Moms and Maids

Selfish bridesmaids!

So, I my fiancé has 2 sisters and I made them bridesmaids because I thought it would help us developed a relationship which I wanted. But they have been completely non supportive. One of them has only been to ONE wedding event of the 3 we've had. The day we announced our engagement the sisters asked if they could wear the same dresses from another wedding (sisters BFF) they had coming up. I reluctantly agreed given they altered the gowns which they agreed to do. My MOH announced my bachelorette party 5 months ahead because we were doing a weekend in Chicago (from Milwaukee) immediately they complained saying they don't have money and they have other weddings (the bff) not 3 weeks later they spent $400 on concert tickets! The one sister even came to an event 2 hrs late and left after 10 minutes because a friend that she brought with her didn't get along with another person there who was actually invited. I'm getting married in a month and they still haven't altered gowns, got jewelry nothing and I'm so pissed and ready to kick them out but I'm trying to see past the wedding and keep in mind that it's family but wtf! When my fiancé and I first started dating he said they were totally selfish and now I'm seeing it all too well. What to do?

Re: Selfish bridesmaids!

  • Relax. That's about it.
    Happiness is an inside job
  • So, I my fiancé has 2 sisters and I made them bridesmaids because I thought it would help us developed a relationship which I wanted. But they have been completely non supportive. One of them has only been to ONE wedding event of the 3 we've had. The day we announced our engagement the sisters asked if they could wear the same dresses from another wedding (sisters BFF) they had coming up. I reluctantly agreed given they altered the gowns which they agreed to do. My MOH announced my bachelorette party 5 months ahead because we were doing a weekend in Chicago (from Milwaukee) immediately they complained saying they don't have money and they have other weddings (the bff) not 3 weeks later they spent $400 on concert tickets! The one sister even came to an event 2 hrs late and left after 10 minutes because a friend that she brought with her didn't get along with another person there who was actually invited. I'm getting married in a month and they still haven't altered gowns, got jewelry nothing and I'm so pissed and ready to kick them out but I'm trying to see past the wedding and keep in mind that it's family but wtf! When my fiancé and I first started dating he said they were totally selfish and now I'm seeing it all too well. What to do?
    It's too late for this shit. I'll give this the attention it deserves tomorrow.
    MairePoppyViczaesar
  • @MairePoppy is ALL over it on this! OP please listen to her. Look at what she bolded and you will see they have been acting like this since day one so it should not be a surprise. You have a lot of years with those girls in your life. If you want.to suffer during those years go ahead and drop them. Focus on the rest of your wedding day and CHOOSE to not let them get to you.
  • So, I my fiancé has 2 sisters and I made them bridesmaids because I thought it would help us developed a relationship which I wanted. But they have been completely non supportive. One of them has only been to ONE wedding event of the 3 we've had. The day we announced our engagement the sisters asked if they could wear the same dresses from another wedding (sisters BFF) they had coming up. I reluctantly agreed given they altered the gowns which they agreed to do. My MOH announced my bachelorette party 5 months ahead because we were doing a weekend in Chicago (from Milwaukee) immediately they complained saying they don't have money and they have other weddings (the bff) not 3 weeks later they spent $400 on concert tickets! The one sister even came to an event 2 hrs late and left after 10 minutes because a friend that she brought with her didn't get along with another person there who was actually invited. I'm getting married in a month and they still haven't altered gowns, got jewelry nothing and I'm so pissed and ready to kick them out but I'm trying to see past the wedding and keep in mind that it's family but wtf! When my fiancé and I first started dating he said they were totally selfish and now I'm seeing it all too well. What to do?
    So many of these problems are ones that you created. Well, the entire thing is a problem you created by asking them in the first place. But let's break it down even further.

    First, your wedding party is supposed to be comprised of your nearest and dearest. Asking your nearest and dearest to stand up in your wedding is supposed to honor them for their friendship and show them how much they truly mean to you. Your wedding and wedding party are not tools to bond with people you aren't already close to. This was the mistake that gave rise to all of your other problems.

    Second, the whole dress situation is again something that could have been avoided if you had said no. But you didn't.

    You don't get to tell anybody how to spend their money. Did your MOH ask your BMs beforehand what their budgets were before she made any plans for your BP? Or did she just announce it and say "Everybody will need to contribute $X?"

    Look, you even admit you knew beforehand that your FSILs were selfish bitches and you asked them anyway. And now you're shocked that they're acting like... selfish bitches. Yeah. You don't get to complain about that. You knew what you were signing up for. Nobody is going to change their entire personality just because you're getting married.

    If they don't get the dresses, they've removed themselves from the wedding party. And I'm hoping that was a typo about them not getting the required jewelry. If you're requiring they wear certain jewelry (or shoes, or certain hairstyles, or use a certain make-up artist) you have to pay for it. The only thing they need to spend money on is the dress. Which is obviously a moot point because you gave them your blessing to use dresses they already own.
    MairePoppychibiyui
  • I agree with you I did create some of these problems. I actually had never seen them be selfish in all of my dealings with them. I want to address the money situation because a couple have said I can't tell them how to spend their money, I didn't tell them how to spend their money from the very beginning they knew where we were going and when my MOH did all the leg work getting the costs to them 6 months in advance and when they complained about that cost my MOH'S offered to put in extra to help them out and we cut activities and changed the hotel so they could go and they didn't. It's not really about them turning around spending more on something else than they would have for the party it's about the lying. Everybody made adjustments based on making it work for them and I just feel disrespected.
  • *when and where
  • I agree with you I did create some of these problems. I actually had never seen them be selfish in all of my dealings with them. I want to address the money situation because a couple have said I can't tell them how to spend their money, I didn't tell them how to spend their money from the very beginning they knew where we were going and when my MOH did all the leg work getting the costs to them 6 months in advance and when they complained about that cost my MOH'S offered to put in extra to help them out and we cut activities and changed the hotel so they could go and they didn't. It's not really about them turning around spending more on something else than they would have for the party it's about the lying. Everybody made adjustments based on making it work for them and I just feel disrespected.
    Did your MOH ask them their budgets six months in advance and then start planning the Chicago trip with those numbers in mind, or did she start planning the Chicago trip six months in advance, determine how much everything was going to cost, and then tell them how much they would need?
    BMoreBride6
  • lc07lc07 Sunny Southern California member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    AddieCake said:
    You need to let this go and get yourself a cupcake and a margarita. They haven't done anything wrong here.
    image
    MairePoppyAddieCake[Deleted User]chibiyui
  • @zitiqueen the MOH told everyone the cost 6 months in advance they didn't want to pay that so she got a quote from them and redid everything based on their numbers.
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    It's possible that your FSILs felt weird going on a weekend trip away with you and all of your friends. Maybe to them it was easier to say they couldn't afford the trip and hoped your MOH wouldn't try to change the trip. Just let this go and have a good time with your friends!
    [Deleted User]aleighbaker
  • @zitiqueen the MOH told everyone the cost 6 months in advance they didn't want to pay that so she got a quote from them and redid everything based on their numbers.

    Maybe they felt bad that everything was getting changed for them. That's why budget should've been asked first.
  • It's 5 o'clock somewhere.  Have a drink and forget about this.
  • @zitiqueen the MOH told everyone the cost 6 months in advance they didn't want to pay that so she got a quote from them and redid everything based on their numbers.

    SITB

    While your MOH had good intentions, she was in the wrong here.  She should have asked budgets before planning anything.  It is not her place to make the plans then come back and tell people what they owe. 
  • So, I my fiancé has 2 sisters and I made them bridesmaids because I thought it would help us developed a relationship which I wanted. But they have been completely non supportive. One of them has only been to ONE wedding event of the 3 we've had. The day we announced our engagement the sisters asked if they could wear the same dresses from another wedding (sisters BFF) they had coming up. I reluctantly agreed given they altered the gowns which they agreed to do. My MOH announced my bachelorette party 5 months ahead because we were doing a weekend in Chicago (from Milwaukee) immediately they complained saying they don't have money and they have other weddings (the bff) not 3 weeks later they spent $400 on concert tickets! The one sister even came to an event 2 hrs late and left after 10 minutes because a friend that she brought with her didn't get along with another person there who was actually invited. I'm getting married in a month and they still haven't altered gowns, got jewelry nothing and I'm so pissed and ready to kick them out but I'm trying to see past the wedding and keep in mind that it's family but wtf! When my fiancé and I first started dating he said they were totally selfish and now I'm seeing it all too well. What to do?
    1. What do you need support with? Has something terrible happened? Is this wedding happening against your will?! The code word is "applesauce"!

    2. And?

    3. Newsflash: driving 3.5 hours to a bachelorette in Chicago (read - Expensive Land) is less fun than a concert, and is in no way going to hinder how they stand upright at a wedding, so this is not a real issue. They don't owe you their budget for a whole year. They can continue to live whatever life they want. Go invite guests who want to be in Chicago doing whatever it is you plan to do. Personally, depending on the activities, if I had a ton of money but didn't find what was planned to be a good time, I wouldn't go. And I would be doing the bride a favor by not being miserable while she was having fun.

    4. first of all, you drive from milwaukee traffic into Chicago traffic and not wind up late. It's a long, painful, stupid, gridlocked drive. At least she came! Secondly, while she shouldn't have brought that person, if it was HER guest then she had to consider that person's comfort. If they didn't get along, it was probably for the better that she escorted the person out before the situation got ugly. If that makes her look bad, you'd look better if you didn't let it bug you.

    5. Did you pay for the jewelry? If not, they don't have to get it.

    6. You would seriously kick your future in-laws out? Over jewelry? These people are about to be your family. You're stuck with them. Consider how that would alienate your husband and shape all holidays from here on.

    7. Well, your fault for not listening to him. All you can do is roll with it now and heed his warnings in the future.

    Go have a cocktail and chill out; you're still going to be married regardless if they come to a party or buy a trinket.
  • It's possible that your FSILs felt weird going on a weekend trip away with you and all of your friends. Maybe to them it was easier to say they couldn't afford the trip and hoped your MOH wouldn't try to change the trip. Just let this go and have a good time with your friends!
    Yeah, I feel like this was just them trying to let you down easy and hope you'd move on. Your MOH is like the guy who is sweet but you're not even a little bit attracted to.
    MairePoppy
  • Just throwing it out there that you should be glad you can have your bachlorette without your fiancé's sisters. I've been to one where the bride's sister-in-law to be was there and it got awkward even though the bride wasn't misbehaving. I went to my sister in law's bachlorette and it was basically the tamest thing you can have, but I know she could have had more fun without worrying about what I thought every time her friends made a little joke about sex. I promise it's just better to avoid in laws there. And luckily they made the excuse for you!
    aleighbaker
  • Ah, I see now... I just responded to your post on the other thread and obviously this issue is the source of your hostility to the idea that all bridesmaids need to do is show up at the wedding wearing the right dress.  Sweetheart... I'm sorry your FSILs haven't been at events you would have liked them to be at.  That really does stink and I would be disappointed too.  But you have to understand that just because they're your bridesmaids doesn't mean they were required to be there.  Honestly, if you've have three pre-wedding events (and not saying there is anything inherently wrong with that!) I wouldn't be that surprised that they haven't been able to make all of them, because that's a lot of commitments for anyone to make.  So be sad you couldn't have them there for the making of those undoubtedly special memories, but don't hold it against them that they have normal busy adult lives- especially since it's not like they're your BFFs to begin with.  They really haven't done anything wrong.

    Also, I just want to mention- don't expect them to buy new/matching jewelry for your wedding unless you're paying for it!  I made the same mistake and got quite an ear-full on here about it :P.  I mentioned in passing that I was asking my BMs to buy matching necklaces and earrings that we all picked out together and everyone let me know quite clearly that this was NOT acceptable and bridesmaids shouldn't have to buy anything but their dresses- so my bad, I didn't know this was bad manners on my part but I did correct my mistake!  Just wanted to share my experience to let you know that we ALL have made mistakes when it comes to our expectations for our weddings, and the best thing to do is just own up to it and make it right :).   
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