Meal that is not rehearsal. How do we inform guests they need to pay without sounding bad

lashack

My wife and I were recently married at our town courthouse and are planning a big party for next year to celebrate with out friends and family who couldn't be there with us this year. We have our place picked out and we love it. Since there are many weddings on Friday nights now the hall is offering us to do our rehearsal on Thursday night rather than Friday. We do not anticipate many out of town guests to be in by Thursday night for the rehearsal dinner (which we are paying for) so for Friday we are planning a "last hurrah" night. We will be doing a group tour of a local brewery and then going out to eat at a burger joint. We will be paying for the tour but will not be paying for the dinner. How on our wedding schedule do we let guests know that we are not paying for the meal without sounding tacky? I have gone to many out of town weddings were the hosts did not pay for every meal but I don't recall how this was worded.

lyndausvi

you are having a hard time because it is tacky.       The only thing I would say it make the meal completely separate from the brewery tour.   The invite is ONLY for the tour.  Then via word of mouth tell people you are planning on going to the burger joint for a bite if they are looking for a place to have dinner.    If you add dinner to the tour you need to pay because it's all the same event.

iloveotters2014

Im confused as to why you need to have a rehearsal for a one year anniversary party? What are you rehearsing?

Liatris2010

lashack said:

My wife and I were recently married at our town courthouse and are planning a big party for next year to celebrate with out friends and family who couldn't be there with us this year. We have our place picked out and we love it. Since there are many weddings on Friday nights now the hall is offering us to do our rehearsal on Thursday night rather than Friday. We do not anticipate many out of town guests to be in by Thursday night for the rehearsal dinner (which we are paying for) so for Friday we are planning a "last hurrah" night. We will be doing a group tour of a local brewery and then going out to eat at a burger joint. We will be paying for the tour but will not be paying for the dinner. How on our wedding schedule do we let guests know that we are not paying for the meal without sounding tacky? I have gone to many out of town weddings were the hosts did not pay for every meal but I don't recall how this was worded.

I'm confused. If you are already married what are you rehearsing? No one needs to rehearse attending a party.

I'm also confused about your last hurrah night? If you are married, your last hurrah has already been had. If you want to have a guys night or gals night, that is fine, but you would not be the guest of honor because planning a party to honor yourself is considered rude. Asking people to pay to attend a party in your honor is exceptionally rude. So, I would call it "guys night" making it clear this is not all about you, and then people will know they have to pay their own way, just like any other guy's night.

mollyringwald15

Why are you rehearsing a wedding ceremony if you are already married?

MyNameIsNot

lashack said:

My wife and I were recently married at our town courthouse and are planning a big party for next year to celebrate with out friends and family who couldn't be there with us this year. We have our place picked out and we love it. Since there are many weddings on Friday nights now the hall is offering us to do our rehearsal on Thursday night rather than Friday. We do not anticipate many out of town guests to be in by Thursday night for the rehearsal dinner (which we are paying for) so for Friday we are planning a "last hurrah" night. We will be doing a group tour of a local brewery and then going out to eat at a burger joint. We will be paying for the tour but will not be paying for the dinner. How on our wedding schedule do we let guests know that we are not paying for the meal without sounding tacky? I have gone to many out of town weddings were the hosts did not pay for every meal but I don't recall how this was worded.

Why would you need to rehearse for an anniversary party?  Why does your party involve all these different events?  You don't do a pre-party before a party.  This party should be one day, not the whole weekend.

If you aren't hosting, you don't issue an invitation.  If you aren't hosting a dinner, don't send an invitation listing anything about a dinner. 

RebeccaB88

I don't understand why you need to rehearse attending a party.  If you're doing a fake ceremony performance, I'd drop that, no one needs or wants to see you pretend to get married again.

If you invited people to this brewery thing via an invitation, even a verbal one or facebook or email, then you're hosting and you're paying. They shouldn't have to pay for anything.  If invitations are out, then you're stuck with the bill.  If not, just let people know you're having dinner there at whatever time if they want to eat there too.

I don't get the 'last hurrah' thing either.  That happens before you're married. The ship has sailed on that one.  Just have a girls/guys night out like you normally would.  Again, if you invite people, you pay, but if you say 'hey, anyone want to go out?', it's fine. 

AddieCake

Ditto PPs on the need for rehearsal or the verbage of "last hurrah." As for your question, just invite people to the tour that you are paying for and then use word of mouth to say, "Wife and I are going to X restaurant for dinner later if anyone wants to come out." 

JCbride2015

Add me to the camp of "what are you possibly rehearsing?"  This is a one-year anniversary party celebrating your marriage.  There is nothing to rehearse.

You should really change your language around this party too-- it's not a wedding, and there can be no "last hurrah" because you've been married for a year.

Ditto Addie on how to handle the tour and dinner.  Invite everyone to the tour, then spread the word about dinner informally.

lashack

I'm sorry if I didn't make it clear. We are also having a ceremony. Our ceremony was performed by a judge in the courthouse not the cultural or romantic ceremony we originally wanted. We got married first because it was recently made legal and wanted to do it quickly.

lashack

Perfect. This is exactly what I was looking for. Thank you.

JCbride2015

lashack said:

I'm sorry if I didn't make it clear. We are also having a ceremony. Our ceremony was performed by a judge in the courthouse not the cultural or romantic ceremony we originally wanted. We got married first because it was recently made legal and wanted to do it quickly.

What you are considering is a re-enactment, or fake redo, of your legally binding ceremony.  This is really tasteless because your guests are just watching a show, not an actual binding of two people in marriage.  PLEASE don't do this.

Are you an LGBT couple?  Just based on the bolded.

Normally this gets a pass if your home state does not recognize the marriage, you get legally married OOS, then come home and have your celebration with family and friends.  But you're saying you got married quickly, at home, and now you want to have another fake wedding because the first one wasn't romantic enough?  Sorry, I think this is still inappropriate.  

If you got married legally in one of the first legal marriages in your state, that is really special and romantic in itself.  Just own that!  I remember the midnight weddings in our town hall in NJ and it was so special for everyone there.  That's as romantic as it gets IMO.

Just have a fabulous party on your one-year anniversary.  Party your butts off, eat and drink, spend time with your loved ones.  Don't try to put on a show or pretend you are getting "married" when you have already been married for a year.

JCbride2015

lashack said:

Perfect. This is exactly what I was looking for. Thank you.

If you want to show who you're responding to, hit "Quote."  "Reply" looks like it's what you want, but really it just drops you to the bottom of the page.

lashack

As for "last hurrah" I guess it's more for us and our out of town guests to hangout who we don't get to see very often. If they were allowing us to do the rehearsal on Friday i wouldn't have the issue.

rajahmd

lashack said:

As for "last hurrah" I guess it's more for us and our out of town guests to hangout who we don't get to see very often. If they were allowing us to do the rehearsal on Friday i wouldn't have the issue.

You really shouldn't have a ceremony at all, so you don't need a rehearsal. Just have a fun party to celebrate your first anniversary.

You chose to get married quickly. Understandable, but by doing so you chose to make legality a priority over what type of ceremony you wanted. That's ok, but it means that you don't get a redo or a second ceremony. Accept that, move on, and throw an awesome anniversary party.

lashack

JCbride2015 said:

lashack said:

I'm sorry if I didn't make it clear. We are also having a ceremony. Our ceremony was performed by a judge in the courthouse not the cultural or romantic ceremony we originally wanted. We got married first because it was recently made legal and wanted to do it quickly.

What you are considering is a re-enactment, or fake redo, of your legally binding ceremony.  This is really tasteless because your guests are just watching a show, not an actual binding of two people in marriage.  PLEASE don't do this.

Are you an LGBT couple?  Just based on the bolded.

Normally this gets a pass if your home state does not recognize the marriage, you get legally married OOS, then come home and have your celebration with family and friends.  But you're saying you got married quickly, at home, and now you want to have another fake wedding because the first one wasn't romantic enough?  Sorry, I think this is still inappropriate.  

If you got married legally in one of the first legal marriages in your state, that is really special and romantic in itself.  Just own that!  I remember the midnight weddings in our town hall in NJ and it was so special for everyone there.  That's as romantic as it gets IMO.

Just have a fabulous party on your one-year anniversary.  Party your butts off, eat and drink, spend time with your loved ones.  Don't try to put on a show or pretend you are getting "married" when you have already been married for a year.

It was a gay marriage. But it is more about what our families want. They are asking for it. We were only allowed to have 8 people present at our ceremony. My wife is filipino and her family is HUGE. BOTH of our families have asked for this.

rajahmd

lashack said:

JCbride2015 said:

lashack said:

I'm sorry if I didn't make it clear. We are also having a ceremony. Our ceremony was performed by a judge in the courthouse not the cultural or romantic ceremony we originally wanted. We got married first because it was recently made legal and wanted to do it quickly.

What you are considering is a re-enactment, or fake redo, of your legally binding ceremony.  This is really tasteless because your guests are just watching a show, not an actual binding of two people in marriage.  PLEASE don't do this.

Are you an LGBT couple?  Just based on the bolded.

Normally this gets a pass if your home state does not recognize the marriage, you get legally married OOS, then come home and have your celebration with family and friends.  But you're saying you got married quickly, at home, and now you want to have another fake wedding because the first one wasn't romantic enough?  Sorry, I think this is still inappropriate.  

If you got married legally in one of the first legal marriages in your state, that is really special and romantic in itself.  Just own that!  I remember the midnight weddings in our town hall in NJ and it was so special for everyone there.  That's as romantic as it gets IMO.

Just have a fabulous party on your one-year anniversary.  Party your butts off, eat and drink, spend time with your loved ones.  Don't try to put on a show or pretend you are getting "married" when you have already been married for a year.

It was a gay marriage. But it is more about what our families want. They are asking for it. We were only allowed to have 8 people present at our ceremony. My wife is filipino and her family is HUGE. BOTH of our families have asked for this.

Just because someone asks for something doesn't mean you have to give it to them. Besides, you are already marrued. That boat has sailed. Repeating the ceremony won't add value. In fact, it could detract from it. Just have an awesome party and maybe give a short speech about your first year of marriage and how much your families' support means to you.

Also, this is what, the second or third reason you've given for having this fake ceremony? That makes me much less likely to believe you.

lashack

Not for nothing I was not asking for anyone's opinion on how I am hosting my wedding day. I was asking on how to word something to my guests. Which was answered. There is no need to attack how me, my wife, or our families are planning to celebrate our marriage. People can have as many ceremonies and celebrations as they like. There is no rule on how someone wants to celebrate there.

I really think this will be the first and last time I post a question on here.

JCbride2015

lashack said:

lashack said:

I'm sorry if I didn't make it clear. We are also having a ceremony. Our ceremony was performed by a judge in the courthouse not the cultural or romantic ceremony we originally wanted. We got married first because it was recently made legal and wanted to do it quickly.

What you are considering is a re-enactment, or fake redo, of your legally binding ceremony.  This is really tasteless because your guests are just watching a show, not an actual binding of two people in marriage.  PLEASE don't do this.

Are you an LGBT couple?  Just based on the bolded.

Normally this gets a pass if your home state does not recognize the marriage, you get legally married OOS, then come home and have your celebration with family and friends.  But you're saying you got married quickly, at home, and now you want to have another fake wedding because the first one wasn't romantic enough?  Sorry, I think this is still inappropriate.  

If you got married legally in one of the first legal marriages in your state, that is really special and romantic in itself.  Just own that!  I remember the midnight weddings in our town hall in NJ and it was so special for everyone there.  That's as romantic as it gets IMO.

Just have a fabulous party on your one-year anniversary.  Party your butts off, eat and drink, spend time with your loved ones.  Don't try to put on a show or pretend you are getting "married" when you have already been married for a year.

It was a gay marriage. But it is more about what our families want. They are asking for it. We were only allowed to have 8 people present at our ceremony. My wife is filipino and her family is HUGE. BOTH of our families have asked for this.

I would be pretty upset if my family insinuated that my legal marriage was somehow not enough for them or not valid.  You realize they are disparaging your wedding, right?  Your real, actual, you became wife and wife wedding?  No way in hell would I re-enact what was a special moment for my wife and me, just to give them a show because they demand it.  No way.

From an etiquette standpoint-- yes, some people in your families may have asked for this.  But some others who are invited (and it sounds like you are inviting a lot of family and friends) are probably annoyed or offended by the fake ceremony, but just too nice to tell you. 

Does everyone who is invited at least know that you two are already married?

Liatris2010

lashack said:

lashack said:

I'm sorry if I didn't make it clear. We are also having a ceremony. Our ceremony was performed by a judge in the courthouse not the cultural or romantic ceremony we originally wanted. We got married first because it was recently made legal and wanted to do it quickly.

What you are considering is a re-enactment, or fake redo, of your legally binding ceremony.  This is really tasteless because your guests are just watching a show, not an actual binding of two people in marriage.  PLEASE don't do this.

Are you an LGBT couple?  Just based on the bolded.

Normally this gets a pass if your home state does not recognize the marriage, you get legally married OOS, then come home and have your celebration with family and friends.  But you're saying you got married quickly, at home, and now you want to have another fake wedding because the first one wasn't romantic enough?  Sorry, I think this is still inappropriate.  

If you got married legally in one of the first legal marriages in your state, that is really special and romantic in itself.  Just own that!  I remember the midnight weddings in our town hall in NJ and it was so special for everyone there.  That's as romantic as it gets IMO.

Just have a fabulous party on your one-year anniversary.  Party your butts off, eat and drink, spend time with your loved ones.  Don't try to put on a show or pretend you are getting "married" when you have already been married for a year.

It was a gay marriage. But it is more about what our families want. They are asking for it. We were only allowed to have 8 people present at our ceremony. My wife is filipino and her family is HUGE. BOTH of our families have asked for this.

_____Stuck in the box_______

If everyone knows you are already married and you are not lying to your guests, you avoid the biggest etiquette blunder. That being said, I am still not a fan of the redo ceremony. It is like a re-do graduation ceremony. Yes, I wish I got to see my sister's HS graduation, but since her school was huge and each kid is only given two tickets, mom and dad went and I missed out. Watching her reenact it a day or year later would not have changed the fact that I wasn't at her graduation. And I think she would have felt pretty silly. We used to have a regular poster who did a re-do after she eloped, and she said that she felt the whole time, and regretting caving to the pressure from her family. I would think really hard if this is something you want to do, or if it is something you are doing to appease the families, and then decide if it is worth it or not.

JCbride2015

lashack said:

Not for nothing I was not asking for anyone's opinion on how I am hosting my wedding day. I was asking on how to word something to my guests. Which was answered. There is no need to attack how me, my wife, or our families are planning to celebrate our marriage. People can have as many ceremonies and celebrations as they like. There is no rule on how someone wants to celebrate there. I really think this will be the first and last time I post a question on here.

This is an etiquette forum on a public website.  You'll get comments on whatever you post here.  You chose to share information that shows you are making an extreme faux pas and being quite rude to your guests.  As people who care about etiquette (which basically means treating your guests well), yep, we're going to comment on that.

Nobody is attacking you at all.  We are trying to prevent you from insulting people in your real life and potentially damaging your relationships.

Heck, I even said your wedding sounded romantic and special.  I don't think that's an attack.

But you are already married.  Sorry, you can't get married again.  That's not how marriage works.

lashack

I

JCbride2015 said:

lashack said:

JCbride2015 said:

lashack said:

I'm sorry if I didn't make it clear. We are also having a ceremony. Our ceremony was performed by a judge in the courthouse not the cultural or romantic ceremony we originally wanted. We got married first because it was recently made legal and wanted to do it quickly.

What you are considering is a re-enactment, or fake redo, of your legally binding ceremony.  This is really tasteless because your guests are just watching a show, not an actual binding of two people in marriage.  PLEASE don't do this.

Are you an LGBT couple?  Just based on the bolded.

Normally this gets a pass if your home state does not recognize the marriage, you get legally married OOS, then come home and have your celebration with family and friends.  But you're saying you got married quickly, at home, and now you want to have another fake wedding because the first one wasn't romantic enough?  Sorry, I think this is still inappropriate.  

If you got married legally in one of the first legal marriages in your state, that is really special and romantic in itself.  Just own that!  I remember the midnight weddings in our town hall in NJ and it was so special for everyone there.  That's as romantic as it gets IMO.

Just have a fabulous party on your one-year anniversary.  Party your butts off, eat and drink, spend time with your loved ones.  Don't try to put on a show or pretend you are getting "married" when you have already been married for a year.

It was a gay marriage. But it is more about what our families want. They are asking for it. We were only allowed to have 8 people present at our ceremony. My wife is filipino and her family is HUGE. BOTH of our families have asked for this.

I would be pretty upset if my family insinuated that my legal marriage was somehow not enough for them or not valid.  You realize they are disparaging your wedding, right?  Your real, actual, you became wife and wife wedding?  No way in hell would I re-enact what was a special moment for my wife and me, just to give them a show because they demand it.  No way.

From an etiquette standpoint-- yes, some people in your families may have asked for this.  But some others who are invited (and it sounds like you are inviting a lot of family and friends) are probably annoyed or offended by the fake ceremony, but just too nice to tell you. 

Does everyone who is invited at least know that you two are already married?

Yes everyone knows we are already married. All of our out of town guests were told we were getting married this year and doing another ceremony next year. The ceremony will be more vow renewal rather than making us wife and wife. We aren't going to try to pretend that we aren't married already there will be mention made that we are already married and are re-committing to each other.

NYCMercedes

A vow renewal sounds lovely. Just drop the word rehearsal (and wedding). Just invite people to the tour that you are hosting. Mention to a few close friends where you will going afterward. Let the word spread naturally and it won't appear you are hosting.

AddieCake

There's nothing wrong with having another ceremony. Just call it a vow renewal and not a wedding.

JCbride2015

Honestly I'd still think it was a little weird to have a vow renewal after only one year.  But that's not really a big deal.  At least everybody knows what they are watching and you aren't lying to anybody.

Just call it a vow renewal, not a wedding.  Problem solved!

huskypuppy14

I would give this woman a pass. How is what she is doing different from what @magicink is doing, other than magic ink isn't waiting a year?

RebeccaB88

I think celebrating it as a vow renewal is a perfect thing to do. And then party your asses off.

esstee33

JCbride2015 said:

Honestly I'd still think it was a little weird to have a vow renewal after only one year.  But that's not really a big deal.  At least everybody knows what they are watching and you aren't lying to anybody.

Just call it a vow renewal, not a wedding.  Problem solved!

This, exactly. What you're planning isn't your wedding; your wedding was at the courthouse, whether it was as romantic as you wanted or not. 

JCbride2015

huskypuppy14 said:

I would give this woman a pass. How is what she is doing different from what @magicink is doing, other than magic ink isn't waiting a year?

@huskypuppy14 I think there are a few differences that matter.  MagicInk's wedding is not legal in the state where she and MagicFi live; that state's discriminatory laws are what is forcing them to go out of state for the legal wedding.  OP's wedding is legal in her state.  They just chose to get married in the courthouse sooner rather than wait to plan a big wedding.

And I think waiting a year does matter.  That's a year they have been living as a married couple, before having a "wedding."  That makes a "wedding" ceremony seem a little disingenuous IMO.  MagicInk and MagicFi are (I think) having the big wedding with ceremony and reception pretty close in time to the legal wedding OOS.  That makes a difference for me.

Lastly, OP gave classic PPD reasons for wanting to redo: the original wedding was "not the cultural or romantic ceremony we originally wanted."  Then she said her families are pressuring them to do it.

With all that said though, they are not lying to their guests so the biggest problem is already a non-issue.  Just call it a vow renewal and the faux pas is pretty much gone.  I understand being excited and wanting to get that legal right quickly once it's finally granted.  Like I said, I think the wedding does sound very romantic and special, to be one of the first gay couples married in your state.  I just don't really see the point of re-enacting that moment.

Edited: damn boxes.  And edited again because I forgot the numbers on Husky's name.

indianaalum

lashack said:

As for "last hurrah" I guess it's more for us and our out of town guests to hangout who we don't get to see very often. If they were allowing us to do the rehearsal on Friday i wouldn't have the issue.

Is everyone aware that you already got married in the courthouse? or is that a secret?

IrishPirate60

You could have a celebration that is a family blessing of your marriage. Instead of the two of you being asked questions and vowing to one another, you could ask the circles of family and friends to commit to the love they have shared and continue to share. Pray for one another--all those married people have been a sign, witness, and hope for what the two of you want for your lives. Celebrate that.