Do I fire the photographer? - update (vent)

novella1186

Sorry, this might be a long one because I think some back story is necessary. My sister's best friend -- we'll call her K-- is a pro photographer. I used to model. A few years ago she had a huge project and asked me to model, for free, and as payment she'd make sure I got all of the photographs to put them in my portfolio. It was a brutal 14-hour day and it was not fun, but I stuck it out and did my best as a favor to K. I never got one single photo from her. For over a year I would message her, text her, etc and just ask if she had any ready to send yet. Never got a single one. I finally gave up and I was beyond annoyed. 

 Fast-forward to this year when I got engaged, and my sister insisted that I hire K to do my wedding photos. I brought up the modelling incident and said I don't want to risk never receiving my wedding photos. My sister nagged me to no end and insisted that K is a big important professional now and we'll have a contract etc etc so there's no way she'll screw it up. My sister is a really pushy bitch and I'm a total chicken, so I gave in, even though my gut was telling me this was a bad idea. 

 K agreed to do the wedding photos at a discount, essentially as a favor to my sister. We signed the contract and I gave her the $1,000 deposit she required. A few months later my sister and I got in a huge nasty fight like we've never had before (long long story) and we don't speak anymore. She was supposed to be my MOH (I have no idea why I chose her, since she's always treated me like garbage. Yes, I'm an idiot and made a poor choice) but now I doubt she'll even bother to show up to the wedding (and side note here, I did not "demote" her or kick her out of the wedding party, but it seems she wants nothing to do with it). 

 A few days ago I e-mailed K a really simple question (how much time should we set aside for photos if we want to include a first look?) and she hasn't responded. I know for a fact she's constantly on her computer/phone. She posts on social media about 50 times per day, and usually e-mails me right back. But I haven't talked to her since my sister and I had that huge blow-up, and maybe she's decided to choose sides. Since my wedding photos were K's favor to my SISTER, and my sister won't speak to me anymore, maybe K doesn't even want to do my photos anymore. 

Part of me is in a panic now, and I wish I had just listened to my gut in the first place, so now I want to bail on her. Yes, I risk losing the deposit which sucks and it might really piss off K, but my wedding photos are not something I want to risk. I really regret hiring her. And yes, we have a contract, but if she "fails to perform," the best I can do is sue for my money back, which will not replace the photos, and I would be devastated. 

 Am I over-reacting? Will she be professional and just do the photos as we agreed, regardless of my issues with my sister (her best friend)? Or should I finally listen to my instincts and hire someone else? The wedding is about 7 months away so there's still time to find a different photographer. This is really stressing me out. Any advice would be much appreciated.

*edited because TK ate my paragraphs 

* the update is posted in the thread since this part is already so insanely long! 

lurkergirl

Yikes.  I would swallow the $$$ just to get out of this situation.  I think you already know that and are looking for confirmation.  Well, here it is: RUN!!!

Maggie0829

Lurkers, this is why you should always listen to your gut and not be talked into things by family members that you are not 100% okay with.

OP, I would start looking for another photographer but don't tell K that you are firing her just yet.  Look for a new photog but also see if K ever responds back to you.  If she does, hopefully she has a reason for taking so long to respond or at least apologizes for making you wait.  If she doesn't then dump her ass and hire a new photographer.

I would check what your contract says about your deposit.  I think with my photographer if I cancelled between X date and Y date I got $Z back, but if I cancelled after A date then I got nothing back.

cowgirl8238

I think yu know what you need to do here...as someone who had bad feelings about a vendor they had hired I can tell you...in the end my gut was right!!  I really like Maggies advice to shop around without telling K, and checking your contract to see if you can get any money back.

holyguacamole79

Check your contract. I think one of our vendors had it in the contract that they would reply to correspondence within 2 business days. Otherwise, I'd follow Maggie's advice and start shopping around discreetly.

novella1186

Maggie0829 said:

Lurkers, this is why you should always listen to your gut and not be talked into things by family members that you are not 100% okay with.

OP, I would start looking for another photographer but don't tell K that you are firing her just yet.  Look for a new photog but also see if K ever responds back to you.  If she does, hopefully she has a reason for taking so long to respond or at least apologizes for making you wait.  If she doesn't then dump her ass and hire a new photographer.

I would check what your contract says about your deposit.  I think with my photographer if I cancelled between X date and Y date I got $Z back, but if I cancelled after A date then I got nothing back.

Thanks, I think I'll be doing exactly this. Unfortunately our contract states that the deposit will not be refunded under any circumstance. Considering she knows my parents so well though, there's a slight chance that maybe she'll be nice and just give it back anyway. I'm willing to lose the money at this point, though. 

And yes, your first statement is so important. I never stand up for myself, and every single wedding decision I've let someone else push me into is now making me feel like crap. No more of that. Let this be a lesson to you lurkers. 

climbingsingle

I'd drop her like a hot potato. Definitely find a new photographer. 

novella1186

Yeah, my sister screamed in my face that I was being a bridezilla because I didn't agree with her on something. I wasn't shitty about it, I just said "um... I'm not sure I like that idea..." I do not want to be thought of as a bridezilla, so I agreed with her in the end. Stupid me. I shouldn't even pay attention to her name-calling anyway cuz she just says whatever pops into her head to be mean.

photokitty

Does her contract have an exclusivity clause? Basically - Does it state she can be the only paid photographer?

What does the contract say - anything about contacting you in a timely fashion?

What does it say about your deposit?

How much of the total fee did you put down? Have you practically paid in full or just half or less of the total?

Personally I'd rather lose my $1K than risk never getting my photos. She has the ability to screw you over hard if she is vindictive, by either not showing up or never giving you the images. And as you correctly pointed out - all you'd ever get would be your money back and that's not what you want.

GL!

southernbelle0915

If you decide to fire her, deal with her like she's any other vendor - NOT like she's your sister's friend.

I would probably send her a few more emails (forwarding ones where you got no response) and tell her that, as a paid vendor, you expect a respond by a certain date. If date passes, email again. I would threaten (in a nice way) that if she cannot live up to her end of the contract (it probably says something in there about communication prior to the wedding) that you expect a refund of your deposit and you will be terminating the contract. "since there has been no work done at this point and you have violated our contract by failing to communicate as specified in section ___, I am requesting a refund and to terminate the contract." If she still doesn't respond, I wouldn't hesitate to file a small claims case and tell her you'll be writing a review on every wedding website you know of based on how she handles this. Even if you don't plan on fully pursuing it, she might see a notice from the court and just refund/terminate to avoid any blemishes on her record. 

jerkyanne

Since there is a chance of losing the deposit if you end the agreement on your end, you could always just hire another photographer. That way you will definitely have someone there to take pictures. Then if she doesn't show up, she ended the contract and it would definitely be on her to give the deposit back. Then you use the money to have a kick ass honeymoon.

mimihankston15

Check your contract, but definitely look for another and don't worry about the deposit. If she even does the photos, she may do a crappy job if she is choosing sides. I wouldn't want to have to worry with that…but always go with your gut!

crackktheskyy

I would eat the deposit and drop her even if she does respond.

It seems that you have the impression that she is the kind of person that would do something vindictive, despite the fact that she does have a professional relationship with you. If this is the case, just because she shows up on your wedding day (because she has a contractual obligation to do so) does not mean that she will take spectacular photos.

If you think she's vindictive, I would also worry about her professionalism AT your wedding and the quality of the photos you will receive.

loveislouder

Is it just me or is $1000 a lot for a deposit?

novella1186

In this area, it seems pretty standard. Most of the "known" photographers around here range from $4,000 to $8,500 and a lot of them require 50% of the total fee as their deposit. 

photokitty

loveislouder said:

Is it just me or is $1000 a lot for a deposit?

It's pretty standard to require at least a third down to hold the date with a signed contract, so that doesn't seem like a lot to me.

steph861

novella1186 said:

In this area, it seems pretty standard. Most of the "known" photographers around here range from $4,000 to $8,500 and a lot of them require 50% of the total fee as their deposit. 

huskypuppy14

I paid 175 for my photographer deposit, and then half the cost 2 months prior. I think this was a good deal though.

I would have never paid this woman a deposit because she never delivered when you were her model. Honestly, if she doesn't respond to you, I'd send her an invoice for your hourly charge to model. Say, you never received any pictures and therefore you are charging for your time. 

Then I'd write every bad review I could muster online.

novella1186

Ok, so here is my vent, because I have just had it with my family. Between my psycho bitch sister treating me like garbage and my insane dramatic mother making everything too complicated, I am so annoyed at this point I'm ready to cancel the stupid wedding and just elope. 

Just to keep her in the loop, I e-mailed my mom yesterday to tell her about my decision on the photographer. I didn't present it as "I need your advice," or "I can't make up my mind." I was extremely clear and said "FI and I have thought about it and discussed it. This is what he and I both want. The end." (to fire K and hire a different photographer). I also listed my several valid reasons for the decision, including that hiring K in the first place was really my sister's choice and not mine, and I want to be able to make my own decisions with my FI since it's OUR wedding. 

I get the longest most dramatic e-mail back from her. She listed multiple guilt-trip laden reasons why I can't fire K, which included that my mom and K share a birthday. Um... what? WTF does that have to do with anything? Seriously. Also that she and K's mom are friends. It will upset K's mom (who I don't even know) and "hurt K's feelings" if I don't want her to do my photos. I'm sorry, when did my wedding become all about K and her mom? 

My mom then offered her own solution: that she was going to call K (after I SPECIFICALLY told her to stay out of it and let me deal with it, because she is known for being a major meddler) and "voice these concerns to her to smooth out the situation." Because surely K will act professionally no matter what, and a good heart-to-heart conversation with fix everything. No. Just no. 

If K was going to act professional, she wouldn't be ignoring all my e-mails. My mom also decided to "intervene" in another wedding issue without warning me first and it blew up into a huge uncomfortable extremely awkward situation which completely humiliated me, hurt someone's feelings, and is still not resolved. Even my dad was really mad at her for that one. I don't know how many times I have to tell her to stay out of it. Stupid me for even e-mailing her in the first place, but she gets all upset and huffy if I don't fill her in on what's going on with the wedding stuff, so for some stupid reason I thought I should update her. Never again. 

What makes me the angriest, really, is that my family refuses to listen to what I want, for MY wedding, and equally refuse to listen to what my FI wants, since it's also HIS wedding. They have 0 respect for our choices and only seem to care about themselves and what they want. Every tiny decision I make, every single one, gets criticized by them, second-guessed by them, over-ruled, argued with, and I constantly have to defend myself and hash it out and explain my reasons for the choice. Over and over and over. It's exhausting and I'm sick of it. Beyond sick of it. Even something as plain and simple as "FI and I decided on white table linens." I get: "No! OMG that's so stupid what an awful decision. You'll have taupe linens instead. I want taupe and you don't know anything." 

UGH! Does anyone else have a family like this? And the damn TK better not eat my paragraphs!!!

End rant. 

mrsmagicgeek

I think it's time to stop discussing details with your family. If they ask, just respond with "oh we have that covered, no worries" then bean dip big time.

It sucks, but it needs to be done I think.

esstee33

novella1186 said:

What makes me the angriest, really, is that my family refuses to listen to what I want, for MY wedding, and equally refuse to listen to what my FI wants, since it's also HIS wedding. They have 0 respect for our choices and only seem to care about themselves and what they want. Every tiny decision I make, every single one, gets criticized by them, second-guessed by them, over-ruled, argued with, and I constantly have to defend myself and hash it out and explain my reasons for the choice. Over and over and over. It's exhausting and I'm sick of it. Beyond sick of it. Even something as plain and simple as "FI and I decided on white table linens." I get: "No! OMG that's so stupid what an awful decision. You'll have taupe linens instead. I want taupe and you don't know anything." 

Ugh, this was my family. XH and I wanted a very simple, low-key ceremony & reception outside. Dad insisted I have a church wedding, despite the fact that I hadn't gone to church in over 10 years at that point, and I considered myself agnostic at best. Then they offered to fund basically the entire reception if I had it at a hotel. My mom and sister nitpicked every single thing I chose, ESPECIALLY the flowers, because they said anything but roses would look ugly. I had silk flowers, and my sister kept suggesting these godawful red roses with fake dew drops on them. Ughhhh. 

You need to do what's right for you and FI in this situation, no matter how butthurt your mom is about it. K is not a professional and you do not need to be paying her to act like an ass. 

ETA: My ceremony was actually in a wedding chapel with, like, one reference to God, and my stepmother was SCANDALIZED. 

Liatris2010

I'm sorry, that sounds really awful.

I agree with MrsMagicGeek, just cut them out of wedding stuff altogether. If they bring it up, "I don't want to talk about it right now, but I am looking for a good bean dip recipe!" or "FI and I already have that taken care of, can you pass the bean dip?" and so on.

From now on the only people who know about your wedding planning and you, FI, your vendors, and us.

KatieinBkln

novella1186 said:

Ok, so here is my vent, because I have just had it with my family. Between my psycho bitch sister treating me like garbage and my insane dramatic mother making everything too complicated, I am so annoyed at this point I'm ready to cancel the stupid wedding and just elope. 

Just to keep her in the loop, I e-mailed my mom yesterday to tell her about my decision on the photographer. I didn't present it as "I need your advice," or "I can't make up my mind." I was extremely clear and said "FI and I have thought about it and discussed it. This is what he and I both want. The end." (to fire K and hire a different photographer). I also listed my several valid reasons for the decision, including that hiring K in the first place was really my sister's choice and not mine, and I want to be able to make my own decisions with my FI since it's OUR wedding. 

I get the longest most dramatic e-mail back from her. She listed multiple guilt-trip laden reasons why I can't fire K, which included that my mom and K share a birthday. Um... what? WTF does that have to do with anything? Seriously. Also that she and K's mom are friends. It will upset K's mom (who I don't even know) and "hurt K's feelings" if I don't want her to do my photos. I'm sorry, when did my wedding become all about K and her mom? 

My mom then offered her own solution: that she was going to call K (after I SPECIFICALLY told her to stay out of it and let me deal with it, because she is known for being a major meddler) and "voice these concerns to her to smooth out the situation." Because surely K will act professionally no matter what, and a good heart-to-heart conversation with fix everything. No. Just no. 

If K was going to act professional, she wouldn't be ignoring all my e-mails. My mom also decided to "intervene" in another wedding issue without warning me first and it blew up into a huge uncomfortable extremely awkward situation which completely humiliated me, hurt someone's feelings, and is still not resolved. Even my dad was really mad at her for that one. I don't know how many times I have to tell her to stay out of it. Stupid me for even e-mailing her in the first place, but she gets all upset and huffy if I don't fill her in on what's going on with the wedding stuff, so for some stupid reason I thought I should update her. Never again. 

What makes me the angriest, really, is that my family refuses to listen to what I want, for MY wedding, and equally refuse to listen to what my FI wants, since it's also HIS wedding. They have 0 respect for our choices and only seem to care about themselves and what they want. Every tiny decision I make, every single one, gets criticized by them, second-guessed by them, over-ruled, argued with, and I constantly have to defend myself and hash it out and explain my reasons for the choice. Over and over and over. It's exhausting and I'm sick of it. Beyond sick of it. Even something as plain and simple as "FI and I decided on white table linens." I get: "No! OMG that's so stupid what an awful decision. You'll have taupe linens instead. I want taupe and you don't know anything." 

UGH! Does anyone else have a family like this? And the damn TK better not eat my paragraphs!!!

End rant. 

Holy shit. 

Elope.

southernbelle0915

novella1186 said:

Ok, so here is my vent, because I have just had it with my family. Between my psycho bitch sister treating me like garbage and my insane dramatic mother making everything too complicated, I am so annoyed at this point I'm ready to cancel the stupid wedding and just elope. 

Just to keep her in the loop, I e-mailed my mom yesterday to tell her about my decision on the photographer. I didn't present it as "I need your advice," or "I can't make up my mind." I was extremely clear and said "FI and I have thought about it and discussed it. This is what he and I both want. The end." (to fire K and hire a different photographer). I also listed my several valid reasons for the decision, including that hiring K in the first place was really my sister's choice and not mine, and I want to be able to make my own decisions with my FI since it's OUR wedding. 

I get the longest most dramatic e-mail back from her. She listed multiple guilt-trip laden reasons why I can't fire K, which included that my mom and K share a birthday. Um... what? WTF does that have to do with anything? Seriously. Also that she and K's mom are friends. It will upset K's mom (who I don't even know) and "hurt K's feelings" if I don't want her to do my photos. I'm sorry, when did my wedding become all about K and her mom? 

My mom then offered her own solution: that she was going to call K (after I SPECIFICALLY told her to stay out of it and let me deal with it, because she is known for being a major meddler) and "voice these concerns to her to smooth out the situation." Because surely K will act professionally no matter what, and a good heart-to-heart conversation with fix everything. No. Just no. 

If K was going to act professional, she wouldn't be ignoring all my e-mails. My mom also decided to "intervene" in another wedding issue without warning me first and it blew up into a huge uncomfortable extremely awkward situation which completely humiliated me, hurt someone's feelings, and is still not resolved. Even my dad was really mad at her for that one. I don't know how many times I have to tell her to stay out of it. Stupid me for even e-mailing her in the first place, but she gets all upset and huffy if I don't fill her in on what's going on with the wedding stuff, so for some stupid reason I thought I should update her. Never again. 

What makes me the angriest, really, is that my family refuses to listen to what I want, for MY wedding, and equally refuse to listen to what my FI wants, since it's also HIS wedding. They have 0 respect for our choices and only seem to care about themselves and what they want. Every tiny decision I make, every single one, gets criticized by them, second-guessed by them, over-ruled, argued with, and I constantly have to defend myself and hash it out and explain my reasons for the choice. Over and over and over. It's exhausting and I'm sick of it. Beyond sick of it. Even something as plain and simple as "FI and I decided on white table linens." I get: "No! OMG that's so stupid what an awful decision. You'll have taupe linens instead. I want taupe and you don't know anything." 

UGH! Does anyone else have a family like this? And the damn TK better not eat my paragraphs!!!

End rant. 

Is your family paying for this wedding? If so, you need to suck it up because they get a say. Alert to lurkers - this is a great example of why you should decline financial assistance if your family is crazypants.

If they're not paying, WHY THE FUCK DO YOU KEEP SHARING WEDDING DETAILS WITH THEM?!? They're guests, not consultants. Ignore their requests for information since it obviously just causes more problems than solutions.

novella1186

my parents are paying for the food and bar. That's about it. I've already paid for my dress, dj, band, stationary, venue, etc etc etc, and FI's amazing awesome parents are contributing a good chunk too. His parents have been totally low-key, respect what we choose, don't butt in, and have just generally been wonderful. Mine have been a nightmare. 

Cookie Pusher

southernbelle0915 said:

Is your family paying for this wedding? If so, you need to suck it up because they get a say. Alert to lurkers - this is a great example of why you should decline financial assistance if your family is crazypants.

If they're not paying, WHY THE FUCK DO YOU KEEP SHARING WEDDING DETAILS WITH THEM?!? They're guests, not consultants. Ignore their requests for information since it obviously just causes more problems than solutions.

This. If they aren't footing the bill, there is no reason you should be telling them ANYTHING about your wedding other than the when and where. The last situation your mother put you in should have been a sign to stop sharing information.

southernbelle0915

novella1186 said:

my parents are paying for the food and bar. That's about it. I've already paid for my dress, dj, band, stationary, venue, etc etc etc, and FI's amazing awesome parents are contributing a good chunk too. His parents have been totally low-key, respect what we choose, don't butt in, and have just generally been wonderful. Mine have been a nightmare. 

Then no. Stop sharing any details with them. I can't imagine why you keep talking to them about things if it's stressing you out. Seriously. Just stop. You will be SO much happier. Bean dip the shit out of them and don't be afraid to say stuff like "we are getting white linens and the subject is closed."

Unless your mom's name is on the photographer contract, handle it exactly how you want to and completely ignore her email. Obviously you know you shouldn't have emailed her in the first place, but that's water under the bridge. Pretend her stupid email didn't happen and remind your photographer that YOU are the point of contact regarding your contract/service and she is not to discuss your wedding with anyone except YOU. 

PrettyGirlLost

novella1186 said:

Ok, so here is my vent, because I have just had it with my family. Between my psycho bitch sister treating me like garbage and my insane dramatic mother making everything too complicated, I am so annoyed at this point I'm ready to cancel the stupid wedding and just elope. 

Just to keep her in the loop, I e-mailed my mom yesterday to tell her about my decision on the photographer. I didn't present it as "I need your advice," or "I can't make up my mind." I was extremely clear and said "FI and I have thought about it and discussed it. This is what he and I both want. The end." (to fire K and hire a different photographer). I also listed my several valid reasons for the decision, including that hiring K in the first place was really my sister's choice and not mine, and I want to be able to make my own decisions with my FI since it's OUR wedding.   Why does your mother need to be kept in the loop with details regarding your wedding?  Is she paying for it?  Was she paying for the photographer?  If the answers are No and No, then this was an unnecessary email, and it sounds as if you were seeking validation for your decision.  We already gave you validation- you are completely justified in firing that bitch! ;-)

Don't discuss your wedding details with you family any more.  If they bring something up, kindly say you don't really want to talk about the wedding right now and then change the subject.

I get the longest most dramatic e-mail back from her. She listed multiple guilt-trip laden reasons why I can't fire K, which included that my mom and K share a birthday. Um... what? WTF does that have to do with anything? Seriously. Also that she and K's mom are friends. It will upset K's mom (who I don't even know) and "hurt K's feelings" if I don't want her to do my photos. I'm sorry, when did my wedding become all about K and her mom?   Your wedding isn't about anyone else but you and your FI. . . well until the reception ;-)  Don't engage your mother on this topic further.  Stick to your decision, find a new photog, and that's it.  If your mom keeps pestering you, you could say one final time, "Mom, FI and I are hiring a new photog because unfortunately K is unreliable and unprofessional, and there's no more discussion to be had on the topic. This decision is not personal, it's professional, and it has no bearing on your relationship with her mother, nor is it any reflection on her mother.  I'm sure her mother is a very nice person and a good friend to you."

My mom then offered her own solution: that she was going to call K (after I SPECIFICALLY told her to stay out of it and let me deal with it, because she is known for being a major meddler) then you shouldn't have involved your mother by discussing this topic with her.  Huge mistake on your part.  Your mother *will* call K and probably her mother as well.  and "voice these concerns to her to smooth out the situation." Because surely K will act professionally no matter what, and a good heart-to-heart conversation with fix everything. No. Just no. 

If K was going to act professional, she wouldn't be ignoring all my e-mails. My mom also decided to "intervene" in another wedding issue without warning me first and it blew up into a huge uncomfortable extremely awkward situation which completely humiliated me, hurt someone's feelings, and is still not resolved. Even my dad was really mad at her for that one. I don't know how many times I have to tell her to stay out of it. Stupid me for even e-mailing her in the first place, but she gets all upset and huffy if I don't fill her in on what's going on with the wedding stuff, so for some stupid reason I thought I should update her. Never again.  It sounds like your mother is conflict-driven; She likes the drama of conflict and actively seeks to create it.  Don't let her suck you into this shit again, lol!  Stop sharing so much with her.

What makes me the angriest, really, is that my family refuses to listen to what I want, for MY wedding, and equally refuse to listen to what my FI wants, since it's also HIS wedding. They have 0 respect for our choices and only seem to care about themselves and what they want. Every tiny decision I make, every single one, gets criticized by them, second-guessed by them, over-ruled, argued with, and I constantly have to defend myself and hash it out and explain my reasons for the choice. Over and over and over. It's exhausting and I'm sick of it. Beyond sick of it. Even something as plain and simple as "FI and I decided on white table linens." I get: "No! OMG that's so stupid what an awful decision. You'll have taupe linens instead. I want taupe and you don't know anything."   Again, who is paying for this wedding?  If you and your FI are, then honestly it doesn't fucking matter what your family thinks or wants.  And stop giving them any information, don't discuss the details of the wedding with them.  As you begin to break yourself of that habit, learn to say things like "Oh I'm sorry, I wasn't actually asking for your opinion.  It just seems we have different taste" and then continuing on with what you were saying or changing the subject.

UGH! Does anyone else have a family like this? And the damn TK better not eat my paragraphs!!!

Yes, actually.  My family at times doesn't understand when someone is asking for an opinion vs. stating what they are doing, and they also think that if you don't agree with their opinion you are starting a fight, attacking them, etc.  I stopped telling certain ppl specifics unless they asked or someone else brought the wedding up, and I had to be so blunt a few times as to say (but calmly), " I appreciate your feedback, but I wasn't actually looking for an opinion.  You asked me what we were doing for XYZ, and I was giving you the answer."

End rant. 

Maggie0829

novella1186 said:

my parents are paying for the food and bar. That's about it. I've already paid for my dress, dj, band, stationary, venue, etc etc etc, and FI's amazing awesome parents are contributing a good chunk too. His parents have been totally low-key, respect what we choose, don't butt in, and have just generally been wonderful. Mine have been a nightmare. 

Then the food and the bar are the only things that you need to discuss with your parents.

As for FI parents, if things are going fine with them then continue including them in wedding discussions.  But your family, limit it to the food and bar.

novella1186

The whole sharing everything with my parents thing came out of yet another dramatic blow-up. My mom was being a total nightmare about the guest list and literally starting a matter of HOURS after we got engaged, she started nagging me about who I was going to invite. I had no idea I was getting engaged, so I hadn't even thought of any wedding stuff yet. 

After we made a guest list (and I was very considerate in inviting as many of my parents friends as possible while still trying to keep the small intimate wedding FI and I both wanted and staying within our budget) she continued to nag me to no end and tried to make me feel bad about not inviting other people (like the woman who babysat me once more than 20 years ago who's the sister of a friend of my parents). 

She was bombarding me with emails and texts while I was at work, so finally I got fed up and replied to whatever naggy question she asked with a simple "NO. And I'm done talking about this. The end." Well, my mother ran to my sister and cried about how I was being so mean to her and acting like a bitch. My sister (here's the ironic part, since my sister constantly treats my parents like total garbage just like she does to everyone else) became enraged that I was "being such a terrible person" and completely went off on me. Like screamed at me and insulted me for over an hour, called me all kinds of names, said how dare I treat mom like "shit" etc etc etc. 

This caused me to do some self-reflection and question if maybe I was being too impatient and rude to my mom, so I took a deep breath and started sharing more with her and discussing more with her so she wouldn't feel hurt and I wouldn't feel like a terrible person. Families are great, aren't they?

OliveOilsMom

I think that you should get some counseling on how to deal with your family. It will help your sanity and stress levels immensly. A blanket statement going forward with anyone in your family can be, "Mom, I know that you are upset with certain aspects of the wedding. But this is the wedding that FI and I want to have. There will be no further discussion on the wedding, unless its about food or the bar." Then hang up or leave the room. And do this for any other person who tries to butt in too.