Mother gives bride away on behalf of herself and late husband/father

Knottie83494986

My husband passed away after 25 years of marriage. It is 16 years since his passing. Our daughter (34) is getting married and we were wondering if it is okay for me to say "her father and I" or "her late father and I"?

CMGragain

I would suggest you say "Her family."  That includes everyone.  I think that it might be rather sad for you to say "Her late father and I."  My own father died when I was 15.  My uncle escorted me at my wedding, and this is what he said.  I thought it was very appropriate.

Jen4948

I agree with @CMGragain.  I think that during the giving away, mentioning "her late father" might be too jarring.

Knottie87489498

I agree also. I was at a wedding and in a speech someone's sister had passed away and it was mentioned and got very awkward looks from the couple. I've also seen ceremonies with a lit candle off to the side representing all those who've passed and couldn't be there, with the officiant making a note of it right at the beginning. Just ask your daughter what she's comfortable with.

Jen4948

Knottie87489498 said:

I agree also. I was at a wedding and in a speech someone's sister had passed away and it was mentioned and got very awkward looks from the couple. I've also seen ceremonies with a lit candle off to the side representing all those who've passed and couldn't be there, with the officiant making a note of it right at the beginning. Just ask your daughter what she's comfortable with.

I'd be more subtle than this.  Especially I would not have an officiant make a note right at the beginning of who isn't there because that's too sad.  The emphasis should be on who is there.  The OP's daughter isn't the only one who has to feel comfortable with any kind of memorial. 

[Deleted User]

Whatever you feel comfortable with saying. You can say her father and I do or her late father and I do, or you can say I do. Whatever you feel at the moment. Practice it at the rehersal if you can and on the day of the wedding she how your emotions are feeling for both of you. I am blessed to still have my father with me and was so happy he was there to give me away. To have something mentioned that would remind me that he wasn't there on that special day would have been very hard for me. Talk to your daughter and whatever you two agree on, is approriate.

CMGragain

Erikan73 said:

Whatever you feel comfortable with saying. You can say her father and I do or her late father and I do, or you can say I do. Whatever you feel at the moment. Practice it at the rehersal if you can and on the day of the wedding she how your emotions are feeling for both of you. I am blessed to still have my father with me and was so happy he was there to give me away. To have something mentioned that would remind me that he wasn't there on that special day would have been very hard for me. Talk to your daughter and whatever you two agree on, is approriate.

It is not possible for a deceased person to take active part in a marriage ceremony.  OP's late husband cannot present his daughter to be married.

annakay511

I would say "her father and I". Its true, and everyone will know that he is giving her away in spirit!

annakay511

CMGragain said:

Erikan73 said:

Whatever you feel comfortable with saying. You can say her father and I do or her late father and I do, or you can say I do. Whatever you feel at the moment. Practice it at the rehersal if you can and on the day of the wedding she how your emotions are feeling for both of you. I am blessed to still have my father with me and was so happy he was there to give me away. To have something mentioned that would remind me that he wasn't there on that special day would have been very hard for me. Talk to your daughter and whatever you two agree on, is approriate.

It is not possible for a deceased person to take active part in a marriage ceremony.  OP's late husband cannot present his daughter to be married.

WOA, yes he absolutely can, I'm positive he will be there in spirit. Way to be COMPLETELY insensitive.

CMGragain

annakay511 said:

CMGragain said:

Erikan73 said:

Whatever you feel comfortable with saying. You can say her father and I do or her late father and I do, or you can say I do. Whatever you feel at the moment. Practice it at the rehersal if you can and on the day of the wedding she how your emotions are feeling for both of you. I am blessed to still have my father with me and was so happy he was there to give me away. To have something mentioned that would remind me that he wasn't there on that special day would have been very hard for me. Talk to your daughter and whatever you two agree on, is approriate.

It is not possible for a deceased person to take active part in a marriage ceremony.  OP's late husband cannot present his daughter to be married.

WOA, yes he absolutely can, I'm positive he will be there in spirit. Way to be COMPLETELY insensitive.

No, he can't.  Will he be there in spirit?  Yes.  It is still completely against etiquette and good taste to do this.  Ask the pastor.
As I posted earlier, my own father died when I was 15.  I missed him terribly on my wedding day, but I didn't do anything this inappropriate,  This is just creepy.

MissKittyDanger

Knottie83494986 said:

My husband passed away after 25 years of marriage. It is 16 years since his passing. Our daughter (34) is getting married and we were wondering if it is okay for me to say "her father and I" or "her late father and I"?

As someone who has to deal with this upcoming issue, I would talk to your daughter first. Maybe she wants you to say something. I personally wouldn't, too jarring for me and I don't think my mum could.

I do like the idea of "her family", but is this a ceremony that maybe this could be avoided in general? Is it possible not to have this said at all?

Knottie34559892

Knottie83494986 said:

My husband passed away after 25 years of marriage. It is 16 years since his passing. Our daughter (34) is getting married and we were wondering if it is okay for me to say "her father and I" or "her late father and I"?

My father passed away 6 months ago right before I started planning my wedding. My brother is walking me down the aisle. But my mother was my second option if my brother declined. I think it would be nice to say "Her father and I" when you give your daughter away. In my opinion, your late husband will be there in spirit and I think that states that he would approve if he was there in person.

GOOD LUCK!

WhatawagSBNy

CMGragain said:

Erikan73 said:

Whatever you feel comfortable with saying. You can say her father and I do or her late father and I do, or you can say I do. Whatever you feel at the moment. Practice it at the rehersal if you can and on the day of the wedding she how your emotions are feeling for both of you. I .

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It is not possible for a deceased person to take active part in a marriage ceremony.  OP's late husband cannot present his daughter to be married.


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Agree.

Instead of memorializing father at the presentation , there may be a time, like when toasting the couple, when mother may want to say that she and her husband used to look at their daughter and talk of the time when she would marry and have a family of her own, now the time is here.

Or any other quiet but nice few words, very short, before drinking to the health and happiness of the couple.

ohannabelle

annakay511 said:

CMGragain said:

Erikan73 said:

Whatever you feel comfortable with saying. You can say her father and I do or her late father and I do, or you can say I do. Whatever you feel at the moment. Practice it at the rehersal if you can and on the day of the wedding she how your emotions are feeling for both of you. I am blessed to still have my father with me and was so happy he was there to give me away. To have something mentioned that would remind me that he wasn't there on that special day would have been very hard for me. Talk to your daughter and whatever you two agree on, is approriate.

It is not possible for a deceased person to take active part in a marriage ceremony.  OP's late husband cannot present his daughter to be married.

WOA, yes he absolutely can, I'm positive he will be there in spirit. Way to be COMPLETELY insensitive.

No, it isn't insensitive. While he may "be there in spirit," he can't physically participate. He can't host an event, send invitations, or present his daughter at the altar. Saying he is actually doing those things is awkward. 

It would be much more graceful to say "her family and I'" or include a mention in a toast. 

[Deleted User]

My father passed away and my mom walked me down the aisle. Perhaps it would be best if that question were not asked? This is what we did: instead of having that type of question, at a later point in the ceremony the officiant asked our parents to stand and affirm their support for our marriage.

CMGragain

@KnotRiley, this zombie thread is  five months old!

artbyallie

Closing the zombie thread.