Women who have had a legal court marriage prior to wedding...

bablingbrooke

If OP had an actual immigration issue, sure.  But she doesn't.   Her FI isn't in danger of being deported and isn't outside the US.  They just want to be able to shack up and go on vacation together NOW.  They're using immigration as an excuse.

Am I the only person who actually read what her situation is?

Even if she did have an immigration issue, she could and should throw together a lovely wedding in a short amount of time.  A large wedding isn't an entitlement; let's stop treating it as if it is.  

filaw

I also am not "entitled" to throw a Christmas party in the middle of July.  It would make very little sense to some people, but I can throw it if I want to.  Presumably the guests that came would come because they wanted to celebrate with me, and got behind my wacky plan.  And I wouldn't be able to understand if any of the people I invited would somehow be "offended" by my plan.  I see this as a similar thing.  

If someone wants to invite me to watch them "renew their vows" or whatever, and feed me and "drink me" and basically treat me to a good time, that's their prerogative.  I suppose you could say they're "entitled" to. But how is this hurting anyone?  

And I will reassert that I would be *glad* to have the opportunity to celebrate with this hypothetical couple, and *bummed* if the choose not to let me just because some rule said they weren't "allowed" to.

bablingbrooke

I can't believe you're defending a person having two weddings.  Where does the entitlement stop?  YOU DON'T GET TWO WEDDINGS TO THE SAME PERSON.  Sorry that it's not how she envisioned it, but that's called life.  Grown-ups adapt to life.  You may be bummed that you couldn't attend their wedding, but that's the way life shakes out once in awhile.  People don't understand the concept of not always getting things exactly the way you want them.

 

Sometimes I think you defend bad ideas just for the hell of it, and I'm sad because people latch onto it and go forth with these ideas.

banana468

It's all in what you do.

Don't have a Christmas party in the summer and say, "It's Christmas!!  That's what the OP is proposing to do - get married and then at a later date call something that isn't her wedding her wedding.

However to have a post-wedding party and to CALL it a post wedding party is a different thing.  That's where you can be OK if you're being HONEST to your guests. 

ckonidak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_women-legal-court-marriage-prior-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:45a016db-edfe-4030-ba99-9cb0c5b3f53aPost:d54cedfa-cc2c-47d3-83f1-bc593ccd5307">Re: Women who have had a legal court marriage prior to wedding...</a>:
[QUOTE]If OP had an actual immigration issue, sure.  But she doesn't.   Her FI isn't in danger of being deported and isn't outside the US.  They just want to be able to shack up and go on vacation together NOW.  They're using immigration as an excuse. Am I the only person who actually read what her situation is? Even if she did have an immigration issue, she could and should throw together a lovely wedding in a short amount of time.  A large wedding isn't an entitlement; let's stop treating it as if it is.  
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]

-Hate to say it, but this bablingbrooke sounds like they've got it right. OP's fiance isn't about to be deported, they are struggling to find work just like the million other people trying to find jobs in good markets. While I can CERTAINLY sympathize, Immigration seems like a speed-bump in their relationship, not a road-block. Wanting to legally marry for employment reasons makes sense, but if that's what OP chooses to do, then they need to be reasonable and just tell people the actual "ceremony and reception" are more of a vow-renewal, this way they can be up-front with their guests (who I assume are aware of the couple's situation) and not mislead anyone to thinking this is their actual wedding date.

<strong>OP</strong>- Again, I do wish you all the best in your venture, but just keep in mind, the people on these boards are here to give you there opinion. It isn't always what you want to hear (believe me, I know how that feels) but either way, it's a way of hearing opinions, both good and bad, that are related to what you are asking. Best of luck!

banana468

Exactly.

My biggest issue is when people try to recreate something into what it isn't.

Don't try to pull a fast one over on your guests.  Throw a party but don't decide that you get to rename things.

JeremiahsBabe

To OP:
Go ahead and have your wedding the way you want!  Your friends and family will understand and if they love you they will be happy to be involved.  It sounds to me like you are making the best of your situation and you have that right!  While it is definetly not a popular option, I get it and have friends who have done this for a variety of reasons. 

A good friend of mine did this (Court ceremony in dec, big wedding a year and a half later in may)  It would have been fine, but she lied to her side of the family which sucked since I knew and had to lie to her family.  DO NOT LIE to anyone. 
I would also suggest not registering at all so it does not look gift grabby. 

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_women-legal-court-marriage-prior-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:45a016db-edfe-4030-ba99-9cb0c5b3f53aPost:fc548e14-fddf-4adf-a76f-8637757c3d63">Re: Women who have had a legal court marriage prior to wedding...</a>:
[QUOTE]To OP: Go ahead and have your wedding the way you want!  Your friends and family will understand and if they love you they will be happy to be involved.  It sounds to me like you are making the best of your situation and you have that right!  While it is definetly not a popular option, I get it and have friends who have done this for a variety of reasons.  A good friend of mine did this (Court ceremony in dec, big wedding a year and a half later in may)  It would have been fine, but she lied to her side of the family which sucked since I knew and had to lie to her family.  DO NOT LIE to anyone.  I would also suggest not registering at all so it does not look gift grabby. 
Posted by JeremiahsBabe[/QUOTE]
You can love someone and still not approve of their actions, or want to get involved in a complicated mess like this.  I don't love my brother any less when he pulls some douchey move, but that doesn't mean I'm going to blindly tolerate it.

banana468

Loving someone does not mean loving what that person does.

In fact, loving them means that I'll often care MORE about what the person does. 

My husband is fantastic.  But that does not mean that I understand and embrace him with open arms it if he's a gargantuan ass.

Lynseykay

I hope I can be that one bride that gives you some encouragement in this situation. My fiancee and I are going through the same problem. We have been together 3 years have two children together and I am in school and he is working. We are thinking of getting married before the end of the year so my fiancee can get enough money back on his tax return to pay for the entire wedding and pay some of our debt off. We do not have any family helping us pay for our wedding and we also have two children we have to support. I was not crazy about the idea at first of getting "legally married' before having our actually wedding ceremony but who cares what the "law says" or anyone else. We are going to the courthouse wearing our everyday clothes, saying the bare minimum of what we have to legally say to get married and then leaving. No I now pronounce you husband and wife, no you may now kiss the bride, no exchanging of rings. My fiancee and I have talked about it and this is just signing of some papers so we can pay for the wedding and not go into debt. We are actually going to do 6 months to the day prior of our actual wedding ceremony so when we do get married it can replace the previous wedding date. Our anniversary will be our wedding date with all our friends, family and everyone who is close to us. We are not telling any of our friends or family because to us this is our wedding the beginning of our lives together we will not have the government and the law tell us when we are married it is our decision. So don't listen to what anyone else on here has to say there are not in your shoes or understand what you are going through. If at the end of the day you had a beautiful wedding and you feel married and enjoyed celebrating it with all your close loved ones that is all that matters.

laurebkraft

This is silly. Do what makes you happy! I have plenty of friends who had the court wedding and a ceremony and reception later. It doesn't matter your reason.

This is your life. Live it how you want to.

If the "renewing" of the vows idea bothers you, you merely have to reframe this. Just think of it the way one of my friends did. She said that the court document was a state recognition of her marriage. The church wedding was when they were really joined in the eyes of family and friends.

Why are people being such jerks about this? It's not like she's asking people to get her two gifts or something. She just wants to throw a party with friends to celebrate her love and partnership. Sheesh. Relax.

aerinpegadrak

Roma, in Italy as in much of Europe, the civil and church ceremonies are legally required to be separate.  This is not the case in the US, which legally recognizes religious ceremonies.  So your story isn't really applicable here.