Bridesmaid wants to bring twins dress shopping

LakeR2014

I'm going to sidestep everything and just ask a question:

"Does the bridal salon you're going to allow children?"

I went to three different bridal salons and all of them stated something to the tune of 'Unless children are present to try on clothes, for the pleasure of everyone in the salons, we do not allow children.'

kmmssg

While I never had twins all of my babies were breastfed and I had to return to work.  I guess I was fortunate that I never had any problems with them going back and forth between the bottle and the breast and being able to pump.

I am going to fall in the camp of finding fault with both of you and I think she is acting very childishly.  She is going to have 6 month old twins that she has NEVER EVER been away from?  And don't get me started on expecting grandparents to babysit.  I have 6 grandkids and I am NOT your built in babysitter! 

I will also go as far as saying I would not have had nearly the experience I had with my girls when they were dress shopping if twins would have been in the mix.  I just don't think babies belong at wedding dress or bridesmaid dress shopping excursions.

You have 2 choices here.  You can leave things as they are or you can go to her and say, "Hey, let's start over.  The colors at David's Bridal are A, B, and C.  The designer's who carry these colors are 1, 2, 3, and 4.  We went with knee length.  Shop when it works for you and let's put this behind us.

My 4th DD got married in June and each of her girls wore a different color and a different dress, different designer.  It really does work out pretty easy peasy - you don't all have to be there.  I paid for the MOH's dress (she was one of my other girls) and I ordered it from Pearl's Place just about 100 days before the wedding.  It was an Alfred Angelo and I got stuck with a $60.00 rush fee.  You don't need to order dresses months and months and months early, but you should ask around as to when rush fees kick in.

Since you are going to be in each other's lives for a very long time, I encourage you to try starting over with her.  I really don't have that big of a problem with anything you did, but I do think some of this is fixable.

southernbelle0915

LakeR2014 said:

I'm going to sidestep everything and just ask a question:

"Does the bridal salon you're going to allow children?"

I went to three different bridal salons and all of them stated something to the tune of 'Unless children are present to try on clothes, for the pleasure of everyone in the salons, we do not allow children.'

This is how mine was. I was allowed to bring 4 guests, but no children.

hyechica81

she is going to davids its just the nearest davids bridal in canada where they all live is 2.5 hours away 

renshouse

I can tell you that she has never ever been away from her twins, the father has never watched them on his own. She always get his mother to babysit and thats only if she is running to the store or anything quick like that. With all that aside. 

I would not have cared if she didn’t come, would it have been a fun experience to share with her, yes. I told the girls before hand that I dont expect their lives to revolve around the wedding, I dont care about a jack and jill or bachelorette. However I do think that if she couldnt come that day, that she should have found arrangements to get a dress (whether it be online, going another day or any other options) The reason I became upset is because when I told her we would be too busy to watch her kids and the FMIL did not want to come she got very angry and quit without offering any solutions. Her solution was to quit. I honestly dont think dress shopping in a bridal boutique is the best place to bring children, especially when everyone will be too busy to watch them (had my FMIL wanted to come I would have sucked it up). I also really didn’t want her driving with twins on a busy highway (I would just be worried if there was ever an accident)

At this point she has quit and i really think its for the best. She had hesitations from the day I asked her (she told my MOH but not me) and I wish she had told me before it had gotten to this point. While I know she is only FBILs gf, we have been in each others lives for 4 years and become close with the birth of the twins. Her older daughter is also my flower girl 

I agree with a lot of you that I just need to apologize and be the bigger person because there is fault on both sides. I hate conflict, even if its conflict resolution. So I think I will take the one suggestion and send an Apple Crisp (she loves my Apple crisp) as a peace offering and just apologize that things got out of hand.

I really appreciate everyones responses!

pegasuskat

I think sending her the apple crisp and apologizing is the best you can do in the situation.  I would never want to shop for dresses with 2 babies, so I don't blame you for that part.  But you probably should have offered the solutions to defuse the situation.  Yes, she flew off the handle, but its stressful to have a new baby, especially twins!  Try one more time, I would even go so far now as to tell her that you hate it got so out of hand, and that you would love to come over and online shop with her one day.  Maybe she will reconsider.  If your doing dresses from Davids and they pick a color it will match, the only difference would be fabric types can change the color sheen, but their colors are consistent.

southernbelle0915

renshouse said:

I can tell you that she has never ever been away from her twins, the father has never watched them on his own. She always get his mother to babysit and thats only if she is running to the store or anything quick like that. With all that aside. 

I would not have cared if she didn’t come, would it have been a fun experience to share with her, yes. I told the girls before hand that I dont expect their lives to revolve around the wedding, I dont care about a jack and jill or bachelorette. However I do think that if she couldnt come that day, that she should have found arrangements to get a dress (whether it be online, going another day or any other options) The reason I became upset is because when I told her we would be too busy to watch her kids and the FMIL did not want to come she got very angry and quit without offering any solutions. Her solution was to quit. I honestly dont think dress shopping in a bridal boutique is the best place to bring children, especially when everyone will be too busy to watch them (had my FMIL wanted to come I would have sucked it up). I also really didn’t want her driving with twins on a busy highway (I would just be worried if there was ever an accident)

At this point she has quit and i really think its for the best. She had hesitations from the day I asked her (she told my MOH but not me) and I wish she had told me before it had gotten to this point. While I know she is only FBILs gf, we have been in each others lives for 4 years and become close with the birth of the twins. Her older daughter is also my flower girl 

I agree with a lot of you that I just need to apologize and be the bigger person because there is fault on both sides. I hate conflict, even if its conflict resolution. So I think I will take the one suggestion and send an Apple Crisp (she loves my Apple crisp) as a peace offering and just apologize that things got out of hand.

I really appreciate everyones responses!

Sometimes it's just easier for people to attend as guests.

P.S. if anyone offers to throw you a jack & jill - definitely decline. They're majorly against etiquette.

PrettyGirlLost

jerkyanne said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

jerkyanne said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

Lol looks like I have the unpopular opinion here!

Well, I do agree you need to decline some things if you are unwilling to leave your kids. I don't think shopping is one of them. From the op, it sounded like the bride was the one who said she didn't want the other bms babysitting, not that the mother suggested it. The mother thought FMIL was coming, which I don't think is unreasonable (though i think she should have cleared it with FMIL first).

When I was a new mother and still breastfeeding I hated pumping and my son eventually began to prefer bottles. So starting bottles when you are not ready is not a decision i think anyone but yourself can make. And bridesmaid dress shopping for a ss is not one i would pick.

Read my point of clarification. But supposedly the girlfriend is the one that stated twice she can't watch her kids on her own. That's what I based my comment on.

I'm not a total unreasonable baby hater!

I was more trying to make my point clearer, not imply you're a baby hater.

Oh I know hun, no worries.

PrettyGirlLost

I just want to caution you on Davids Bridal dresses. . . The last two I had to get for weddings were non returnable.

AprilH81

My sister was breastfeeding twins when I went WEDDING dress shopping.  They came along and were happy as clams in the stroller with a few rattles.

She brought them when we picked out HER dress.  One started fussing and I picked her up and played with her will my sister tried on dresses.

I fail to see the big deal in having BABIES along.  I would be more sympathetic if they were 6 and would be bored during the appointment, but these babies aren't going to be an issue.

Maggie0829

Just from what I experienced with my niece and also with friends who have babies that are between 6 and 9 months old...that age is seriously one of the cutest and happiest ages for babies.  They aren't really mobile yet and they are typically happy sitting while someone is making funny faces at them or shaking a toy around.  And I also really can't see how to babies are going to be that much of a distraction, I mean you are picking out dresses not curing cancer so it isn't like you need to concentrate that hard.

But I think you both handled the situation wrong and she is acting childish with the whole deleting you as a friend on FB.

But at this point, you apologized and that is really all you can do so just move on.

PrettyGirlLost

AprilH81 said:

My sister was breastfeeding twins when I went WEDDING dress shopping.  They came along and were happy as clams in the stroller with a few rattles.

She brought them when we picked out HER dress.  One started fussing and I picked her up and played with her will my sister tried on dresses.

I fail to see the big deal in having BABIES along.  I would be more sympathetic if they were 6 and would be bored during the appointment, but these babies aren't going to be an issue.

Well, we don't know how this woman's babies are going to act.  My niece as an infant-1.5 years was an easy keeper- calm, happy, slept anywhere, content to sit in a carrier and watch what was going on, etc.  My nephew, her brother, is almost 6 months old and he's the exact opposite- he's fussy, clingy, hates to be in a carrier, etc.  He'd be a pain in the ass in a bridal shop now, but when he was younger he was just fine.


I think the issue is that the girlfriend is the one claiming she can't watch her kids herself, without assistance, and that the OP doesn't want to help babysit while dress shopping, let alone ask other people who don't even know this girlfriend to help her watch her kids.

southernbelle0915

PrettyGirlLost said:

AprilH81 said:

My sister was breastfeeding twins when I went WEDDING dress shopping.  They came along and were happy as clams in the stroller with a few rattles.

She brought them when we picked out HER dress.  One started fussing and I picked her up and played with her will my sister tried on dresses.

I fail to see the big deal in having BABIES along.  I would be more sympathetic if they were 6 and would be bored during the appointment, but these babies aren't going to be an issue.

Well, we don't know how this woman's babies are going to act.  My niece as an infant-1.5 years was an easy keeper- calm, happy, slept anywhere, content to sit in a carrier and watch what was going on, etc.  My nephew, her brother, is almost 6 months old and he's the exact opposite- he's fussy, clingy, hates to be in a carrier, etc.  He'd be a pain in the ass in a bridal shop now, but when he was younger he was just fine.

I think the issue is that the girlfriend is the one claiming she can't watch her kids herself, without assistance, and that the OP doesn't want to help babysit while dress shopping, let alone ask other people who don't even know this girlfriend to help her watch her kids.

Exactly this.

Babies are all different (some calm, some colicky) and they have good days and bad days. That is totally irrelevant, though, because the issue here is NOT how the babies will behave or whether they'll be cute. 

The issue is 1) Whether the kids are invited. They're not. and 2) Who's going to watch them. The BM doesn't want to watch her own kids and is expecting others to do it for her. No one wants to do it. So there they are. The obvious solution is that if she cannot be separated from her children for 6 hours, she can't go. 

On a more general note and completely unrelated to the OP's dress shopping scenario, I just don't really understand this. If I get pregnant and have a kid, I have 12 weeks of maternity leave and then I'm going back to working an 8 hour day (basically 10 with my commute and if I eat lunch). Children are not invited or welcome in my office. So then what? I'm probably still nursing, but if I want to have a job and an income, I need to leave my 3 month old kid with someone else for 10 hours a day. 

Zhabeego

She's being a cow. Absolutely no one wants children tagging along when they dress shop unless they themselves gave birth to them and probably not even then. This chick isn't family. She's your FBIL's girlfriend/baby mama. Thank your stars she unfriended you and go about your life.

laceykeo

southernbelle0915 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

AprilH81 said:

My sister was breastfeeding twins when I went WEDDING dress shopping.  They came along and were happy as clams in the stroller with a few rattles.

She brought them when we picked out HER dress.  One started fussing and I picked her up and played with her will my sister tried on dresses.

I fail to see the big deal in having BABIES along.  I would be more sympathetic if they were 6 and would be bored during the appointment, but these babies aren't going to be an issue.

Well, we don't know how this woman's babies are going to act.  My niece as an infant-1.5 years was an easy keeper- calm, happy, slept anywhere, content to sit in a carrier and watch what was going on, etc.  My nephew, her brother, is almost 6 months old and he's the exact opposite- he's fussy, clingy, hates to be in a carrier, etc.  He'd be a pain in the ass in a bridal shop now, but when he was younger he was just fine.

I think the issue is that the girlfriend is the one claiming she can't watch her kids herself, without assistance, and that the OP doesn't want to help babysit while dress shopping, let alone ask other people who don't even know this girlfriend to help her watch her kids.

Exactly this.

Babies are all different (some calm, some colicky) and they have good days and bad days. That is totally irrelevant, though, because the issue here is NOT how the babies will behave or whether they'll be cute. 

The issue is 1) Whether the kids are invited. They're not. and 2) Who's going to watch them. The BM doesn't want to watch her own kids and is expecting others to do it for her. No one wants to do it. So there they are. The obvious solution is that if she cannot be separated from her children for 6 hours, she can't go. 

On a more general note and completely unrelated to the OP's dress shopping scenario, I just don't really understand this. If I get pregnant and have a kid, I have 12 weeks of maternity leave and then I'm going back to working an 8 hour day (basically 10 with my commute and if I eat lunch). Children are not invited or welcome in my office. So then what? I'm probably still nursing, but if I want to have a job and an income, I need to leave my 3 month old kid with someone else for 10 hours a day. 

***Stoopidmobilesitecan'ttellwheretheboxisat***


Just on your last paragraph (don't know how to bold on mobile, sorry), if you know you have to go back to work at three months, then you start preparation for baby to be bottle fed. You decide if that will be breast milk or formula, and go from there. If it's going to be breast milk, your workplace should be providing you with somewhere to pump during the working day, in order to keep your supply up/have additional bottles ready for baby.

If (like my friend I mentioned above) baby won't take to a bottle, or you are not comfortable switching to a bottle because you wish to continue solely breast feeding, then you either make arrangements for someone to bring baby in to work at feed times, or, don't go back to work.

laceykeo

Zhabeego said:

She's being a cow. Absolutely no one wants children tagging along when they dress shop unless they themselves gave birth to them and probably not even then.

This chick isn't family. She's your FBIL's girlfriend/baby mama. Thank your stars she unfriended you and go about your life.

***igiveupalready***

This seems a little cold and unnecessary... Op has said that she will approach with a peace offering; I think that's the best thing she can do now.

We may be able to look at this and claim the woman is crazy for wanting to bring twin babies out dress shopping, however, she is a brand new mother. At the moment she probably can't understand how on earth she's ever gonna leave those kids alone for more than five minutes.

Of course. Six months down the line she may have completely changed her tune and be desperate for a day out away from the kids, but, for now, it is what it is.

cdeshane

Actually newborns DO eat about every two hours. Their stomachs are tiny. However I would not say a 6 month old is a newborn. They are an infant but not newborn. Mine also had reflux so we had to do smaller amounts more frequently until he was about 15 months. I hate when people judge parents and don't have a clue what they are dealing with. Many times twins are early and premies have a high chance of having GERD. Also a lot of breast feeding moms will hold off on solids even longer to prevent babies from weaning.

Do I think she should have gotten all bent out of shape about it? Depends on what options she was offered. But if I couldn't go because of my baby I would have probably just said this trip won't work for me. We will try again a different time.

And one more thing...I was more horomonal for the first year after pregnancy then I ever was during my pregnancy. Emotions do not just snap back as soon as you deliver. She may be more sensitive still. Especially if she really wanted to be part of this and is feeling left out because she is not comfortable with the options.

classyduck

I haven't read all the responses, so I apologize if I'm repeating anyone.

I also have to give the caveat that I hate the tradition of matchy matchy dictated attire for the wedding party. So, I realize I'm an anomaly (unfortunately), and please read my comments with a grain of salt.

Basically, you offered the "honor" to her of being a bridesmaid, but then imposed an expensive restriction of buying an expensive dress of your choosing on a given dress-buying outing. And then you also implied that she must not bring her children, whom would presumably not terribly impede her ability to try on dresses. So this seems like a pretty arbitrary and kind-of selfish imposition on your part.

What an honor, to have to spend so much of her own money, and so much of her own inconvenience, to be the perfect accessory to your bridal procession.

I do apologize if this sounds cruel, I don't mean it to be. But, honestly, this is what a lot of American weddings come across to me as. Please keep it in mind... your honored attendant is trying to be a good mother and attend her children. She can do both -- attend you, and attend her children. Let her.

I'm sure you are a great and valued friend to your wedding party and guests, and I hope you will be a good hostess too. Just don't forget to also be an excellent hostess your wedding party.

kitsunegari89

Why does everyone make dress shopping, tasting, buying shoes, into an event? I picked a nice dress that was in stock and in the sale section at Jcrew, and my bridesmaids either went and got it in store or ordered it online. There is no need to make an invitation-only event out of dress shopping, and that time would be better served somewhere more productive.

southernbelle0915

Zhabeego said:

She's being a cow. Absolutely no one wants children tagging along when they dress shop unless they themselves gave birth to them and probably not even then. This chick isn't family. She's your FBIL's girlfriend/baby mama. Thank your stars she unfriended you and go about your life.

To the first bolded: Whoa, easy there.

To the second bolded: Got your judgy pants on too tight this morning? The term "baby mama" is cringe worthy at best and basically a disrespectful/judgy way to refer to someone having a baby out of wedlock.

I agree with you this woman is being unreasonable to expect her kids are invited, but I don't think that makes her a "cow" or that she should be subject to condescending labels. 

renshouse

I just want to let everyone know, that I am not making this into an "event". I had discussed it with my bridesmaids and we figured we would all drive up together to save on gas (as I mentioned the closest Davids bridal is near Toronto, about 2.5 hours from us) and they all wanted to be there when we picked not only my dress, but theirs as well. 

It was a group choice, no one is forcing anyone. I dont see anything wrong with us going to get our dresses together. Maybe its just something we do in Canada, but I dont think I know anyone who didn’t go dress with their Bridesmaids (but I did give them a choice) 

I also never told "Sally" that she had to come. She just quit because my FMIL didn’t want to go dress shopping with us and I didn’t want to be responsible for babysitting and I certainly didn’t want to make my bridesmaids babysit either.. I am also letting them choice a dress they like within their price range (most are $100 or less) 

renshouse

Update: I apologized and sent over Apple Crisp. She thanked me for the apology but then told me she didn’t think she could forget this and move past it..(even though she is the one who harassed me and called me names)  So while I feel like the bigger person, it didn’t seem to make a difference

OliveOilsMom

renshouse said:

Update: I apologized and sent over Apple Crisp. She thanked me for the apology but then told me she didn’t think she could forget this and move past it..(even though she is the one who harassed me and called me names)  So while I feel like the bigger person, it didn’t seem to make a difference

You did what YOU could do to try and fix this.  Now everything is in her hands.  So hopefully with some time she will move past this.  Just give her space now.

[Deleted User]

In the end, her being a bridesmaid might have overwhelmed her and made her stressed and prone to lash out at you even if she didn't mean to. This might be a blessing in disguise. At least you did your part to extend an olive branch and she knows it. Her attitude from here on out is something you shouldn't stress yourself over.

SP29

Glad you apologized- I think that is the best you can do in the situation. I get where you were coming from, but I think both sides had fault. However, probably for the best she is not a BM.

Too bad she hasn't accepted the apology, but the ball is in her court now. Leave her some space. 

southernbelle0915

renshouse said:

Update: I apologized and sent over Apple Crisp. She thanked me for the apology but then told me she didn’t think she could forget this and move past it..(even though she is the one who harassed me and called me names)  So while I feel like the bigger person, it didn’t seem to make a difference

You've been the bigger person. If she can't move past this, she's dramatic. Let her be.