BM snark about brothers FI

charlottesmom0626

My brother and his girlfriend recently got engaged (yay), then she asked me to be a bridesmaid. I was honored...but this is where the snark comes in: my brother mentioned she went shopping for dresses with her bridesmaids. I live far away, so I didn't expect to physically be at the actual shopping session, but it would have been nice to be included. Whatever, I figured it wasn't a huge deal...especially since they have been engaged a few weeks, don't have a venue or date: I thought maybe it was a fun way to spend the afternoon just browsing. Tonight I get an email from brothers FI that says "I know you all know this already but here's the style number for the dress at nordstorms, it's currently 15% off" well no, I had no information about this, but also now I'm supposed to buy a $200 dress from a retail store when you have NO idea when or where the wedding is? What if you end up finding a venue that's booked for a year, I'm supposed to keep this in my closet? What if it sells out and all of us can't purchase the same dress? I guess I'm a bit confused. I've been in weddings where we went to a bridal store, tried on dresses and placed orders...and I've told my BMs to buy their own dress in a similar color scheme, so I understand there's more than one way to do this, but I'm concerned I'm going to throw money out on a dress that she may change her mind on once she finds a venue, picks a time of year, etc. am I being crazy? Edit: tried to fix paragraphs but the knot refuses

holyguacamole79

charlottesmom0626 said:

My brother and his girlfriend recently got engaged (yay), then she asked me to be a bridesmaid. I was honored...but this is where the snark comes in: my brother mentioned she went shopping for dresses with her bridesmaids. I live far away, so I didn't expect to physically be at the actual shopping session, but it would have been nice to be included. Whatever, I figured it wasn't a huge deal...especially since they have been engaged a few weeks, don't have a venue or date: I thought maybe it was a fun way to spend the afternoon just browsing. Tonight I get an email from brothers FI that says "I know you all know this already but here's the style number for the dress at nordstorms, it's currently 15% off" well no, I had no information about this, but also now I'm supposed to buy a $200 dress from a retail store when you have NO idea when or where the wedding is? What if you end up finding a venue that's booked for a year, I'm supposed to keep this in my closet? What if it sells out and all of us can't purchase the same dress? I guess I'm a bit confused. I've been in weddings where we went to a bridal store, tried on dresses and placed orders...and I've told my BMs to buy their own dress in a similar color scheme, so I understand there's more than one way to do this, but I'm concerned I'm going to throw money out on a dress that she may change her mind on once she finds a venue, picks a time of year, etc. am I being crazy? Edit: tried to fix paragraphs but the knot refuses

Does she expect you to buy the dress now? She may think that she's just being helpful by letting you know about the sale. What does the dress look like?

charlottesmom0626

http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/eliza-j-long-crochet-dress/3739354?cm_pla=dresses:women:dress&cm_ven=display_rt&cm_cat=tellapart&cm_ite=core I don't think it's a dress they have all the time. I'm under the impression when it sells out, it's gone. I texted her asking for clarification on if I should be buying this today, but I'm really hesitant to do that. Edit: also just realized it's marketed as a MOB dress, which is funny.

holyguacamole79

That's a pretty dress, and unless their wedding ends up being over the top fancy, I think it could be dressed up or down depending on the venue. And luckily navy is neutral enough that it should blend nicely. I've also noticed that MOB dresses are (thankfully) becoming less matronly.  

 I certainly hope that she's not expecting you to buy to now, though!

charlottesmom0626

I don't mind the dress at all, I just don't see myself wearing it if she changes her mind, or somehow the other girls can't get it.. I hope you're right, I can just wait it out a little longer and purchase later on

holyguacamole79

I would definitely not want to buy a dress this early, either ... Especially without a date set! Sounds like the planning timeline is a bit out of whack.

charlottesmom0626

....got the text back: yes, buy it now. Ugh.

beethery

My word. She should've set a date, consulted her bridesmaids on budget, and then picked a dress or dress style.

That lady needs to get her shit in the right order.

climbingsingle

Yeah, she's doing things completely out of order. I'd be annoyed at this too. I say, snark on!

holyguacamole79

charlottesmom0626 said:

....got the text back: yes, buy it now.
Ugh.

Okay, I'm done giving her the benefit of the doubt. Wtf?!?!?!?

charlottesmom0626

So now, do I just buy this dress and keep it in my closet indefinitely? Do I say something to her about it?

holyguacamole79

charlottesmom0626 said:

So now, do I just buy this dress and keep it in my closet indefinitely? Do I say something to her about it?

I would ask if they have nailed down things like date & venue. Is the dress within your budget? If not, I would DEFINITELY say something.

charlottesmom0626

The best part is that I don't have a nordstrom within 50 miles, so I have to buy two upfront and return whichever doesn't fit (I'm not sure of my size)

holyguacamole79

Yeah, that blows.

beethery

I'd already be telling her right up front that it's out of your budget. If she throws a fit, this is her own fault for not consulting you ahead of time.

charlottesmom0626

I texted her asking if she's sure this is the dress, because she doesn't have a venue/time of year for the wedding I thought perhaps she may change her mind in the future. Her response? "they can be worn in all seasons (probably true) and besides I didn't pick them, one of the other BM did and I just wanted to be easy since I didn't really care." Um hold the phone. You don't care so you let another girl decide I can spend that kind of money on a dress I won't wear in the future? Without consulting me at all? Cool. Glad to start this relationship off on a good foot.

beethery

Pretend this is you and zoom the fuck out of that bridal party. It's only been a few weeks since they got engaged and it's already a damn mess. DO YOURSELF A FAVOR.

JCbride2015

Yeah.... no.  That's not how this works.  I foresee many bumps down the road if this is how her relationship with the BMs is already starting off.  Didn't even ask your budget?  She hasn't picked a venue, date, or her OWN dress yet?  So much nope.

If you can do it gracefully, you might be wise to bow out of the wedding now.  Say it's the distance, or whatever.  Not necessarily because of the dress, but if she's going to be this pushy so early, things will only get worse.

jynxiie

I think her actions are ridiculous...

I do have to say though - that dress is gorgeous!

wrigleyville

I would be piiiiiiiissed if someone didn't ask about my budget first.

I know this is your FSIL, so it's important to tread lightly, but yeah. That's not okay.

charlottesmom0626

Thanks y'all. Im tying really hard to be supportive to my brother and his FI because my parents are not. They thought it was rude of them to get engaged while I'm planning my wedding (I disagree, you all know- you get one day not the whole year) and they aren't a fan of the age gap (he's 22, she's 30) and they think my brother is too young to get married ("he hasn't done anything with his life on his own!"). I agree that my brother is too young for this marriage for an entirely different reason: they have no money saved, no plan for the future, and no steady jobs. I agreed to be in the BP thinking it would help me bond with my FSIL and perhaps convince my parents to be more accepting... I think my current plan is to buy the dress, send FSIL a text saying "I got the dress, it looks great! But I'd really love to be more involved with the other BMs for upcoming wedding decisions" and see how it goes. If someone tells me that I "owe" money for a shower or bachelorette, or doesn't consult me on dates and expects me to show up, I'm stepping down ASAP. Edit: perhaps the knot hates my iPad? Paragraphs are eaten

southernbelle0915

I think you know how this is going to end up (you'll be buying shoes, jewelry, given jobs, planning/paying for parties, paying for make-up, etc.). She/Her BM who chose this dress obviously don't have an f-ing clue how to plan or be considerate of BMs budgets. The forecast doesn't look sunny. I think you have a few options:

1) Bow out gracefully now; attend as a guest and save yourself massive headaches

2) Tell her you can't afford that dress and she needs to choose something in your budget of $___ (planting the seed that she needs to consult people and not just spend others' money willy nilly) 

3) Suck it up and brace yourself for the long road ahead.

I know which I'd pick....

charlottesmom0626

@southernbelle0915
I think she's a bit confused/mislead about bridesmaids. When she asked me she also said "I understand if you can't be a BM because you're planning your own wedding and it can be expensive" so I'm unsure if she is somehow under the impression that agreeing to be a BM means an unlimited budget? Which is obviously crazy.

To be fair, this dress is within a price range I can afford, it is pretty, and I probably wouldn't have batted an eye to purchase it had I been consulted, or if she had chosen a date/venue already...

Although I agree with everything you said, I think I'm being a chicken and refusing to speak up now because I feel like I should have said something sooner. My initial reaction to the dress wasn't "this is out of my budget!" so I feel kind of silly to go back and say that now. It's actually not about the money, and more about the courtesy.

Maggie0829

I absolutely hate the length of the dress.  It would look a lot cuter as a short dress, so keep that in mind if for some reason the bride changes her mind on the BM dresses.

Honestly, I wouldn't be buying that dress until a date and venue has been set in stone.  Talk about putting the cart before the horse.

redwoodoriginal

Yikes. This sounds like a hot mess. Could you respond with something like "it's a bit out of my budget at the moment. Could we hold off on purchasing a dress for awhile or search for something where I have access to trying one on myself?" :-/

HaileyDancingbear

Seems like you have it already figured out, but if something happens and you DO get stuck with the dress, you could consider getting it altered to be knee-length so it's wearable elsewhere and your money isn't wasted.  I could see that being adorable with some red heels and a nice jacket if it was shorter. 

charlottesmom0626

Maggie0829 said:

I absolutely hate the length of the dress.  It would look a lot cuter as a short dress, so keep that in mind if for some reason the bride changes her mind on the BM dresses.

Honestly, I wouldn't be buying that dress until a date and venue has been set in stone.  Talk about putting the cart before the horse.

I completely agree. I think it would be adorable knee length.

@haileydancingbear I plan to get it altered after- your suggestion sounds adorable.

So new question: FSIL sent the dress info as a group email, so now I have their addresses. Should I email the other ladies in the bridal party (who are presumably in the same city and friends, since they all went dress shopping together) to introduce myself, explain that I live out of the area, and ask to stay in touch about future BM things? Or is that wrong of me to do?

KatieinBkln

charlottesmom0626 said:

Maggie0829 said:

I absolutely hate the length of the dress.  It would look a lot cuter as a short dress, so keep that in mind if for some reason the bride changes her mind on the BM dresses.

Honestly, I wouldn't be buying that dress until a date and venue has been set in stone.  Talk about putting the cart before the horse.

I completely agree. I think it would be adorable knee length.

@haileydancingbear I plan to get it altered after- your suggestion sounds adorable.

So new question: FSIL sent the dress info as a group email, so now I have their addresses. Should I email the other ladies in the bridal party (who are presumably in the same city and friends, since they all went dress shopping together) to introduce myself, explain that I live out of the area, and ask to stay in touch about future BM things? Or is that wrong of me to do?

I think that's completely right of you to do. The other BMs are just people; getting to know them can only help you when it comes to getting them to take you into account before making decisions.

beethery

Also, even if you still end up stepping down from the BP, you're not spurning them or showing disapproval. 

holyguacamole79

OP, boundaries are your friend. I was a bm for my brother's wedding whIle I was engaged; that's not the problem here. The issue is that she is letting other people make these decisions for her (and for you). Honestly, I didn't bond with my FSIL as one of her bridesmaids. We bonded naturally via a friendship. Ive never been a fan of the idea that people bond over being in a bridal party.

[Deleted User]

At the risk of sounding unpopular, I would not pay a dime for the chosen dress.