Mil illness

phat49firstime

My mil had a massive stroke shortly shortly after our engagement and is now is admitted to a facility that will care for her. She has dementia and I know it breaks my fiance's heart knowing she may not even know who or what is happening if she comes to the wedding. His sister has suggested she will bring her but I am hesitant because her behaviour is unpredictable and sometimes aggressive due to dementia. His father is no longer living and both of my parents are attending our wedding. My family has been very welcoming to my fiancé and I tell him he has a new extended family. Has anyone had experience with this?

lurkergirl

phat49firstime said:

My mil had a massive stroke shortly shortly after our engagement and is now is admitted to a facility that will care for her. She has dementia and I know it breaks my fiance's heart knowing she may not even know who or what is happening if she comes to the wedding. His sister has suggested she will bring her but I am hesitant because her behaviour is unpredictable and sometimes aggressive due to dementia. His father is no longer living and both of my parents are attending our wedding. My family has been very welcoming to my fiancé and I tell him he has a new extended family. Has anyone had experience with this?

If she is living in a facility, I would discuss it with her doctors.  They may suggest that this could be too stressful.

My mother says the secret to superhuman strength is to be elderly and suffering from dementia.  It would be so traumatic for her if she had any kind of episode where she needed to be restrained.

Would it be possible for someone from the facility to accompany her? 

southernbelle0915

I agree with @lurkergirl. Talk to her doctors and get a professional opinion on whether can handle it. If they think she can, ask if a clinician should accompany her. 

I didn't deal with this, so I can't relate, but I'm so sorry for your FI. How heartbreaking for him (and for you too). I would consider that it may be even more heartbreaking and upsetting for him if she has an episode during the wedding.

[Deleted User]

My goodness, I'm sorry you have to go through this.

Do you think the doctors would allow you to have a small ceremony in her room or outside at the facility? Maybe just a private thing with just the wedding party & family? No reception really needed. Maybe even wear a different wedding dress. Or just a regular white dress.
For her to be a part of your fiance's big life change, I'm sure it would be appreciated by her and him.
I couldn't imagine being him in this situation. If you can have a small processional like that, make it as soon as possible. No one at the wedding event later on has to know there isn't a license being signed. The guests aren't a part of that task anyway. Or keep the license a part of the planned event & just have a ceremony without it at that time.

Just an idea.

Maggie0829

kgowett said:

My goodness, I'm sorry you have to go through this.

Do you think the doctors would allow you to have a small ceremony in her room or outside at the facility? Maybe just a private thing with just the wedding party & family? No reception really needed. Maybe even wear a different wedding dress. Or just a regular white dress.
For her to be a part of your fiance's big life change, I'm sure it would be appreciated by her and him.
I couldn't imagine being him in this situation. If you can have a small processional like that, make it as soon as possible. No one at the wedding event later on has to know there isn't a license being signed. The guests aren't a part of that task anyway. Or keep the license a part of the planned event & just have a ceremony without it at that time.

Just an idea.

This is such bad advice. Especially the part about lying to the rest of your guests and having them sit through a fake ceremony. No, just no.

OP, this is a super sucky situation and I am so sorry for you and your FI.  But nothing needs to be decided right this second.  As the wedding comes nearer have your FI talk to his Mom's doctors and care givers and see what they have to say about her attending.  Also, your FI may feel differently about putting his Mom through something where she may not even know who you two are or anyone else in the room.  Like southernbelle said, his Mom having an outburst at the ceremony may be even worse for your FI if she did not attend at all.  Also, with skype and face time you could possibly set something up where is she was not in a state to attend in person you could still broadcast the ceremony to her live.

[Deleted User]

Maybe head to her facility sometime during the wedding day so you can get some pictures together.  If she's having a good day, maybe she'll be out and about in a lovely outfit and you guys can have great pictures.  If she's having a bad day, you and your FI can still give her a hug and hold her hand for a minute.

bumbletiger88

I am so sorry for your fiance, I'm sure that must be very difficult. 

If it isn't an option for her to attend the wedding, perhaps after the wedding the two of you could make a special trip to the home and show her the wedding video and/or pictures?

[Deleted User]

I remember reading in another thread about a bride whose MOH (I think?) was on bed rest for a pregnancy and would not be able to attend the wedding.  The bride was going to ship her a care package to arrive the morning of the wedding.  It would contain the MOH's bouquet, a CD of songs that would be played at the ceremony (maybe some special songs from the reception too?), a cupcake of the same flavor of the wedding cake, and maybe a few other things.  I thought that was such a wonderful idea!  A wonderful way to make someone feel involved even though they can't be there.

Jen4948

Can you live-stream the event for your FMIL so she can observe, and if possible, participate by interactive video if it's not actually possible for her to attend?

pegasuskat

I would discuss the options with FI, but then back off and leave the ultimate decision to him.  I had the blessing of taking care of my GM the last 2 years of her life.  She had Alzheimer's, it was tough to live with it on a daily basis, but she literally was different every single day.  MIL may have a good day and be able to come, just help DH and be there for him whatever he decides.  If you were to push him either way he could regret it later.  I hope she can be there for him, its such a sad way to live.

phat49firstime

Thank you everyone. It's in May and things change from day to day...as they have been with her health.

lurkergirl

phat49firstime said:

Thank you everyone. It's in May and things change from day to day...as they have been with her health.

Yeah, you have some time to figure this out.  It's hard to say without knowing her condition, but if it were me, I would budget for her to attend with an attendant, but emotionally prepare for the reality that she may not be able to make it.  I hope it all works out for you and for her.  I know it's a tough thing to deal with.

abbyj700

phat49firstime said:

My mil had a massive stroke shortly shortly after our engagement and is now is admitted to a facility that will care for her. She has dementia and I know it breaks my fiance's heart knowing she may not even know who or what is happening if she comes to the wedding. His sister has suggested she will bring her but I am hesitant because her behaviour is unpredictable and sometimes aggressive due to dementia. His father is no longer living and both of my parents are attending our wedding. My family has been very welcoming to my fiancé and I tell him he has a new extended family. Has anyone had experience with this?

I agree with some PP's - there's time, it's his mom, he should talk to her doctors, and see how it is going day to day.

To the bolded - it's really nice that your family is accepting and loving to your fiance. But this is his mom. He lost his dad. Be careful on your wording - no one can replace his parents.