Vent not very happy right now

SBmini

It's been a rough day between H and I. First, we got into a fight over savings. He agrees we need to save more, but he doesn't follow through. He regularly puts money I want in the saving account in the checking account because we "need it." Yeah, because we "need" the $250 we spent on Amazon stuff this month. So we fought about it. Then I left and went to run errands.

That then made me more upset because while I was out doing stuff for the house (including buying thread to hem his new pants) he was napping. And the whole time I was out the only thing I could think about was how I carry so much more than he does. I work harder, come home later, I cook almost every night and do more chores around the house. 

I get home and we don't really talk about the savings fight. I start calling around to get new auto insurance quotes to try and save us some money and he starts folding some clothes... poorly, but what ever, at least he's doing something. He gets through half the basket (which is 90% his clothes) and he tells me the rest is mine. Well, that started a whole new fight. 

Apparently he couldn't fold the clothes because my cup was on the table as was the peanut butter he pulled out, but I had the last bite of (meaning it was now mine). I couldn't believe that he wouldn't just clear off the table to make room for himself to fold clothes- like I do every time I fold. But no, he wanted to make a big deal out of it. I brought up how much more I do and how I would like it if he just did this one thing. Well, he did not like that at all. He started yelling at me and saying how he pulls more than his share of the weight. Blah, blah, blah. All lies. He typically only does something when I ask him to then he complains the whole time about it. 

I'm so pissed off right now. I'm so tired of feeling like the only adult in our relationship. 

thanks for letting me vent.

blabla89

I'm sorry hun, that really stinks. Sending you lots of wine and internet hugs!

Nymeru

Maybe you seriously need to do the roommate chore chart and then divvy that bad boy up in half.  DH really wasn't aware of how much I did until he saw it all laid out in front of him on a list.  Ever since, he jumps up to help if I'm doing something.  We don't have to plan out what each person is going to do anymore.  We've got it pretty much divided up into what each of us is comfortable with.  I despise dusting and he despises cleaning the bathroom.  We've got each other's backs now.

larrygaga

Nymeru said:

Maybe you seriously need to do the roommate chore chart and then divvy that bad boy up in half.  DH really wasn't aware of how much I did until he saw it all laid out in front of him on a list.  Ever since, he jumps up to help if I'm doing something.  We don't have to plan out what each person is going to do anymore.  We've got it pretty much divided up into what each of us is comfortable with.  I despise dusting and he despises cleaning the bathroom.  We've got each other's backs now.

I had a friend in the same situation and she did a chore chart and it really helped put it into perspective.

JaxInBlue

Ditto the chore chart.  Life saver.  We also have the "who hates it less" rule.  The person who hates doing whatever less gets the chore - DH does the dishes, I clean the bathrooms; DH takes out the trash, I clean the litter box.  In the beginning we had to write it all out and divide stuff up, but know it works pretty well on its own.

theycallmelinz

I second all this stuff, a chore chart and the "who hates it less" stuff. Good luck sorting it out with him!

jenajjthr

I used to think the "chore chart" was for children, what two adults really needed it? But the PP's are right, when it is put down in black and white, in front of you, who does what, it hits you like a ton of bricks if somebody is doing more than the other. 

I couldn't even talk to my ex about doing more than a bare minimum, so I'm no help in advice there. I will just ditto the PP's, do the who hates what less part, and divvy up that way. making sure to work in work schedules. 

theartistformerlyknownas

Yeah I agree with PPs, there's probably a chance that he doesn't fully realize how much you're actually doing, and may not realize it until you either spell it out for him or just stop doing all the things and see how long it takes for everything to fall into shambles. If he's comfortable with shambles though, you may go crazy before he notices or cares.

But because I know you're venting. GRRRRR dammit H! Go ahead and be mad.

SBmini

Thanks for the great advice! I just had a talk with H. We agreed to a chore chart and that some money that is currently going into checking will go into savings. Those are two of our biggest on going disagreements so I hope this helps. I also got everything set up in Mint so I can start paying more attention to the accounts. 

LadyMillil

I feel you. This past week has been super hectic for me and I haven't taken a day off work since Labour Day. DH has done ok picking up the slack around the house, but for some reason he didn't think he should have to do the dishes (his normal chore) since he was doing some of my normal chores. We literally had a pan growing mould and stinking up the whole apartment and he was all "whatever it doesn't smell that bad, and it's your job to do dishes since I did x, y, z of your chores". DH has a chore list on the fridge. I write his chores on it then text him when I'm leaving work to let him know I'll be home in an hour so he better do the chores.

sarahufl

There is a zero percent chance I would allow a CHORE CHART in my home before we had kids. Not a chance. You should be able to divvy up household tasks without a chart, IMO. H works a lot more than me, so I tend to take on a lot of the household stuff but I can usually just ask him to do something and he will.

RE: the money. It is important for everyone to be on the same page, so I think you should look at your longterm goals and see what works best for you. Good luck!

aggiespartan

We both have hectic jobs so we swap dinner weeks.  That way we know who is responsible for dinner, and it's their choice so there's no "what do you want for dinner" "oh I don't know what do you want" "I don't know you decide" mumbo jumbo going on.  The person in charge of dinner is also responsible for grocery shopping for their week.  It has worked out really well. 

SBmini

I think chore charts are super unnecessary too, but apparently... we both do more than the other person knows we do. And thus, we both do less than the other person thinks we do. I sold him the chore chart under that concept. I think he doesn't do enough, he thinks he does, so I said, well, why don't we keep track of it for a few weeks so we know what's really happening. I think this will sort itself out pretty soon. 

anjemon

We haven't needed to do a chore chart, but I have started a chore schedule. Mostly so I can keep track of the last time I did xxx. Like deep cleaning the bathroom or washing the comforter. Otherwise by the time I think of doing it again a ridiculously long time has passed... so doing a chore schedule lets us know what needs to be done but also can help keep me on track with when it should be done.

raissyrais

It's imperative that your H understands that shared work is important for you. I hope he's not taking you for granted or you'll start to resent him. I hope the chart works for you! 

goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826

Im a slob.  So is FI.  The apartment is in shambles right now because we are both so busy.  

We have the "who hates it less" style of chore assignment too.  I hate laundry, so FI does it.  He hates dishes so I do that.  We both do recycling.  It's just a matter of when that gets done because it piles up until it threatens to kill someone.  Oops.  

I wouldn't rule out a chore chart.  I mean, if anything can help, and it is a simple solution to try.

It's the saving money thing that I hope works out more.  

ElcaB

I can absolutely relate to feeling like you carry the majority of the workload at home. I don't have much advice except to make sure you get time to relax, too. 

Hugs to you!

Cookie Pusher

DH is fairly anti-chores. For a while, I'm pretty sure he thought fairies came and cleaned our place. And food magically appeared in the fridge whenever he opened the door. We had many a disagreement about how much each of us would contribute towards the housework. He was seriously deluded when he thought I would pay 50% of the bills and do 99% of the chores. I had to literally stop doing everything in order to get him to understand how much I was actually doing - he thought him taking the recycling out once a week was equal to me cooking dinner every night. Um... no.

While a chore chart shouldn't be necessary, for some people, having the visual representation right in front of them makes it much easier to wrap their heads around. Hopefully you and your husband can find a division of labor and a savings plan that works for you.

jackannlu

When FI and I first moved in together we had this issue. We both lived with our parents before moving in with each other, so FI was used to having his mom cook and clean for him. I had lived on my own while in college so I knew what house work was and knew how to do it. I didn't have to do a chore chart, but just talked with him about it. I wasn't asking him to do much because he does work a lot more hours than I do, and works 6 days a week whereas I work the standard M-F 9-5. But we've found a balance that we're both comfortable with. I still clean the majority of the house on Saturdays since I'm off, but he does the dishes, takes out the trash, takes care of the yard, and does a lot more around the house then he used to.

emmaaa

I don't like chore charts for adults either. But hey, whatever works for you and your partner.

Fi and I have a verbal agreement on household chores. 

I vacuum, dust, clean the counters in the kitchen, clean the counters in the bathroom, clean the shower, make the bed, do laundry, cook, litter box, and keep the house tidy.

FI always does the dishes, prep work for cooking, mows the lawn, trims the bushes, mops the floor, sweeps the floor every day, feeds the dogs, cleans the toilet, and helps me not be so anxious if the house isn't perfect.

It is all about just communicating the responsibilities that each perosn has. 

lyndausvi

DH work schedule goes in waves.    For 5 months he worked 10-12 hour days had 2 days off.  I did 80-90% of the work.   I work a lot less hours plus I work from home. It's easier for me.  

He felt bad I was doing everything so he got a housekeeper every other week  :-) 

Now that he is down to 5-6 days a week he is picking up more duties.  Still more me, but I'm okay with that.  Since I'm home I feel like it's mostly my mess anyway.   In the winter he will go down to 4-5 days only 8 hour days.   I except him to pick up even more.  Then when we come back around to late spring it will be all on me (and the housekeeper) again.

It will NEVER be 50/50 and I'm okay with that.  Sure it's annoying that he doesn't "see" all his stupid black socks everywhere, but if I ask him to pick them up he does.  For the life of me I do not understand his aversion to loading the dishwasher.  He always leaves the dishes in the sink, but at least he gets them that far right?

jenna8984

SBmini said:

That then made me more upset because while I was out doing stuff for the house (including buying thread to hem his new pants) he was napping.

 

This gets me a little annoyed too. On Saturdays my husband works so I clean the house, laundry, run to the bank, get stuff like toilet paper at Walmart, etc. So my day off is really not a free day to lay in bed. Then husband gets Mondays off from work (I work) and he sits on the couch all day playing video games. I'm like how come my day off is work but yours is totally free?

We don't really fight about it though because he would do those things if I asked, I just never bother to ask. I think it's because I feel bad about our jobs. I sit at a desk in the A/C (or heat) and he does manual labor in a garage in the outside tempurature so I feel like I have to do the household stuff to compensate for him working harder than me during the day.

loveislouder

FI and I had a tiff about this this weekend too.  He doesn't understand that the house needs to be clean before company comes over, so he asked me to lay out for him what needs to be done, and how often.

So I laid it out for him, room by room, what has to be done daily, weekly, and as often as necessary.

We don't have a who hates it less rule, but more of a Loveislouder is allergic to dishsoap and latex/non-latex dish gloves, so FI does anything that can't go in the dishwasher, and I do the laundry because he did the laundry once and I had a bunch of pink clothes that were too small for me by the time he was done.

emmaaa

loveislouder said:

FI and I had a tiff about this this weekend too.  He doesn't understand that the house needs to be clean before company comes over, so he asked me to lay out for him what needs to be done, and how often.

So I laid it out for him, room by room, what has to be done daily, weekly, and as often as necessary.

We don't have a who hates it less rule, but more of a Loveislouder is allergic to dishsoap and latex/non-latex dish gloves, so FI does anything that can't go in the dishwasher, and I do the laundry because he did the laundry once and I had a bunch of pink clothes that were too small for me by the time he was done.

Am I the only one who hates this notion that the house has to be clean for company? I mean don't get me wrong, I always want it to be spotless regardless, especially when people are coming over. But it is so discouraging getting it clean knowing that it will be dirty by the time they leave. 

SBmini

scribe95 That's what I do with some of my paycheck. I also just learned that H is putting 15% into his 401K (10% and work matches the other 5%) I talked to him about maybe taking that extra 5% and putting it into savings, at least for a while. The big issue with savings comes from our rent check. I operate under the notion of any new money is saved money. H operates under any new money makes us more comfortable. He handles the bills (maybe a mistake, but he's in banking and doesn't mind it) so he is also supposed to handle moving the directly deposited rent check from checking into savings. But he doesn't most of the time because we "need it". But we maybe need a little bit of it- not the whole thing, and having it in checking just makes us more likely to spend it. 

I saved us $120 a month last night by switching from Geico to Esurance. And the coverage is better! It is truly unbelievable. With that extra money in the account, H has agreed to religiously move the rent check into savings. And I'll be looking at the account more to make sure we are reaching our savings goal. 

We are also getting Google Wallet cards. This is my knee-jerk reaction to all the data breaches. Google Wallet is like a pre-paid account. You add money to it and then when there is no more money, the card doesn't work. Because it won't be tied to our banking account, I won't be as worried if a data breach happens at a place we use it. It will also help make sure we don't overdraft. We will each get an allowance on our Google Wallet card and when that allowance is done- tough. What ever else you wanted to get you don't get. Important things like medical not withstanding. The card has no fees- you just have to be comfortable with our Google Overlords knowing about all your shopping habits. Say hello to more targeted ads. 

As for the chores... H loaded the dishwasher this morning and picked up the kitchen. He also put away the clothes he folded last night instead of just leaving the basket in the room. So it's already having a positive impact. I have the chart on Google Docs. I went in and noted the work he did and thanked him for it. 

theartistformerlyknownas

SBmini said:

I saved us $120 a month last night by switching from Geico to Esurance. And the coverage is better! It is truly unbelievable. With that extra money in the account, H has agreed to religiously move the rent check into savings. And I'll be looking at the account more to make sure we are reaching our savings goal. 

I'm glad I'm not the only one excited about insurance! I got some online quotes on Friday and we'll save a bunch AND have better coverage once we get his car and the house moved to USAA, which he wasn't eligible for before (YOU'RE WELCOME). We were already on the same health insurance plan (yay for domestic partner coverage!) and once I get my name changed on my ID we're going to get a Costco membership that I got via Groupon just before the wedding. (Yeah we could get it now but it's one less thing to change my name on later.)

We look at a chore chart less as keeping tabs on each other, and more as keeping up with what has and hasn't been done yet so we don't waste time (or forget about the things neither of us likes to do). We had had weekends where both of us would vacuum because the second didn't realize the first had already done it. The chart will just let us know vacuuming is done but the front doorwall hasn't been cleaned since the last Pope so maybe do that now.

ShesSoCold

H and I don't have a chore chart, but we have listed out everything that needs to be done. For a few reasons - one being to make sure it's "even" and also to remind him that cleaning the kitchen isn't just wiping down the countertops. It's taken us a long time to get to the point where we're both happy with the cleanliness of the house vs. amount of work that needs to be done balance. 

Another thing that works for us, is when we both have a full day off (not often, but comes in seasons), we both clean together at the same time. When the bathroom is done, I start dusting. When the kitchen is done, he starts the floors. That way neither of us are working while the other one is laying around. 

APDSS22

wandajune6

SBmini said:

That then made me more upset because while I was out doing stuff for the house (including buying thread to hem his new pants) he was napping. And the whole time I was out the only thing I could think about was how I carry so much more than he does. I work harder, come home later, I cook almost every night and do more chores around the house. 

Welcome to my world. FI and I agreed that when he started school, I'd take on more chores and that we'd be more on top of FSS to take care of his. That's fair since we both also work full-time. However, it drives me crazy that he's suddenly stopped cleaning up after himself altogether. It's one thing to leave me the laundry, it's another to stop putting your plate in the dishwasher. And when I come home to see those dishes on the counter and him watching tv, I lose my mind.

We now have a chore chart in our kitchen.

We've found it to be helpful. For instance, FSS insists that he cleans the bathroom (his chore since he's filthy) on a weekly basis so we now know that it's an issue of the quality of the job vs. not doing it at all. For FI and I, we're realizing that we both do work that the other one doesn't appreciate. I coupon heavily because it saves us a lot of money. He fixes a lot of things in our house before I know they're broken. This helped us realize how awesome the other is

It's also really good for helping us remember monthly chores like cleaning air filters, etc.

And when one of us screws up horribly, the other gets to play the "I'm an asshole" song by Dennis Leary.

KatieinBkln

Does anyone have a link or photo of the chore chart they use?

I am just a super-duper visionary who breaks all the gender norms...and I am the bad guy who doesn't do enough around the house. Mea culpa. FI and I got into it last week, which I completely deserved (although we are both slobs; I am just worse). But because I don't want to be a complete piece of shit (and actually enjoy a clean house; just not the work that goes into making it so), I'd love to see the versions you all have used to keep yourselves on track. Any suggestions?

princessofgenovia

When I lived alone I had to make a chore chart just for me, because if I don't have it written down, I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to be doing. Yes, as a grown up I should be able to just know what needs to be done and then do it. But hey, I'm not great at being a grown up in that respect, I'm ok with it. I also did a star chart for myself to go the gym 10 stars=1 treat. Most stars, bigger treat. I basically pretend I'm 5 trying to take care of myself.

FI and I are working on coming up with one for living together. It's not even been a month yet so we're still just trying to unpack. We're eating off paper plates and each just doing our own laundry. And whoever sees the trash is full takes it out.