Mothers everywhere: It is not your fucking wedding

novella1186

ugh. I'm sorry @wajohnson09. This sounds similar to my mom. I have the same suspicion too; I was really timid when I was a kid and NEVER spoke up. Now when I try to stand up for myself I think my family is shocked, and throws tantrums that I won't let them step all over me, and claim that I'm "just being a bitch." Families are great sometimes, huh? And when you think about all the craziness in the grand scheme of things, the wedding is just ONE day. It's a matter of hours. What are all the tantrums really for, in the end?!

wajohnson09

@novella1186‌ yep same thing. I'm either a bitch or a bridezilla if I insist FI and I are making the decisions for our wedding.

steph861

wajohnson09 said:

@novella1186‌ yep same thing. I'm either a bitch or a bridezilla if I insist FI and I are making the decisions for our wedding.

This REALLY irks me, and I've never even been called a bridezilla (at least not to my face). MOBs/MOGs aren't the only offenders, either. Some people seem to think that if a bride has any wedding-related opinions that are counter to their own - no matter how diplomatic the bride is in expressing them - then the bride is clearly a monster and a bitch. Sure, some brides are true 'zillas, but it seems like a lot of people throw that word around simply because the word exists.

Why does the fact that it's a wedding make some people think it's okay to completely overreact to a woman with an opinion and call her names? Most people wouldn't be so rude in other situations, so why are they so quick to name-call when it's a wedding? It's not cute or funny to call a bride a bridezilla, particularly when she's not being one at all.

hellohkb

I may be in the minority here but I wish FMIL was involved. She seems really uninterested and it makes me feel bad for FI.

When I read some posts, not just here, it can sometimes comes across as bratty to me. Mom's are excited and trying to help make your wedding special. I don't think most moms mean any harm when they give their opinion or want something at the wedding. My mom begged for brownies and I agreed. They're something minor that will make her happy, so why not?

MegEn1

hellokellybean said:

I may be in the minority here but I wish FMIL was involved. She seems really uninterested and it makes me feel bad for FI. When I read some posts, not just here, it can sometimes comes across as bratty to me. Mom's are excited and trying to help make your wedding special. I don't think most moms mean any harm when they give their opinion or want something at the wedding. My mom begged for brownies and I agreed. They're something minor that will make her happy, so why not?

I think from a lot of the stories here, more women would be happy if FMIL could BE happy. It seems like a lot of these comments talk about FMIL wanting X,Y,Z, my way, and still aren't happy.

For my own part I think I've been a little curt with FMIL lately because I read these stories and it terrifies me that she'll turn into a FMIL-zilla like so many others. She hasn't, hopefully she won't, I need to remember that.

miniac

My mom wants me to invite my sister's fiance's parents whom I have never met because they did the reno on my parents' house. She insisted because she thinks they will be really upset if they aren't invited (????). My sister and her fiance don't think it's necessary and aren't inviting my fiance's parents to their wedding either. My mom doesn't care about that though because they are having a destination wedding so my fiance's parents wouldn't come (to a stranger's) wedding anyway.

Now, my FMIL gave me her list of invitees and she included my fiance's sister's in laws! UGHHH. However they are actually friends and I've met those folks several times. But I can't let them invite those in laws, and not let my mom invite my sister's future in laws. And our list is already over our limit, even without them!

flantastic

miniac said:

My mom wants me to invite my sister's fiance's parents whom I have never met because they did the reno on my parents' house. She insisted because she thinks they will be really upset if they aren't invited (????). My sister and her fiance don't think it's necessary and aren't inviting my fiance's parents to their wedding either. My mom doesn't care about that though because they are having a destination wedding so my fiance's parents wouldn't come (to a stranger's) wedding anyway.

Now, my FMIL gave me her list of invitees and she included my fiance's sister's in laws! UGHHH. However they are actually friends and I've met those folks several times. But I can't let them invite those in laws, and not let my mom invite my sister's future in laws. And our list is already over our limit, even without them!

LOL. If that's the case, that's their problem, not yours. But yeah, I get that tough situation.

novella1186

miniac said:

My mom wants me to invite my sister's fiance's parents whom I have never met because they did the reno on my parents' house. She insisted because she thinks they will be really upset if they aren't invited (????). My sister and her fiance don't think it's necessary and aren't inviting my fiance's parents to their wedding either. My mom doesn't care about that though because they are having a destination wedding so my fiance's parents wouldn't come (to a stranger's) wedding anyway.

Now, my FMIL gave me her list of invitees and she included my fiance's sister's in laws! UGHHH. However they are actually friends and I've met those folks several times. But I can't let them invite those in laws, and not let my mom invite my sister's future in laws. And our list is already over our limit, even without them!

My FMIL is inviting my FSIL's in-laws. Whatever. I thought it was a little strange at first, but it doesn't bother me. If we were way over capacity I may have a problem with it, though. Only because over capacity = no! 

[Deleted User]

miniac said:

My mom wants me to invite my sister's fiance's parents whom I have never met because they did the reno on my parents' house. She insisted because she thinks they will be really upset if they aren't invited (????). My sister and her fiance don't think it's necessary and aren't inviting my fiance's parents to their wedding either. My mom doesn't care about that though because they are having a destination wedding so my fiance's parents wouldn't come (to a stranger's) wedding anyway.

Now, my FMIL gave me her list of invitees and she included my fiance's sister's in laws! UGHHH. However they are actually friends and I've met those folks several times. But I can't let them invite those in laws, and not let my mom invite my sister's future in laws. And our list is already over our limit, even without them!

Yes, you can.  These are people you've met.  The others are people you haven't met.  Force your mother to draw the line there.  "Mom, I'm happy to invite 2nd Cousin Sally and your next door neighbor because I've met these people.  But I can't invite sister's fiance's parents because I wouldn't know them from Adam, and because my sister and her fiance don't think it's necessary.  Can we please stick to people I've at least met?"

I've met my FH's brother's in-laws and even been to their house several times because they share grandchildren with my future in-laws.  So we have birthday parties for FH's niece and nephew at their house.  But I've only met my sister's in-laws once, at my sister's wedding.  My parents, however have vacationed with them, so this may end up being my own issue as well.  Sigh.

simcal18

Reading these stories has made me so grateful that my mom and FMIL are for the most part incredibly sane.  Ironically, the one thing that my mother has been overly pushy about is my dress, which to me is the most bride-personal aspect of the wedding and should be the one thing if anything that the bride alone gets the absolute final say in (assuming that she is either paying for the dress herself or the dress is within the predetermined budget she's been given).  My mom picked out a dress for me to try on when we went shopping that was pouffy and princessy tulle-y and all of the things that I did NOT want in a dress, but it got a big reaction from the dress-shopping crowd that was there.  She pushed it on me for weeks until I went shopping at a different store with one of my bridesmaids and picked out a raw silk mermaid that is the total opposite of the dress my mom picked and is exactly what I wanted.  

She's bummed and I feel bad, but my money, my dress, my decision.  She'll get over it.

birdybride2014

I've been watching this thread, but avoiding venting...but I can't hold back anymore lol 

my FMIL is a big part of the reason that we accidentally over invited (which i wrote about in a different thread). She tried to claim the other day that all of FI uncles don't need a seat...that they'll just stand at the bar, so I shouldn't be worried about not having enough room. I told FI that she was pissing me off, and he says, "Oh, she's probably just kidding". Later, she tries to get FI to put more people on the guest list. ah, then he agreed she wasn't just kidding....

She also keeps sending group texts about her gown that she is getting for the wedding. Ugh...no one cares what she is wearing. (this one, I do know and acknowledge I'm being petty. BUT COME ON...no one cares what she is wearing and no one will remember. stop sending group text pictures of the dress so all of your sisters can ooooh and ahhhh about it. She's been worried about this dress for the last 8 months)

And my last vent. my FBIL came out this year and FMIL keeps telling everyone that this is the only wedding she'll ever get to plan (as in ours). How horrible is that? She should be hopeful that someday our state will let it be possible..not just assume he'll never get married! I'm really worried that at our reception she is going to get plastered and start crying to everyone over this being her only wedding. It will be seriously hurtful to FBIL and...again....it's not HER wedding. 

hellohkb

MegEn1 said:

hellokellybean said:

I may be in the minority here but I wish FMIL was involved. She seems really uninterested and it makes me feel bad for FI.

When I read some posts, not just here, it can sometimes comes across as bratty to me. Mom's are excited and trying to help make your wedding special. I don't think most moms mean any harm when they give their opinion or want something at the wedding. My mom begged for brownies and I agreed. They're something minor that will make her happy, so why not?

I think from a lot of the stories here, more women would be happy if FMIL could BE happy. It seems like a lot of these comments talk about FMIL wanting X,Y,Z, my way, and still aren't happy.

For my own part I think I've been a little curt with FMIL lately because I read these stories and it terrifies me that she'll turn into a FMIL-zilla like so many others. She hasn't, hopefully she won't, I need to remember that.



I don't mean stories like that, though. I hear a lot of bride to be's talking about how their so sick of their mom and FMIL being over involved and have an opinion .

flantastic

hellokellybean said:

hellokellybean said:

I may be in the minority here but I wish FMIL was involved. She seems really uninterested and it makes me feel bad for FI. When I read some posts, not just here, it can sometimes comes across as bratty to me. Mom's are excited and trying to help make your wedding special. I don't think most moms mean any harm when they give their opinion or want something at the wedding. My mom begged for brownies and I agreed. They're something minor that will make her happy, so why not?

I think from a lot of the stories here, more women would be happy if FMIL could BE happy. It seems like a lot of these comments talk about FMIL wanting X,Y,Z, my way, and still aren't happy.

For my own part I think I've been a little curt with FMIL lately because I read these stories and it terrifies me that she'll turn into a FMIL-zilla like so many others. She hasn't, hopefully she won't, I need to remember that.

I don't mean stories like that, though. I hear a lot of bride to be's talking about how their so sick of their mom and FMIL being over involved and have an opinion .

Eh. Personal boundaries are personal. I don't want mom or FMIL involved in things that really aren't her business, according to mine and FI's personal boundaries. If those wouldn't be your boundaries, cool. If you wish you had what I don't want, cool. But that doesn't mean I have to want it or be okay with it.

crackktheskyy

Sometimes I almost wish my mom was involved a little MORE, but I think that will increase as the wedding gets closer. We did just go shoe shopping together this weekend!

My mom does keep embarrassing me by calling me a "bridezilla" in front of everyone, though. I'm not sure where she picked up the term but she thinks that it means that I am getting married and that I've finished a boat load of planning. I keep telling her that bridezilla is a pejorative term, but she doesn't get it.

hellohkb

flantastic said:

hellokellybean said:

hellokellybean said:

I may be in the minority here but I wish FMIL was involved. She seems really uninterested and it makes me feel bad for FI. When I read some posts, not just here, it can sometimes comes across as bratty to me. Mom's are excited and trying to help make your wedding special. I don't think most moms mean any harm when they give their opinion or want something at the wedding. My mom begged for brownies and I agreed. They're something minor that will make her happy, so why not?

I think from a lot of the stories here, more women would be happy if FMIL could BE happy. It seems like a lot of these comments talk about FMIL wanting X,Y,Z, my way, and still aren't happy.

For my own part I think I've been a little curt with FMIL lately because I read these stories and it terrifies me that she'll turn into a FMIL-zilla like so many others. She hasn't, hopefully she won't, I need to remember that.

I don't mean stories like that, though. I hear a lot of bride to be's talking about how their so sick of their mom and FMIL being over involved and have an opinion .

Eh. Personal boundaries are personal. I don't want mom or FMIL involved in things that really aren't her business, according to mine and FI's personal boundaries. If those wouldn't be your boundaries, cool. If you wish you had what I don't want, cool. But that doesn't mean I have to want it or be okay with it.

Well it's a good thing I never said you had to want it or be okay with it. It's good that you realize what your boundaries are and when to put on the brakes.

However, I mentioned that I think many people whining about their mothers opinions is a bit OOT. I think in most circumstances, they are easily ignored. There are many moms on here who are great at giving advice and opinions, and the OPs thread title was a bit.. Much.

flantastic

hellokellybean said:

flantastic said:

hellokellybean said:

hellokellybean said:

I may be in the minority here but I wish FMIL was involved. She seems really uninterested and it makes me feel bad for FI. When I read some posts, not just here, it can sometimes comes across as bratty to me. Mom's are excited and trying to help make your wedding special. I don't think most moms mean any harm when they give their opinion or want something at the wedding. My mom begged for brownies and I agreed. They're something minor that will make her happy, so why not?

I think from a lot of the stories here, more women would be happy if FMIL could BE happy. It seems like a lot of these comments talk about FMIL wanting X,Y,Z, my way, and still aren't happy.

For my own part I think I've been a little curt with FMIL lately because I read these stories and it terrifies me that she'll turn into a FMIL-zilla like so many others. She hasn't, hopefully she won't, I need to remember that.

I don't mean stories like that, though. I hear a lot of bride to be's talking about how their so sick of their mom and FMIL being over involved and have an opinion .

Eh. Personal boundaries are personal. I don't want mom or FMIL involved in things that really aren't her business, according to mine and FI's personal boundaries. If those wouldn't be your boundaries, cool. If you wish you had what I don't want, cool. But that doesn't mean I have to want it or be okay with it.

Well it's a good thing I never said you had to want it or be okay with it. It's good that you realize what your boundaries are and when to put on the brakes.

However, I mentioned that I think many people whining about their mothers opinions is a bit OOT. I think in most circumstances, they are easily ignored. There are many moms on here who are great at giving advice and opinions, and the OPs thread title was a bit.. Much.

Perhaps it was much for her situation, and yeah, the "everywhere" could be read as a generalization to all moms, but "it is not your fucking wedding" is in fact the other extreme - some moms are uninvolved, like your FI's (sorry that's the case); some are awesome, like mine; and some think it's their prerogative to decide every aspect of their children's wedding, which is sort of my FMIL (but I wouldn't go quite that far).

hellohkb

Yeah, I agree. Extreme in either direction can be irritating. My mother is luckily not in either extreme as well. 

Jen4948

miniac said:

My mom wants me to invite my sister's fiance's parents whom I have never met because they did the reno on my parents' house. She insisted because she thinks they will be really upset if they aren't invited (????). My sister and her fiance don't think it's necessary and aren't inviting my fiance's parents to their wedding either. My mom doesn't care about that though because they are having a destination wedding so my fiance's parents wouldn't come (to a stranger's) wedding anyway.

Now, my FMIL gave me her list of invitees and she included my fiance's sister's in laws! UGHHH. However they are actually friends and I've met those folks several times. But I can't let them invite those in laws, and not let my mom invite my sister's future in laws. And our list is already over our limit, even without them!

My parents would expect me to invite my brother's in-laws, but they're close to our family (and I like them) so it's reasonable that they'd expect them to be invited.

That said, something I do as a personal game sometimes is keep a running guest list and update it over time as things happen (births, deaths, new couples, breakups).  There was a time when I was very sure who my parents would want to invite and now I'm not sure at all.  They made a lot of new friends over the last few years that they've gotten very close to but I am just now meeting them or haven't met them.  And I myself don't know who I would invite out of my friends now.  I recently moved from NYC to Houston, where I grew up and where my parents live, but for work reasons I haven't had time to re-create my social life so my closest friends are not nearby and I wouldn't expect them to attend my wedding if it's in Houston. 

I can, however, totally expect my mother to turn "momzilla" and completely expect to take over the plans, huff and puff if she doesn't get her way, and freak out over every tiny detail.  Not looking forward to it.

XrebeccaX

With my mom it was mostly the typical mom-type stuff, very minor and she didn't push anything too hard. She wanted me to use the lace from her dress on my dress (I had it made) and it was just not going to work; I accepted her dress when she offered it but then just quietly dropped the subject. At various times she (repeatedly) offered me different things to wear or carry that I didn't want (lace hanky, shawl that my great-grandmother crocheted). I should point out that I love all of these things but, for example, it was 70 degrees on the day I got married and my dress had 3/4 sleeves so I didn't need a shawl. Plus ours was a DW and the fewer things to tote along, the better.

She also had a very bizarre and specific request involving me dancing with my dad while my former church choir director sang some county song about little boys growing up to be dads? I am sure this would be perfect and fitting for a bride out there but as it is literally the worst thing I can think of, I am surprised she would mention it...after all she knows me pretty well.

Anyway we got married a month ago, a DW as I mentioned, and in 2 weeks we are having an AHR. I did not want to do this but my mom insisted, so I have tried very hard to keep it Not A Wedding. It's bbq, casual, no wedding re-enactments or cake cutting (I caught her trying to do an end-around and order a wedding cake...!). So I guess this is her last hurrah. I am just trying to think of it as her excitement for us and be gracious about her generosity.

My husband's mother passed away some years ago, and I very much missed her during the planning process. She would have loved it!

vikichylde

I love reading this discussion, because wedding planning is giving me panic attacks and all I want to do is cry.

southernbelle0915

@slothiegal - zombieee

MadHops21

ETA zombie. ugh. 

bizzy592

My mom is pretty tough under normal circumstances (mental health issues), but so far hasn't expressed any interest. I'm hoping that continues, but will absolutely be back to vent if she gets involved (as that would be... delightful).

Step-mom and FMIL have both been very supportive so far. Step-mom and I have very different taste (I'm more simple and classic, and she likes neon paisley), so there's been a lot of bean-dipping.

My biggest concern at this point (which is a silly problem to have) is that FMIL is far more traditional than pretty much anyone in my family. She has indicated to FI that she has expectations based on traditional rules of etiquette for introductions, visits, parties, and who will pay for what (FI and I are able to pay for the wedding we want ourselves - but FMIL seems to be surprised that my parents aren't paying). I know that she's expecting my parents to host certain events in the upcoming months, and while I'd love for my parents to offer, that sort of thing just doesn't occur to them. And, I'm certainly not about to ask/tell them to host a party. So at this point, FI and I are working to manage expectations, and delicately wording invites (so that he and I can host dinners, not in our honor, but to honor and thank our families).

We're still a ways out, so our hope is that once they know each other better, there will be a better understanding on each side, and more realistic expectations.