How Do I Say..."No Kids"?

DaniBites

Hi everyone!

I'm getting married next September and my fiance and I decided we don't want young children (13 and under) attending.  This really only pertains to his side of the family, they have several young kids who we can't see behaving through a ceremony and reception.  I don't really know how to handle this...I'm 24 and haven't been to many weddings let alone planned one.  

One of my future SIL's has recommended making a note on the invitation to the effect of "No Children Under 13 Please"...is that rude to put on an invitation?  Should we reach out to them individually instead?  

Maggie0829

DaniBites said:

Hi everyone!

I'm getting married next September and my fiance and I decided we don't want young children (13 and under) attending.  This really only pertains to his side of the family, they have several young kids who we can't see behaving through a ceremony and reception.  I don't really know how to handle this...I'm 24 and haven't been to many weddings let alone planned one.  

One of my future SIL's has recommended making a note on the invitation to the effect of "No Children Under 13 Please"...is that rude to put on an invitation?  Should we reach out to them individually instead?  

You never state on an invitation who is not invited.  That is very rude.

When it comes time to send out invites only include those names who are invited on the envelope.  For example if you want to invite Susie and John and they have a kid only address the invite to Mr. and Mrs. John Smith.  If for some reason they RSVP back with 3 instead of 2 then you will have to call them up and say "I am sorry if there was any confusion but the invitation was only for you and John.  We are unable to accommodate Little Billy."

Just make sure that you are not splitting up a family because that is very rude as well.  So if you want to invite Sam and Sarah and they have two kids but one is 8 and the other is 15 you cannot only invite the 15 year old.  You either have to invite both kids or no kids.

pegasuskat

It is rude to put it on the invitation, but not rude to not invite children.  On your invitations you just note they are for the people invited, and on the response cards you put X number of seats, if its just mom and dad you put 2 and list them by name on the invite.  To avoid hurt feelings you have to keep it in circles, if you invite immediate family kids its ok to leave off friends kids and distant family, but you can't pick and choose or you will have mad guests.

DaniBites

scribe95 said:

And I think the rule should be consistent for both sides of the family. Is there a reason you picked 13 as the cutoff? I usually hear 12 as cutoff and teens as being allowed. Oh well. Hope this works out for you. You are well within etiquette but know someone will probably get upset about it.

It's consistent for both sides, I just don't happen to have young relatives...I actually have a 13 and 14 year old niece and nephew who I was uncomfortable attending and spoke to their mom privately so my end is taken care of, I'm just concerned for mt fiance's side since there's a couple of families with small kids.

Thanks for all your input everyone, I thought it sounded way rude to put that on the invite!

southernbelle0915

We had a child free wedding and wouldn't have it any other way. Your FSIL is wrong - you should never write "No Children under X age" or "Adults only" or anything similar.

Just address the invitation to who is invited. So if Mr. and Mrs. Smith and their 17 and 15 year old sons are invited, address it to all 4 of them. If Mr. and Mrs. Jones are invited, but not their 6 and 10 year old daughters, you would just address the invitation to Mr. and Mrs. Jones.

You need to ensure you don't split families. That would mean if a family has a 14 year old kid and an 11 year old, it would be rude to invite one and not the other. This may be tricky for you with such an odd age cut off (13 y/o). It might be easier for you to just have a true "adult" (i.e. 18 y/o) cut off. It's not splitting families if the "child" is an adult.

If you are concerned that people won't "get it", you can word your RSVPs so that you know who doesn't understand and you can follow up with them. For example:

"We look forward to celebrating with you!
____# attending

____ decline with regret"

OR

"Please mark each guests' initials/name by their menu choice:

______ chicken

______ beef

______ veggie"

It'll be clear if people add little Suzie and you can call them and say, "I'm sorry for any misunderstanding but the invitation was for you and your husband only. Hope you can make it!"

Maggie0829

DaniBites said:

scribe95 said:

And I think the rule should be consistent for both sides of the family. Is there a reason you picked 13 as the cutoff? I usually hear 12 as cutoff and teens as being allowed. Oh well. Hope this works out for you. You are well within etiquette but know someone will probably get upset about it.

It's consistent for both sides, I just don't happen to have young relatives...I actually have a 13 and 14 year old niece and nephew who I was uncomfortable attending and spoke to their mom privately so my end is taken care of, I'm just concerned for mt fiance's side since there's a couple of families with small kids.

Thanks for all your input everyone, I thought it sounded way rude to put that on the invite!

I'm sorry, but you spoke to the Mom about her children?  How did that conversation go?  "Oh Susie I just want to make sure that you control your children at our wedding because they can be a bit out of control and I don't want them to ruin our ceremony."  Wow, I am sure that probably went over well.  Talking to a parent about their child's behavior when you are not a child care provider or teacher is rude as hell.  You are basically telling that woman that you know better then she does on how to parent her children.  Not cool.  Please do not do this again.

DaniBites

Yes I was a little worried about that, one of his sisters has three kids, one is 18 and a groomsmen and two to my FI specifically said he would prefer stay home because of their behavior at previous functions.  Do I leave this up to him? 

Maggie0829

DaniBites said:

Yes I was a little worried about that, one of his sisters has three kids, one is 18 and a groomsmen and two to my FI specifically said he would prefer stay home because of their behavior at previous functions.  Do I leave this up to him? 

The 18 year old is an adult and should receive his own invitation.

Your FI should not do anything.  It is up to the parent to decide if they bring their child or not if they are invited.

southernbelle0915

DaniBites said:

Yes I was a little worried about that, one of his sisters has three kids, one is 18 and a groomsmen and two to my FI specifically said he would prefer stay home because of their behavior at previous functions.  Do I leave this up to him? 

I would. 

What's the deal with having so many children with behavior issues in your respective families? Either that or y'all have a low tolerance for children. Personally, DH and I have a low tolerance for ill behaved children, which is why we had a child free wedding.

I would suggest again that you have a truly adult only event (18 and up; clear lines; no exception) to avoid hurting feelings by cherry picking which children can attend and which can't. If you pick and choose, I see a lot of drama in your future.

DaniBites

Maggie0829 said:

DaniBites said:

scribe95 said:

And I think the rule should be consistent for both sides of the family. Is there a reason you picked 13 as the cutoff? I usually hear 12 as cutoff and teens as being allowed. Oh well. Hope this works out for you. You are well within etiquette but know someone will probably get upset about it.

It's consistent for both sides, I just don't happen to have young relatives...I actually have a 13 and 14 year old niece and nephew who I was uncomfortable attending and spoke to their mom privately so my end is taken care of, I'm just concerned for mt fiance's side since there's a couple of families with small kids.

Thanks for all your input everyone, I thought it sounded way rude to put that on the invite!

I'm sorry, but you spoke to the Mom about her children?  How did that conversation go?  "Oh Susie I just want to make sure that you control your children at our wedding because they can be a bit out of control and I don't want them to ruin our ceremony."  Wow, I am sure that probably went over well.  Talking to a parent about their child's behavior when you are not a child care provider or teacher is rude as hell.  You are basically telling that woman that you know better then she does on how to parent her children.  Not cool.  Please do not do this again.

That's not how I approached it.  I asked how she felt about bringing them and she said she wasn't comfortable with it.  Full disclosure, there will probably be a decent amount of drunken antics and we both were not comfortable with them being around that and thinking it's cool.

Maggie0829

DaniBites said:

Maggie0829 said:

DaniBites said:

scribe95 said:

And I think the rule should be consistent for both sides of the family. Is there a reason you picked 13 as the cutoff? I usually hear 12 as cutoff and teens as being allowed. Oh well. Hope this works out for you. You are well within etiquette but know someone will probably get upset about it.

It's consistent for both sides, I just don't happen to have young relatives...I actually have a 13 and 14 year old niece and nephew who I was uncomfortable attending and spoke to their mom privately so my end is taken care of, I'm just concerned for mt fiance's side since there's a couple of families with small kids.

Thanks for all your input everyone, I thought it sounded way rude to put that on the invite!

I'm sorry, but you spoke to the Mom about her children?  How did that conversation go?  "Oh Susie I just want to make sure that you control your children at our wedding because they can be a bit out of control and I don't want them to ruin our ceremony."  Wow, I am sure that probably went over well.  Talking to a parent about their child's behavior when you are not a child care provider or teacher is rude as hell.  You are basically telling that woman that you know better then she does on how to parent her children.  Not cool.  Please do not do this again.

That's not how I approached it.  I asked how she felt about bringing them and she said she wasn't comfortable with it.  Full disclosure, there will probably be a decent amount of drunken antics and we both were not comfortable with them being around that and thinking it's cool.

Then why are you thinking of inviting children at all?

Look if you want to invite children that is fine but you don't discuss it with the parents before hand. You invite them and then leave it up to the parent to decide whether or not they will bring their kids.  In this case the woman would have declined the invite for her kids but accepted it for her and her SO.

But if you don't want kids at your wedding then don't invite them.  I am getting the feeling that you would rather just not have kids there and that is perfectly fine.  So just don't invite them.  Stop discussing their attendance with the parents and just make the decision to invite them or not yourself.

DaniBites

Honestly I really don't but he wants some of them there...I had asked him if we could take all the kids out for laser tag the week of the wedding instead but it didn't go over well.  I don't really think it's a great idea to have teenagers there when the wedding falls on a holiday weekend (Labor Day Sunday) and goes from 7pm to 1am...I know our friends are going to want to let loose and I feel weird about having anyone under 18 there to see it.

Maggie0829

DaniBites said:

Honestly I really don't but he wants some of them there...I had asked him if we could take all the kids out for laser tag the week of the wedding instead but it didn't go over well.  I don't really think it's a great idea to have teenagers there when the wedding falls on a holiday weekend (Labor Day Sunday) and goes from 7pm to 1am...I know our friends are going to want to let loose and I feel weird about having anyone under 18 there to see it.

But this is not your concern.  It is up to the parents of the children to decide what their kid sees and if their child should attend a wedding that goes late in the evening.

DaniBites

That's a good point .  I'm not going to enjoy any of this if I make everyone's problems my own...

Maggie0829

DaniBites said:

That's a good point .  I'm not going to enjoy any of this if I make everyone's problems my own...

Exactly.  

theartistformerlyknownas

Totally agree with Maggie. If you decide to invite teenage children to your wedding, it is up to their parents to decide whether or not to accept the invitation on their behalf - not you or your FI. 

And I definitely echo PPs advice to not split families, inviting the 13-17 yo siblings but not the <12 yo. That will only cause drama and hurt feelings. 18+ don't count - they are adults and will get their own invitation addressed directly to them (and their SO if they have one).

thisismynickname2

We didn't invite children except for one 14 year old, who came and didn't seem to have any problem with the adults drinking and dancing. She danced and appeared to have fun. 

The best advice I got here was the RSVP card wording:

"x seats have been reserved in your honor.

__ accept __ decline

Please initial your menu selection.

_beef

_chicken

_seafood"

We didn't have a single write-in, invite swap, or anything. I really recommend this method if you're concerned about anyone bringing uninvited children, even after you explicitly and properly address your envelopes. 

DaniBites

I was extra concerned about people bringing them anyway and your method sounds GREAT.  Thanks so much I think this is exactly what I'm going to do

jacques27

Exactly what do your friends do when you're drunk?  Hop on tables and strip?  Have sex in front of each other?  Brawl?  Go on murderous rampages?  If the answer is none of the above, I really don't think there is a problem.

You realize that by the time an average child gets out of elementary school, they'll have witnessed 8,000 simulated murders and 100,000 acts of violence on television according to studies, right?  Your friends drinking and dancing and having fun isn't exactly going to be earth shattering or scar them for life.

I've been to many weddings with children in attendance.  While it's not my personal preference (though I have some fondness for my cousin's children), the children are pretty much oblivious to the fact that adults are drinking alcoholic beverages.  They're too busy dancing or playing on their phones or talking with other same age kids at the wedding to notice or care.  And they are usually gone by the time anyone has time to get too drunk.  Most parents are responsible human beings who don't let their children hang out until 1am - the families with children generally leave earlier (or parents who want to hang out at a wedding until 1am generally don't bring their children and hire babysitters). 

So, it's perfectly fine to not want children there, but then don't cherry pick the children and don't make your basis for it "Ohhhh...there can't be children around the drinking adults!" because that's the responsibility of the parent to police, not you.

atlastmrsg

southernbelle0915 said:

DaniBites said:

Yes I was a little worried about that, one of his sisters has three kids, one is 18 and a groomsmen and two to my FI specifically said he would prefer stay home because of their behavior at previous functions.  Do I leave this up to him? 

I would. 

What's the deal with having so many children with behavior issues in your respective families? Either that or y'all have a low tolerance for children. Personally, DH and I have a low tolerance for ill behaved children, which is why we had a child free wedding.

I would suggest again that you have a truly adult only event (18 and up; clear lines; no exception) to avoid hurting feelings by cherry picking which children can attend and which can't. If you pick and choose, I see a lot of drama in your future.

Yes--I, too, had a child-free wedding.  Very happy with the decision.  I had one of FI's family members ask me for an exception since she was breastfeeding.  I had to put on the big girl panties and tell her no since FI wouldn't do it.  I calmly explained to her that if I let her bring the baby, than my out-of-state cousin who wanted to bring hers would get her feelings hurt, so no exceptions.  She was a little cool to me after that, but I was completely okay with that.  No babies cried at my ceremony and I was able to get all the adults we planned to invite into my small venue because I wasn't holding chairs for children.

Be prepared to tell people no who plan to bring children or RSVP for them, and then have a plan for what your DOC/planner does if someone shows up with their kids.  Turn them away?  So have a plan in place.

jynxiie

I have to say there was SO MUCH confusion about our invites in regards too...

_ Accepts
_ Declines

I would say almost 50 percent of people sent it back blank because their names were already on the invite... Very strange, they thought I would automatically know they were a yes.