Moms and Maids

Dad isn't coming how to be at peace with this

Hi Everyone,

My parents divorced when I was ten and my father has had very sporatic contact with us ever since. Long story short (well I will try) he left my mother pretty flat and went on to have some mid life crisis and married a woman who at the time I was 14 and she was 22 and he was 40. His wife has never been very kind to me (think pennies in a box for christmas while watching her children open the gifts I got them the pennies were to encourage me to save, or when I went to college freshman year and gained my freshman giving me size 2 clothes and saying they were for when i got my weight back down.) My father makes very very very good money now has three children has become very religious and intolerant (not saying those two are the same thing but that's where we are). He has on numerous occassions when were speaking told me what a disapointment I am (I am a full time attorney and paid my own way through law school and college never took a dime from him and he never offered). We didn't speak through all of law school (yes I did see a therapist to help me work through this) and i decided about two years ago when I graduated I would reach back out to him for a relationship. It was a terrible mistake complete with his wife writing me snarky emails about when I would be able to come to the house because their children would be uncomfortable with me as they didnt know me and my father saying he would be visiting the state my fiancee and i know live in only to text me the morning of to say he wouldn't be coming because he'd be taking his wife and their kids to a vacation spot in that state a month later so no point for two trips (clearly I was not invited on this trip.) Anyway, when I got engaged 6 months ago I called my father to tell him and he said "That's great I'm so happy you need to call your step mother and tell her as this needs to come from you not me." I wrote his wife and told her and I never heard anything from either of them again no card no note nothing. It's been 6 months and I have heard nothing from them. My grandfather who raised me will be walking me down the aisle. My fiancee has watched my cry over this and does not think my father should be attending. My mother and step father, my self and fiance, and my future in laws are paying for the wedding. This was a vent and I am sorry for the length but I'm wondering if there are people who have experienced this and how did they cope? Do you feel it's even necessary for me to say I guess via text or email "I think it's best we go our seperate ways for good and in case you were planning on attending (not that he knows where when or if the wedding is still happening) you shouldn't?" I am embarassed and saddened and want to be able to find some peace with this because I am so lucky to have so much love from everyone else in my life. Thank you.

Re: Dad isn't coming how to be at peace with this

  • ERoszko84 said:

    Hi Everyone,

    My parents divorced when I was ten and my father has had very sporatic contact with us ever since. Long story short (well I will try) he left my mother pretty flat and went on to have some mid life crisis and married a woman who at the time I was 14 and she was 22 and he was 40. His wife has never been very kind to me (think pennies in a box for christmas while watching her children open the gifts I got them the pennies were to encourage me to save, or when I went to college freshman year and gained my freshman giving me size 2 clothes and saying they were for when i got my weight back down.) My father makes very very very good money now has three children has become very religious and intolerant (not saying those two are the same thing but that's where we are). He has on numerous occassions when were speaking told me what a disapointment I am (I am a full time attorney and paid my own way through law school and college never took a dime from him and he never offered). We didn't speak through all of law school (yes I did see a therapist to help me work through this) and i decided about two years ago when I graduated I would reach back out to him for a relationship. It was a terrible mistake complete with his wife writing me snarky emails about when I would be able to come to the house because their children would be uncomfortable with me as they didnt know me and my father saying he would be visiting the state my fiancee and i know live in only to text me the morning of to say he wouldn't be coming because he'd be taking his wife and their kids to a vacation spot in that state a month later so no point for two trips (clearly I was not invited on this trip.) Anyway, when I got engaged 6 months ago I called my father to tell him and he said "That's great I'm so happy you need to call your step mother and tell her as this needs to come from you not me." I wrote his wife and told her and I never heard anything from either of them again no card no note nothing. It's been 6 months and I have heard nothing from them. My grandfather who raised me will be walking me down the aisle. My fiancee has watched my cry over this and does not think my father should be attending. My mother and step father, my self and fiance, and my future in laws are paying for the wedding. This was a vent and I am sorry for the length but I'm wondering if there are people who have experienced this and how did they cope? Do you feel it's even necessary for me to say I guess via text or email "I think it's best we go our seperate ways for good and in case you were planning on attending (not that he knows where when or if the wedding is still happening) you shouldn't?" I am embarassed and saddened and want to be able to find some peace with this because I am so lucky to have so much love from everyone else in my life. Thank you.

    Why do you want these people in your life? Have you even sent them an invitation?
    [Deleted User]bahamabride2015southernbelle0915
  • Neither your father nor your step mother sound like very nice people.  I would enjoy your day with the people who love you and who you love.  Just because a man gave you his DNA does not give him any right to be in your life.  Sorry you're sad, but I don't think you're losing anything by not having them there.
    bahamabride2015missxasia
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    It sounds to me like you are better off without intolerant, mean-spirited, cruel people in your lives, and sadly, your father has become one of them.

    You took the high road by inviting them, and I don't think any more is required of you.  And if they do decide they want back into your life, you can, if you think it's appropriate, refuse to oblige them.  If you are still doing therapy, I'd talk about this with your therapist; if you've stopped, I'd consider resuming it to get you through this.
  • edited September 2014
    I would't invite them.  Sounds like you've turned out just fine without his (their) input and it sounds as though having them there will only upset you.

    Your grandfather was more of a father to you than the sperm donor ever will be, let him be your dad at your wedding too.  :)
    [Deleted User]
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Your bio dad sounds like a jerk and I don't know why you are even trying to have a realtionship with him. He has done cruel things to you over and over again. So why put up with that cycle? Since you sound so torn in your post, I would recommend getting more counseling about dealing with the fallout from your father. I would get a new counselor as well, I'm surprised to hear that your first therapist recommended reconnecting. Most good therapists will help you discover how unhealthy certain relationship are and help you move on from them, not keep you in the same unhealthy cycle.
    [Deleted User]
  • I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how disappointed you must feel - not because HE won't be there, but because he's acted like a shitty excuse for a dad.

    Do some soul searching. Do you even want these people in your life? In your kids' lives? If the answer is no, don't invite them to the wedding. It will be difficult to come to terms with actually following through, but you may thank yourself in the long run.
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  • And I would keep seeing a therapist to work through your feelings.
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  • Aww what an awful way to treat your child. Some people really can't see past their nose. SOrry just focus on your family that loves you. Hard to do but you and your FI have such a long and happy life to make your own memories with. Hopefuly your dad some day does not regret what he's done.

  • You sound like such a great person, and it's crappy that your dad and step-mom treat you this way. Your dad of all people should have told this woman off about the way she treats you years ago! Keep your head held high and forget about them. 

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I'm so sorry you had to experience this, erose. Family really is the luck of the draw and it can be so hard to face not having the parents we want or deserve. I work in social services and the piece that gets repeated over and over again is that we can't change the behaviors of those around us, the only thing we can control is how we choose to respond. It sounds like you've given your father plenty of opportunities to be there for you and he hasn't stepped up either because he can't or doesn't want to. It might be time to shift the gears of counseling a bit and focus on developing the coping skills to manage his inevitably disappointing behavior. Look at his actions as a blessing, he's shown you his true colors and given you an opportunity to move forward with an awareness of your reality that many of us don't get until further damage has been done. Good luck, erose. Your coming wedding is a fresh start where you can shed the old family rules and build a family based on your own values
    Just Married!

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  • I have issues with my father, but not the extreme you do. I've learned (also through Therapy) just to treasure the few good things I have with him. If you have no good coming from the relationship, let it go! I totally understand the desire to have your father around, even when he treats you badly. I get you, but it is not worth hurting yourself. This is one of the happiest times of you life, don't let him bring you down.
  • lc07lc07 Sunny Southern California member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I am lucky enough to have a really wonderful family so I don't have first hand experience with what you're going through. But I would be cautious about burning the bridge while feeling fired up or emotional about it. I think that it might be a decision you do come to, but I know, for myself, I would want to be less emotionally charged about it when making such a big decision. 

    I am so sorry you are hurting.
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