Help please, step-mom wants to be invited to me getting ready on my wedding day

[Deleted User]

My dad got married when I was 20 and I have never felt close with his wife.  The problem is that she is very sensitive and has never had kids of her own and likes to think of me and my sister as her children, even though we aren't close and were adults already when she entered the family.  Long story short, it makes me uncomfortable, it makes my mom feel insecure and jealous, and it stresses me out whenever they are together.  

My wedding is in a week, and just tonight I sent out the schedule of events to those invited to our very small (19 people) ceremony.  Unfortunately I made the mistake of including in the schedule that I wanted my mom, sister (MOH), FMIL, and my close friend who is also the photographer to all be with me when I'm getting ready for the ceremony.  My intent was not to make it clear that my dad's wife was not invited, I was just thinking of making sure those people I wanted there knew where to go and what time to be there.  I'm a very private person, the room is small, and I really wanted to enjoy getting ready with the people I love most.  

Well, now my dad has sent me a message back asking if it was a mistake that his wife was not included in the list to be there.  I have no idea how to address this with him, and if I should say something to his wife about this.  Knowing her personality, even if I hadn't included who was going to be with me when I get ready in the schedule, she would have asked where to go.  

One more bit of info to help you guys give me some advice: I'm very close with my FMIL, and my fiance's parents are paying for about half of the ceremony and reception and my fiance and I are paying for the other half.  

Lauderdale Pink

I think your father is being unreasonable.  Just because he has a new wife, and she wants to be a new mommy, does not make it so.  There are times when a girl wants her mom, and that's it.  If you don't put your foot down now, the next question will be "Stepmom has never had a child, can she be in labor and delivery with you? She'd love the experience."  We always tell children that mom and dad's divorce has nothing to do with them.  Well their new marriages should fit that description as well.  The money info. is really irrelevant because if dad was footing the whole bill, you would still feel the same about his wife being there, you would just feel more guilt about it.  

Jen4948

Lauderdale Pink said:

I think your father is being unreasonable.  Just because he has a new wife, and she wants to be a new mommy, does not make it so.  There are times when a girl wants her mom, and that's it.  If you don't put your foot down now, the next question will be "Stepmom has never had a child, can she be in labor and delivery with you? She'd love the experience."  We always tell children that mom and dad's divorce has nothing to do with them.  Well their new marriages should fit that description as well.  The money info. is really irrelevant because if dad was footing the whole bill, you would still feel the same about his wife being there, you would just feel more guilt about it.  

I agree.  Stepmom is not entitled to be there just because she is married to your dad if you and she are not close.

You might tell your dad, though, exactly what you told us here, that there was no mistake that she was not included because it was intended for a limited group of people because the room is small, and because a lot of people want to be there, it is necessary to limit the invitees to the persons you listed.

JaxInBlue

Agree with PPs.  You do not need to include her.  When you reply, instead of focusing on her not being there, I'd reiterate what time they are needed - along the lines of "I'm looking forward to seeing you at stepmom at 2:00 for pictures before the ceremony" or "I'll see you and stepmom at church at 10:30 to get ready for the processional."

Or, if you are comfortable, invite Dad and stepmom to make a special visit to the room after you know you'll be ready, perhaps for a special photo pre-ceremony.

huskypuppy14

Just because someone else with the same genitalia as you is married to a father, brother, uncle whatever, does not make them entitled to be with you when you're getting ready for your wedding.

My husband's brother's wife wanted to be included on the hair and makeup and told me she was offended she wasn't included (this was at the rehearsal).  She wasn't a bridesmaid and wasn't the mother of the bride or groom, so she wasn't included. She could be mad all she wants, I wasn't changing my mind.. 

You have the right to have who you want with you when you get ready. 

[Deleted User]

Thank you to everyone that replied.  I called my dad this afternoon and told him that it was not a mistake, and that I did not write that in just to slight her, but to make sure that those that I did want there knew the plan (where and when to meet).  I don't know what it is about weddings that seems to bring the family drama out of the woodwork.  Most of the time I feel like it's comfortable with her, even if we're not close.  

When my dad asked me today if I wanted to talk to her about it, I told him no.  Not because I was being cowardly (okay, this is a small part of why) but in the past she has been prone to temper tantrums and crying fits when I've tried to explain how I feel about something.  I told my dad that I wanted us both to give what was already said some time to sink in.  

I'm not going to change my mind on this, I still feel like it was the best decision to keep my mom and her separate (in fact, this might make me feel more so that I don't want her there), but eventually I will need to talk to her about this more, probably before the wedding in a little more than 5 days.  

Whew... well, at least all the planning is done, and it just a matter of putting up the last decorations when we get there.  The important thing is that I'm marrying the man of my dreams, who's been so supportive and protective of my feelings throughout the time I've known him.