Moms and Maids

Where the heck did my BM go?

When I first got engaged, I asked a close friend of mine to be one of my bridesmaids. I only have two of them. She was very happy and said she'd love to be in the bridal party. The best man is actually my fiance's sister, so we're going a bit non traditional and everyone is going to walk down the aisle single file. There were no required dresses to buy, I told everyone to just pick out a nice dress they liked, even though David Tutera makes fun of this tactic because I knew the wedding party all had different budgets and much different body types. They all actually wanted to pick blue dresses so I said sure that works for me!

I hung out with her a few more times after that. She came to my original wedding venue with me and kept saying how excited and happy she was for me.

Then all of a sudden, she stopped communicating with me. Out of nowhere, I would ask her to get together, but she'd reply, "No it's okay, we don't have to, I know you're busy." I'd tell her that I wasn't too busy to hang out with her, and if she'd like to get together just let me know when she was free. She'd never reply. I'd start a conversation with her over Facebook or text to see if it could break the ice since she claimed she didn't answer the phone due to being at work, and she'd get as far as saying hello and asking how I was doing before the conversation would go dead. Every time I asked if she wanted to catch up, she'd claim that I was the one who was too busy for things like that. 

She didn't show up at my bridal shower. Afterwards, she sent me an apology on Facebook about not making it. I said hello and asked how everything was, but that's as far as the conversation went again. 

She's RSVP'd as coming to the wedding, but won't talk to me otherwise, won't get together face to face. I feel awkward and rude just leaving her a voicemail or message that says, "Hey, was wondering if you are still interested in being in the wedding," because I almost feel like she's trying to get me to ask about it. I know situations change, I just don't know why this one did. She's been posting a lot about doing tons of other stuff with another group of friends, nearly every weekend. 

I will admit though that she was always sort of the opposite of a fair weather friend. I always thought she was very kind, but she loves gossip and drama, and tends to ask me about things that happened years ago in a way that's almost embarrassing. She caused problems at work when we all worked together from spreading a lot of gossip and was nearly fired at one point. But it was years ago and I don't want to hold that against her, even though now I'm wondering if maybe she is either trying to stir something up or just got bored and is hoping I start something with her? I don't want to think of my friend like that, she has literally never done anything like this to ME before... but now that I'm typing this I realize it all sounds sort of naive. Blagh. 

Anyway, do I leave her a tacky voicemail since she won't answer me otherwise? Or should I assume she's not being in the bridal party and just have someone else step in?

Re: Where the heck did my BM go?

  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 Boston Suburbs member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    rm17 said:
    When I first got engaged, I asked a close friend of mine to be one of my bridesmaids. I only have two of them. She was very happy and said she'd love to be in the bridal party. The best man is actually my fiance's sister, so we're going a bit non traditional and everyone is going to walk down the aisle single file. There were no required dresses to buy, I told everyone to just pick out a nice dress they liked, even though David Tutera makes fun of this tactic because I knew the wedding party all had different budgets and much different body types. They all actually wanted to pick blue dresses so I said sure that works for me!

    I hung out with her a few more times after that. She came to my original wedding venue with me and kept saying how excited and happy she was for me.

    Then all of a sudden, she stopped communicating with me. Out of nowhere, I would ask her to get together, but she'd reply, "No it's okay, we don't have to, I know you're busy." I'd tell her that I wasn't too busy to hang out with her, and if she'd like to get together just let me know when she was free. She'd never reply. I'd start a conversation with her over Facebook or text to see if it could break the ice since she claimed she didn't answer the phone due to being at work, and she'd get as far as saying hello and asking how I was doing before the conversation would go dead. Every time I asked if she wanted to catch up, she'd claim that I was the one who was too busy for things like that. 

    She didn't show up at my bridal shower. Afterwards, she sent me an apology on Facebook about not making it. I said hello and asked how everything was, but that's as far as the conversation went again. 

    She's RSVP'd as coming to the wedding, but won't talk to me otherwise, won't get together face to face. I feel awkward and rude just leaving her a voicemail or message that says, "Hey, was wondering if you are still interested in being in the wedding," because I almost feel like she's trying to get me to ask about it. I know situations change, I just don't know why this one did. She's been posting a lot about doing tons of other stuff with another group of friends, nearly every weekend. 

    I will admit though that she was always sort of the opposite of a fair weather friend. I always thought she was very kind, but she loves gossip and drama, and tends to ask me about things that happened years ago in a way that's almost embarrassing. She caused problems at work when we all worked together from spreading a lot of gossip and was nearly fired at one point. But it was years ago and I don't want to hold that against her, even though now I'm wondering if maybe she is either trying to stir something up or just got bored and is hoping I start something with her? I don't want to think of my friend like that, she has literally never done anything like this to ME before... but now that I'm typing this I realize it all sounds sort of naive. Blagh. 

    Anyway, do I leave her a tacky voicemail since she won't answer me otherwise? Or should I assume she's not being in the bridal party and just have someone else step in?
    You don't ask another person to step in as a bridesmaid at the last minute. Don't you think that's a little rude to have a B-list bridesmaid.

    If your friend doesn't show up to be your BM, she's not in your wedding. Do not leave a tacky voicemail, leave a nice voicemail, and don't kick her out.
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    [Deleted User]
  • huskypuppy14

    If I don't have her there, my mom or sister would step in. I truly do not have a lot of options. I guess you can call me rude, but when a bridesmaid hasn't spoken to me for the past few months and now there's only three weeks left, I feel I have the right to decide if I need to prepare alternate options. 

    I only have two people standing up there with me, and if something happens with the flight with my out of state bridesmaid, I could potentially be standing up there alone, in which case yes, my mom and sister would be 'b-list' bridesmaids because I do not wish to get married up there alone.

    I originally did not ask my sister because she was in a very different place in her life than she was a few months ago, which I don't wish to go into. I would have asked her in the first place but it wasn't really an option at the time, so I went for my closest friend at the time instead. 

    I truly don't understand why she keeps saying I am too busy for her when I've made many attempts to assure her I'm never too busy for her. I am confused and hurt, and yes, I'm emotional. 

    She's replied that she's coming to the wedding, so that part is good enough for me, and she apologized for being unable to come to the shower, and I understand that asking someone to be a bridesmaid is to honor them, which is why I asked her. But now the friendship has seemingly wandered away even though I have sorely missed her and asked to see her again. I know something could be going on in her life that I'm unaware of, but it hurts when I'm three weeks from the wedding and she hasn't spoken to me for months. She's been going to different fun events nearly every weekend.

    You asked me if I don't think it's rude to have a b-list bridesmaid, but I'm seriously over here hurting and trying to cover it that my friend returned the RSVP card but won't pick up the phone and won't reply to me any other way. I did not mean I was actually going to leave a 'tacky' voicemail. I was trying to lighten the mood because my closest friend and the woman I considered to be my maid of honor is mysteriously not even replying three weeks until the wedding and is showing no interest in catching up with me. 

    It may be easy to say that if she doesn't show up to be my bridesmaid, then it's as simple as her not being in the wedding. But when she was one of two, and potentially the only person going to be up there, it's not as emotionally simple as that. 

    I will leave her the nice voice mail. The fact is that it is making me feel sad and like it's a last ditch attempt to get in touch with a close friend who suddenly disappeared, and I can't tell if she is trying to back out of being up there or not. 
  • rm17 said:
    huskypuppy14

    If I don't have her there, my mom or sister would step in. I truly do not have a lot of options. I guess you can call me rude, but when a bridesmaid hasn't spoken to me for the past few months and now there's only three weeks left, I feel I have the right to decide if I need to prepare alternate options. 

    I only have two people standing up there with me, and if something happens with the flight with my out of state bridesmaid, I could potentially be standing up there alone, in which case yes, my mom and sister would be 'b-list' bridesmaids because I do not wish to get married up there alone.

    I originally did not ask my sister because she was in a very different place in her life than she was a few months ago, which I don't wish to go into. I would have asked her in the first place but it wasn't really an option at the time, so I went for my closest friend at the time instead. 

    I truly don't understand why she keeps saying I am too busy for her when I've made many attempts to assure her I'm never too busy for her. I am confused and hurt, and yes, I'm emotional. 

    She's replied that she's coming to the wedding, so that part is good enough for me, and she apologized for being unable to come to the shower, and I understand that asking someone to be a bridesmaid is to honor them, which is why I asked her. But now the friendship has seemingly wandered away even though I have sorely missed her and asked to see her again. I know something could be going on in her life that I'm unaware of, but it hurts when I'm three weeks from the wedding and she hasn't spoken to me for months. She's been going to different fun events nearly every weekend.

    You asked me if I don't think it's rude to have a b-list bridesmaid, but I'm seriously over here hurting and trying to cover it that my friend returned the RSVP card but won't pick up the phone and won't reply to me any other way. I did not mean I was actually going to leave a 'tacky' voicemail. I was trying to lighten the mood because my closest friend and the woman I considered to be my maid of honor is mysteriously not even replying three weeks until the wedding and is showing no interest in catching up with me. 

    It may be easy to say that if she doesn't show up to be my bridesmaid, then it's as simple as her not being in the wedding. But when she was one of two, and potentially the only person going to be up there, it's not as emotionally simple as that. 

    I will leave her the nice voice mail. The fact is that it is making me feel sad and like it's a last ditch attempt to get in touch with a close friend who suddenly disappeared, and I can't tell if she is trying to back out of being up there or not. 
    Don't have someone "step in".    Just don't.  Though if you want your mom or sister or someone else to be your witness to sign your marriage license, that's fine, but don't replace a bridesmaid.
  • Wait I'm sorry I don't understand what the person who replied to her is possibly saying- you are not being rude. This is a big day for you and your family what will be "rude" is if the morning of the wedding when you're trying to get ready this "friend" doesn't show up either. A little accolade one of my very good friends was married last summer. She asked her sister and two other girls (one a girl we'd all grown up with and the other a girl she had become friends with in her new state where she moved with her husband). The 2nd bridesmaid did not show up to the shower did not show up to the bachelorette party was late to the wedding and then spent the entire wedding only speaking to her boyfriend who she was fighting with the entire time. Since the wedding she has never spoken to my poor friend again. My poor friend was absolutely heartbroken by how it turned out because lets face it wedding planning can be stressful, and a bridesmaid should be there to help make you laugh celebrate with you but not make you chase them! Something has happened and you need to call her and say exactly what you're proposing and if you get a bad vibe say I think it's better that you not be in the bridal party. This person is not your real friend.
  • This person is presumably close to you since you've asked her to be one of two people standing next to you as you say some of the most important words of your life.

    So why are you only worried about your wedding? If I were you, I'd be really worried about my friend's well being and whether she was ok. If it's not like her to drop off the map, I'd wonder if she had run into any problems, if there was anything I could help her with or what I could do. And you are off wondering what you're going to do if she doesn't show, whether she's gossiping about you, etc. I don't really understand this. 

    I would be REALLY hurt if I were your sister and you asked me to be an understudy for your BM. Translation: "I decided you weren't good enough to stand up in the wedding, but make sure you're ready to go if my first choice doesn't show up." Ouch! 

    You CAN get married without BMs. People do this all the time. You don't need "support". You'll be looking into your loving FI's face the whole time and not anywhere else anyway. You get to the altar single and you leave with a life partner. What more support do you need than that?
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    [Deleted User]OliveOilsMomhuskypuppy14
  • This person is presumably close to you since you've asked her to be one of two people standing next to you as you say some of the most important words of your life.

    So why are you only worried about your wedding? If I were you, I'd be really worried about my friend's well being and whether she was ok. If it's not like her to drop off the map, I'd wonder if she had run into any problems, if there was anything I could help her with or what I could do. And you are off wondering what you're going to do if she doesn't show, whether she's gossiping about you, etc. I don't really understand this. 

    I would be REALLY hurt if I were your sister and you asked me to be an understudy for your BM. Translation: "I decided you weren't good enough to stand up in the wedding, but make sure you're ready to go if my first choice doesn't show up." Ouch! 

    You CAN get married without BMs. People do this all the time. You don't need "support". You'll be looking into your loving FI's face the whole time and not anywhere else anyway. You get to the altar single and you leave with a life partner. What more support do you need than that?
    Yes, this.  Exactly.
  • I can understand your source of anxiety with everything you have on your plate. I honestly don't think a new bridesmaid would be all that bad...but that's because I was in a similar situation. My friend was getting married to a beautiful woman I had never met but he introduced us and we got along swimmingly. I was the only friend they had in the state since they just moved here and the bride was so overwhelmed with all the DIY wedding projects that she so I offered to help. On one craft fest, she confined to me that she was having a problem with her bridesmaid doing something similar to your situation. A week later, the bridesmaid told the bride she couldn't be in the wedding due to her dislike for the groom. Weeks away from the wedding, she asked me to fill in the spot. I was honored that she would choose me to stand with her and her friends during a special moment. That I would help to relieve some of the fear and anxiety she felt when her careful plans were slightly askew. The exbridesmaid didn't end up showing up to the wedding but the bride and I became excellent friends and her wedding was beautiful. This isn't the same situation for but I don't think anyone you would pick would feel terrible. Like your mom and your sister said, they would step up in a heart beat. Its not about being second best, its about putting your anxiety and fear to rest.
  • lilacck28lilacck28 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited October 2014
    ERoszko84 said:
    Wait I'm sorry I don't understand what the person who replied to her is possibly saying- you are not being rude. This is a big day for you and your family what will be "rude" is if the morning of the wedding when you're trying to get ready this "friend" doesn't show up either. A little accolade one of my very good friends was married last summer. She asked her sister and two other girls (one a girl we'd all grown up with and the other a girl she had become friends with in her new state where she moved with her husband). The 2nd bridesmaid did not show up to the shower did not show up to the bachelorette party was late to the wedding and then spent the entire wedding only speaking to her boyfriend who she was fighting with the entire time. Since the wedding she has never spoken to my poor friend again. My poor friend was absolutely heartbroken by how it turned out because lets face it wedding planning can be stressful, and a bridesmaid should be there to help make you laugh celebrate with you but not make you chase them! Something has happened and you need to call her and say exactly what you're proposing and if you get a bad vibe say I think it's better that you not be in the bridal party. This person is not your real friend.



    STUCK IN BOX

    Maybe this was a typo, and you meant to say "a little while ago" but if not.... "accolade" isn't the right word here. Accolade is an honor or award. Allegory or analogy are closer to what I think you meant (though they're not quite right either. Example is probably the best word to use there.) I say this with no snark... I just hate realizing I've used a word incorrectly or mispronounced something. Figured it would be better to be corrected online by a stranger than someone in real life!
  • IrishPirate60IrishPirate60 Clare Island member
    Seventh Anniversary 250 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    I think she may have been going for "anecdote."
    lilacck28[Deleted User]
  • Had a brain freeze myself!
    I think she may have been going for "anecdote."

  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    What do you need someone else to step in for?
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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