"Normal" wedding after a small legal ceremony / "PPD"

slb40

Greetings fellow knotties!

I've found a lot of negative feedback on the boards here concerning brides looking to have a 'real' wedding, or a 'formal' wedding, or a 'public' wedding after a small ceremony, or a JOP quicky down at the local or eloped-to courthouse, for whatever (legitimate or illegitimate) reason.

Recently, (after the normal many many months of planning) we had our 'real' wedding celebration, after having signed the papers about 10 months prior. I had a white dress, we exchanged rings, we had cake, and I changed my name, and we had a party. We invited our family and friends, who, again, all knew that we had been legally married and very much looking forward to our wedding day. We made a registry but didn't advertise it, and weren't making a point of asking for gifts/money. We just wanted to celebrate with friends and family. Between speaking with people directly, and hearing lots and lots of secondhand talk, we had no miffed guests, no one who felt deceived, and for the most part, everyone enjoyed the party. (I had two much younger cousins that knew no one aside from each other, and were apparently bored out of their minds, but hey, can't please everyone!)

Our personal circumstances were military-related; we did not NEED to get legally married but it was going to make things a LOT easier on us. We signed the papers at his church with our parents and his pastor and told our friends and extended family- it was no secret.

I'm more than a little troubled that having a large celebration later is so looked-down upon. No, it might not be for everybody, and there are probably folks out there who will want to have another wedding celebration in order to secure more tangible gifts. Having a delayed celebration is not innately a negative thing, so please be open to why brides (and their grooms) might be choosing such an arrangement. If you vehemently disagree that a small-then-large arrangement is at all acceptable, please don't insult other brides potentially going through a rough time already of dealing with this abnormal situation. It might not have been their first choice. Brides choosing to make this choice, I DON'T think it's ideal, and please make sure you're taking everything into consideration, and look at your options carefully.

Thank you to the lovely folks here that helped me plan our wedding celebration. We had a supremely fantastic day with food and family and friends and all that good stuff!

lurkergirl

slb40 said:

Greetings fellow knotties!

I've found a lot of negative feedback on the boards here concerning brides looking to have a 'real' wedding, or a 'formal' wedding, or a 'public' wedding after a small ceremony, or a JOP quicky down at the local or eloped-to courthouse, for whatever (legitimate or illegitimate) reason.

Recently, (after the normal many many months of planning) we had our 'real' wedding celebration, after having signed the papers about 10 months prior. I had a white dress, we exchanged rings, we had cake, and I changed my name, and we had a party. We invited our family and friends, who, again, all knew that we had been legally married and very much looking forward to our wedding day. We made a registry but didn't advertise it, and weren't making a point of asking for gifts/money. We just wanted to celebrate with friends and family. Between speaking with people directly, and hearing lots and lots of secondhand talk, we had no miffed guests, no one who felt deceived, and for the most part, everyone enjoyed the party. (I had two much younger cousins that knew no one aside from each other, and were apparently bored out of their minds, but hey, can't please everyone!)

Our personal circumstances were military-related; we did not NEED to get legally married but it was going to make things a LOT easier on us. We signed the papers at his church with our parents and his pastor and told our friends and extended family- it was no secret.

I'm more than a little troubled that having a large celebration later is so looked-down upon. No, it might not be for everybody, and there are probably folks out there who will want to have another wedding celebration in order to secure more tangible gifts. Having a delayed celebration is not innately a negative thing, so please be open to why brides (and their grooms) might be choosing such an arrangement. If you vehemently disagree that a small-then-large arrangement is at all acceptable, please don't insult other brides potentially going through a rough time already of dealing with this abnormal situation. It might not have been their first choice. Brides choosing to make this choice, I DON'T think it's ideal, and please make sure you're taking everything into consideration, and look at your options carefully.

Thank you to the lovely folks here that helped me plan our wedding celebration. We had a supremely fantastic day with food and family and friends and all that good stuff!

Ugh, what is even the point of this?  Congratulations on having gracious friends and family who are nice enough to not announce your blunder to your face?

misshart00

If everyone knows that you were already married, I don't have a huge problem with it.

Cookie Pusher

I'm PPD-lite. As long as you aren't lying AND you host everyone properly, I'm fine. Sure, I might side-eye an OTT spectacle, but I'd do the same even if it wasn't a PPD.

ETA: I do, however, think doing bach parties/showers before a PPD is in poor taste.

mimivac

I would never look down on such a ceremony, and I highly doubt your guests are secretly seething at the horrible audacity of hosting a party for them. Our officiant fell through very close to our wedding date so we went to the JOP on the same morning as our wedding. I never knew I was then obligated to cancel the ceremony and reception because we had been officially married an hour before, and I was now a "pretty princess" and a liar. People knew we had an emergency and opted to do this instead.

psiloveyouu

misshart00 said:

If everyone knows that you were already married, I don't have a huge problem with it.

I agree with this. As long as you are being honest with everyone attending, and they are willing to attend and celebrate with you, then that's your decision.

I recently attended what I considered to be a PPD. The couple had been married for a year but most of their family didn't know (for reasons unknown). Once a few key family members found out, they pressured the couple into a HUGE wedding -- with the condition that they pretend they were not actually married so as not to upset extended family.

This to me is not okay, as many of us knew they were already married, but the majority of people attending had no clue.

One of our mutual friends who knew they were already married even refused to go, as she said it felt phony and cheap.

I went and had a good time but it was kind of awkward, especially during the toasts.

photokitty

slb40 said:

Greetings fellow knotties!

I've found a lot of negative feedback on the boards here concerning brides looking to have a 'real' wedding, or a 'formal' wedding, or a 'public' wedding after a small ceremony, or a JOP quicky down at the local or eloped-to courthouse, for whatever (legitimate or illegitimate) reason.

Recently, (after the normal many many months of planning) we had our 'real' wedding celebration, after having signed the papers about 10 months prior. I had a white dress, we exchanged rings, we had cake, and I changed my name, and we had a party. We invited our family and friends, who, again, all knew that we had been legally married and very much looking forward to our wedding day. We made a registry but didn't advertise it, and weren't making a point of asking for gifts/money. We just wanted to celebrate with friends and family. Between speaking with people directly, and hearing lots and lots of secondhand talk, we had no miffed guests, no one who felt deceived, and for the most part, everyone enjoyed the party. (I had two much younger cousins that knew no one aside from each other, and were apparently bored out of their minds, but hey, can't please everyone!)

Our personal circumstances were military-related; we did not NEED to get legally married but it was going to make things a LOT easier on us. We signed the papers at his church with our parents and his pastor and told our friends and extended family- it was no secret.

I'm more than a little troubled that having a large celebration later is so looked-down upon. No, it might not be for everybody, and there are probably folks out there who will want to have another wedding celebration in order to secure more tangible gifts. Having a delayed celebration is not innately a negative thing, so please be open to why brides (and their grooms) might be choosing such an arrangement. If you vehemently disagree that a small-then-large arrangement is at all acceptable, please don't insult other brides potentially going through a rough time already of dealing with this abnormal situation. It might not have been their first choice. Brides choosing to make this choice, I DON'T think it's ideal, and please make sure you're taking everything into consideration, and look at your options carefully.

Thank you to the lovely folks here that helped me plan our wedding celebration. We had a supremely fantastic day with food and family and friends and all that good stuff!

misshart00 said:

If everyone knows that you were already married, I don't have a huge problem with it.

I'm in this camp. If you don't lie about, or have any bridal showers, it don't really care.

I do however care and take great offense to the notion of the original wedding being referred to "as just signing the papers."

When people say call JOP/elopements/etc "signing paperwork" it is insulting to all the people who chose to have that type of wedding and be completely satisfied with their choice.

It is even more insulting to those who are not allowed to legally "sign papers" with the love of their life.

So congrats on having your "real wedding," but before you ask others to think about your feelings and not to insult your choices - YOU think about what you say and how insulting and cruel it can be to others.

I'm more than troubled by people who suggest it's just paperwork, as if to suggest it's not important - it is immensely important!! And you deciding to have a PPD or not is not a "rough time," not being able to legal marry your loved one - that's rough. Whether you choose to have a PPD, wear a big dress and have a "formal" wedding is not rough - it's about as rough as a bad hair day.

Don't preach tolerance while you insult others.

BlueBirdMB

Yeahhhhh…. pretty much everyone I know- friends and family- have recently been invited to a PPD and they all bitch about it.  So don't be so sure everyone was happy with your choices. 

JCbride2015

Nope, this is not okay with me.  Normally I feel like if you aren't lying, and host everybody well, the PPD might be pointless and AWish but it's not so much an etiquette issue.

But to call a JOP wedding "signing the papers" and your fake show a "real wedding?"  Totally offensive.

southernbelle0915

If people are forthcoming with their guests that they are already married - as in the invitation is worded to clearly indicate that they are already married, then I don't have as much of a problem with it. Personally, I'd probably decline but at least I could make an informed decision.

What I do have a problem with is you calling the fake wedding (the one where no one is getting married, but they are pretending to get married) a "real wedding", as opposed to "just signing papers". Getting married at the courthouse IS a real wedding. It's insulting to imply that it's not. 

KatieinBkln

You can be as "troubled" as you want by our negative attitudes toward PPDs. Go for it. But you are unlikely to change anyone's minds by saying "it was really super fun, though!" I'm glad you didn't lie to your guests. Many PPDers do. But I'm waiting for a logical explanation of why I shouldn't find a "do-over" wedding tacky. 

plainjane0415

iannawill said:

If everyone knows that you were already married, I don't have a huge problem with it.

I agree with this. As long as you are being honest with everyone attending, and they are willing to attend and celebrate with you, then that's your decision. I recently attended what I considered to be a PPD. The couple had been married for a year but most of their family didn't know (for reasons unknown). Once a few key family members found out, they pressured the couple into a HUGE wedding -- with the condition that they pretend they were not actually married so as not to upset extended family. This to me is not okay, as many of us knew they were already married, but the majority of people attending had no clue. One of our mutual friends who knew they were already married even refused to go, as she said it felt phony and cheap. I went and had a good time but it was kind of awkward, especially during the toasts.

 THIS.  Is always a possibility when you get married and then have a "Real Wedding"  Which, btw, isn't something like this considered a vow renewal? Or a marriage blessing, or something like that? You can't really call what the OP posted a "wedding" can you?  Maybe I'm just confused but I thought the actual JOP ceremony is the actual wedding.  Anything after that is just a vow renewal or marriage blessing, celebration of marriage etc... but... maybe I'm wrong.

slb40

I'm not trying to imply that 'signing the papers' isn't important. We considered ourselves married, as did friends/family, and it was a decision we came to slowly after months and years of thought. That day, although quiet, is incredibly special to us and our parents. (It's also what we're considering our anniversary date, because that is indeed when we got married.) I only call it paperwork because, fact of the matter, it is paperwork Sorry you took it in a negative light @photokitty

We definitely didn't do a shower- I was horrified at the idea, and not because we were living across the country. Parents and relatives started requesting a registry, and so we made one, telling people (to the point of overkill) that we expected nothing, just wanted to throw a party, but, well, if you really want to buy us something, thank you, and this is what we could use.

sarawifenow

Yeah not sure what the point of this was. Maybe I am missing something?

aurianna

If you don't lie about it, it's not a huge sin, but I still find PPDs kind of stupid and unneeded.

You said you didn't NEED to get married legally when you did... so... I don't understand why you couldn't just wait so that your PPD was your actual wedding day. Because it was more convenient? Well in many cases it's probably more convenient for many people to marry legally first, especially for insurance/tax reasons. But most people can be patient and wait and not have a PPD.

As a guest I find something magical about the actual joining of a couple in marriage. If I'm invited to a PPD maybe I'll go... but it's just not going to be nearly as special.

So I'd never badmouth a PPD to a bride's face or close family. But I'd probably still think bad thoughts and tell other people that don't know the couple.

I'm a bad person I guess. Honestly glad your PPD was fun though! Gratz

slb40

PS folks, I'm not looking for your validation or anything (some of you seem to be confused by that). And I don't think I will change anyone's minds. I simply want to offer some support to brides who are splitting paperwork and celebration, because there's so much negativity towards it (thanks for making that apparent, some of you posters here)

Our wedding and marriage was our paperwork, our celebration was our celebration.

JCbride2015

slb40 said:

PS folks, I'm not looking for your validation or anything (some of you seem to be confused by that). And I don't think I will change anyone's minds. I simply want to offer some support to brides who are splitting paperwork and celebration, because there's so much negativity towards it (thanks for making that apparent, some of you posters here)

Our wedding and marriage was our paperwork, our celebration was our celebration.

So your OP was pointless.  Thanks for that.

climbingsingle

Seriously? 

What was the point of this post? You had a tacky PPD. Ok. Cool. Good for you. I won't be losing any sleep over it. 

PrettyGirlLost

Cookie Pusher said:

I'm PPD-lite. As long as you aren't lying AND you host everyone properly, I'm fine. Sure, I might side-eye an OTT spectacle, but I'd do the same even if it wasn't a PPD.

ETA: I do, however, think doing bach parties/showers before a PPD is in poor taste.

This. I think PPDs are stupid, but as long as everyone knows it's a PPD, meh.

I think they are tasteless and rude as fuck when the couple is hiding the fact they are married.

And I think pre wedding events for a PPD are tacky and rude.

slb40

JCbride2015 said:

slb40 said:

PS folks, I'm not looking for your validation or anything (some of you seem to be confused by that). And I don't think I will change anyone's minds. I simply want to offer some support to brides who are splitting paperwork and celebration, because there's so much negativity towards it (thanks for making that apparent, some of you posters here)

Our wedding and marriage was our paperwork, our celebration was our celebration.

So your OP was pointless.  Thanks for that.

Sorry you think offering some emotional support is pointless. My OP was intended for that, nothing else. If you don't like it, move along.

photokitty

slb40 said:

I'm not trying to imply that 'signing the papers' isn't important. We considered ourselves married, as did friends/family, and it was a decision we came to slowly after months and years of thought. That day, although quiet, is incredibly special to us and our parents. (It's also what we're considering our anniversary date, because that is indeed when we got married.) I only call it paperwork because, fact of the matter, it is paperwork Sorry you took it in a negative light @photokitty

We definitely didn't do a shower- I was horrified at the idea, and not because we were living across the country. Parents and relatives started requesting a registry, and so we made one, telling people (to the point of overkill) that we expected nothing, just wanted to throw a party, but, well, if you really want to buy us something, thank you, and this is what we could use.

The fact of the matter is it is not just paperwork - it is your wedding. Is a diploma just a piece of paper? Or is it years of hard work and an education? Is the Constitution just paperwork people signed?

It's not just paperwork. It's my marriage! It's my sister and her wife having to drive 7 hours to be able to "sign some papers."

What people like you don't understand is that signing the paperwork is a REAL wedding. You don't need another one. To say people who "just sign the paperwork" are looking to have a real or formal or public wedding is rude and insulting.

The fact that you cannot see how insulting that is just underlines the entire issue with PPDs. If it was just about celebrating that fact that you had "signed the paper" and were already married you wouldn't be throwing around words like "real," "formal" or "public" - you also wouldn't be going to the lengths of making a thread telling everyone to be nice and respect your choice - while you backhandedly insult the choices of others.

As to the bolded - I sincerely hope you are not suggesting it took you months and years AFTER "signing the paperwork" to consider yourselves married.

There is no way to take what you are saying in a positive light, unless someone is reading this and looking for validation on how they can call their wedding "just paperwork" and start planning a "real, formal, public" wedding.

You have struck a nerve and the fact that you can't see how insulting you have been makes it even worse.

sarawifenow

slb40 said:

JCbride2015 said:

slb40 said:

PS folks, I'm not looking for your validation or anything (some of you seem to be confused by that). And I don't think I will change anyone's minds. I simply want to offer some support to brides who are splitting paperwork and celebration, because there's so much negativity towards it (thanks for making that apparent, some of you posters here)

Our wedding and marriage was our paperwork, our celebration was our celebration.

So your OP was pointless.  Thanks for that.

Sorry you think offering some emotional support is pointless. My OP was intended for that, nothing else. If you don't like it, move along.

Sorry but you can't tell people how to post. You posted a lengthy PPD validation on an etiquette board that you admit does not favor PPDs. What responses were you expecting exactly?

JCbride2015

slb40 said:

JCbride2015 said:

slb40 said:

PS folks, I'm not looking for your validation or anything (some of you seem to be confused by that). And I don't think I will change anyone's minds. I simply want to offer some support to brides who are splitting paperwork and celebration, because there's so much negativity towards it (thanks for making that apparent, some of you posters here)

Our wedding and marriage was our paperwork, our celebration was our celebration.

So your OP was pointless.  Thanks for that.

Sorry you think offering some emotional support encouraging other people to be disrespectful toward JOP weddings is pointless. My OP was intended for that, nothing else. If you don't like it, move along.

FTFY.

PrettyGirlLost

slb40 said:

PS folks, I'm not looking for your validation or anything (some of you seem to be confused by that). And I don't think I will change anyone's minds. I simply want to offer some support to brides who are splitting paperwork and celebration, because there's so much negativity towards it (thanks for making that apparent, some of you posters here)

Our wedding and marriage was our paperwork, our celebration was our celebration.

Read some if the posts related to PPDs and the responses in this thread and perhaps you will understand why we typically view PPDs as unnecessary, stupid, and offensive.

Start with the sticky on this page.

slothiegal

slb40 said:

PS folks, I'm not looking for your validation or anything (some of you seem to be confused by that). And I don't think I will change anyone's minds. I simply want to offer some support to brides who are splitting paperwork and celebration, because there's so much negativity towards it (thanks for making that apparent, some of you posters here)

Our wedding and marriage was our paperwork, our celebration was our celebration.

This is the Etiquette board, and 99% of the time, PPDs are considered against etiquette.  Might not have been the best place to to post and "offer support". 

ETA I won't even get into the offensive issues that have been brought up because I am in a NyQuil haze and forming logical posts is hard for me this week.  PP's have got it covered.

JCbride2015

slb40 said:

JCbride2015 said:

slb40 said:

PS folks, I'm not looking for your validation or anything (some of you seem to be confused by that). And I don't think I will change anyone's minds. I simply want to offer some support to brides who are splitting paperwork and celebration, because there's so much negativity towards it (thanks for making that apparent, some of you posters here)

Our wedding and marriage was our paperwork, our celebration was our celebration.

So your OP was pointless.  Thanks for that.

Sorry you think offering some emotional support is pointless. My OP was intended for that, nothing else. If you don't like it, move along.

AND one other thing.  Many people here including me have said, "Meh, as long as you're honest, knock yourself out with a well-hosted PPD."  Do I think it makes sense?  Nope.  But if you're not lying and you host your guests well, it ceases to be an etiquette issue for me.

It's your attitude toward courthouse and JOP weddings that is so reprehensible.  As @photokitty said so much better than I can, the fact that you can't even see what is so offensive about your language makes it even worse.

plainjane0415

slb40 said:

PS folks, I'm not looking for your validation or anything (some of you seem to be confused by that). And I don't think I will change anyone's minds. I simply want to offer some support to brides who are splitting paperwork and celebration, because there's so much negativity towards it (thanks for making that apparent, some of you posters here)

Our wedding and marriage was our paperwork, our celebration was our celebration.

I don't think anything about what you did is negative at all.  I just posted my thoughts on a "Real Wedding" mainly for lurkers on this board to know that if you get married by a JOP, have an intimate "immediate family only" wedding, etc.. and then have a celebration after, you really can't refer to it as a "wedding".  I think your information is wonderful!  and congrats on your marriage!  You did it! whoo hoo!

southernbelle0915

slb40 said:

Sorry you think offering some emotional support is pointless. My OP was intended for that, nothing else. If you don't like it, move along.

Your post said a JOP wedding isn't a "real wedding". And you posted it to the etiquette board. You're going to get called on it. 

Also, if someone needs "emotional support" from an internet stranger to have a Pretty Princess Day, that's the least of their worries.

Maggie0829

KatieinBkln said:

You can be as "troubled" as you want by our negative attitudes toward PPDs. Go for it. But you are unlikely to change anyone's minds by saying "it was really super fun, though!" I'm glad you didn't lie to your guests. Many PPDers do. But I'm waiting for a logical explanation of why I shouldn't find a "do-over" wedding tacky. 

I am in this category.  If you want the big shabang then have the big shabang.  But if you for some reason feel it necessary to get married quickly and make it a small affair because of it then own your wedding and love your wedding for what it was.  Why the need to then throw some redo?  If you really wanted that lavish event in the first place then that is what you should plan.  Also, it is entirely possible to plan and throw and very nice and a good sized wedding in a short amount of time, so that isn't a good excuse in my eyes.

KatieinBkln

southernbelle0915 said:

slb40 said:

Sorry you think offering some emotional support is pointless. My OP was intended for that, nothing else. If you don't like it, move along.

Your post said a JOP wedding isn't a "real wedding". And you posted it to the etiquette board. You're going to get called on it. 

Also, if someone needs "emotional support" from an internet stranger to have a Pretty Princess Day, that's the least of their worries.

Fuck, I've been Doing It Wrong--the internet isn't the place to indulge all my least attractive personality flaws and expect support? Son of a bitch!

PrettyGirlLost

slb40 said:

JCbride2015 said:

slb40 said:

PS folks, I'm not looking for your validation or anything (some of you seem to be confused by that). And I don't think I will change anyone's minds. I simply want to offer some support to brides who are splitting paperwork and celebration, because there's so much negativity towards it (thanks for making that apparent, some of you posters here)

Our wedding and marriage was our paperwork, our celebration was our celebration.

So your OP was pointless.  Thanks for that.

Sorry you think offering some emotional support is pointless. My OP was intended for that, nothing else. If you don't like it, move along.

Why do you think ppl planning a joyous occasion like a wedding need emotional support? Last I checked ppl need emotional support for traumas in life- terminal diagnoses, deaths, divorce, etc.

And why do women planning fake weddings, especially those planning on lying to everyone, need support with a decision that is not favored or condoned on this board? Just own your fucking decision like an adult, don't seek validation.

I'm not having assigned seating at my reception, which is not a popular choice on this board, but I don't need support for my choice. I have read the dissenting opinions, I'm still not assigning seats, and that's it. I also don't take the dissenting opinions of the regs here personally.