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It's me versus her.

mikenbergermikenberger member
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in Snarky Brides
I am just at such a loss on this whole situation. I mean, how can one person either be SO oblivious or just such... self centered Bridezilla?

A little back story: I've known this particular friend for 2 years, she's the fiance' to my fiance's friend. Both friends are in our wedding (which we asked them to join our bridal party in March 2014.) She's always been a little selfish and immature -- She's 6 years younger than me, just graduated college etc. But she's really gotten much better; matured up... She actually reminded me a lot of myself at her age. But we became very good friends blah blah blah life is great peaches and cream. 

Fast forward. 

I get engaged Nov 2013. She gets engaged April 2014 (So she's ALREADY in my bridal party when she gets engaged.) After announcing that her and her fiance' will have a long engagement -- 2+ years so she can graduate college, get licensed in her field etc, she tells me that she's looking at venues for May 2015 and thinking of May 2nd. I promptly reminded her that my wedding is May 1 (which, you'd think she would have on some calendar somewhere). She laughed about it and said "Well, I guess we'll get married a month later!" Then about a month later, through text, she asks me to be in her bridal party. I probably should've said no, but instead I said yes, since she was already in mine, I figured I could reciprocate. 

Then. It started. 

We now have the exact same: photographer, DJ, photo booth service, nail tech, hair/make up salon for our wedding stuff and the same baker and flower shop. Also, the same bridal dress shop. I made all my reservations first, she found out who I went with and booked them. Awesome right? It's like single white female. 

This is where it hits the fan: Her wedding is 6/6/15. She is having a bridal shower THIS SUNDAY. And expects her entire bridal party to be there. It's being thrown by a family friend of hers -- not the bridal party. And it's a 2 hr drive one way to get to this party. Also, the day before I have a bridal shower and bachelorette party to attend -- so I'm going to be dead tired. I'm planning on sucking it up and going, but man. It's SO tacky. And her family thinks it's perfectly okay with throwing this party. I asked her why it's not an engagement party and she informs me that she wants to get a head start on her registry. Nice. The other shit splatter: We went shopping for bridesmaid dresses for my bridal party on Monday. I fell in love with a line of dresses but didn't have my girls purchase because we're still a way out from the wedding and some of them are having money trouble. So in the spirit of being a good bride, I said no big deal, we'll order them at another date. We went dress shopping Sunday for her party? Guess who's dresses she LOVED and had us all purchase. Yup. The dresses I intended on using. Her mother even asked me how I felt about the dresses "I love them. That's why I chose them for my bridal party." So now the bride and the mother know that these are my dresses as well. Yup. They're just different colors. Exact. same. dresses. I don't know what to do. I know I need to talk to her about this, especially the dresses, but it's a pretty done deal. I am just at such a loss. Is it possible she can be just that ignorant about what she's supposed to be doing? Or what? 

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Re: It's me versus her.

  • mikenbergermikenberger member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    beethery said:
    Maybe she just likes all your shit. If you find her in your closet wearing your clothes and talking to herself, then you've got something to worry about.

    It's weird as hell, I'll give you that, but some people are just completely fucking oblivious. 
    I will cut her if she ever goes in my closet. OMG. Maybe that's why she gained weight; so she could fit into my clothes? 

    Shit. 

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  • peachy13peachy13 member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    mikenberger said:
    I am just at such a loss on this whole situation. I mean, how can one person either be SO oblivious or just such... self centered Bridezilla?

    A little back story: I've known this particular friend for 2 years, she's the fiance' to my fiance's friend. Both friends are in our wedding (which we asked them to join our bridal party in March 2014.) She's always been a little selfish and immature -- She's 6 years younger than me, just graduated college etc. But she's really gotten much better; matured up... She actually reminded me a lot of myself at her age. But we became very good friends blah blah blah life is great peaches and cream. 

    Fast forward. 

    I get engaged Nov 2013. She gets engaged April 2014 (So she's ALREADY in my bridal party when she gets engaged.) After announcing that her and her fiance' will have a long engagement -- 2+ years so she can graduate college, get licensed in her field etc, she tells me that she's looking at venues for May 2015 and thinking of May 2nd. I promptly reminded her that my wedding is May 1 (which, you'd think she would have on some calendar somewhere). She laughed about it and said "Well, I guess we'll get married a month later!" Then about a month later, through text, she asks me to be in her bridal party. I probably should've said no, but instead I said yes, since she was already in mine, I figured I could reciprocate. 

    Then. It started. 

    We now have the exact same: photographer, DJ, photo booth service, nail tech, hair/make up salon for our wedding stuff and the same baker and flower shop. Also, the same bridal dress shop. I made all my reservations first, she found out who I went with and booked them. Awesome right? It's like single white female. 

    This is where it hits the fan: Her wedding is 6/6/15. She is having a bridal shower THIS SUNDAY. And expects her entire bridal party to be there. It's being thrown by a family friend of hers -- not the bridal party. And it's a 2 hr drive one way to get to this party. Also, the day before I have a bridal shower and bachelorette party to attend -- so I'm going to be dead tired. I'm planning on sucking it up and going, but man. It's SO tacky. And her family thinks it's perfectly okay with throwing this party. I asked her why it's not an engagement party and she informs me that she wants to get a head start on her registry. Nice. The other shit splatter: We went shopping for bridesmaid dresses for my bridal party on Monday. I fell in love with a line of dresses but didn't have my girls purchase because we're still a way out from the wedding and some of them are having money trouble. So in the spirit of being a good bride, I said no big deal, we'll order them at another date. We went dress shopping Sunday for her party? Guess who's dresses she LOVED and had us all purchase. Yup. The dresses I intended on using. Her mother even asked me how I felt about the dresses "I love them. That's why I chose them for my bridal party." So now the bride and the mother know that these are my dresses as well. Yup. They're just different colors. Exact. same. dresses. I don't know what to do. I know I need to talk to her about this, especially the dresses, but it's a pretty done deal. I am just at such a loss. Is it possible she can be just that ignorant about what she's supposed to be doing? Or what? 

    To be honest this would probably bug me too, but it's easier to just take it as a compliment than get too frustrated. If it were me I think I would actually avoid talking to her about any more wedding details. If you start talking about what your dress looks like and what your centerpieces are going to look like and what you're going to do for favors, it sounds probable that she's going to do something same or similar, and you're just going to keep getting annoyed. Play dumb if she keeps asking you for details. 

    I don't see too much harm in what she's already planned/copied because it does seem like she's oblivious, and apparently really likes your taste. I would try not to worry about the BM dresses too much. In all honesty, people notice the color more than the style. Having her shower this early is strange, but at least you know your's and her's won't overlap next winter/springish.
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  • mikenbergermikenberger member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    peachy13 said:
    mikenberger said:
    I am just at such a loss on this whole situation. I mean, how can one person either be SO oblivious or just such... self centered Bridezilla?

    A little back story: I've known this particular friend for 2 years, she's the fiance' to my fiance's friend. Both friends are in our wedding (which we asked them to join our bridal party in March 2014.) She's always been a little selfish and immature -- She's 6 years younger than me, just graduated college etc. But she's really gotten much better; matured up... She actually reminded me a lot of myself at her age. But we became very good friends blah blah blah life is great peaches and cream. 

    Fast forward. 

    I get engaged Nov 2013. She gets engaged April 2014 (So she's ALREADY in my bridal party when she gets engaged.) After announcing that her and her fiance' will have a long engagement -- 2+ years so she can graduate college, get licensed in her field etc, she tells me that she's looking at venues for May 2015 and thinking of May 2nd. I promptly reminded her that my wedding is May 1 (which, you'd think she would have on some calendar somewhere). She laughed about it and said "Well, I guess we'll get married a month later!" Then about a month later, through text, she asks me to be in her bridal party. I probably should've said no, but instead I said yes, since she was already in mine, I figured I could reciprocate. 

    Then. It started. 

    We now have the exact same: photographer, DJ, photo booth service, nail tech, hair/make up salon for our wedding stuff and the same baker and flower shop. Also, the same bridal dress shop. I made all my reservations first, she found out who I went with and booked them. Awesome right? It's like single white female. 

    This is where it hits the fan: Her wedding is 6/6/15. She is having a bridal shower THIS SUNDAY. And expects her entire bridal party to be there. It's being thrown by a family friend of hers -- not the bridal party. And it's a 2 hr drive one way to get to this party. Also, the day before I have a bridal shower and bachelorette party to attend -- so I'm going to be dead tired. I'm planning on sucking it up and going, but man. It's SO tacky. And her family thinks it's perfectly okay with throwing this party. I asked her why it's not an engagement party and she informs me that she wants to get a head start on her registry. Nice. The other shit splatter: We went shopping for bridesmaid dresses for my bridal party on Monday. I fell in love with a line of dresses but didn't have my girls purchase because we're still a way out from the wedding and some of them are having money trouble. So in the spirit of being a good bride, I said no big deal, we'll order them at another date. We went dress shopping Sunday for her party? Guess who's dresses she LOVED and had us all purchase. Yup. The dresses I intended on using. Her mother even asked me how I felt about the dresses "I love them. That's why I chose them for my bridal party." So now the bride and the mother know that these are my dresses as well. Yup. They're just different colors. Exact. same. dresses. I don't know what to do. I know I need to talk to her about this, especially the dresses, but it's a pretty done deal. I am just at such a loss. Is it possible she can be just that ignorant about what she's supposed to be doing? Or what? 

    To be honest this would probably bug me too, but it's easier to just take it as a compliment than get too frustrated. If it were me I think I would actually avoid talking to her about any more wedding details. If you start talking about what your dress looks like and what your centerpieces are going to look like and what you're going to do for favors, it sounds probable that she's going to do something same or similar, and you're just going to keep getting annoyed. Play dumb if she keeps asking you for details. 

    I don't see too much harm in what she's already planned/copied because it does seem like she's oblivious, and apparently really likes your taste. I would try not to worry about the BM dresses too much. In all honesty, people notice the color more than the style. Having her shower this early is strange, but at least you know your's and her's won't overlap next winter/springish.
    Oh, she's planning on another one in January/February. 

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  • beetherybeethery member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    If she converted religions so she could get married by your same officiant, and then started trying to have her mail sent to your house or showing up at your job, I'd have real concerns.

    Other than that, the biggest thing is that she's copying you. If she does literally all the same shit as you, I'd just laugh.

    I was thinking about it more, and I went to school with tons of girls who had a lot of the same vendors/locations for their weddings. They were in a small town where there is one florist, and a lot of them went to the same church, and went to high school with a guy who DJs weddings. Nobody had a shitfit because they had the same vendors.
    --

    I'm the fuck     out.

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  • novella1186novella1186 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    I think you're more upset than you need to be. No one will notice if your BMs have the same dresses, especially if they're in a different color, because no one looks at or cares about BM dresses. 

    Is it annoying? Yeah. Creepy? I think so. But I also think she just likes your style and likes what you're doing, so she wants to do it too. You should be flattered. 

    STOP sharing your details with her. If she doesn't know about it, she can't steal it. But the shit she's planning is for HER wedding, so it doesn't really matter if you're annoyed with it, because it's none of your business. If one of my good friends was getting married in the same city as me, I'd probably be stealing some of her vendors too. It would make things way easier. 

    No guest will notice or care if some of your stuff is the same. It's not going to ruin your wedding in any way or make it any less special. And she already changed her choice of date to accommodate you. So what are you stressing about???  
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  • ohannabelleohannabelle member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer First Anniversary
    bubblegum1309 said:
    I would also find this annoying, but big picture.. using the same vendors is not a big deal, same dresses, cake, decor... ok that would be too much.

    How about you start leading her astray... purposely tell her your ideas, but really do something different...
    This is exactly what I'd do, honestly. I'd start deliberately leading her astray. I decided to go with a different cake. I've changed my mind on the color scheme. I'd make up a heinous choice for the first dance song. I'd have fun with this. 
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  • loveislouderloveislouder member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    I'm going to throw out there that I'm using the same venue, which comes with the caterer, and the same florist as my sister's best friend because I got a wicked deal on both and just couldn't pass them up. I don't even like sister's best friend, but a deals a deal, right?
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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    Moderator 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
    Imitation is the greatest form of flattery. She sounds annoying and kind of nutty, but I think you're letting this affect you way too much. 

    Why does she know all the details about your wedding? Dresses, sure - she was shopping with you. But either you shared the other stuff with her or your fiance shared it with her fiance... Just stop talking about your wedding with her (same with your fiances). 

    And you know you can decline an invitation to a bridal shower, right? So she says "you HAVE to be there" and you say "I'm sorry I can't attend". Outside of kidnapping you, she's not going to make you go. No is not a four letter word. Use it.
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  • yates2015yates2015 member
    10 Comments First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Vendor thing no big, whatevs. 
    I would be pissed about the dresses though, especially since she freaking knew. 
    She's just piggybacking, take it as a compliment. 

    Don't go to any parties you don't want to, you had stuff going on so it isn't like you're suddenly bailing on established plans. 
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  • abbyj700abbyj700 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    My best friend is getting married a year after me. I'm in her wedding party, she is in mine. So far she is using several vendors we are using. And I'm happy she is. Ya know why? Cuz I found good deals, and wonderful people - and am happy that my friend agrees. Regardless of vendors - our weddings will be very different.  As will you and your friends.


    And if you don't want her doing everything your doing...why are you telling her everything??? If I were freaked out by someone imitating me - I'd stop giving them the how to guide on how to do it. My ladies would have no idea who designed my invites, is catering my RD, etc - if I didn't tell them myself. Be your own aly here. 
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  • bahamabride2015bahamabride2015 member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper First Anniversary
    Luckily your wedding in first so it will be 1000% clear to everyone that she is copying you lol
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  • mikenbergermikenberger member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    Whew -- okay, after all that reading a few things:

    - We don't live in a small town. She has options. I have options. There are options. She knows so much because she asked and I told. Simple as that. "I've been thinking about this X, what do you think?" and then me, because I was sooooo excited, got out my gun and shot myself in the f'n foot. FI has already told me to make fake pinterest boards haha But she'll be helping out with my bridal shower and bachelorette party since she's a part of the BP (Yeah, I'm going to catch onto you jinxy broads and your acronyms) so she's going to have some information. And I'm sure my BP will share with her.

    - Yes, imitation is the highest form of flattery. It's just really. really. annoying. Especially since our weddings are 4 weeks apart and we have more than a handful of mutual friends that will be attending both weddings. Of course I'm annoyed. It's annoying. I know it's not a huge deal in the grand scheme of things, but man. I've been waiting for this day for some time. 

    - And my BP is not having financial troubles; as in can't afford the bridesmaid dresses I chose so I'm waiting for them all to sell a kidney. I should've stated "One of my bridesmaids is the thriftest women you'll ever meet." Nothing wrong with thrifty; she would just rather wait to purchase. And I'm not in a rush, so I'm alright with waiting. 

    - The shower 9 months prior to the wedding ... I have no words. None. And we all got our invites last week. So that's just about 2 weeks advanced notice. And it's the Bears and Packers game, I mean, c'mon people ;)

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  • larrygagalarrygaga member
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  • goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826 member
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    That is rather early for a shower.  Can't anyone throw a shower for her her though?  If she's cool with it...

    It is annoying, but maybe she'd just following your lead.  You're older and maybe she looks up to you. It just means you have good taste ^_^

    Just tell her to stay the fuck away from your man.  LOL
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  • raissyraisraissyrais member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    Imitation is the best form of flattery. Thank goodness you're getting married before that copycat bitch. The people can be all "did you see how she copied @mikenberger?" For shame. 
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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Having the same venue and vendors is inconsequential. . . you are not the 1st bride ever to book them, nor will you be the last.  Even if there is a large overlap in your guest lists, the weddings will be quite different still AND you are getting married 1st so it will look like she was copying you, lol!

    I would not be ordering a BM dress 9 months out from the wedding.  Nope.  Don't do it.  Any one of her BM's could become pregnant and have a child between now and her wedding, and there's also a chance that it will be called off.  I'm serious, I have experienced that twice with weddings I have been invited to.

    I would not attend a bridal shower 9 months out either, for the very reason that the wedding could be called off.  Again, happened to me twice- one time the ex-bride to be kept the shower gifts, the 2nd time the MOex-B came and tearfully returned the gifts.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    @mikenberger, thanks for calling us "jinxy broads".  Love it!  I had to bite my lip at work to keep from laughing at the fun term.
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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    martha1818 said:
    PrettyGirlLost said:
    Having the same venue and vendors is inconsequential. . . you are not the 1st bride ever to book them, nor will you be the last.  Even if there is a large overlap in your guest lists, the weddings will be quite different still AND you are getting married 1st so it will look like she was copying you, lol!

    I would not be ordering a BM dress 9 months out from the wedding.  Nope.  Don't do it.  Any one of her BM's could become pregnant and have a child between now and her wedding, and there's also a chance that it will be called off.  I'm serious, I have experienced that twice with weddings I have been invited to.

    I would not attend a bridal shower 9 months out either, for the very reason that the wedding could be called off.  Again, happened to me twice- one time the ex-bride to be kept the shower gifts, the 2nd time the MOex-B came and tearfully returned the gifts.
    Ahh that's so sad!
    It was, and yet it was honestly for the better.  The bride was going to marry a huge piece of work, and no one really thought it was a great idea- hell her parents hated him.  Her mother was just embarrassed and also she was sad for her daughter because she knew that while it was the right decision it was very painful for her how it all went down.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    Don't go to the shower.  Certainly not during the Bears/Pack game.  Also because showers are lame.  And because with a 2 hour drive one way, it'll be an all damn day thing.  

    Don't buy a dress this early.  If it's David's Bridal, it will probably be available for quite a while.  Also, you can always change your dress choice since none of your girls bought it yet.  In fact, stick with your color and have the girls buy whatever dress they want in that color.  Then if someone really loves the dress you picked out, they can still get it, but other girls can get different dresses so you don't have the same BM dress as your friend.  Also, that way your thrifty friend can wear something out of her own closet or can shop for a deal and be thrilled when she finds a lovely dress for $20.
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  • badbnagdwaybadbnagdway member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    OP I echo that this is annoying, but I would overall take it as a compliment. Is there going to be a tremendous overlap in the guestlists of your weddings? Because if not, this is not big deal. There's a lot of leg work and research that goes into choosing wedding vendors. I think I've contacted at least 20 photographers at this point and still not booked one because most of the ones I like have either been too pricey or not available. My friend who was also recently engaged gave me some tips on ones she liked, unfortunately they're not available on my date, and encouraged me to use them even though she will book one of the two. She has even suggested recycling each other's wedding decorations (where that makes aesthetic sense) to save money because we have only a few people overlapping in our invites. I think it's really not a huge deal to be a bride that shares. That said, if you don't like it, don't tell her details.
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  • knottie75e99fe4be548d97knottie75e99fe4be548d97 member
    Knottie Warrior 10 Comments First Answer 5 Love Its
    I would be irritated also, even if it is a form of flattery.  The one thing I would be sure to do if I were you is choose a different BM dress.  Sure, you shouldn't have to change your plans/day because of her, but with so many dresses out there, I'm sure there's another you like and imagine her distress when she realizes she doesn't have the same dresses as you. Plus, you get the BM dress YOU like (from her wedding) to keep and wear again.  
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  • KatieinBklnKatieinBkln member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer First Anniversary
    Decline that shower. 

    Bears vs. Packers is ALWAYS more important than (the first of what seems to be many) showers.
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  • Wegl13Wegl13 member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    Soooo.... We are purchasing a house, and I am doing a bit of this when it comes to appliances, etc and my mom. Seriously- why would I do the research on the best fridge if my mother has already done it? I feel like the same would go down at a wedding if I was close to a friend and having it in the same town as them. Why bother doing all the research to find a quality vendor that is in my price range when you've done it for me? Seriously though, as long as you are not marrying the same man.... You are getting married first! It will be okay!
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