So, my darn work computer doesn't like the knot message boards anymore, resulting in my having minimal access during the workday via smart phone, and life chores interfere during the evenings. Weekends are my opportunity to really get on here these days. I've got a lot running around in my head, so I apologize for the really really long post.
Random, not so major stuff:
1) I'm in a master's program that has weekly online quizzes. Didn't do great on the first one, but did abysmal on the second. Reviewing the answers for the second one, I see where I messed up on a few, HOWEVER, we're allowed open notes, and I have some stuff as direct quotes from lecture that they said were wrong. Everyone in this course is a working professional. I want to challenge some of the questions, but don't want to come across as the whiny brat who under performed. The four quizzes make up 25% of the grade, but the two papers are another 25% (I got a perfect score on the first one) and participation and the essay final are half the grade- I can make up for bad quizzes, but damnit, I want a top grade!
2) There's a gun show in my area today. (Full Disclosure- DH and I both own handguns. We are responsible gun owners, have concealed carry permits, emphasize gun safety, and have them for personal home defense purposes. I was raised around guns, and learned early on about safety and not touching what did not belong to me).I want to go down and check their prices on ammunition, and I've promised my Dad I'd try to find a particularly hard to find type of handgun ammo. The problem- the last time I went, last November, I had an undiagnosed bulged disc in my back. I exacerbated it walking over uneven ground with two very heavy bags full of ammo. I'm afraid I'll re injure myself.
Now for the much more important/T&P stuff.....
1) DH is having major problems sleeping. He's lucky to get 5 hours a night. Last night, after 3 nights where he got 4 hours or less, I made him lay down at 11 pm and gave him some prescription level medication to help knock him out. We try to avoid that stuff because the dirty secret they don't tell you about drugs like Ambien is that after 3 nights of serious, drug induced good sleep, you are WIDE AWAKE and can't sleep. Anyways, I gave him some, we laid down, and he put a show on to fall asleep to on the tv. I woke up a few minutes to 6 this morning, rolled over....and that's when he told me he didn't sleep at all last night.
He's been asleep for nearly 2 hours now, but I have to wake him up soon so he'll manage to sleep tonight. We've been juice cleansing/fasting, but I think today he needs to break the fasting portion with some sleep inducing food, like pasta and/or turkey. He will still drink the juice, and is arguing about how he feels he's doing something healthy for himself, but I'm very worried of the toll the lack of sleep is taking on his health.
Which leads into the next issue...
2) I think DH's inability to sleep is a physical manifestation of his stress and possible depression. For those who don't know, in March we got married, and a month later in April, DH's little brother dropped dead of what appears to have been an accidental overdose. BIL was taking Ambien at the time, and we think he deliberately and recklessly took something else that he should not have, and it stopped his heart. DH keeps saying he's doing ok, but I know a part of his method of dealing with his grief it to shove it away and allow only bits and pieces to come through bit by bit. Subconsciously, he's hurting over this loss, and feels like he should have known/done something to prevent his brother's death.
It doesn't help that next weekend at this time, we would be getting ready for BIL and FSIL's wedding day. DH was going to be a groomsman. FSIL's family took her on a cruise to Alaska for this week and next, which should help keep her distracted.
But we haven't spoken with FIL and SMIL since early August when DH had a fight with them over SMIL's poor handling of obtaining copies of the autopsy report and toxicology- the ME called it a suicide, we want that changed, SMIL is apparently leading the charge, but she hasn't gotten copies of the investigative report, the autopsy findings, or the tox screen to review and support her claims. When DH questioned all this and the fact that they left him out of the loop, he was told by FIL" to stay out of it, it wasn't DH's business" and upon DH's comment that he felt it was terrible of them to leave him out of the loop, SMIL sent him this hateful, nasty text about how DH was a horrible person to say something like that to his dad, how FIL is grieving, DH should apologize, its not all about DH, etc....FIL lost a son, yes, but DH also lost a brother that same day. SMIL has further turned her and FIL's house into a shrine to BIL (excluding anything with DH in it and making it appear BIL was FIL's only son) and has made multiple social media posts as to how much of a saint BIL was (he wasn't) and how much she misses him....to the point where the posts are starting to sound less about her grief and seem more a bid for attention. They haven't called us, and DH has no desire to call them, because he wants absolutely nothing to do with SMIL and recognizes that FIL/SMIL are a package deal.
So on top of losing his brother, DH has effectively lost his Dad as well (his mom died 16 years ago in a car accident). DH is admitting he feels like I am his only family, and that my parents are acting like better parents to him than his own are. I've suggested we see a counselor together about this, but he won't go, and he won't call his dad and apologize for the part where he lost his temper. Contact with them has been limited to texting his dad when the phone bill is due since they are on our plan. I think he's pushing away his hurt over this, and in turn, he is angry and upset deep down, feeding the depression and leading to the insomnia.
DH's birthday is next Wednesday. I've the day off to spend with him. He wants a quiet day at home together. I've a feeling his Dad may call and want to see him for lunch, and we'll be back on the rollercoaster, especially when he finds out we will not be in town over what would have been the wedding weekend- we are visiting my folks for a joint DH/Mom Bday visit (10 days apart) and taking DH to an all you can eat awesome seafood place. We will therefore be unavailable to FIL and SMIL if they wanted to get together at the last minute/their convenience. I foresee things hitting the fan over that.
I also foresee it hitting the fan on another matter- I made wedding albums via Shutterfly back in July, before the August blow up. FIL's album and album for DH's maternal grandparents were very DH/BIL heavy. We were going to give FIL/SMIL theirs for FIL's bday, but it arrived late. We asked to come down with his last birthday "surprise" only to be told that coming down would not be convenient for them, and FIL demanded to know what it was before he'd deign to come by and pick it up. We wouldn't tell him, so he never came by, and a week later was the blow up and radio silence. We've still got the album (DH is of the opinion that should SMIL get her hands on it, she will cut out every photo of BIL to put up, and toss out the rest of the book). We sent DH's grandparents their book for Grandparents' Day. They LOVE IT. I've a feeling though that they will soon mention something to FIL in passing (they don't know about the estrangement) and we will get a screaming call as to how they should have an album too and what awful people we are....I've told DH to let me handle that one, since I made the albums myself.
3?4? (I don't know what number I'm on). Final issue (virtual wine and cookies to you if you've made it through this post thus far!)
I went to a dermatologists office two weeks ago due to a mole on my back bothering me if accidentally scratched. I never got to see the MD, just her PA. The PA performed several shave biopsies on suspicious looking moles on my skin (I'm Irish, with the very pale Celtic skin courtesy of my dad, and I've lived in FL my whole life- I have a lot of large freckles and moles) that were then sent off for testing. Three have come back as mild atypia, but do not have clear margins. The PA didn't even tell me this- the tech who called told me. I've demanded and gotten a copy of the report.
This sounds innocuous, but here's the thing- my maternal grandmother died of a malignant melanoma on her back that metastasized to liver, lungs, and brain. Her doctor said he'd just watch it, and to not bother it until it bothered her. By the time it did, it was too late. I emphasized to the staff at this office of my fatal family history, and requested punch/excision biopsies of any suspicious areas. They didn't do that, and the lack of clear margins says THEY DIDN'T GET ALL OF IT. I know some ladies here are currently fighting cancer, and I might sound a little neurotic/hysterical over this, but I take the possibility of skin cancer very very seriously, even in a case with mild atypia, which basically means it has a potential to become malignant, but with my family history, it has a "likelihood" of becoming malignant.
I'm taking the report with me to show my dad when we visit next week, and have given him permission to examine my upper back where I can't see any possible problems (he's a clinical and forensic pathologist and while retired from conducting forensic private autopsies, he's maintaining his license to be able to legally practice medicine should the need arise in situations just like this), and notate their location for me so I can have them excised. I think I've found another, better dermatology practice to go to, where they will get these little nasties out of my skin via an actual excision. DH and I are in agreement on this- we'd rather I have a bunch of little scars on my back than just "wait, watch and see" and have me dead at 48 like my grandmother. In the meantime, I'm terrified that the other office missed something important, and these few weeks between appointments will result in something much nastier being found on my skin.
I apologize for the length of this post. (ALL THE MARGARITAS FOR YOU!) I apologize if I sound like I'm completely nuts and off my rocker. But I'd appreciate any thoughts and prayers you ladies could send me to help DH through the next few weeks. Any suggestions on ways to help him get to sleep without taking a prescription med would be awesome too. Jells, CMRagain, I'm thinking of you ladies especially. I'll be on and off throughout the weekend. Hope everyone is doing well.
Chipmunk