When a guest cant make the ceremony and can only make the reception

CherylTish

Hi girls, this one is hard for me to understand so maybe someone has some better insight into the situation.  The ceremony is the most important part of our day in my mind.  Granted we are having a 3pm wedding and 6pm reception.  We received an rsvp from one of my fiances friends that he can only make the reception because of work.  Well ya, who wouldnt skip the ceremonies if they could and just go to the party right?  I guess, in my mind, if you cant make the time for the ceremony, the actual moment when we say are vows, then I dont think they should just get to go to the reception.  What are your thoughts, how would you handle, and what would you say?

Thank you

Alikat9614

CherylTish said:

Hi girls, this one is hard for me to understand so maybe someone has some better insight into the situation.  The ceremony is the most important part of our day in my mind.  Granted we are having a 3pm wedding and 6pm reception.  We received an rsvp from one of my fiances friends that he can only make the reception because of work.  Well ya, who wouldnt skip the ceremonies if they could and just go to the party right?  I guess, in my mind, if you cant make the time for the ceremony, the actual moment when we say are vows, then I dont think they should just get to go to the reception.  What are your thoughts, how would you handle, and what would you say?

Thank you

Eh, we had a couple people who could come to either one or the other because of work. We were just glad that they could make it at all and it wasn't a big deal, especially since they were kind enough to let us know ahead of time. Our ceremony was at 3 and the cocktail hour went from 3:30-4:30ish, dinner started around 4:40ish after introductions, our first dance, and the blessing. For some, the difference between arriving by 3 or by 4:30 allowed them to attend without taking off work. Also, some had to leave before dinner to make it work by 5:00

MobKaz

I agree that I find the ceremony the more significant component of the event. Unfortunately, whenever there is a gap (which is very poor etiquette), it often forces people to choose between the ceremony and the reception.

misshart00

I agree that the ceremony is the most important part and I find it rude when people just chose to not come to the ceremony. However, this friend can't get off work. That's a legitimate excuse for not being able to make it. And having a gap is rude which means several people will probably skip the ceremony.

lurkergirl

Ditto pps that the gap is rude.  If your wedding is on a weekday at 3, you should expect lots of guests to have this dilemma.  Yes your wedding is important, but it's mostly just important to you.  For most people, their job is more important.

Viczaesar

CherylTish said:

Hi girls, this one is hard for me to understand so maybe someone has some better insight into the situation.  The ceremony is the most important part of our day in my mind.  Granted we are having a 3pm wedding and 6pm reception.  We received an rsvp from one of my fiances friends that he can only make the reception because of work.  Well ya, who wouldnt skip the ceremonies if they could and just go to the party right?  I guess, in my mind, if you cant make the time for the ceremony, the actual moment when we say are vows, then I dont think they should just get to go to the reception.  What are your thoughts, how would you handle, and what would you say?

Thank you

Well, you have a gap, which is horrendously rude.  I don't blame your guest at all for skipping the ceremony and just going to the reception in that case, even if he didn't have to work, which he does.  Are you getting married on a Friday? 

Stop worrying about this guest and start worrying about hosting the gap between your 3 pm ceremony and 6 pm reception.

Jen4948

CherylTish said:

Hi girls, this one is hard for me to understand so maybe someone has some better insight into the situation.  The ceremony is the most important part of our day in my mind.  Granted we are having a 3pm wedding and 6pm reception.  We received an rsvp from one of my fiances friends that he can only make the reception because of work.  Well ya, who wouldnt skip the ceremonies if they could and just go to the party right?  I guess, in my mind, if you cant make the time for the ceremony, the actual moment when we say are vows, then I dont think they should just get to go to the reception.  What are your thoughts, how would you handle, and what would you say?

Thank you

I think the bolded is not only not true but really inconsiderate of the guest in question.

Not everyone works 9 to 5, Monday through Friday.  I work as a tax accountant and during tax season, everyone at my firm has to work 60 hour weeks, some of which has to be worked on the weekends.  Not only that, but there are two tax seasons-one that ends on April 15 and one that ends on October 15.  Maybe this guest is in that situation, or works for a retail store or a restaurant or something other than an office job.  But to insinuate that he's faking it to get out of attending the ceremony?  All I can say is, "Run, guy, run! This particular bride doesn't care about you-anything to get out of having someone with a real life having to attend her wedding!"

NYCMercedes

I'd say it's a real jerk move to have a gap.

lyndausvi

This is what happens when you have a gap.    You are seriously saying ''I want you to take time off of work.  Go to my ceremony and then sit around for a few hours when you could be working to go to reception."  Yeah, no.   

My cousin missed my ceremony because of work.  I didn't even have a gap and the ceremony and reception were at the same location.  I never thought twice about it.  I would never expect someone to take a time off (in some cases un-paid) to attend my wedding. If they are able to make coming to 1 of the 2 events, great.   I was so focused on my DH I couldn't really tell you who was at the ceremony anyway.

JennyColada

Kudos to that guy for saying what we're all thinking.

MairePoppy

The gap is rude. Missing the ceremony because you have to work is not rude.

Your fi's friend is taking part of his day to celebrate your marriage by attending your reception. You should thank him for coming.

kmmssg

I am kind of appalled at your attitude.  Whether it was my 2 weddings or those of my 4 girls, we appreciated ANY time any of the guests decided to share with us on our wedding days.  These are supposed to be your nearest and dearest so why get such an attitude?  Be incredibly greatful he is able to celebrate with you!  It is an honor to have someone attend your wedding events, regardless of which they can attend.

FTR - I do NOT do gaps at all.  If I am invited to a wedding with a gap, I choose the event that works best for my day.  It might be the wedding, it might be the reception, but it won't be both.

Maggie0829

Gaps are rude. Your friend has to work so deal with it.

climbingsingle

You're having a very large gap. You're the one being rude to your guests. 

If he has to work, he has to work. That's life. I once had to miss a ceremony because it started on a Friday afternoon and I couldn't get the day off. There was nothing I could do. And trust me - I was sad to miss it. 

ohannabelle

Ohmygod, he has to work?

This is terrible, indeed. How absolutely inconsiderate of him. That vile bitch.

What kind of God would allow this?

holyguacamole79

Why are you assuming that he is choosing to skip the ceremony?  He said he has to work; you have no reason not to believe him.  And even if he WAS lying, it's none of your business. 

If he hadn't said something to you, I can almost guaratee you that you wouldn't have noticed his absence at your wedding.  He would have just showed up at the reception to celebrate you.

And, I agree 100% with PPs.  That is one hell of a gap, and it is not necessary.

ohannabelle

Now, serious answer. Check yourself.

1:What on earth do you mean, if he can't make the ceremony he "shouldn't be allowed to go to the reception?"  I hope you aren't actually thinking of telling him this.

You invited him to both, I'm assuming. I'm also assuming you didn't have the guests sign an inclusion contract stating that reception attendance was dependent on ceremony attendance.

It would seriously be the height of bad manners to inform a guest that their invitation was revoked, especially if they were unable to attend because of work. Just so outside the good etiquette box that it's not even reasonable.

People would be talking for years about how you weren't raised right.  Be a gracious hostess, and your only response (if it comes up) should be that you're sorry, but look forward to celebrating with him later.

2: Are you really this damned concerned over one late arriving guest? Unless it's the best man, or the priest, or The groom, let it go. You have a wedding to plan. You have a new life to begin. One late arrival shouldn't even be on your radar. And there will probably be several, because of

3: The Gap. This guest will not be the only guest attending one part or the other, because you've made it inconvenient for your guests to attend both. That's what inevitably happens. It's water under the bridge now, because the invitations have been sent and the law of etiquette already violated, but gaps are avoidable, and inconsiderate. 

You should see if you can find a way to properly host your guests during the 2 and 1/2 hours they're stuck between events with nothing to do. 

AddieCake

You are being unreasonable.

MyNameIsNot

Work is part of life.  Sometimes people have to go there, and sometimes it means they have to miss or show up late for social events.

With your gap, you can expect that many guests will skip the ceremony. If having people at your ceremony was so important, you wouldn't have planned such a rude, PITA schedule.  

Although I normally will move heaven and earth to be at both the ceremony and reception, I would skip your ceremony, and I wouldn't feel bad about it.  I'm not sitting around for 2 hours in dress clothes because you are too selfish to plan correctly.  

CherylTish

Thank you for the rude replies, I wasn't looking for criticism but insight.  I had limited options on where and when to have my wedding since I was planning in a rush to have my wedding before my mom died.  It really helps me recognize the quality of people that subscribe to these boards are not worth my time. 

holyguacamole79

CherylTish said:

Thank you for the rude replies, I wasn't looking for criticism but insight.  I had limited options on where and when to have my wedding since I was planning in a rush to have my wedding before my mom died.  It really helps me recognize the quality of people that subscribe to these boards are not worth my time. 

Hey, you're the one who is considering uninviting a guest from your reception because he has to work during the ceremony. 

Maggie0829

CherylTish said:

Thank you for the rude replies, I wasn't looking for criticism but insight.  I had limited options on where and when to have my wedding since I was planning in a rush to have my wedding before my mom died.  It really helps me recognize the quality of people that subscribe to these boards are not worth my time. 

Not to be super harsh but you aren't going to get any sympathy answers for why you are planning a wedding in a rush. I am sorry to hear about your Mom. That sucks, that really does and I hope you are holding up as well as you can during this time. But when a guest tells you that they can't make your ceremony because of work then you need to accept that and move on. I am not really sure what you wanted from us other then to just validate your feelings and tell you that this guy is an ass and you should drop him from the guest list. Well sorry, but that isn't what you are going to get regardless of your circumstances. People miss ceremonies all the time, whether it is because they have another obligation (such as work), are running late, or just choose not to attend, but no matter the reason you just need to accept it and concentrate on things you can control.

mrsmagicgeek

My insight is that 2.5 hours is a heck of a gap.

MobKaz

CherylTish said:

Thank you for the rude replies, I wasn't looking for criticism but insight.  I had limited options on where and when to have my wedding since I was planning in a rush to have my wedding before my mom died.  It really helps me recognize the quality of people that subscribe to these boards are not worth my time.




Your post, and this response, really speaks to your own self important viewpoint.  You are not the only person in the world whose time is valuable.  The time of FI's friend is valuable too.  In his situation, your gap time translates to money for him.  Your wedding ceremony may be first and foremost for you, but someone's livelihood is primary in their life.  Your gap forced his hand, and possibly the hand of others, into making this decision. 

It makes more sense to skip the ceremony because the ceremony cuts into the middle of the day.  For all you know, he may be just as disappointed to miss the ceremony. 

AddieCake

Pot, meet kettle.

kmmssg

CherylTish said:

Thank you for the rude replies, I wasn't looking for criticism but insight.  I had limited options on where and when to have my wedding since I was planning in a rush to have my wedding before my mom died.  It really helps me recognize the quality of people that subscribe to these boards are not worth my time. 

I am truly sorry your mother is dying.  I lost both of my parents when I was a child so I am very familiar with not having them at any of my life events.  I really am sorry about her health.

That being said - your mother's health and planning your wedding in a rush has NOTHING to do with your concern about this man missing your wedding.  So don't come back at us and try to use that as an excuse for your unfounded concern about this man daring to possibly miss your ceremony and only attend your reception.

Jen4948

CherylTish said:

Thank you for the rude replies, I wasn't looking for criticism but insight.  I had limited options on where and when to have my wedding since I was planning in a rush to have my wedding before my mom died.  It really helps me recognize the quality of people that subscribe to these boards are not worth my time. 

I'm sorry about your mother.

That said, no one was rude to you in telling you not to have a gap or to not accuse guests who can only attend the reception of being "rude."  You are proposing to be rude to your guests and your attitude that "if they can't make it to the ceremony they're being rude and selfish" is itself not a gracious one. 

You got insight-it just wasn't insight you wanted to hear.  Here's another insight: Grow up. Your wedding might be the most important day to you and your FI, but it isn't to anyone else.  Everyone else has a life, and the world doesn't stop for brides and grooms.

ShesSoCold

kmmssg said:

CherylTish said:

Thank you for the rude replies, I wasn't looking for criticism but insight.  I had limited options on where and when to have my wedding since I was planning in a rush to have my wedding before my mom died.  It really helps me recognize the quality of people that subscribe to these boards are not worth my time. 

I am truly sorry your mother is dying.  I lost both of my parents when I was a child so I am very familiar with not having them at any of my life events.  I really am sorry about her health.

That being said - your mother's health and planning your wedding in a rush has NOTHING to do with your concern about this man missing your wedding.  So don't come back at us and try to use that as an excuse for your unfounded concern about this man daring to possibly miss your ceremony and only attend your reception.

STUCK IN THE BOX - 

To the bolded - this. All this. All day. 

I understand being upset about your mother, I do. But please do not take it out on other people or use it as an excuse to treat people poorly.

My mother was diagnosed as terminally ill and told she only had a few weeks to live about 5 weeks before my wedding. We cancelled it and planned a new one 13 days later, all while managing to stay within good etiquette, be gracious hosts and treat our guests properly. 

There are ways to do thing right - they may not be easy, but they're there.

EDITed because words are hard.