Inviting Step Grandparents

jlb0711

My fiance and I want a small intimate wedding with just our closest family and friends (about 60 people). To cut costs we are leaving out a lot of people who we love dearly but maybe have just kept out of touch with over the past couple of years. That being said, my parents are divorced and I absolutely cannot stand my father's wife. I'm pretty sure the term 'evil stepmother' was created after her. She is less than pleasant to be around. Anyway, said stepmother has made it a point to tell my father that her parents need to be invited. I have zero relationship with these people and the last time I saw them her mother tried to get in to an altercation with me. How to I gently tell my father that there is no chance I will include them on our special day? What is the etiquette with that?

sarawifenow

Who is paying for the wedding?

jlb0711

Me, my mom, and my father. But I am willing to tell my father that I will pay all of it just to keep her family away from my day. She is a major alcoholic that causes a dramatic scene everywhere she goes. I want my day to be stress and drama free.

holyguacamole79

jlb0711 said:

My fiance and I want a small intimate wedding with just our closest family and friends (about 60 people). To cut costs we are leaving out a lot of people who we love dearly but maybe have just kept out of touch with over the past couple of years. That being said, my parents are divorced and I absolutely cannot stand my father's wife. I'm pretty sure the term 'evil stepmother' was created after her. She is less than pleasant to be around. Anyway, said stepmother has made it a point to tell my father that her parents need to be invited. I have zero relationship with these people and the last time I saw them her mother tried to get in to an altercation with me. How to I gently tell my father that there is no chance I will include them on our special day? What is the etiquette with that?

jlb0711 said:

Me, my mom, and my father. But I am willing to tell my father that I will pay all of it just to keep her family away from my day. She is a major alcoholic that causes a dramatic scene everywhere she goes. I want my day to be stress and drama free.

If your dad is paying, then he has a say in the guest list.  If this upsets you so much, I suggest declining your dad's money and hosting the wedding yourself.

jlb0711

JCbride2015

jlb0711 said:

Thanks for the responses. My stepmother passed out with a cigarette in her mouth and burned down our house and killed our dogs. Her mother is just as bad. If that makes me a bridezilla, so be it. But thanks for the input!

Sarah's bridezilla image is her signature, not directed at you.  It shows up after every post.

holyguacamole79

Yep.  Everyone gets it.  Go look at my other posts. 

jlb0711

Oh, weird. Well, sorry for the knee jerk reaction! I didn't think that my comment warranted being a bridezilla...I didn't realize TheKnot got so fancy with it's profiles.

jlb0711

Hahaha aw, my bad Sarahbear31. I guess I'm on edge because everyone else is trying to plan this wedding for me and it's giving me hives.

holyguacamole79

jlb0711 said:

Hahaha aw, my bad Sarahbear31. I guess I'm on edge because everyone else is trying to plan this wedding for me and it's giving me hives.

It's all good, yo. 

MairePoppy

I'm sorry about your dogs, jib0711. I wouldn't want anything to do with anyone that harmed my family members and I count my dogs as family members.

You should tell your dad that you will not be inviting his ILs. Don't sugarcoat it. He knows why. He may decide not to contribute in order to placate his wife (notice I didn't call her your SM). Be prepared to cover the difference and you're good to go.

holyguacamole79

scribe95 said:

Having a say in the wedding doesn't mean ultimate final decision maker. Why would you invite people you never see and have no real relationship to? Makes no sense.

One would think.  But I thought the "rule" around here is "he/she who pays has a say"?  I lost this battle with my mom when planning our wedding (my parents paid for the majority of ours) and had to invite some cousins she grew up with, but I had only met once or twice. 

[Deleted User]

sarahbear31 said:

scribe95 said:

Having a say in the wedding doesn't mean ultimate final decision maker. Why would you invite people you never see and have no real relationship to? Makes no sense.

One would think.  But I thought the "rule" around here is "he/she who pays has a say"?  I lost this battle with my mom when planning our wedding (my parents paid for the majority of ours) and had to invite some cousins she grew up with, but I had only met once or twice. 

Yes, but you didn't really care if your cousins came or not.  It was a "whatever" kind of thing, right?  The OP does NOT want her dad's in-laws there, like, to the point that if he insists, she just won't take his money so he won't pay and therefore won't have a say.  I don't think they should get an invite.  

Bride: Nope, dad.  Not happening.

Dad: Well then, nevermind about my helping you pay for your wedding.  If they don't come, you don't get my money.

Bride: Okay then.  I'll pay for my wedding myself.  We're done talking about the wedding now.  You'll get your invitation in the mail.

holyguacamole79

martha1818 said:

sarahbear31 said:

scribe95 said:

Having a say in the wedding doesn't mean ultimate final decision maker. Why would you invite people you never see and have no real relationship to? Makes no sense.

One would think.  But I thought the "rule" around here is "he/she who pays has a say"?  I lost this battle with my mom when planning our wedding (my parents paid for the majority of ours) and had to invite some cousins she grew up with, but I had only met once or twice. 

I think if the person paying is married to someone who killed her dogs, she can throw that rule out the window.

Oh I would absolutely fight that one, too!  I'm just saying that Dad has a say in the guest list.  I hope OP can reason with him!  Honestly, if my dad married that kind of woman, I would decline any money he contributes to the wedding and not invite the parents.  I don't know if I would be gracious enough to invite his wife.  

holyguacamole79

adk19 said:

sarahbear31 said:

scribe95 said:

Having a say in the wedding doesn't mean ultimate final decision maker. Why would you invite people you never see and have no real relationship to? Makes no sense.

One would think.  But I thought the "rule" around here is "he/she who pays has a say"?  I lost this battle with my mom when planning our wedding (my parents paid for the majority of ours) and had to invite some cousins she grew up with, but I had only met once or twice. 

Yes, but you didn't really care if your cousins came or not.  It was a "whatever" kind of thing, right?  The OP does NOT want her dad's in-laws there, like, to the point that if he insists, she just won't take his money so he won't pay and therefore won't have a say.  I don't think they should get an invite.  

Bride: Nope, dad.  Not happening.

Dad: Well then, nevermind about my helping you pay for your wedding.  If they don't come, you don't get my money.

Bride: Okay then.  I'll pay for my wedding myself.  We're done talking about the wedding now.  You'll get your invitation in the mail.

Right, but I was replying directly to scribe's comment.  I really didn't want those cousins there because I would have preferred to invite more of our friends.  But, the cousins were not a hill I was willing to die on.  If I was OP, I would absolutely die on this hill. 

JCbride2015

Yes OP, I'm so sorry to hear about your dogs.  I probably wouldn't be able to have a relationship with my dad or SM after that at all.

Jen4948

I'm sorry to hear about what happened to your dogs.  Under those circumstances, I'd tell your father that no, his wife's parents are not invited, and your wedding is not a family reunion for his wife.

I think you'll still probably have to pay for the whole thing though.

BrandNewJ

Woooowwwww..... Her actions are repulsive. How careless! My dog is my family, she wouldn't be allowed in the same room with me ever again, and my dad sure as hell would know it. You're a good person for even inviting her. I would completely decline his money and let him know that I really want him present at my wedding, but is understand if he can't come because I will NOT invite his wife.

edit: punctuation and auto-correct

lc07

Look, I've done a bunch of stupid shit in my life. Maybe you guys haven't. But I have. And I'm lucky I didn't kill myself or someone else because of a single incident. I think I'm a great person, still. I don't judge OPs step mom for this horrible mistake. Without more info, like no remorse, I can't condemn her Step Mom.

jlb0711

Thanks everyone! Your kind words are helpful. As it turns out, I did have a talk with my father last night and it did not go over so well. He now refuses to attend my wedding and I will be paying for the whole thing, which is actually A-OK with me. I need to keep reminding myself that this is a happy time in my life and I should only be surrounded by people who love and care for me and my future husband. I hope everyone has a wonderful rest of the week!!! In other news, congratulations to everyone on here who are getting married! I hope you have a lifetime of happiness!

BrandNewJ

jlb0711 said:

Thanks everyone! Your kind words are helpful. As it turns out, I did have a talk with my father last night and it did not go over so well. He now refuses to attend my wedding and I will be paying for the whole thing, which is actually A-OK with me. I need to keep reminding myself that this is a happy time in my life and I should only be surrounded by people who love and care for me and my future husband. I hope everyone has a wonderful rest of the week!!! In other news, congratulations to everyone on here who are getting married! I hope you have a lifetime of happiness!

I want to say that I'm sorry things didn't work out, I feel like this will make things a lot less stressful for you in the future. Happy planning!

bethsmiles

lc07 said:

Look, I've done a bunch of stupid shit in my life. Maybe you guys haven't. But I have. And I'm lucky I didn't kill myself or someone else because of a single incident. I think I'm a great person, still. I don't judge OPs step mom for this horrible mistake. Without more info, like no remorse, I can't condemn her Step Mom.

You've done something equivalent to burning down someone's home and killing innocent animals? Even if she is remorseful sometimes being sorry isn't enough.

lc07

bethsmiles said:

lc07 said:

Look, I've done a bunch of stupid shit in my life. Maybe you guys haven't. But I have. And I'm lucky I didn't kill myself or someone else because of a single incident. I think I'm a great person, still. I don't judge OPs step mom for this horrible mistake. Without more info, like no remorse, I can't condemn her Step Mom.

You've done something equivalent to burning down someone's home and killing innocent animals? Even if she is remorseful sometimes being sorry isn't enough.

No, but I've fallen asleep with a candle still lit by accident before. Luckily nothing bad happened.