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Snarky Brides

Stage Parent Decisions

My FI's nephew (his brother/BM's son) will turn 12 a month after our October 18 wedding. We live in Missouri and they live in Georgia. His parents have decided that he can't miss a chance to impress the college scouts (sarcasm) and therefore the nephew will be missing our wedding to play in a peewee football game. They've known about the wedding date since February and we're very close with them. My FI is pretty disappointed. We'd understand if it was a one-time event he was staying home for or if he was a bit older and the game mattered more, but this just feels ridiculous. 

The parents (FBIL & FSIL) are obsessive about his sports career. They take him to personal strength training classes multiple times a week and buy him the absolute most expensive equipment (which he'll grow out of a couple months later anyway). He's a great athlete, but he's 11! 

Anyone else have stage parent people in their lives??

P.S. The parent's are kind of just odd in general. Their 4 year old daughter (flower girl) can't have a single hair out of place without her mom placing it perfectly back with a bow.
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larrygaga

Re: Stage Parent Decisions

  • peachy13peachy13 in my cubicle, doing very important work member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    That's ridiculous. However, you can't change their minds and they will probably keep doing what they're doing, while likely missing a lot of future important family events because of their priorities. I'm sure word will spread that they're missing your wedding because of a little football game, and the people will judge without you having to do anything at all.
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    simplyeliseAmanderson1290
  • My mother was the ultimate stage parent.  She had full blown narcissistic personality disorder, just like Mama Rose in Gypsy!  I had piano lessons at the age of three.  I was put on a stage with bells tied to my shoes at the age of two.  I was supposed to sing "Jingle Bells".  My childhood, if you can call it that, was a series of auditions and performances so that she could take credit for having such a "talented and beautiful daughter".  It was hell.
    When I was 15, I was interviewed by a director from Disney.  He was a kind man.  He took me into a separate room and asked me "Do you WANT to be a movie star?"  No one had ever asked me what I wanted before.  I looked at him and whispered, "No, sir."  He smiled, and said "OK, honey.  You don't have to."  He had seen stage parents before.  My mother almost killed me when I didn't get the part.
    I majored in classical music in college.  It seems that I WAS beautiful and talented back then.  I never felt good about any of my performances.  Even today, with the pressure off, I turn myself inside out when I perform, even for friends.
    Mother insisted I perform at every opportunity.  I had to sing at her wedding (UGH!)  I had to play the organ at my grandmother's funeral.  I had to sing at my sister's wedding.
    I was very careful to avoid doing this to my own children.  Talent must be genetic.  Here is my daughter's website (stage name). 
    http://blindtillnow.com/bios.html
    My son came to me when he was 9 and asked to sing in a special classical boychoir in Baltimore.  I drove hundreds of miles for this over the next few years until his voice changed.  Music will always be a special part of his life.
    At least I know that this was their choice, not something I did to them.
    I feel very sorry for your FI's nephew.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    [Deleted User]simplyelisehellohkb
  • CMGragain said:
    My mother was the ultimate stage parent.  She had full blown narcissistic personality disorder, just like Mama Rose in Gypsy!  I had piano lessons at the age of three.  I was put on a stage with bells tied to my shoes at the age of two.  I was supposed to sing "Jingle Bells".  My childhood, if you can call it that, was a series of auditions and performances so that she could take credit for having such a "talented and beautiful daughter".  It was hell.
    When I was 15, I was interviewed by a director from Disney.  He was a kind man.  He took me into a separate room and asked me "Do you WANT to be a movie star?"  No one had ever asked me what I wanted before.  I looked at him and whispered, "No, sir."  He smiled, and said "OK, honey.  You don't have to."  He had seen stage parents before.  My mother almost killed me when I didn't get the part.
    I majored in classical music in college.  It seems that I WAS beautiful and talented back then.  I never felt good about any of my performances.  Even today, with the pressure off, I turn myself inside out when I perform, even for friends.
    Mother insisted I perform at every opportunity.  I had to sing at her wedding (UGH!)  I had to play the organ at my grandmother's funeral.  I had to sing at my sister's wedding.
    I was very careful to avoid doing this to my own children.  Talent must be genetic.  Here is my daughter's website (stage name). 
    http://blindtillnow.com/bios.html
    My son came to me when he was 9 and asked to sing in a special classical boychoir in Baltimore.  I drove hundreds of miles for this over the next few years until his voice changed.  Music will always be a special part of his life.
    At least I know that this was their choice, not something I did to them.
    I feel very sorry for your FI's nephew.
    What was the role? Would we have heard of it?
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  • hellosweetie1015hellosweetie1015 Where the skies are so blue member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    My dad was like this with my brother. Bro loved baseball when he was a kid. He played teeball from age four, soccer and basketball in the off season until he was about twelve or thirteen, and pitching, batting, and conditioning coaches at least once a week, every week after that. 

    He went on to play a season in college, even though he was really beginning to hate it by his senior year in high school. He missed the bus one day to a game. When he woke up, he jumped in the car and wound up beating the bus to the game. He sat out the whole game, and when they returned the coach made him run laps carrying sandbags. FYI: this is NOT a thing to do to a pitcher - if any of you have kids who become pitchers, teach them to ask for a different punishment that WON'T damage their arms. 

    After that season he quit. Dad was devastated. 

    Brother is now happier than I've ever seen him, in a great cosmetology school and playing in a (TERRIBLE, but you didn't hear it from me) pop-progressive-punk band. Dad went through a phase where he said he'd failed as a parent, but he was still supportive of him. 
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    [Deleted User]simplyelise
  • larrygagalarrygaga Czechoslovakia member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    edited September 2014
    I used to know this really sad girl in high school whose mom would threaten the school board constantly if she wasn't captain of X team or the lead role in the play. So she always got it and she really sucked. She got a full ride to college and that family has a lot of money, so it was a big sore spot for almost everyone in our really poor school. They wouldn't let her eat desserts because they didn't want her to get fat. They got her a bunch of expensive treatments for her hair and nails and what the fuck ever. 

    Then they sent her to college where she immediately became addicted to drugs, failed out of college, married this loser and now she lives back with her parents. It's really a shame.

    When you protect you child that much they have no idea how to function in the world, and will probably fail the second they are out of your sight. 

    I beat her up once because she would make fun of a DD kid and I kind of ruined what little social life she had left. I feel really bad about embarrassing her so bad in front of everyone. She was really so miserable. 

    It seems like she's going to go back to school to be a Vet and get her life together. I really hope it works out. 

    EDIT: You really set a kid up for failure. 
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    simplyelise
  • I'm sure I'll be the odd man out - but this is the parents and kids decision. It'll suck for them not to come. And it's unfortunate that that is their decision - but it is.

    I've worked with some guys who's kids were pretty hard core athletes. One guys daughter played in soccer tournaments on her elite team all over the country. Typically the family vacation was focused around a week down south where a tournament was taking place. The whole family along with the kid made big sacrifices. But his daughter was WAY in to doing it. She loved it. That girl was only 13. Another guy shut his business down for 2 weeks to go with his daughter on a scouting trip for soccer - she was 16 and being recruited for commitment already. Shit, my ex almost had to get a second job to support his 9 year olds gymnastic talents on her competition team.

    My #1 thing is that it's got to be a decision that both the kid and family wants. The reality is that kids are getting looked at younger and younger for all of their accomplishments and talent.
  • Yeah, kids are getting looked at younger and younger, but no one is scouting 11 year old boys for college football. They haven't even gone through puberty yet.

    I think the problem is that there wasn't a date we could pick that wouldn't have conflicted with some game for him. He plays sports year round. This isn't a tournament or a playoff or championship. It's not last minute, so he would have been able to inform the coach before the season even started. 

    I think it's the parent's job in these situations to realize the perspective. My FI missed his grandpa's funeral because he was at debate camp. He really regrets that decision now. Kids can only see 10 minutes in front of them.
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  • Yeah, kids are getting looked at younger and younger, but no one is scouting 11 year old boys for college football. They haven't even gone through puberty yet.

    I think the problem is that there wasn't a date we could pick that wouldn't have conflicted with some game for him. He plays sports year round. This isn't a tournament or a playoff or championship. It's not last minute, so he would have been able to inform the coach before the season even started. 

    I think it's the parent's job in these situations to realize the perspective. My FI missed his grandpa's funeral because he was at debate camp. He really regrets that decision now. Kids can only see 10 minutes in front of them.
    Yes - the parents. And they made a choice.

    As much as it can conflict with what we think - everyone raises their kids differently. I've always really loved this upworthy photo shoot that really shows how parents can acknowledge and even support decisions that other parents make that are truly the opposite of what you would do for you own kids. http://www.upworthy.com/a-fantastic-photo-series-to-help-us-think-about-judgment-spoiler-alert-we-have-to-stop
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Well, while it's best to be able to rise above this and attend the kid's events, I think you can, or should be able to, reasonably avoid this kid's sports stuff so your kid can audition for Broadway, Hollywood, American Idol, and The Apprentice.  ;-)

    Seriously, if they're going to skip all your things because they think his sports are more important, you don't have to be supportive of their decision beyond letting it go that they're not going to be there for you.  The kid is the one who will eventually suffer, but decisions have consequences.
    simplyelise
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