister CAN and WILL get over it. And if she doesn't, then that's her problem! Not yours. Besides, if you spend all of your time trying not to upset everyone throughout the wedding planning process, you're going to get burned out. Seriously. I'm not saying to actively try to anger everybody, but rather, no matter what you do somebody's going to have something negative to say about it. It's a wedding! Somebody's bound to get pissed about something and say something inappropriate. It's a given. You won't be the first person that something like this has happened to, and you definitely won't be the last. Besides, it's just a venue. It's not like you picked the exact same wedding dress that she was planning on wearing. Like someone else said, it's a venue. Not underwear! Lol.

    Here's what I've learned about being both a bride and wedding planner for our own wedding. If you find something that works, LOCK IT DOWN ASAP. Always lock down those venues as early as possible so that you don't have to worry about it later on. Just do what makes you and your fiance happy. This is for YOUR day. Best of luck. :D

  • Go ahead and put that deposit down! The venue it perfect for your needs and your budget, and your new sister-in-law will just have to deal with it. Don't forget that your wedding is about you and your groom, and NO ONE else! Do what's right for you.

    [Deleted User]
  • That's your fiancé issue to desk with. Not yours. If you both love it then go for it. Let him deal with it. PS she'll be dating then engaged them
    Married. You prob have a minimum of 3-5 years before she's using that Venue. By then we could be walking dead Ebola victims. Bigger problems in the world then a wedding venue. She needs to let it go.
    [Deleted User]
  • My friend and 2 of her older siblings all got married at the same venue.  I also had my bat mitzvah there.  And our high school prom was there.

  • Go ahead and put that deposit down! The venue it perfect for your needs and your budget, and your new sister-in-law will just have to deal with it. Don't forget that your wedding is about you and your groom, and NO ONE else! Do what's right for you.

  • irishfly said:
    That's your fiancé issue to desk with. Not yours. If you both love it then go for it. Let him deal with it. PS she'll be dating then engaged them Married. You prob have a minimum of 3-5 years before she's using that Venue. By then we could be walking dead Ebola victims. Bigger problems in the world then a wedding venue. She needs to let it go.
    And again, AGREE!!!!! It is his issue to deal with and she's planning waaaaaaay too far in advance under the assumption that her future fiance won't have a voice in where their future wedding is going to take place. And we could be walking dead Ebola victims or zombie victims of whatever other super virus hits us in the next few years! Lol. Irishfly, you cracked me up with that one!
  • And here I was grateful that my brother and SIL shared their good vendors and reception site. Because I know I'm getting awesome vendors with excellent results.

    If you're getting married, you best not be 12. This isn't the front seat of the car, you can't call shotgun/dibs.
  • I can guarantee you that this will not be the only time this sister gets in the way. I am getting married saturday and have had to watch out what plans I share with my bridesmaids because two of them are getting married next year. It is like you dont want to take their ideas but your the one getting married first. His sister can get married there too. I do not see what the big issue, I would stand my ground of this your going to have a lot of people try to tell you what to do, trust me. Stand strong and remember it is your wedding. DO NOT make sacrifices so others can have their way.
  • mikenbergermikenberger In a f'n cornfield member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    edited November 2014
    I called dibs on Ryan Gosling. Eva Mendes doesnt care :( wah.

    The future in law will get over it.

  • Ugh. This stinks.

    My Opinion- finding a venue is the hardest part of the entire process. If you found one that works for your budget and suits your personality- Book Now!
    She can have the same venue if/when she gets married (if she ever does!) Who's to say that eventually she won't marry a millionaire and book The Plaza in NYC? Or maybe she marries a man from a different state or county and gets married there?

    In the end, you're getting married first, so you get first dibs. That's the breaks.

    I spent $4000 on my husband's surprise 40th birthday. A week before the big event, my girlfriend threw a last minute surprise 50th birthday party for her husband - in the same venue. You know what happened? Both events were awesome. We all had a good time at both parties. That's life.
  • My now husband (as of Saturday!) and I had our wedding at the same place as his father, uncles, cousins, and (in the next year) two step-siblings.  Every wedding is unique regardless of using the same venue.  In fact, it may bring special meaning if you both have your wedding in the same place. 
  • Do NOT back off your venue. You're getting married first, you get it. That's the end of it. She's a big girl and can get over it- besides, why can't you BOTH have your weddings there? I now plenty of siblings who have had the same reception venue. Let me tell you, if you make this concession you are starting a trend to allow his family, partiuclarly this sister, who sounds like a brat, to take control of your whole life. Do you want to have to control every decision for you and your family based on what she wants? Or his family wants? NO. She's an adult and can GET OVER IT. Just tell them nicely that while it's her dream venue, it's also YOUR dream venue. So she can either share or find a new one.
  • I grew up in a rural area. There are maybe like 5 venues in the whole 50 mile radius (not including VFW halls obviously) so maybe that's why I feel it's silly for her to get so upset about this whole thing. It is just utterly ridiculous. 

    Although, maybe the dad was making it out to be more. I have had conversations with my parents, just venting about how I was bummed about something but not angry and they have turned around and tried to "facilitate" an argument that hadn't even happened yet. Parents are like that sometime. In the process of diffusing a bomb they accidentally load it with explosives, a timer, and a detonator. 

    The only way I can ever see it being okay for her to be upset is if she was already engaged. She had already set her wedding day and then you took that day along with the reception hall. And that's only if she had already put down a deposit on the place and then you offered them an extra 500 for it or something..... that's the only way it would be feasible. 
  • wrigleyvillewrigleyville Chicago member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    She's being ridiculous.

    Before I met H, I had some gorgeous venues in mind, just in the back of my head. I pictured a 200-person wedding in the Detroit area, or maybe even northern Michigan.

    Then I met H, and the idea changed to Oregon, because that's where his family lives. His mother had health problems and couldn't travel.

    Eventually, his mother kicked cancer's ass, and we decided it would be fun to celebrate that along with our wedding, so we decided to get married in Vegas. We surprised her with an Elvis impersonator (her favorite singer). We cut the guest list from 200 to 50 because we couldn't afford to host 200 people.

    Bottom line: WHEN she finds a boyfriend and IF that boyfriend proposes to her, there's a decent chance that will NOT be the venue she uses. If her boyfriend agrees/is talked into it, then whatever, but things change, plans change, people change, and budgets change.

    [Deleted User]
  • This is a tough one.  I am a person who has had her wedding planned since I was 12 and would be crushed if anyone "stole" one of my major ideas.  That being said, to not book the venue would be letting her steal your idea as well.  The thing is that I had a venue picked out even just a couple months ago and was very hush hush about it because I was terrified of someone using it.  Then a couple things changed and I thought I'd just look around a bit more to see if anything else fit the bill and sure enough I found something I love even more and than is (no exaggerating) 10x cheaper.  So I would have felt really bad if I had made someone change their plans and then I didn't even go with it.

    Honestly, I feel really bad about it, but what I would likely do here would be to lie and say we had already paid for the place.  I would just say that we had to put a deposit down or lose it and that we hadn't found anything else within our budget that was even close to that place.

    I think part of the reason FHs family may be freaking out is that they are worried about their kids, and you aren't one of them.  If I'm wrong then totally disregard but from their perceptive it's their sons wedding and then later their daughters (future) wedding.  Most families would likely put more importance on a daughters wedding.  Also, they know how much their daughter cares about the venue but for all they know you just picked a place and it's not that big of a deal.  All they see is their son and boys don't often care about things like venues so to them all that's happening is their son is being inconvenienced by having to find a new place.  They may not be thinking about how you would be emotionally upset.  I could be way off but in my situation my FHs family doesn't really think through my thoughts/feelings.  For them it's because they genuinely dislike me but I can imagine the same thing happening just out of thoughtlessness because you are new to the group and they aren't used to having to think about your feelings.

    Honestly, if they get really bad about it you could always mention that she still has the option to get married there.  Yes, for some people it might take away some of the fun but it also might be neat to sort of make it the family venue!
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